Mrlonelyone Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I really don't get why some of these guys are having such a hard time. i used to date guys with social problems and it seems that in many instances they are expecting the girl to: A: hit them over the head in a big way to let them know that she's attracted even though he often has trouble even talking to her B: Do the asking C: Assume that's he's totally into her. Anything else seems to generate contempt. It is almost like there is this underlying belief that women "control" the relationship and control it so much that they have to do all of the chasing. It seems like the basic social cues and dating skills were written in a manual they didn't pick up yet. This reminds me of a post where one guy described how his grandfather suggested that he should date. His grandfather told him: If you see a girl you like follow her home to see where she lives. Then go get some flowers, put on your Sunday best suit... and go ask her out. His grandfather did not understand that if you go to the home of a woman you don't have some kind of relationship with (even as friends) then you will likely be called a creep wierdo or stalker. I would take it one step further... those guys you dealt with... likely had someone call them such names or even file a complaint against them to that effect at one point. After such an experience a man says "screw it....then only goes after women tho are CRAZY about him and willing to show it. The fact that those guys with social problems need a little more encouragement to take a risk of rejection is because they have been rejected before. Rejected badly and hurtfully. Why do something that has only caused a real and repeated pain? Their is also the fact that they have social problems and don't know what signals mean what from women... but then no honest heterosexual man (or homosexual man) really knows that either.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I'd love to translate that into dating, but I don't know how. I can easily talk to strange girls, but I cannot easily get dates. I don't know if it's confidence or a general disconnect, but I got to figure it out. figure it out? its hard to figure out without tons of practice, and most of the time, women wont point out your mistakes. Have you done any research on dating dynamics?
daphne Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 An example would be if I were to send an email to a woman online. She never responds. I then dig deeper into her profile, follow it over the course of a few months, realize she's still single. At this point I laugh and point it out to others at how ridiculous her profile is at wanting to be with a man who has a decent job, or is significantly taller. I then come to the conclusion that she is wrong and she is doomed to being alone until she lowers her standards since she never gave me a chance. I ask questions like "when will she realize?" and "she's been single for over a year, shouldn't she lower her standards?" on a regular basis about multiple women What would you say to this behavior? Especially if I kept doing it over an over again? I would think you were a seriously negative person with a seriously unfun life. I'm glad you brought this up. I have to occasionally hear this nonsense myself. One woman tried to set me up and when I politely declined to go out with the guy for a second date, this negative woman told me that I thought I was too good for anyone even though I meet the best guys in XXX (city.) Not true. I just didn't want to date her friend, who was uber negative and critical just like her. Call me crazy.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I agree. But it really depends on whether the opposite gender parent was a good role model. And if they weren't, it's up to people to break down what isn't healthy and break out of the cycle. Oh true, just a lot of times when we figure we have the problem beat, it rears it's ugly head! I never consciously chose someone like my father, in fact tried for something quite different, I did end up with someone unhealthy though and when you are in the situation it is very hard to accept, I think some of us won't be free of the influence without at least a decade of conscious introspection. Onward and upward!
daphne Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I totally get the thread now. Yes, there's more than one here. It's bitterness at not getting what they feel they are entitled to instead of learning to take responsibility on how to be the best person you can be to get the person you can get. To a certain extent, I think whenever there's more than a passing flirtation we all get a little snarky in our heads when someone passes us up for a seemingly better option. But we move on and many of us wish that other person well. It's clear that we weren't right for each other or we'd be together, so why waste the energy being angry about it? But an entitled person is like an angry child that wants what he wants when he wants it and tears down the object of interest. It's just immaturity.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 This reminds me of a post where one guy described how his grandfather suggested that he should date. His grandfather told him: You know what, one of my best friends who is blind did just this and got a date with my best friend. The chemistry wasn't quite there for either one if them but he did get the date. His grandfather did not understand that if you go to the home of a woman you don't have some kind of relationship with (even as friends) then you will likely be called a creep wierdo or stalker. I would take it one step further... those guys you dealt with... likely had someone call them such names or even file a complaint against them to that effect at one point. After such an experience a man says "screw it....then only goes after women tho are CRAZY about him and willing to show it. The fact that those guys with social problems need a little more encouragement to take a risk of rejection is because they have been rejected before. Rejected badly and hurtfully. Why do something that has only caused a real and repeated pain? So that they have odds of getting the reward and not have to whine on LS about not getting any. Like any other subject, sport etc. You study and then pursue. Do you really think that any dating rejections were any worse then the 'rejections' I received as a panhandler? Including threats, police etc? I never got arrested or assaulted and the incentive was still there. Dating has lower risks and better incentives, it just matters how much grit you have and how much you are willing to deal with and get around to get what you want. And no, if you don't show enthusiasm you really can't expect a woman to show that to you. Plus you don't stop job hunting if one employer gives you a brutal rejection. Let's face it, the most determined are the ones that get their genes passed on! Their is also the fact that they have social problems and don't know what signals mean what from women... but then no honest heterosexual man (or homosexual man) really knows that either. That is one of those 'watch and learn' things. If you make note if every rejection, you hone your skills until you start to see patterns. Players do this, they act enthusiastic about that particular girl, like it would be a pleasure to spend time with her especially because she is so beautiful but they keep it a little detached, like if she turns them away it us okay because they were grateful for her company.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Trust me I know the logic behind rejection. I play basketball fairly regularly. Every time I play I have more of my shots blocked than anyone else on the court, but I also score more points than anyone else on the court. I never let those blocked shots get to me and I move on. I'd love to translate that into dating, but I don't know how. I can easily talk to strange girls, but I cannot easily get dates. I don't know if it's confidence or a general disconnect, but I got to figure it out. I'm more pessimistic today than usual (probably because I'm getting sick) so that probably made my post sound more negative. It really is about the same thing. The fact that you don't have a problem talking with girls is great. One thing that may help is noticing what they are wearing or carrying, like if she is jogging, comment on the area or her brand of shoes or something, make it something innocuous that you can strike up with. After ask if she would like to try a different park with you one morning, something like that, very ambiguous, very casual. And then starts a small connection and a bit of mystery. 1000 times and then I'll buy it
dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Just annoying. Refusing to look in the mirror despite the exact same outcome and analysis of every woman that rejects them....they truly believe the whole world is wrong and they are perfect? I have been through plenty of struggle. I used to get anxiety attacks from the stresses of dating. Have you ever had anxiety? It's like someone ripped out a chunk of you between your heart and your stomach and it's hard to breathe all day long, sometimes for no reason. I actually did something about it, I got help, I opened my mind to a new perspective and it made all the difference in my life. One thing I won't sympathize with though is the generalization and irrational thought that "it's everyone else and not me" mindset. So easy is it to judge the world but these particular individuals have a hard time looking in the mirror. Good for you got overcoming anxiety to get into dating! I know the struggle with that is immense and intense. That takes a lot if courage. Just so you know EMDR therapy is very good for overcoming it as well, it lowers the anxiety triggers. I know a lot of these guys have trouble stepping out if their comfort zones, but life isn't going to just walk up and hand everything over to you!
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