serialgf Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 hi all, so i haven't posted in a dog's age. as my handle suggests, i am one of those peeps who always has a boyfriend, i've never been into the random hookup scene. but alas, i guess there is a first for everything, right? i am currently 30 years old, and after having my 5th atrocious breakup (well, some were more atrocious than others - my most recent which finally ended about a month ago being amongst the most atrocious), i am loving the singles scene! the situation i need advice on is this: last week, i met a guy (26) at a bar and went home with him. i did something i've never done before and did the deed with him after having just met him! it was awesome though, and i played it super cool the next morning (i slept at his house) - i got up, got dressed, and got out without giving him my number or engaging him in any convo about what "happened", he was really nice though and super cool himself and we were both very friendly and he gave me a nice hug goodbye. he had offered me a ride home but i walked because it was early and he was super tired (as was i) fast forward to this past weekend, i saw him again at the same bar. he was super friendly, we were both pretty drunk (as we were the first time) and again i went home with him, did the deed, slept in his bed. in the morning we did some cuddling but i asked for a ride home b/c i had to walk my dog. he was really nice again super friendly and gave me a ride home. when we got to my place, i asked him if he wanted to meet my dog, he said yes and came in, and we ended up going on a nice long walk with my dog, talking, laughing etc. when we got back he was about to get in his car and we were sort of awkwardly smiling and looking at each other and he jokingly said, "well, i'm glad we had this talk". i went to give him another friendly hug like last time, but he kissed me on the lips. i asked him if i could see him again and he said, "i don't know. i have to think about it", still smiling. he insinuated that he would take my number but he didn't have his phone with him. i said, "well i'd really like that" he got in his car and drove away so, since i'm super new at this hookup situation, what do i do now? do i wait til i see him at the bar again for round 3? do i send him my number via facebook as we've had some fb interaction? he insinuated that i could reach him via fb and i jokingly said, "yeah or i'll show up at your house and make you dinner" to which he responded, "yeah, something like that" and smiled before he drove away. i feel like the best thing to do is just play it cool and wait to see if we run into each other again. what is the hookup protocol? i am not looking for a relationship and am afraid to get attached to someone again so quickly, as i am prone to doing. i think he is also afraid of the same thing as he has mentioned several times that he "doesn't want a relationship". i guess what i would ideally like out of this is a regular booty call. is that okay? HELP! i'm such an amateur! your advice is welcome!
utterer of lies Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 He's not interested in more that just NSA sex. You seem to want more. That's likely going to end in you hurting.
Nukulus Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Well, to not scare him into thinking that you want to be more than **** buddies I would would only contact him once a week or so, and then make it obvious why you are contacting him. Don't beat around the bush, don't try to be overly friendly or interested in his life. Be courteous and clear. Obviously I don't know the guy, but as a guy around that age (24) myself I wouldn't be opposed to hearing/reading a message saying something along the lines of "Wanna grab a drink and hang out later?" With hanging out obviously a nicer way of saying hooking up. And anyway, you shouldn't put too much thought into this. If it's true that you aren't looking for anything but sex, you don't want to get attached then don't worry about what his reaction will be. Either he's cool and you hook up again/regularly or he's not and you find a new **** buddy. Shouldn't be a big deal either way. Don't worry about etiquette, just respect the boundaries and don't get attached.
Author serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Utterer of lies - what about my post makes you think I am interested in more? Im curious to know because I feel I give off this vibe when its not my intent at this point. I've decided to do nothing but if I see him again to just go with the flow and then maybe give him my number? I really want to have sex and its fun with him but I don't like the idea of sleeping with random guys. I appreciate the advice. How do I give off more of an NSA vibe???
Lil1 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Serialgf, the truth of the matter is that having a f**k buddy IS like sleeping with random guys... you don't know how many women he is sleeping with besides you, and to have any discussions about setting 'rules' or 'boundaries' with a f**k buddy automatically changes the dynamic of the f**k buddy relationship (i.e. asking to be an 'exclusive buddy'). It just doesn't work that way. I think the best thing for you to do is like you said, just go with the flow. Let him make the first move towards becoming something more steady if that is what he wants (not necessarily a relationship since you have both already stated that is not what you are looking for), but something a little more of a guarantee (a steady and exclusive f**k buddy!). Good luck and be safe !
Author serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Nukulus I appreciate your advice and I like your point that I should care if I offend him. If I do I do if I don't I don't. It is what it is, right? I guess, due to my inexperience with nsa hookups, im having a hard time communicating "I want to hook up with you" without communicating "I want to date you". To me, they are indiscernable. How do I communicate this??
Author serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Lil I hear ya in that, and I am being safe. For, me, I guess im seeing this as my one shot for a random hookup. I realize that he is most likely sleeping with other peeps, and using condoms is a given and I will get tested in a few weeks, but I've spent my whole adult life being monogamous and it just hasn't worked out for me. And though its pretty much the same thing as sleeping with the peeps he is sleeping with, to me it just doent feel as bad. I appreciate everyones advice as obviously im not expressing any of these feelings to him so I appreciate having a forum to get it all out. Thanks for helping out an amateur!
BobSacamento Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 This is turning into agonizing After School Special. Brutal. If you want to hook up with him again, get him your number (Through FB). If he wants to hook up with you again he'll find you at that bar. Seems to be his MO. BTW who doesn't carry their phone everywhere these days? And who doesn't ask for a pen and paper?
Eddie Edirol Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Nukulus I appreciate your advice and I like your point that I should care if I offend him. If I do I do if I don't I don't. It is what it is, right? I guess, due to my inexperience with nsa hookups, im having a hard time communicating "I want to hook up with you" without communicating "I want to date you". To me, they are indiscernable. How do I communicate this?? You communicate it by not communicating it. Dont bother asking for his number. Keep it as meeting him at the bar, or emailing him on facebook. if he wanted your number, he would have asked for it.
Author serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Bob. Geez after school special seems a lil harsh. He left his phone@ home when he was giving me a ride home. We've both been playing it really cool so I wasnt about to offer him a pen and paper (would have required me going back inside) and he want about to ask for one. From what he said I got the impression that he was hinting that I could fb him my digits, and that's kind of what my original question was: should I just send him my digits and see what happens? Or should I not and just wait til I run into him again? Im sorry if you think this quation is petty but like I said im an amateur... I appreciate any advice!
BobSacamento Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Bob. Geez after school special seems a lil harsh. He left his phone@ home when he was giving me a ride home. We've both been playing it really cool so I wasnt about to offer him a pen and paper (would have required me going back inside) and he want about to ask for one. From what he said I got the impression that he was hinting that I could fb him my digits, and that's kind of what my original question was: should I just send him my digits and see what happens? Or should I not and just wait til I run into him again? Im sorry if you think this quation is petty but like I said im an amateur... I appreciate any advice! I was merely commenting on people treating you like you were 13. I do not see any harm in sending him your number. Next time just go inside and write your number down instead of playing it "cool". If you want him to call you he needs your number. If I want to call a woman I ask for her number. It's that simple.
Author serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I agree with you, Bob! I'm going to FB him my digits, make it clear i just want NSA fun, and leave it at that. No harm, no foul.
SmileFace Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Why do you need to give him your number.Get his! If you are going to do this - why not keep some kind of control? Get his number. Let him know what you want - I am hoping it is only NSA sex for your sanity. I am pretty sure the dog walk so early isn't a good thing. Forget cooking dinner and all this. If you are looking to **** ... do just that. All these games are not cool. Sending him your number via facebook, leaving it on a note... WTF? What exactly are you looking for? If he was looking for a relationship - you would have already known.
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Utterer of lies - what about my post makes you think I am interested in more? Im curious to know because I feel I give off this vibe when its not my intent at this point. I think you're lying to yourself. If you didn't care for anything more than NSA, you wouldn't have gone into such detail about the cuddling, him being cute, etc., but the biggest giveaway is your admission that you're prone to attachment. MOST women get attached through sex.
Author serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I'm just looking for fun. I said the dinner thing as a joke, just being cute. I gave details about the cuddling because it was cute and fun. Isn't it okay to be cute and fun, but also casual? That's the vibe he gives me... Why do you need to give him your number.Get his! If you are going to do this - why not keep some kind of control? Get his number. Let him know what you want - I am hoping it is only NSA sex for your sanity. I am pretty sure the dog walk so early isn't a good thing. Forget cooking dinner and all this. If you are looking to **** ... do just that. All these games are not cool. Sending him your number via facebook, leaving it on a note... WTF? What exactly are you looking for? If he was looking for a relationship - you would have already known.
Author serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I think you're lying to yourself. If you didn't care for anything more than NSA, you wouldn't have gone into such detail about the cuddling, him being cute, etc., but the biggest giveaway is your admission that you're prone to attachment. MOST women get attached through sex. i am attached, but to the sex.... isn't this possible/ok? i don't want a relationship with him, and i know that's what he's scared of. i just got out of a relationship and getting into another one is the last thing i want. i would like some regular sex, i don't want monogamy, just fun.
SmileFace Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 . Isn't it okay to be cute and fun, but also casual? no..................!!
Author serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 oh well, it's done. i sent him my number and stated i am looking for nsa fun. we'll see what happens... thanks all for your advice, i appreciate the different viewpoints... gotta love LS!
SmileFace Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 oh well, it's done. i sent him my number and stated i am looking for nsa fun. we'll see what happens... thanks all for your advice, i appreciate the different viewpoints... gotta love LS! Good luck with that.
Author serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 no..................!! why not............??????
Author serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Good luck with that. Thanks, SmileFace!
SmileFace Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 why not............?????? You say you are attached to the sex only,right? Why are you guys even friends on facebook - what exactly do you guys talk about? You say all you want is sex -however you are treating this like a regular old relationship. Why are you waiting for him to contact you? Why are you cuddling? Is this man you friend - why are you friends with him on facebook? Why are sleeping over at his house? This may sound very cold but stop thinking with your head and try thinking with your vagina. Please remember this is your emotions you are dealing with. If you allow yourself to get into situations where you are going to be hurt , that is what is going to happen. If you can't separate the two you are only going to end up ****ing yourself over. I have been in a FB situation and let me tell you , it was only sex. Sometimes I wanted the cuddling and pillow talk but that isn't possible without getting my emotions involved. If you can't learn to only **** ,you are going to end falling for this guy in some kind of way. I wish you luck - truthfully. Nothing is cute and fun about this besides the sex. I won't comment on the fact that you are having sex with someone with out even knowing their number ,let alone other information.
O'Malley Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Why are you guys even friends on facebook - what exactly do you guys talk about? You say all you want is sex -however you are treating this like a regular old relationship. Why are you waiting for him to contact you? Why are you cuddling? Is this man you friend - why are you friends with him on facebook? Why are sleeping over at his house? It seems like the strings are already in place... Are you fine with never interacting with this guy again from this moment on? No sex with him, no running into him at the bar, no facebook or phone chats? If you're not content with that, your feelings are far less casual and uninvolved than you're leading yourself to believe.
Author serialgf Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 You say you are attached to the sex only,right? Why are you guys even friends on facebook - what exactly do you guys talk about? You say all you want is sex -however you are treating this like a regular old relationship. Why are you waiting for him to contact you? Why are you cuddling? Is this man you friend - why are you friends with him on facebook? Why are sleeping over at his house? This may sound very cold but stop thinking with your head and try thinking with your vagina. Please remember this is your emotions you are dealing with. If you allow yourself to get into situations where you are going to be hurt , that is what is going to happen. If you can't separate the two you are only going to end up ****ing yourself over. I have been in a FB situation and let me tell you , it was only sex. Sometimes I wanted the cuddling and pillow talk but that isn't possible without getting my emotions involved. If you can't learn to only **** ,you are going to end falling for this guy in some kind of way. I wish you luck - truthfully. Nothing is cute and fun about this besides the sex. I won't comment on the fact that you are having sex with someone with out even knowing their number ,let alone other information. Smile, We are not Facebook friends, i just sent him a message via FB because i left my scarf at his place the first time i slept there (i know, lame, in fact double checked not to leave anything there and we both laughed about how "lame" it is to leave something behind), but i'm notorious for leaving my stuff everywhere so i did. oh well. and i messaged him via FB - i found him because he has a very unusual first name and we have a mutual friend. so, no i don't think we are friends. we are not FB friends in any case. i cuddled with him because it felt nice. i don't see the big deal about it. i am not emotionally attached more than having that bit of pride that'll be hurt if he doesn't want to sleep with me again. i appreciate your advice though and i will try to think more with my vagina also there was no pillow talk, just some spooning, nuzzling in the AM... no biggie! we're both cuddly people i am not reading too much into it... i hope!
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