whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 You are right. It probably is best. Hard to let go of a 12 year friendship and not care about what happens to him though. I do not in any way mean to come off sounding defensive. I was just asking something simple, and it turned into something I didn't mean for it to that's all. I am moving on with my life. But doesn't mean I'm not going to be concerned for him. Just hard to let go sometimes I guess. It is, but if he's not returning calls and is distant, he needs to deal with this his way and be alone.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I didn't mean to imply you thought that. I just thought I'd add it in there that this hasn't been an ongoing 12 year relationship that's all. Sorry about that. So are your friends, or were you lovers etc while he has been married?
Author notsurewhattodo34 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 then why is your post called being the OW of an emotionally abused man. Did you mean you used to have a relationship, it ended 11 years ago, I assume, once he got married and now you two have been friends (sound more like an emotional affair).. if you are not an OW at all, then you have nothing to worry about in a sense of getting over him. Sorry I am confused as your info that you've given so far is changing abit. Noone is attacking you, noone has named called or been rude. You're defensive because you see things one way and anybody who's given their different opinion, you are taking out of context and personally. Everyone is trying to help, with respect. And noone has judged you here. No it's just going in a totally different direction than I was meaning for it to. My question was how hard is it for an abused person, to move on from a relationship. We had a relationship 12 years ago, ended it on good terms for personal reasons, but have remained friends for 11 years yes. Not really an emotional affair, we weren't texting or calling each other every day or anything. We did keep contact from time to time just to see how we were. I just happened to know his whole family, so I've been able to stay in touch that way over the years. Did we have an affair while he was in town, yes I fully admit that. I didn't know any other way to word it other than being the OW since that happened while he was here. And continued until that night 3 weeks ago.
Author notsurewhattodo34 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 It is, but if he's not returning calls and is distant, he needs to deal with this his way and be alone. Yeah, I do understand that. Just worries his family, and I understand that. That's why I was asking the question I was in the beginning.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 OKay, Well that may have been an attempted 'exit affair' on his behalf. The whole thing just seems really messy. Sorry you may have lost your friend in all of this.
Author notsurewhattodo34 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 OKay, Well that may have been an attempted 'exit affair' on his behalf. The whole thing just seems really messy. Sorry you may have lost your friend in all of this. Thank you I appreciate that. That's the part that hurts the most I guess. And I agree, it probably was an attempted exit affair. I'm sorry if I came off rude or defensive to anyone, I wasn't trying to be. Just frustrated cause I felt like my original question was getting passed over. My apologizes to everyone.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 We did keep contact from time to time just to see how we were. I just happened to know his whole family, so I've been able to stay in touch that way over the years. Did we have an affair while he was in town, yes I fully admit that. I didn't know any other way to word it other than being the OW since that happened while he was here. And continued until that night 3 weeks ago. So how long was the A? from the time you two started when he would come to your town? Up until it ended recently, are we talking weeks, months or on and off for a long time? Just curious. Also, when you were intouch with his family, were they telling you all this stuff over the years, or is this recent? About his abuse..? Meaning did you contact them and ask or did they freely give info about his crazy wife and all details? or did you just hear it from him? Just trying to figure out timelines here and if it is possible that it got worse since your A with him started.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Thank you I appreciate that. That's the part that hurts the most I guess. And I agree, it probably was an attempted exit affair. I'm sorry if I came off rude or defensive to anyone, I wasn't trying to be. Just frustrated cause I felt like my original question was getting passed over. My apologizes to everyone. Sometimes it is easier to start with the generic question as opposed to the background. I know for me my brain sets the tone in the first few sentences. I have to phrase my sentences opposite for my husband. I tell him <<action>> and then <<feeling>> instead of the other way around. Just a little thing, it may be just me.
Author notsurewhattodo34 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 So how long was the A? from the time you two started when he would come to your town? Up until it ended recently, are we talking weeks, months or on and off for a long time? Just curious. Also, when you were intouch with his family, were they telling you all this stuff over the years, or is this recent? About his abuse..? Meaning did you contact them and ask or did they freely give info about his crazy wife and all details? or did you just hear it from him? Just trying to figure out timelines here and if it is possible that it got worse since your A with him started. I'm going to say roughly a month or so before he came up here he emailed me to see how things were, I didn't hear a thing from him again until he showed up in town roughly the next month. And then it lasted a few weeks while he was here. And it ended 3 weeks ago since that's the last contact he's had with me. As I've said though, we didn't keep in contact every day. We would occasionally email back and forth to see how I was, or vice verse. I've been hearing this stuff from his family and him for roughly 5 or 6 years now, so very long time. It hasn't been just recently. And they freely gave me the info, when I would ask how he was doing. I wouldn't ask about it at all.
Author notsurewhattodo34 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Sometimes it is easier to start with the generic question as opposed to the background. I know for me my brain sets the tone in the first few sentences. I have to phrase my sentences opposite for my husband. I tell him <<action>> and then <<feeling>> instead of the other way around. Just a little thing, it may be just me. Good idea, will keep that in mind next time. Maybe that will help. Thanks.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Well, I do have to wonder if he's had other affairs.. and she's realized this. How did your affair with him all of a sudden start? After so many years of casual friendship, why start an A? Either way, his life is dramatic and sad. I do hope he gets help when he's ready to.
Author notsurewhattodo34 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Well, I do have to wonder if he's had other affairs.. and she's realized this. How did your affair with him all of a sudden start? After so many years of casual friendship, why start an A? Either way, his life is dramatic and sad. I do hope he gets help when he's ready to. He very well may have. I'm honestly not sure. From what I get from his family over the years and all, I don't think so. I however could be wrong. I guess it started like some others do, we had feelings back then, we couldn't be together 12 years ago. After he came up and we got together, those feelings came back up. I'm not dumb, I realize it was stupid. But I did generally have very deep feelings for him that never really went away and vice verse. I'm not saying I did a stupid thing, yes I did very much so. I accept responsibility for that. But I have to agree with you, I hope he gets help as well. Next time I'll leave out the background and just ask my question ha
BB07 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 No it's just going in a totally different direction than I was meaning for it to. My question was how hard is it for an abused person, to move on from a relationship. We had a relationship 12 years ago, ended it on good terms for personal reasons, but have remained friends for 11 years yes. Not really an emotional affair, we weren't texting or calling each other every day or anything. We did keep contact from time to time just to see how we were. I just happened to know his whole family, so I've been able to stay in touch that way over the years. Did we have an affair while he was in town, yes I fully admit that. I didn't know any other way to word it other than being the OW since that happened while he was here. And continued until that night 3 weeks ago. In answer to your questions......Yes it's difficult to leave an abusive relationship because self esteem takes a beating. The 1st abusive relationship I was in, I was very young and I come from a abusive background so I did not have clear ideas about what was good vs bad in a relationship. I ended up marrying the asshat but finally got some sense about me and left after 1 yr 5 months but this was after wasting total about 7 years on him. At least I had enough sense to not have any children with him so yay for me on one count. The 2nd relationship was a few years ago, in between xmm 1st and 2nd go round. I was vulnerable and never ever thought I would again get myself into an abusive relationship again as I clearly remembered the 1st time but...........he was charming, fun and seemed to have it together. In hindsight I ignored a couple of warning signs, unprovoked jealousy and he was prone to drink too much. Owl pointed out something that is common to these relationships......there is love mixed in there and there are some good times and it's not all a hellish existence. As crazy......as it sounds that man when he was good to me...was the best to me that anyone has ever been and in his crazy screwed up way he loved me more than any other man ever has. But............there was the bad, when he would drink too much, call me terrible disgusting names, accusing me of things I didn't do, the jealousy, the possessiveness sometimes made going to work hell. After I left, he made my life hell, he wouldn't let go. I thought I was going to have to get a RO against him. The bad quickly came to outweigh any good. It took me a little over a year to finally leave after I knew I had to. It's been over 3 years now and he still calls me and leaves messages that he still loves me. This is a picture of abuse. Not pretty is it?
Author notsurewhattodo34 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 In answer to your questions......Yes it's difficult to leave an abusive relationship because self esteem takes a beating. The 1st abusive relationship I was in, I was very young and I come from a abusive background so I did not have clear ideas about what was good vs bad in a relationship. I ended up marrying the asshat but finally got some sense about me and left after 1 yr 5 months but this was after wasting total about 7 years on him. At least I had enough sense to not have any children with him so yay for me on one count. The 2nd relationship was a few years ago, in between xmm 1st and 2nd go round. I was vulnerable and never ever thought I would again get myself into an abusive relationship again as I clearly remembered the 1st time but...........he was charming, fun and seemed to have it together. In hindsight I ignored a couple of warning signs, unprovoked jealousy and he was prone to drink too much. Owl pointed out something that is common to these relationships......there is love mixed in there and there are some good times and it's not all a hellish existence. As crazy......as it sounds that man when he was good to me...was the best to me that anyone has ever been and in his crazy screwed up way he loved me more than any other man ever has. But............there was the bad, when he would drink too much, call me terrible disgusting names, accusing me of things I didn't do, the jealousy, the possessiveness sometimes made going to work hell. After I left, he made my life hell, he wouldn't let go. I thought I was going to have to get a RO against him. The bad quickly came to outweigh any good. It took me a little over a year to finally leave after I knew I had to. It's been over 3 years now and he still calls me and leaves messages that he still loves me. This is a picture of abuse. Not pretty is it? Ouch. No it's not pretty by any means. I guess that's why I was asking what I was. I know it's emotional hell for the person being abused. I couldn't imagine going through that. I'm sorry you had to. Very glad for you that you didn't have children with the first guy though
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 He very well may have. I'm honestly not sure. From what I get from his family over the years and all, I don't think so. I however could be wrong. they wouldn't know! Just like they don't know that you two have had an affair. Right? Next time I'll leave out the background and just ask my question ha No don't. Because then you're leaving out important parts. If anything, one should be able to be completey honest to strangers on the internet. It is a factor that you were the OW for a little while and you did have an affair. It's like an OW posting about her MM yet she excludes the fact she is married also! You'd be surprised how many people tell half truths to get the answers they are looking for.
Author notsurewhattodo34 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 they wouldn't know! Just like they don't know that you two have had an affair. Right? No don't. Because then you're leaving out important parts. If anything, one should be able to be completey honest to strangers on the internet. It is a factor that you were the OW for a little while and you did have an affair. It's like an OW posting about her MM yet she excludes the fact she is married also! You'd be surprised how many people tell half truths to get the answers they are looking for. Actually his family does know we did. It wasn't hidden from them at all. Yeah I'd rather be totally upfront and honest with the situation. No reason to lie, what reason would there be to do that.
BB07 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Ouch. No it's not pretty by any means. I guess that's why I was asking what I was. I know it's emotional hell for the person being abused. I couldn't imagine going through that. I'm sorry you had to. Very glad for you that you didn't have children with the first guy though No pity party for me........in between my bad experiences, I've had at least 2 serious and a couple more casual relationships that had NONE of those aspects so I'm not completely warped. One of those was my 2nd marriage that lasted 9 yrs and was not abusive at all and I had 2 daughters from that relationship.
Author notsurewhattodo34 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 No pity party for me........in between my bad experiences, I've had at least 2 serious and a couple more casual relationships that had NONE of those aspects so I'm not completely warped. One of those was my 2nd marriage that lasted 9 yrs and was not abusive at all and I had 2 daughters from that relationship. Good for you. Glad to see that you didn't let what happen affect your life after that and you could move on I love hearing endings like that.
BB07 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Good for you. Glad to see that you didn't let what happen affect your life after that and you could move on I love hearing endings like that. Well.........I've not got my happy ending yet (peace of mind) (relationship with xmm) screwed that up and did a mind f on me, but I'm working on it. Writing that, I just realized that it did more of a number on me than all the rest. I'll get there.............
spice4life Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 (edited) I am in NO way trying to be a rescuer. That's why I personally have not tried to contact him. I'm leaving him to do what he needs to do. Without me being in the middle of it. I did email him once right after the whole 9 hour phone call ordeal, but have not since then. Simply stated he deserved better than how she was treating him. His family does know, partly why they tried to contact him to see if he was ok and how he was doing. They didn't mention me, just simply asked how he is. But it's hard for a brother or family member to help him if he's not getting back to them either. I wasn't really asking about how to deal with it, just wondering how HARD it is to actually get away from an abusive relationship like that. A lot of people don't see that guys can be emotionally abused too. I've seen it happen besides this. I do realize a lot of people like drama in their lives/marriage, and very well could be a part of it. I just was hoping to hear from people that have been in/are in/left abusive relationships and how hard it was and what they needed to do to get out. Getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship is difficult and won't happen until the abused says, "I've had enough" and actually means it. The abuser knocks them down so low that it is really hard for them to see that they actually do not have to put up with that crap. Once they actually take steps to extricate themselves from the abusive relationship and stick to it, they will see that it was not so hard afterall. They have rights as a human being and don't have tolerate the abuse. They can get a restraining order (I did) and they can keep that restraining order in place as part of the divorce decree (I did that too). BUT, they have to hit their rock bottom first before getting out will even happen. It is truly up to the person being abused to decide when enough is enough. Until then, they remain stuck and continue to allow themselves to be abused. Edited March 29, 2011 by spice4life
dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I can't really say it any better than this! But I will add, from my experience in an abusive M, that the abuse isn't as obvious to the person being abused as you might think. My exH was so manipulative, for many years he had me believing what was happening was a result of my actions, not his. I twisted and turned and changed and did all I could to make it stop. It took me a long time, and ironically, as a result of his cheating, I finally sought counseling and my eyes began to open. It was still a process and not an overnight success, but eventually I realized where the problem really was and how bad it really was and I left. If you want to help your friend, pray for him if you believe in that, send positive and healing energy his way if you believe in that...basically whatever your beliefs are, follow that. It's all you can do. The rest is up to him. He will work this out, and if he leaves her, he will be in touch with you again. But he has his hands full right now and he's going to have to do this work himself. Don't forget, (because I don't want to generalize, I will say MOST people) people that stay in abusive relationships do so for a reason. There are usually issues that are deeper than that relationship itself that lends to the abuser staying. He has his work to do to get out of this, and then he has his work to do to heal from this and whatever lies beneath. My mother woke up after my father's affair. It was so weird watching her discover my father's 'inner jackass' 20+ years after the rest of us figured it out. I am glad that you moved on and found new love.
Author notsurewhattodo34 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Thanks everyone. I plan on doing just that, just keeping him in my thoughts and prayers and hope he works out whatever demons he needs to work out. I hope he pulls through. Until then it's a waiting game. No contact now for over 3 weeks. It's sad.
Author notsurewhattodo34 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 i have a couple of friends who are in a very similar relationship. She's extremely controling and prone to fits of irrational anger, screaming, etc. It was very hard on him and his son, and he turned to my husband and myself for help. We tried, evem went as far as calling the police one night when we were worried about him and his son. After several weeks of this, all of a sudden they are back together and in love. I was really surprised, but from what another of our mutual friends has told me, this is a pattern for them, and has happened before. She has Borderline Personality disorder (she has told me this herself) and it really colors how she realtes to him ( she's emotionally abusive to him) . But there allmost seems to be something in him that "feeds" off her behavior. Not sure what it is. My point is that because of what seem to be some deep seated issues in both of them, he really can't leave, no matter how much he may want to ( not sure if he really does even want to) , and there really is nothing I can do to help. I hate seeing her treat him like that, but there's nothing I can do. I have a feeling that's what's going on with him. Unfortunately there isn't anything anyone can do for a person in that situation unless they WANT the help. I guess he isn't ready, nor is your friend. I hope they wise up soon though.
lovingwhatis Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 If you want to help your friend, pray for him if you believe in that, send positive and healing energy his way if you believe in that...basically whatever your beliefs are, follow that. It's all you can do. The rest is up to him. I completely agree with the above. Such intense stories shared here... Sending hugs to you all, and the man in question and his wife... In my experience it is easy to try to figure out who is the victim, but ultimately I've seen there are no victims per se, but more like people enacting old patterns in a way they best can. I try to not trap my loved ones in my mind as being victims, but instead envision them as happy, content, at peace.
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