Being the OW of an emotionally abused MM

[notsurewhattodo34]

I guess you could call me the OW of a MM. I've known him 12 years, we've been together on more than a few occasions. Before he was married, after he was married etc.

*this might be long sorry*

 

I'm very good friends with him, I know his WHOLE family *brothers, sisters, aunts, moms, dads etc* and he knows mine. On more than a few occasions I've heard stories about his wife, through him, his family, his wife's family etc about how she is with him. She is a very controlling and emotionally abusive person. IE:

 

Kicks him out, takes the keys to the house

Monitors his phone calls and text messages

Tells him who he can and can't talk to

Spends all the money but doesn't work

Won't allow him to touch her in public

Doesn't want any physical contact with him

Doesn't want to initiate sex, but expects him to on those rare occasions

Gets mad at the slightest things

Verbal abuse

I could keep going on but I guess you get the picture

 

He lives in another state, and in Feb. came up for a visit to see family etc. The only reason he was up visiting was because she once again kicked him out *for like the 5th time* and took the keys.

Well he wound up staying a week at my house.

His relationship with his wife has been on the rocks for 5 years or more with her controlling and abusive ways.

So he came to my house, stayed a week. Talked about everything under the sun including the wife, and the situation at home. And how he wants to end things and get a divorce. NOT for me, but because he can't handle her controlling and abusive ways. I did in no way ask him to leave her. That's completely up to him.

He tells me when he goes back he won't be staying there with her *kind of knew that was probably not the case, I figured he didn't want to tell me he had to stay there in fears I would yell at him like his wife or get upset, which I wouldn't have, I understand these things*, We kept in contact for the first week he was home. Phone calls, 2 or 3 times a days, text messages etc.

Then he tells me his wife is looking at the phone bills wondering what's going on etc. He says he wants to try to end things on an good note and not try to make it a really bad divorce. That's fine.

So we started lessening how often we talked.

So I had not heard from him in awhile, and decided to call him. Figured since he "wasn't staying at home with her" it wouldn't matter if I called for a min.

Well for some odd reason, he answers the phone *I will never understand why he picked up the phone instead of just ignoring it or muting it*, and he's there at the house with her. *no big surprise to me really*. Well that's when WW3 started. She started calling me. Asking me who I was etc *I would not talk to her simply because it's his job to let her know what's going on, if he wants to end it with her he will tell her, if not he won't.*

I ended up getting phone calls for 9 hours from her *yes 9 hours, from 1:30 in the afternoon to 10:30 at night*, from his cell phone, her cell phone etc. She even left me a 3 min voice mail as she's ARGUING with him, putting him down, yelling and screaming at him which ok he might deserve, but not the things she was saying to him*.

So fine. I figure I'll just drop out of sight for awhile and let it go.

Up to now I haven't heard a thing from him. And it's been 3 weeks. I'm getting a bit worried. SHE did send me a picture/text message once a week after that 9 hour ordeal * won't say of what it was nasty*. She took control of his phone. She will not allow him to talk to his family.

His brother, and his brothers girlfriend AND his niece have all tried to contact him just to see how he is doing. And I've been informed he will not respond.

Normally he will, whether by email, text or phone call. But with repeated attempts to make contact, he will not.

 

So my question is this:

 

How hard is it for a person in general, male or female, to leave an abusive relationship? Even if they say they don't love them because of how they treat them? And WHY would a person allow another person to dictate who they can and can't talk to family wise?

I have had a friend in a similar situation that says it's very hard emotionally to let go of a relationship like that.

I guess I just want some feed back from people if they have been in that situation, how hard it was for them to get out of it.

 

I am in NO way denying my part in what happened. I realize I started something that probably brought him a lot of trouble at home.

I have never expected him to leave his wife for me, only if he wanted to. But it does hurt because I do care about him, and don't want to see him in this type of relationship.

 

So all bashing aside at how I'm a home wrecker etc.

I want to try and be there for him as a friend, but hard to do so when she will not allow him to have any contact with anyone at this point.

I guess I should mention he's been married 9 years with NO kids involved. That's at least a good thing.

Edited March 29, 2011 by notsurewhattodo34
added more info

[whichwayisup]

This whole thing is a mess. He's either a battered husband and is in great need of help from family and friends, to help get him away from his abusive wife, OR he simply likes the drama and is addicted to it. Some couple have a very unhealthy dynamic, awful fights, yet have awesome make up sex and that could make it harder to leave. I'm just saying that there is something keeping him there if isn't damaged emotionally. Hope this makes sense to you.

 

You need to not be the rescuer and be the one to save him. Stay out of this since his wife wants him to have nothing to do with you. If he needs you, contacts you, fine, that's different but stay away and don't offer yourself to him during this time, it'll make it worse on him.

 

You can talk to his family, they know about you two? The affair and all? Maybe they can help convince him to leave her.

[notsurewhattodo34]

This whole thing is a mess. He's either a battered husband and is in great need of help from family and friends, to help get him away from his abusive wife, OR he simply likes the drama and is addicted to it. Some couple have a very unhealthy dynamic, awful fights, yet have awesome make up sex and that could make it harder to leave. I'm just saying that there is something keeping him there if isn't damaged emotionally. Hope this makes sense to you.

 

You need to not be the rescuer and be the one to save him. Stay out of this since his wife wants him to have nothing to do with you. If he needs you, contacts you, fine, that's different but stay away and don't offer yourself to him during this time, it'll make it worse on him.

 

You can talk to his family, they know about you two? The affair and all? Maybe they can help convince him to leave her.

 

 

I am in NO way trying to be a rescuer. That's why I personally have not tried to contact him. I'm leaving him to do what he needs to do. Without me being in the middle of it. I did email him once right after the whole 9 hour phone call ordeal, but have not since then. Simply stated he deserved better than how she was treating him.

 

His family does know, partly why they tried to contact him to see if he was ok and how he was doing. They didn't mention me, just simply asked how he is. But it's hard for a brother or family member to help him if he's not getting back to them either.

 

I wasn't really asking about how to deal with it, just wondering how HARD it is to actually get away from an abusive relationship like that.

A lot of people don't see that guys can be emotionally abused too.

I've seen it happen besides this.

 

I do realize a lot of people like drama in their lives/marriage, and very well could be a part of it. I just was hoping to hear from people that have been in/are in/left abusive relationships and how hard it was and what they needed to do to get out.

[BB07]

notsurewhattodo34.......... I guess you could call me the OW of a MM. I've known him 12 years, we've been together on more than a few occasions. Before he was married, after he was married etc.

*this might be long sorry*

 

I'm very good friends with him, I know his WHOLE family *brothers, sisters, aunts, moms, dads etc* and he knows mine. On more than a few occasions I've heard stories about his wife, through him, his family, his wife's family etc about how she is with him. She is a very controlling and emotionally abusive person. IE:

 

Kicks him out, takes the keys to the house

Monitors his phone calls and text messages

Tells him who he can and can't talk to

Spends all the money but doesn't work

Won't allow him to touch her in public

Doesn't want any physical contact with him

Doesn't want to initiate sex, but expects him to on those rare occasions

Gets mad at the slightest things

Verbal abuse

I could keep going on but I guess you get the picture

 

My first reaction when reading the above was that she has been betrayed by him before and is doing what a lot of women do when they find out that they have been cheating on, so I have to ask if you are positive that isn't what is going on here??

 

He lives in another state, and in Feb. came up for a visit to see family etc. The only reason he was up visiting was because she once again kicked him out *for like the 5th time* and took the keys.

Well he wound up staying a week at my house.

His relationship with his wife has been on the rocks for 5 years or more with her controlling and abusive ways.

So he came to my house, stayed a week. Talked about everything under the sun including the wife, and the situation at home. And how he wants to end things and get a divorce. NOT for me, but because he can't handle her controlling and abusive ways. I did in no way ask him to leave her. That's completely up to him.

He tells me when he goes back he won't be staying there with her *kind of knew that was probably not the case, I figured he didn't want to tell me he had to stay there in fears I would yell at him like his wife or get upset, which I wouldn't have, I understand these things*, We kept in contact for the first week he was home. Phone calls, 2 or 3 times a days, text messages etc.

Then he tells me his wife is looking at the phone bills wondering what's going on etc. He says he wants to try to end things on an good note and not try to make it a really bad divorce. That's fine.

So we started lessening how often we talked.

So I had not heard from him in awhile, and decided to call him. Figured since he "wasn't staying at home with her" it wouldn't matter if I called for a min.

Well for some odd reason, he answers the phone *I will never understand why he picked up the phone instead of just ignoring it or muting it*, and he's there at the house with her. *no big surprise to me really*. Well that's when WW3 started. She started calling me. Asking me who I was etc *I would not talk to her simply because it's his job to let her know what's going on, if he wants to end it with her he will tell her, if not he won't.*

I ended up getting phone calls for 9 hours from her *yes 9 hours, from 1:30 in the afternoon to 10:30 at night*, from his cell phone, her cell phone etc. She even left me a 3 min voice mail as she's ARGUING with him, putting him down, yelling and screaming at him which ok he might deserve, but not the things she was saying to him*.

So fine. I figure I'll just drop out of sight for awhile and let it go.

Up to now I haven't heard a thing from him. And it's been 3 weeks. I'm getting a bit worried. SHE did send me a picture/text message once a week after that 9 hour ordeal * won't say of what it was nasty*. She took control of his phone. She will not allow him to talk to his family.

His brother, and his brothers girlfriend AND his niece have all tried to contact him just to see how he is doing. And I've been informed he will not respond.

Normally he will, whether by email, text or phone call. But with repeated attempts to make contact, he will not.

 

So my question is this:

 

How hard is it for a person in general, male or female, to leave an abusive relationship? Even if they say they don't love them because of how they treat them? And WHY would a person allow another person to dictate who they can and can't talk to family wise?

I have had a friend in a similar situation that says it's very hard emotionally to let go of a relationship like that.

I guess I just want some feed back from people if they have been in that situation, how hard it was for them to get out of it.

 

I am in NO way denying my part in what happened. I realize I started something that probably brought him a lot of trouble at home.

I have never expected him to leave his wife for me, only if he wanted to. But it does hurt because I do care about him, and don't want to see him in this type of relationship.

 

So all bashing aside at how I'm a home wrecker etc.

I want to try and be there for him as a friend, but hard to do so when she will not allow him to have any contact with anyone at this point.

I guess I should mention he's been married 9 years with NO kids involved. That's at least a good thing.

 

Sounds like he has done what most mm do and has thrown you under the bus and honored her no contact request.

I'm wondering why you are so absolutely sure that she is abusive to him. A lot of it sounds like she could just be a woman who has been betrayed and is acting out that craziness. Of course if he really is being abused then there isn't much you can do to help or assist. A lot of people spend years in abusive relationships before they find their way out and some never do get out.

 

Whichever it is with him......your involvement is not going to help him either way and without a doubt it will just bring crazy to your own life. I'd back out like PDQ.

[dreamingoftigers]

My first reaction when reading the above was that she has been betrayed by him before and is doing what a lot of women do when they find out that they have been cheating on, so I have to ask if you are positive that isn't what is going on here??

 

 

 

Sounds like he has done what most mm do and has thrown you under the bus and honored her no contact request.

I'm wondering why you are so absolutely sure that she is abusive to him. A lot of it sounds like she could just be a woman who has been betrayed and is acting out that craziness. Of course if he really is being abused then there isn't much you can do to help or assist. A lot of people spend years in abusive relationships before they find their way out and some never do get out.

 

Whichever it is with him......your involvement is not going to help him either way and without a doubt it will just bring crazy to your own life. I'd back out like PDQ.

 

I read EXACTLY the same things. She's been through this crap with him before. And it has totally pushed her.

 

You got yourself a winner here! If he wanted to be gone, he would've been when she took his keys. He wouldn't have batted an eye.

 

He may feel divided and controlled, but that may not be enough. He may feel that he deserves it. Anyway you cut it, it doesn't line up. At all.

 

Back away, go for the hills and figure out how you ended up being a player in this drama to being with.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He may be codependent and on some level 'need' her. Not every 'need' is a healthy one - hence why you see so many people stay with their abusers even when they have a clear 'out' with no children and no real reason to stay. Some may call it 'abuse' to outsiders but stay any way because that 'abuse' fulfills something inside of them that makes absolutely no sense to those of us on the 'outside'.

 

Read this article and see if it makes sense.

 

Honestly, you can't be his friend right now nor can he be yours. You will need to walk away and clear your head of this. Trying to understand it will twist your brain into a painful pretzel.

[dreamingoftigers]

Honestly, you can't be his friend right now nor can he be yours. You will need to walk away and clear your head of this. Trying to understand it will twist your brain into a painful pretzel.[/QUOTE]

 

This ^^^^^

[notsurewhattodo34]

I'm NOT involved anymore. I've made it clear I've cut all contact.

Do I know for SURE 100% that she is like that, no of course not.

But when you hear it from relatives of his, him AND her family even, and you hear it, see it. Hard to not believe there is at least SOME truth in what's going on.

 

He very well may be throwing me under the bus, and that's fine. If that's what he chooses to do, so be it. That's his choice.

 

Hurts not getting closure, but it is what it is.

 

I realize that this may all be a bunch of sh**. But from what I've SEEN and heard through the last 12 years, eh probably not the case.

 

I'm concerned as a friend more than anything.

I hate seeing ANYONE in abusive relationships.

As you put it, IF he is actually in one, I would hope he seeks help, and do what he should do to not be treated the way he is being treated.

[Owl]

I'd like to make the suggestion that you not let yourself focus on his situation anymore.

 

Affairs are often VERY difficult to "get over". I'd suggest not letting yourself be concerned with what may be going on in his situation would be the best path to let yourself move on.

 

Being there for him "as a friend" isn't going to work anymore. There's no way he can work on his marriage and keep you as a friend. There's no way that your friendship with him would not cause him massive strife and fighting in his marriage, especially given what you've described.

 

I know this may hurt...but your best bet is to move on and learn from what all you've gone through.

[notsurewhattodo34]

I read EXACTLY the same things. She's been through this crap with him before. And it has totally pushed her.

 

You got yourself a winner here! If he wanted to be gone, he would've been when she took his keys. He wouldn't have batted an eye.

 

He may feel divided and controlled, but that may not be enough. He may feel that he deserves it. Anyway you cut it, it doesn't line up. At all.

 

Back away, go for the hills and figure out how you ended up being a player in this drama to being with.

 

 

 

Almost feels like ppl don't believe guys can be in a controlling abusive relationship. That it's all females that go through it.

 

Anyone ever think that maybe she's had a rough life BEFORE she married him? And that's how she deals with her insecurities?

Ppl drag drama from past relationships into current ones all the time.

Doesn't mean the OTHER person did anything wrong.

 

On the other hand, hey maybe he has done it before.

 

How I ended up in the drama, I care about the. I always have..for 12 years now.

 

Right now it isn't about the "relationship". It's my concern about him as a PERSON.

I'm out of the relationship part of it. I have let it go and accepted that. Hence why I have made NO CONTACT.

 

I'm worried at the fact he's not contacting his FAMILY.

While normally they are very close to one another.

That's the concern. And that's why I've asked OTHER PEOPLE who have been in abusive relationship, how hard it is to get out of them.

 

I've accepted that's it's over. That's not my concern. Not sure people are understanding that.

[notsurewhattodo34]

He may be codependent and on some level 'need' her. Not every 'need' is a healthy one - hence why you see so many people stay with their abusers even when they have a clear 'out' with no children and no real reason to stay. Some may call it 'abuse' to outsiders but stay any way because that 'abuse' fulfills something inside of them that makes absolutely no sense to those of us on the 'outside'.

 

Read this article and see if it makes sense.

 

Honestly, you can't be his friend right now nor can he be yours. You will need to walk away and clear your head of this. Trying to understand it will twist your brain into a painful pretzel.

 

 

THANK YOU..Finally someone who understands what I was trying to ask.

I was just simply giving background on to how it evolved.

[dreamingoftigers]

Almost feels like ppl don't believe guys can be in a controlling abusive relationship. That it's all females that go through it.

 

Anyone ever think that maybe she's had a rough life BEFORE she married him? And that's how she deals with her insecurities?

Ppl drag drama from past relationships into current ones all the time.

Doesn't mean the OTHER person did anything wrong.

 

On the other hand, hey maybe he has done it before.

 

How I ended up in the drama, I care about the. I always have..for 12 years now.

 

Right now it isn't about the "relationship". It's my concern about him as a PERSON.

I'm out of the relationship part of it. I have let it go and accepted that. Hence why I have made NO CONTACT.

 

I'm worried at the fact he's not contacting his FAMILY.

While normally they are very close to one another.

That's the concern. And that's why I've asked OTHER PEOPLE who have been in abusive relationship, how hard it is to get out of them.

 

I've accepted that's it's over. That's not my concern. Not sure people are understanding that.

 

I really don't know how you got that I wouldn't believe a guy was in an abusive relationship.

 

Really read for context. It would seem terribly coincidental for her to have those behaviours AND him be cheating. The two don't seem independent. They may be, but my guess would be that they wouldn't be.

 

If he wasn't cheating, then yeah, that's weird. But he is. If it quacks like a duck.....

 

It would seem that for him as a person he has trouble leaving this relationship, abuse dynamic or not. Abusive relationships are hard to leave. Tremendously. This is due to the shame factor. The victim on some level has found a way to justify it, either they believe on some level they deserve it or they believe that their SO is too sick to stop it, so they let it go and don't consider it part of the relationship in a way.

 

You may have accepted it is over, but you haven't been able to detach emotionally, that's why you are here worried about him. Hence we try to say, find your own peace. Let him worry about him. You can't do anything for him now anyways. If you suspect physical abuse or real permanent harm, then contact the authorities etc. but otherwise you have done what you can and he is an adult with choices to make. Same if it were a woman. Sometimes the victims need to hit rock bottom before things make sense to them and they realize that they cannot live that way anymore.

[Owl]

Almost feels like ppl don't believe guys can be in a controlling abusive relationship. That it's all females that go through it.

 

Anyone ever think that maybe she's had a rough life BEFORE she married him? And that's how she deals with her insecurities?

Ppl drag drama from past relationships into current ones all the time.

Doesn't mean the OTHER person did anything wrong.

 

On the other hand, hey maybe he has done it before.

 

How I ended up in the drama, I care about the. I always have..for 12 years now.

 

Right now it isn't about the "relationship". It's my concern about him as a PERSON.

I'm out of the relationship part of it. I have let it go and accepted that. Hence why I have made NO CONTACT.

 

I'm worried at the fact he's not contacting his FAMILY.

While normally they are very close to one another.

That's the concern. And that's why I've asked OTHER PEOPLE who have been in abusive relationship, how hard it is to get out of them.

 

I've accepted that's it's over. That's not my concern. Not sure people are understanding that.

 

No need for the defensiveness here.

 

The reason you got the responses you did is simply because what you described is an almost exact description of the kind of things that someone who has been betrayed before often does after they've learned of the betrayal.

 

Take it from someone who has been there.

 

What you described sounds like a woman who has been burnt by her spouse in the past. Maybe it was a previous marriage...or maybe it is abuse and not a response to having been cheated on.

 

But don't disregard the advice you were given here...it's something to consider.

[notsurewhattodo34]

So I guess I'm going to put this out there to help people understand.

I'm not trying to figure out ways to HELP him.

 

I'm out of my own curiosity, trying to get help understanding why people stay with controlling people. And how hard it is to get out of them.

 

This isn't the first time I've dealt with people not wanting to leave an abusive relationship.

 

I'm not making excuses for him, I'm not saying he may not have done it before.

But for people to sit there and act like guys can't be in a controlling or an abusive relationship amazes me.

Instead of dealing with the actual question, people put him down saying "oh he's done it before and she finally snapped" or whatever.

 

Women get into mentally abusive relationships ALL the time w/o any fault of their own. That's just his personality.

Why is it Women can't be like that too?

Why is it only guys that act that way, and people are surprised or act like women can't do it, only men.

 

I see posts all the time about how women walk into a relationship, things are great for the first 3 months, then the guy starts getting controlling, and by then they are already in "love" with the person, and so they don't leave.

 

Why is it that so hard to see that guys can fall into that trap too WITHOUT them even doing anything?

So it's automatic that if a female tries to control a guy that means they have cheated in the past?

I find that hard to believe honestly.

 

I've had a friend in a relationship just like this one, and he didn't cheat on her AT ALL.

 

So it really frustrates that people automatically assume he's done it before.

 

This really has NOTHING to do with me or the relationship. It really was just all about trying to understand abusive behavior and how hard it is to get away from.

[whichwayisup]

I get that you're concerned. I get that you know the affair is over. But, you can't worry about him all the time. Yes you care, we understand.. There is no friendship, even more so since the A is over.

 

Does his family know that you two have had an affair?

 

They have an unhealthy dynamic for sure, and 12 years is a long time.

 

Yes men can be abused, noone is denying that..It's just parts of your story and details are mimicking what betrayed spouses request (all contact cut, watching cell/email/texts etc) after finding out about an affair.

 

Are you his first affair? It is possible, as someone else said, that he has cheated before and this affair now that has ended, really pushd her too far.

 

Again, I get that you care about him, but since the A is over and you two cannot be friends, most are just advising you to detach and not get involved even if from afar about his life and what's going on there. By doing that, it keeps you in his life from the sidelines and prevents you from grieving and letting go, and healing.

[notsurewhattodo34]

No need for the defensiveness here.

 

The reason you got the responses you did is simply because what you described is an almost exact description of the kind of things that someone who has been betrayed before often does after they've learned of the betrayal.

 

Take it from someone who has been there.

 

What you described sounds like a woman who has been burnt by her spouse in the past. Maybe it was a previous marriage...or maybe it is abuse and not a response to having been cheated on.

 

But don't disregard the advice you were given here...it's something to consider.

 

 

Thank you for saying that. The part about "sounds like a woman who has been burnt by her spouse in the past".

I'm not getting defensive, just trying to make a point that, just because a woman is controlling, doesn't mean HE did anything wrong. And ppl are making the assumption he has.

I don't like feeling like I'm getting jumped all over. I thought this was a place to come and talk about situations w/o feeling like you are being judged.

And it really wasn't about the "relationship" part of it at all. But somehow it turned into it.

I was just curious about the abusive part of it. Whether or not it's real. I was still curious to know how hard it is for people to leave situations like that. But thank you for your insight.

[BB07]

I just wanted to point out that you need to consider all possibilities and yes I've been in 2 emotionally abusive relationships in my life and some would say that xmm was abusive also as he LIED about everything. So I know a hell of a lot more than I care to know about abuse in my 50 years.

 

Take care of you.........say a prayer for him and keep your distance.

[Owl]

OK...NO ONE HERE HAS SAID THAT GUYS CAN'T BE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

 

No one has said that he is not in one.

 

They're pointing out to you that there may be other factors that you're not considering.

 

There's been no one saying that guys can't be abused.

 

As far as WHY he stays...all we can do is take educated guesses.

 

I've known people to stay in abusive relationships. Often there is love. Often the entire relationship isn't abusive...its rare that the abuse happens 100% of the time.

 

It normally happens in cycles.

 

And its the "good parts" of the cycle that they stay for.

 

There's no way to tell from out here. No way you can know for sure either.

 

That's why I suggested you not worry about it, and try to move on. You're not going to do yourself any good by focusing on that which you can't solve. Focus on taking care of yourself instead.

[whichwayisup]

So I guess I'm going to put this out there to help people understand.

I'm not trying to figure out ways to HELP him.

 

Your username, notsurewhattodo doesn't reflect the above.. To me, it read, from your opening post, an ex AP now concerned friend about her exMM.

 

When an A ends, especially for your own healing, it's best to not know what goes on in his life anymore.

 

Anyway, I do hope he's able to get help, his family and close friends can get him out of this abusive marriage.

[notsurewhattodo34]

I really don't know how you got that I wouldn't believe a guy was in an abusive relationship.

 

Really read for context. It would seem terribly coincidental for her to have those behaviours AND him be cheating. The two don't seem independent. They may be, but my guess would be that they wouldn't be.

 

If he wasn't cheating, then yeah, that's weird. But he is. If it quacks like a duck.....

 

It would seem that for him as a person he has trouble leaving this relationship, abuse dynamic or not. Abusive relationships are hard to leave. Tremendously. This is due to the shame factor. The victim on some level has found a way to justify it, either they believe on some level they deserve it or they believe that their SO is too sick to stop it, so they let it go and don't consider it part of the relationship in a way.

 

You may have accepted it is over, but you haven't been able to detach emotionally, that's why you are here worried about him. Hence we try to say, find your own peace. Let him worry about him. You can't do anything for him now anyways. If you suspect physical abuse or real permanent harm, then contact the authorities etc. but otherwise you have done what you can and he is an adult with choices to make. Same if it were a woman. Sometimes the victims need to hit rock bottom before things make sense to them and they realize that they cannot live that way anymore.

 

 

We have NOT been in a relationship for having an A for 12 years.

Sorry I didn't make that clear earlier. We did have a relationship 12 years ago. And have been nothing more than friends for the last 11 up until recently.

[BB07]

Great post Owl....you said everything that I wish I had said.

[dreamingoftigers]

We have NOT been in a relationship for having an A for 12 years.

Sorry I didn't make that clear earlier. We did have a relationship 12 years ago. And have been nothing more than friends for the last 11 up until recently.

 

I didn't assume that. You appear to be making a lot of assumptions based off of what I am saying. Please feel free to reread for what I am actually saying.

 

I don't know how long his wife has supposedly been a crazy cracker for either.

[notsurewhattodo34]

Your username, notsurewhattodo doesn't reflect the above.. To me, it read, from your opening post, an ex AP now concerned friend about her exMM.

 

When an A ends, especially for your own healing, it's best to not know what goes on in his life anymore.

 

Anyway, I do hope he's able to get help, his family and close friends can get him out of this abusive marriage.

 

 

You are right. It probably is best. Hard to let go of a 12 year friendship and not care about what happens to him though.

 

I do not in any way mean to come off sounding defensive. I was just asking something simple, and it turned into something I didn't mean for it to that's all.

 

I am moving on with my life. But doesn't mean I'm not going to be concerned for him. Just hard to let go sometimes I guess.

[whichwayisup]

We have NOT been in a relationship for having an A for 12 years.

Sorry I didn't make that clear earlier. We did have a relationship 12 years ago. And have been nothing more than friends for the last 11 up until recently.

 

then why is your post called being the OW of an emotionally abused man. Did you mean you used to have a relationship, it ended 11 years ago, I assume, once he got married and now you two have been friends (sound more like an emotional affair).. if you are not an OW at all, then you have nothing to worry about in a sense of getting over him. Sorry I am confused as your info that you've given so far is changing abit.

 

Noone is attacking you, noone has named called or been rude. You're defensive because you see things one way and anybody who's given their different opinion, you are taking out of context and personally. Everyone is trying to help, with respect. And noone has judged you here.

[notsurewhattodo34]

I didn't assume that. You appear to be making a lot of assumptions based off of what I am saying. Please feel free to reread for what I am actually saying.

 

I don't know how long his wife has supposedly been a crazy cracker for either.

 

 

I didn't mean to imply you thought that. I just thought I'd add it in there that this hasn't been an ongoing 12 year relationship that's all.

Sorry about that.