Making excuses and blaiming others

[GivenUp0083]

I know someone who can't get a date, so instead of trying to work on themselves and improve themselves to make them a better match or increase their overall daily happiness they instead rip on women.

 

I don't know why, but I'm finding there's people out there who feel a NEED to have a boyfriend or they can't feel happy with themselves. I don't know how this is happened but I think some people have it ingrained in their heads that you HAVE to get married someday, rather than thinking of getting married as something you do if you are lucky enough to find a person who is a great match with you.

 

What bothers me the most is when these individuals nitpick and criticize members of the opposite sex and their preferences. If a girl wants to only date men over 6 ft tall, then fine, that's her right. If that excludes you, then think about what those "requirements" of hers speaks to her personality? Maybe its a hint at her closed mind train of thought and maybe that's something you'd rather do without anyway. If a woman wants to limit her options and go after a specific criteria of characterstics in men she dates then that's her every right, and if she's single for a long period of time because she's trying to find that, then that's okay too. It's none of your business what she wants after the point of rejection. Why does she HAVE to settle in order to be happy? Why can't she be happy with herself, know what she wants in a man, and wait until he comes along?

 

I just don't understand why anyone would want to change someone or try to convince someone else to like them. I personally wouldn't want to spend time with a girl that wasn't interested in me for any reason. What fun would that be?

[Mrlonelyone]

I know someone who can't get a date, so instead of trying to work on themselves and improve themselves to make them a better match or increase their overall daily happiness they instead rip on women.

 

People who I see doing that have often been recently hurt by women and feel a need to vent.

 

Say they had a series of GF's who cheated on them? It's natural that for a time they may be jaded and need to vent. No?

 

I don't know why, but I'm finding there's people out there who feel a NEED to have a boyfriend or they can't feel happy with themselves. I don't know how this is happened but I think some people have it ingrained in their heads that you HAVE to get married someday, rather than thinking of getting married as something you do if you are lucky enough to find a person who is a great match with you.

 

Get married per se....no.

 

However there is a biological imperative to have sex... because sex leads to children and without children we go extinct. (The only difference in LGB sex is the target of desire... it's still the same basic natural drive just with some crossed wires.)

 

I do feel what you are saying here... Look at any commercial for anything. The people in it are very often implied to be in a relationship of some kind. Especially around the holidays EVERY commercial it seemed in 12/2010 showed happy families. It was as if single and/or childless people did not exist. They sell us marriage along with toys.

 

What bothers me the most is when these individuals nitpick and criticize members of the opposite sex and their preferences. If a girl wants to only date men over 6 ft tall, then fine, that's her right. If that excludes you, then think about what those "requirements" of hers speaks to her personality? Maybe its a hint at her closed mind train of thought and maybe that's something you'd rather do without anyway. If a woman wants to limit her options and go after a specific criteria of characterstics in men she dates then that's her every right, and if she's single for a long period of time because she's trying to find that, then that's okay too. It's none of your business what she wants after the point of rejection. Why does she HAVE to settle in order to be happy? Why can't she be happy with herself, know what she wants in a man, and wait until he comes along?

 

Like I said those guys are frustrated and venting. What good is a support website for if it can't give every kind of support. Odds are these same guys vent so much here....because they don't in real life.

 

I just don't understand why anyone would want to change someone or try to convince someone else to like them.

 

Neither do I. Yet people think all they can do is change themselves to get more dating success. Weather they want to change or really need to change or not.

 

I personally wouldn't want to spend time with a girl that wasn't interested in me for any reason. What fun would that be?

 

Well that's hard to say. A womans interest, or a mans for that matter, can be hard to gauge sometimes. The classic mixed signals and game playing... sometimes it leads to relationships... sometimes it does not.

 

Suppose the woman who's "not interested" in you and only you... is simply multidating? Should you not do the same thing. Keep your options open.

[threebyfate]

Love this thread!

 

What's more attractive guys? A woman with attitude A or B?

 

A) All men are such pigs. Insult, insult, insult, objectify, crudeness, insult, unnecessary, insult, insult.

 

B) Men are cool in general. Compliment, balanced observation, compliment, negative, compliment, balanced observation.

 

Y'all are cutting off your noses to spite your faces. A bad tactic in life.

[GivenUp0083]

An example would be if I were to send an email to a woman online. She never responds. I then dig deeper into her profile, follow it over the course of a few months, realize she's still single. At this point I laugh and point it out to others at how ridiculous her profile is at wanting to be with a man who has a decent job, or is significantly taller. I then come to the conclusion that she is wrong and she is doomed to being alone until she lowers her standards since she never gave me a chance. I ask questions like "when will she realize?" and "she's been single for over a year, shouldn't she lower her standards?" on a regular basis about multiple women

 

What would you say to this behavior? Especially if I kept doing it over an over again?

[fortyninethousand322]

I don't think I've observed any guys on here complaining that specific women had high standards, more often they felt like all women had those same high standards and then used specific examples to justify their conclusions. I really don't know why these men make these statements. I have observed guys of all kinds have success with women (just as I've seen women of all kinds have success with men) so the idea that all women have high impossibly high standards isn't something that I find to be true.

 

As for people feeling a "need" to have a significant other: I think you are right that people are perfectly able to be happy on their own. But, I think it is human nature to want to be with others. Not just for sex or reproductive purposes but for general fulfillment. Happily married people tend to live longer than single people (studies have shown this). Is it marriage that causes them to live longer? Maybe, maybe not, but having a lifelong partner to go through the ups and downs of life with can't possibly hurt.

 

And I don't understand the ripping on women either. If someone is so bent on having others feel sorry for them they might as well just rip themselves.

[Mrlonelyone]

To me whichever one of those options represents her true feelings is most attractive. I would rather have someone who feels A and says A... than someone who feels A and says B.

 

They may have good reason for feeling and saying A at the particular moment.

[Cracker Jack]

Sometimes it's hard to think logically when you suck with women. Just saying.

 

Not that it makes it right to lash out at the opposite sex, because I definitely don't agree with that. I'm usually chill about things. If a girl doesn't want me, then it is what it is--no sense in trying to convince her otherwise.

 

And I do agree with the main point of this topic, so yeah...

[fortyninethousand322]

An example would be if I were to send an email to a woman online. She never responds. I then dig deeper into her profile, follow it over the course of a few months, realize she's still single. At this point I laugh and point it out to others at how ridiculous her profile is at wanting to be with a man who has a decent job, or is significantly taller. I then come to the conclusion that she is wrong and she is doomed to being alone until she lowers her standards since she never gave me a chance. I ask questions like "when will she realize?" and "she's been single for over a year, shouldn't she lower her standards?" on a regular basis about multiple women

 

What would you say to this behavior? Especially if I kept doing it over an over again?

 

I would say that behavior is quite obsessive. No one should care that much about a complete stranger.

 

However, to give you another hypothetical situation: if I were to tell my friends that I was a virgin, that I had never kissed a girl and was otherwise fairly inexperienced with women, their jaws would drop and they would most likely not believe me. Is it because everyone has to date someone? No, but most people find it hard to believe that a relatively normal (to the extent that anyone is normal), reasonably smart, good looking, and sociable person would not find someone who at least piqued their interest every few weeks if not at least every few months. When you meet someone who doesn't fit that profile, it throws some people off.

[utterer of lies]

I know someone who can't get a date, so instead of trying to work on themselves and improve themselves to make them a better match or increase their overall daily happiness they instead rip on women.

 

I don't know why, but I'm finding there's people out there who feel a NEED to have a boyfriend or they can't feel happy with themselves. I don't know how this is happened but I think some people have it ingrained in their heads that you HAVE to get married someday, rather than thinking of getting married as something you do if you are lucky enough to find a person who is a great match with you.

 

What bothers me the most is when these individuals nitpick and criticize members of the opposite sex and their preferences. If a girl wants to only date men over 6 ft tall, then fine, that's her right. If that excludes you, then think about what those "requirements" of hers speaks to her personality? Maybe its a hint at her closed mind train of thought and maybe that's something you'd rather do without anyway. If a woman wants to limit her options and go after a specific criteria of characterstics in men she dates then that's her every right, and if she's single for a long period of time because she's trying to find that, then that's okay too. It's none of your business what she wants after the point of rejection. Why does she HAVE to settle in order to be happy? Why can't she be happy with herself, know what she wants in a man, and wait until he comes along?

 

I just don't understand why anyone would want to change someone or try to convince someone else to like them. I personally wouldn't want to spend time with a girl that wasn't interested in me for any reason. What fun would that be?

 

 

What did irc333 ever do to you?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I just don't understand why anyone would want to change someone or try to convince someone else to like them. I personally wouldn't want to spend time with a girl that wasn't interested in me for any reason. What fun would that be?

 

That's pretty much my attitude. If a woman isn't interested then I don't really care. There are enough that do like me to keep me busy.

 

My primary concern is why they like me.

 

In my experience the women in America are generally shallow, insecure, egotistical, selfish, idiots. I suppose the men are like this too... dunno. I suppose you can't expect much from a group that idolizes Sex in the City.

 

I saw the rates for interracial marriage in the U.S. American guys marrying Asians and Latinas are now far and wide the highest percentage. Back in the day that rarely happened... it used to be just blonde women marrying black guys. I think more and more quality guys are just deciding a huge chunk of the women here are just crap. By 30 most of the quality women are off the market.

 

So my point is... that maybe the guy doesn't suck with women so much as the women he is attempting to deal with suck. I can give him some of my xGF's and he would happily go back to being single and "unlucky".

Edited March 29, 2011 by Untouchable_Fire

[GivenUp0083]

That's pretty much my attitude. If a woman isn't interested then I don't really care. There are enough that do like me to keep me busy.

 

My primary concern is why they like me.

 

In my experience the women in America are generally shallow, insecure, egotistical, selfish, idiots. I suppose the men are like this too... dunno. I suppose you can't expect much from a group that idolizes Sex in the City.

 

I saw the rates for interracial marriage in the U.S. American guys marrying Asians and Latinas are now far and wide the highest percentage. Back in the day that rarely happened... it used to be just blonde women marrying black guys. I think more and more quality guys are just deciding a huge chunk of the women here are just crap. By 30 most of the quality women are off the market.

 

So my point is... that maybe the guy doesn't suck with women so much as the women he is attempting to deal with suck. I can give him some of my xGF's and he would happily go back to being single and "unlucky".

 

I don't know if I'd take it as far as you did with ALL women in America being garbage. I'd like to think my current American gf is pretty awesome.

 

But yeah, you see my point, and sure it sucks when times are tough finding a decent girl, let alone a date, but at what point does one stop complaining about the same thing over and over and decides to do something to change it? The only variable in the equation you have control over is yourself, you can't change others.

[Eddie Edirol]

Sometimes it's hard to think logically when you suck with women. Just saying.

 

Not that it makes it right to lash out at the opposite sex, because I definitely don't agree with that. I'm usually chill about things. If a girl doesn't want me, then it is what it is--no sense in trying to convince her otherwise.

 

And I do agree with the main point of this topic, so yeah...

 

I think that people who blame others for their failures have given up in general, because the doing the same thing that isnt working makes you go mad after a while. When you try different things to get the person you want, you find out that most of peoples standards are flexible. But there will be people out there who dont want to try, and choose to stay where its comfortable, then rile themselves up so they have to vent about it. Ugh.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't know if I'd take it as far as you did with ALL women in America being garbage. I'd like to think my current American gf is pretty awesome.

But yeah, you see my point, and sure it sucks when times are tough finding a decent girl, let alone a date, but at what point does one stop complaining about the same thing over and over and decides to do something to change it? The only variable in the equation you have control over is yourself, you can't change others.

 

No... there are some fantastic women here in America. I just don't see many good ones single... and there is LOTS of crap.

 

The last round of dating was so discouraging. I actually tried the internet thing and had 15 or so dates from it. I had a woman try to push me into her car to go home with her... 2 women who were married and just looking to cheat... a woman who brought her ferret and spoke for it in a weird voice... a woman who's BF called me 3 days after our date and threatened to kill me... a woman who lied about having children... ect.

 

The best date was with a Filipino nurse who was loads of fun, but literally fought me to pay the check. She literally hit me. I thought that meant she wasn't interested... but we had a second date which was also fun.

 

In my experience, american women lie, cheat, and steal, as if they are entitled to do those things without consequence... and in fact they really don't suffer any consequences at all for doing that. Hell... we pay them money for being buttholes.

[GivenUp0083]

No... there are some fantastic women here in America. I just don't see many good ones single... and there is LOTS of crap.

 

The last round of dating was so discouraging. I actually tried the internet thing and had 15 or so dates from it. I had a woman try to push me into her car to go home with her... 2 women who were married and just looking to cheat... a woman who brought her ferret and spoke for it in a weird voice... a woman who's BF called me 3 days after our date and threatened to kill me... a woman who lied about having children... ect.

 

The best date was with a Filipino nurse who was loads of fun, but literally fought me to pay the check. She literally hit me. I thought that meant she wasn't interested... but we had a second date which was also fun.

 

In my experience, american women lie, cheat, and steal, as if they are entitled to do those things without consequence... and in fact they really don't suffer any consequences at all for doing that. Hell... we pay them money for being buttholes.

 

Well maybe you need to do a little more due dilligence in getting to know them a little more before meeting them, or tweak your search in terms of types of girls you pursue.

 

I went through 25+ first dates from online dating, and I never went through any type of "nightmare" experience like you have. For the most part, they were all very respectful. The worse situations I ever ran into was going out on 3-5 dates with a girl that seemed to go well, and then they disappeared and never heard from them again. That was hard for me to deal with, but instead of generalizing all american women and giving up on it, I stuck with it, decided to focus on finding a NICE GIRL and I was more picky on who I was willing to take out on a date.

 

It worked out very nicely for me.

[dreamingoftigers]

I really don't get why some of these guys are having such a hard time.

 

i used to date guys with social problems and it seems that in many instances they are expecting the girl to:

 

A: hit them over the head in a big way to let them know that she's attracted even though he often has trouble even talking to her

 

B: Do the asking

 

C: Assume that's he's totally into her.

 

Anything else seems to generate contempt. It is almost like there is this underlying belief that women "control" the relationship and control it so much that they have to do all of the chasing.

 

It seems like the basic social cues and dating skills were written in a manual they didn't pick up yet.

[threebyfate]

They're looking for mommy.

[TouchedByViolet]

I think most of these guys are just venting from frustration. I have been there and done that.

 

The people who cannot empathize simply haven't experienced the same frustrations.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think most of these guys are just venting from frustration. I have been there and done that.

 

The people who cannot empathize simply haven't experienced the same frustrations.

 

I do specifically mean the ones that hang on.

[fortyninethousand322]

I really don't get why some of these guys are having such a hard time.

 

i used to date guys with social problems and it seems that in many instances they are expecting the girl to:

 

A: hit them over the head in a big way to let them know that she's attracted even though he often has trouble even talking to her

 

B: Do the asking

 

C: Assume that's he's totally into her.

 

Anything else seems to generate contempt. It is almost like there is this underlying belief that women "control" the relationship and control it so much that they have to do all of the chasing.

 

It seems like the basic social cues and dating skills were written in a manual they didn't pick up yet.

 

You don't get why they're having such a hard time because you're normal, and from a normal perspective it makes no sense. These types of guys (I'm one of them) are not likely to ever "get it". It's no one's fault really, just the reality.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Well maybe you need to do a little more due dilligence in getting to know them a little more before meeting them, or tweak your search in terms of types of girls you pursue.

I went through 25+ first dates from online dating, and I never went through any type of "nightmare" experience like you have. For the most part, they were all very respectful. The worse situations I ever ran into was going out on 3-5 dates with a girl that seemed to go well, and then they disappeared and never heard from them again. That was hard for me to deal with, but instead of generalizing all american women and giving up on it, I stuck with it, decided to focus on finding a NICE GIRL and I was more picky on who I was willing to take out on a date.

It worked out very nicely for me.

 

Seriously... even if I just picked women at random I should NEVER run into women who are currently married or have BF's!

 

I never had a woman just vanish on me like that. There were a couple I knew were dating other guys at the same time. A couple of those girls I dated I actually stay in contact with. The ferret girl for example... I've had drinks with her and her friends a few times. She has a BF now and I have a GF.

 

Anyway... I would wager to guess that of the 25 women you dated a good number were cheats and liars.... you just never found out.

 

Also... I percieved fewer problems when I was younger. Now that I'm 30 and have started dating a woman from somewhere else... I can easily see the differences better.

 

If you have never tasted sugar, how can you know what's sweet.

[dreamingoftigers]

You don't get why they're having such a hard time because you're normal, and from a normal perspective it makes no sense. These types of guys (I'm one of them) are not likely to ever "get it". It's no one's fault really, just the reality.

 

Dude, I was 315 lbs when I got married. My background is the ****s. And I bite my nails. I ain't no hottie. Yet, but I am working on it.

 

To the vast majority of men I was undateable in my teens and early 20s.

 

You play the odds. You keep playing them until you get what you want. You don't stop job hunting because it didn't work out on week 1.

 

When I job hunt I apply to a minimum 10 places a day as a goal. It hasn't taken me longer then 1.5 days to find a job.

 

When I started my business I advertised on every free site I could. I dropped my card with anyone I had a two minute conversation with. The Swiss Chalet delivery girl became one of our clients.

 

I went to a trade show and gave cards and treats etc to everyone that came by my table. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

 

It takes effort, it takes getting rejected, repeatedly. It's all part of the process. If I get one call from every hundred people, it is worth my time.

 

Go out and make connections with 99 girls. Push yourself, put yourself out there, you already have an edge because you did it.

 

It won't take 99 girls, trust me. The more people you put the feelers out to, the more response you generate.

 

I wouldn't hire a super-fat house cleaner like I was, I would think that her health may slow her down. People hired me and my company, they did it because I put myself out there and the others didn't as much, or there was something about me that they liked. Who knows what? I don't care, it got me where I wanted.

 

You know where I learned the business and advertising mentality? I panhandled. I was a bum. No ****. Tell you what.... most people ignore you, a small portion abuse you. But at the end of the day I made more then I made working. (this doesn't apply to most major cities by the way)

 

I made enough to travel through 36 states, 10 provinces, 2 territories and St Pierre and Miquelon. I bummed. I asked people for change. It added up. Eventually I bought a van and lived in it with my husband. We went around and bummed. I do not recommend this lifestyle. I think it is destructive and I quit because it was wrong and it bothered me.

 

My husband had been a bum for 10 years, he lived under bridges and air vents. He was an alcoholic. He got dates, what the hell is your excuse? He had 60 sexual partners by the time he met me at 26. (I found this disgusting). He even had a fiancee who held a regular job before me (she dumped him). He just made connections with a bunch of people.

 

He quit drinking the week I met him and made a committment to put all of that behind him. Let's just say.... mixed results.

 

The lesson is: it doesn't matter how much of a scrub you are or how undesirable, you reach out enough and make enough connections, you win.

 

You keep connecting with as many people as you can. You play the odds. Your homework is to get rejected as many times as possible this week.

 

If you are going to get rejected anyways, you have nothing to lose right?

 

Get dressed up, get out there, get yourself rejected by 100 different women. Talk to them for a few minutes, try to find out something about them, try to get them to give you a number or stop for coffee 100 different times. Try getting rejected by as many different types of women as you can. See what happens.

 

I will not accept that you are "undateable" until you can get your ass rejected 1000 times. Looks like you have your work cut out for you. Keep count. I can't wait to hear back. You have nothing to lose right?

[dreamingoftigers]

They're looking for mommy.

 

We all tend to look for our opposite gender parent. Sometimes that's just a Hell of a lot more harmful then good.

[fortyninethousand322]

 

You play the odds. You keep playing them until you get what you want. You don't stop job hunting because it didn't work out on week 1.

 

It takes effort, it takes getting rejected, repeatedly. It's all part of the process. If I get one call from every hundred people, it is worth my time.

 

Go out and make connections with 99 girls. Push yourself, put yourself out there, you already have an edge because you did it.

 

 

I will not accept that you are "undateable" until you can get your ass rejected 1000 times. Looks like you have your work cut out for you. Keep count. I can't wait to hear back. You have nothing to lose right?

 

Trust me I know the logic behind rejection. I play basketball fairly regularly. Every time I play I have more of my shots blocked than anyone else on the court, but I also score more points than anyone else on the court. I never let those blocked shots get to me and I move on.

 

I'd love to translate that into dating, but I don't know how. I can easily talk to strange girls, but I cannot easily get dates. I don't know if it's confidence or a general disconnect, but I got to figure it out.

 

I'm more pessimistic today than usual (probably because I'm getting sick) so that probably made my post sound more negative.

[threebyfate]

We all tend to look for our opposite gender parent. Sometimes that's just a Hell of a lot more harmful then good.

I agree. But it really depends on whether the opposite gender parent was a good role model. And if they weren't, it's up to people to break down what isn't healthy and break out of the cycle.

[GivenUp0083]

I think most of these guys are just venting from frustration. I have been there and done that.

 

The people who cannot empathize simply haven't experienced the same frustrations.

 

Ok, but I'm not talking about people just venting here and there, I'm talking about those who CONSTANTLY complain about the same things, just different women. There's a particular poster that has a new story about a new woman every week, and his conclusion is the same result everytime: Well she's been single for over a year since I started keeping tabs on her profile and myspace so she must have such ridiculous requirements of her future mate that she will always be alone until she lowers her standards. Then tries to laugh it off and its like "right guys?".

 

Just annoying. Refusing to look in the mirror despite the exact same outcome and analysis of every woman that rejects them....they truly believe the whole world is wrong and they are perfect?

 

 

I have been through plenty of struggle. I used to get anxiety attacks from the stresses of dating. Have you ever had anxiety? It's like someone ripped out a chunk of you between your heart and your stomach and it's hard to breathe all day long, sometimes for no reason. I actually did something about it, I got help, I opened my mind to a new perspective and it made all the difference in my life. One thing I won't sympathize with though is the generalization and irrational thought that "it's everyone else and not me" mindset. So easy is it to judge the world but these particular individuals have a hard time looking in the mirror.

Edited March 29, 2011 by GivenUp0083