misternoname Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Need some advice. Here's the brief background. I remarried last year after dating for 2 years. My wife has two daughters from her previous marriage. Her youngest is almost 10. She was 3 when the divorce happened. Her father is a decent guy but only has minimal interaction with his girls (every other weekend only...otherwise they're with us the remainder of the time). He tends to favor the older daughter. I have made a tremendous effort to interact with the girls without trying to take their dad's place. I am very careful to not speak badly of him under any circumstances. All and all we get along great. We spend a lot of time together as a blended family. Here's my concern. Last year right before our wedding, we attended her open house at school. The students had their stories for the year displayed. Several of my step daughter's revolved around various activities we had done as a family (shopping, trips to the zoo, boating, etc.) In every one she substituted me for her dad even in one case where it was just her and I doing something together. Considering her mom and I were just dating I took it with a grain of salt. Well...we just went to this year's open house a year into the marriage. One of her stories was about our first "family" trip we took together. The vacation was to Disney so it was focused on them. I went to great lengths to make sure they had fun (their real dad has never taken them anywhere except for family visits). Sure enough she inserted him for me in great detail. I know it seems petty for me to be upset. She is only a kid. It still hurts to know that I am spending my time and money doing things for her that HE should be doing only for him to get the "credit" in her mind. I assume this isn't uncommon. My question is this...do I say something to her or just leave it alone?
TaraMaiden Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Have you spoken to your wife about your concerns? The problem is, it's wishful thinking on her part, and while you see he favours his eldest over her - she probably does too, and it hurts. But unless he does anything deliberately, wilfully hurtful to make her see him in a different light, she's going to carry on 'replacing' you with him. She's striving for the ideal, feels rejected, and she's just trying to fill the void he's left in her life. She misses him - or perhaps it hurts her knowing her real dad left her behind, and sees his eldest in a better way. You know, you can do whatever you want to make things better for her (and I think you should) but first of all, you're going to have to accept this, and secondly, you will see, over time, that as she matures, her view and perspective may shift. Your wife should be made aware of how you feel. I think you should discuss it with her, and tell her it hurts you. But also, make her aware that you put her daughter's needs first. She's not as mature as you, and is processing this in the only way she can, at the moment.
PeachInGeorgia Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 The problem is, it's wishful thinking on her part, and while you see he favours his eldest over her - she probably does too, and it hurts. But unless he does anything deliberately, wilfully hurtful to make her see him in a different light, she's going to carry on 'replacing' you with him. She's striving for the ideal, feels rejected, and she's just trying to fill the void he's left in her life. She misses him - or perhaps it hurts her knowing her real dad left her behind, and sees his eldest in a better way. I was a stepdaughter at one point in my life -- one who desperately wished that her biological father could be at least half the "daddy" that my stepfather was to me. I remember doing the same thing -- making my biological father out to be the hero, until I grew old enough to realize who my real hero was. And he was the man who CHOSE to be my dad, even though he hadn't contributed DNA to my cellular existence. Your stepdaughter will grow up and see the truth -- and thank you for being her dad.
alwaysagoodgirl Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I will try to keep this short. Had a few step dads myself. Not one gave a crap about us kids , they just wanted mom. Sounds like you are doing just as you should. Be there. Be a decent man, husband and friend. This young girl has alot going on in her young heart and mind. Dad may be a lame duck but she loves him just the same, you know? As for the school drawings? She misses her daddy, that's not a bad thing. If I were that girl I would hope you understand how hard all this is for me. Mom is all happy with her new man but I still miss my dad. At this point you are just a new guy mom brought home. Sorry, but that's the truth in a childs eyes. Women do not take into account how confusing it is for a daughter to have a guy move in, playin daddy when she still misses her real father. Don't be offended by the pics. You are providing the real memories, she is just trying to adjust. Adjust to what her heart may want and what her new reality is. One day she will look back and remember how understanding you were. Even though you were hurt a bit too..... Keep doing what you are. Be constant, kind and reliable. She is heading into teenworld soon. She will need you soon enough. She will in time come to respect you too..... This is a little battle I wouldn't worry yourself about. Save your energy for the wars of teenworld that will be comin soon!!!
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 (. . . ) At this point you are just a new guy mom brought home. Sorry, but that's the truth in a childs eyes. Women do not take into account how confusing it is for a daughter to have a guy move in, playin daddy when she still misses her real father. Sorry, but that's crap. look at his post again: "I remarried last year after dating for 2 years." He'd been dating her for 2 years, then married her. I hardly think he's 'just a new guy mom brought home'. You can tell by the rest of the post that he's spent time, effort and commitment trying to make this work. So projecting your own difficult memories onto this situation is at best, misguided, and at worst, biased and blinkered. I think your assessment of this specific situation is way out of the ball-park.
KikiW Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Agree with TM... this girl is wishing her father paid closer attention to her, was a REAL daddy instead of the quarter-dad she ended up with. I know the feeling, my step-father was more of a dad to me than my own but it wasn't until much later that I realized it. Being a child of divorced parents can be very difficult, and often then feel like their bio-parent will be angry with them or withhold affection if they knew that they liked the step-parent. I suspect the younger daughter is trying to get bio-dad's attention and is totally oblivious to how it affects you. This is understandable, but this is where her mom needs to step in and tell her how her behavior affects others. That's how she learns how she relates to other and that her actions can have consequences. I'd recommend running things by a counselor with a specialty with kids if you or your wife need some help putting things in perspective or framing conversations with the daughter. Just know that there WILL come a time when she knows exactly who was her "daddy" and while she will be very hurt it wasn't really her bio-dad, at least she had one
Author misternoname Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Thanks for everyone's input...here's a rather ironic update. Last night my wife was sorting thru her homework. She handed me a recent story her daughter had written. Lo and behold she wrote about her family. She mentioned that her parents are her mom and me! Guess my first post was a bit premature
Dust Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I wouldn’t worry about it. The last thing you want to do is come off as wanting your ego stroked. She might have just done it because she felt embarrassed or something. Maybe she was calling you dad? (your update makes it seem that way.) Bottom line you could do everything in the world for this kid and still have days where she completely forgets that to do something with her father. The love you show for your wife’s kid is foremost for your wife.
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Thanks for everyone's input...here's a rather ironic update. Last night my wife was sorting thru her homework. She handed me a recent story her daughter had written. Lo and behold she wrote about her family. She mentioned that her parents are her mom and me! Guess my first post was a bit premature Ok, but I could understand your concern. have you spoken to your wife about it? keep an eye on it, in a distant, non-obsessive way, but I think it bears all the hallmarks of a kid growing up, with some connflicted ideas, in a loving environment - and she's gonna hit puberty soon, too..... I wish you well. I think you're doing a grand job, and parenting is never easy, whatever the circumstances. Taking and treating these kids the way you do, is a top job, mate. Well done.
perfectlyunique Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Kids sometimes get confused bless them i think all you can do is carry on being there for her. My boyfriend was awful to his stepdad when he was younger bribed him and everything. Really all his step dad was doing was being a parent. Its only when he reached adulthood that he took his stepdad to one side and apologised for the way he was. He wanted his dad to act like a real dad and took it out on his stepdad. You seem like you genuinely care for her and that will show to her she probably just wants her dad to be around more. I do feel for you though because it is hard but your not doing anything wrong x
Irishlove Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Before I read your update I was going to say maybe she WAS talking about you. Maybe she wants to call you dad? Be a stand up man. Sounds like you are doing a great job. Congrats you're a daddy!
Eddie Edirol Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Thanks for everyone's input...here's a rather ironic update. Last night my wife was sorting thru her homework. She handed me a recent story her daughter had written. Lo and behold she wrote about her family. She mentioned that her parents are her mom and me! Guess my first post was a bit premature Sounds to me like youre doing great as a dad in general. Dont push yourself on her, youre doing great right now. I think you should avoid your wife voicing the concern to the daughter because it might come off needy to the daughter. You can keep doing what youre doing, just dont make any expectations over it. Your daughter might flip flop emotionally over the next few years until she finally realizes who the real dad is, it will take a while for it to cement in her head, but youre ahead right now. maybe keep the mentality similar to opening doors for people just for the sake of opening the doors, not for the sake of thank you's.
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