VAW Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I moved 600 miles away to live with my long distance boyfriend of two years. I have lived here now for one year and thought things were going well though we have both had to adjust to living together but nothing major. After three years together I knew how he was yet thought he was really ready to further commit to our relationship when he asked me to move. For the past few months he has been a little distant but I thought it was work stresses and thought nothing of it. I was supportive and loving through it all. He has distanced himself before over the past three years and usually it was because he was having second thoughts about the relationship. In the past we have taken a few "breaks" but he always comes back and seems to be stronger and more in the relationship. Three weeks ago he said out of the blue "you deserve someone that treats you better than me". After thinking about this comment overnight I told him the next day that to me, the only reason a man would say this is because he is cheating or thinking about cheating. He insisted there was no one else but again said I deserved someone better and I told him, yes, maybe I do. After thinking about this I snooped in his email, he is seeing his ex again. She is a married woman of 25 years, lives in the next state over and they work together at the same company and both travel frequently for their job. This woman is the same woman he was having an affair with four years ago when he was married to his ex wife. He and his ex are obviously divorced now because they could not overcome his infidelity but the other woman is still married. When we started dating, he did tell me about the affair but said his marriage was on a destructive path for many years anyway and the affair was almost the means to the end. He wanted to get caught so she would leave him. He has also told me that he has never had a successful relationship because he only goes through the motions trying to make his mate happy, that he is not able to love anyone and has never actually been in love. I thought I could change him! I want to fix everything. UGH! Fast forward to last week, St. Patricks Day. His ex wife called me and asked if I would meet her somewhere, she had some information she wanted to share with me. We met and she shared texts that were exchanged betweeen my boyfriend and her (his ex wife). She recently moved in with her fiance but said she had received a text from my bf that she could cash her support check early for a "favor". She said she thought she would see just how far he would go with this so tried to reel him in. He went right for it. Through the text conversation she made him think that she would sleep with him again, just for fun. When she asked why he would want to do that (because of me and our relationship) he responded "she is not a lifetime, just filling space" and that he had no interest in being intimate with me anylonger and many other hurtful things that killed me to read with my own two eyes. That evening, I confronted him when he came home and he admitted to it, admitted to the married woman, everything. He said "I do not love you enough to live with you or ever marry you. I have been telling you that for a long time". I asked him when did he ever tell me anything like that? He said "I have been telling you for three years, you didn't listen". I was completely and utterly devistated. We have talked a few times since but seem to get nowhere. He says his seeing this other woman and his infidelity has nothing at all to do with me or his feelings for me. He says that he never wanted me to move here and now acts like I just showed up on his front door one day with my and my daughters belongings and just moved in and it did not happen that way at all. I am utterly sick over this. We do live together and at this time I cannot afford to move out on my own. He now is really only home when he has his children, about 4 days a month so we are "roommates" and sleep in diffferent rooms. When he is here he acts like nothing is wrong around the kids because he wants to put up a good front for them but when they go to bed, he is in the office on the computer and doesnt even acknowledge me. We are now going on 8 days of absolutely no contact and he will not be home until next Sunday evening and leaves again for another whole week. To say that I have given up hope would be a complete lie. I do love him very much and would give anything for this to work out. I started seeing a therapist which has helped me quite a bit but he said that he feels my ex bf is a sociopath (antisocial personality disorder). He displays every symptom of it, superficial charm, manipulative, pathological lying, lack of remorse shame and guilt, shallow emotions, incapacity for love, need for stimulation (gambling and promiscuity), lack of empathy, impulsive nature, infidelity etc... The list goes on and on. I am not asking really what to do because I just feel the situation is hopeless and he acts like a robot, no feelings at all. It is like I do not even know this person anymore. I just needed to share my story. I have started dating again, I amnot sure this is a good thing though. The two men I have been out with repulse me to no end. I am not ready to date yet and it is not fair for me to do that to anyone in my condition right now.
Beeotch Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 (edited) I can only begin to imagine how hurt, damaged and torn you feel. That is a horrible situation to be in....but from my experience, every ending is a new beginning and an opportunity for growth, albeit extremely difficult. We often go through such growth experiences kicking and screaming and trying to stay in our comfort zone...but inevitably we are shoved along anyway and only after going through it all do we realize the truth then thank heavens that everything fell apart. You already know and needless to say....this was not an authentic, loving, relationship. While everything he said to you was harsh....it was the truth. I have realized for myself that there is NEVER smoke without fire. We may be blind to it at the time, ignore it, twist it to suit what we want to believe etc...but there are ALWAYS signs and clues as to the reality of our situation. It is just that hindsight is usually 20/20 so we never "see" it until we look back in retrospect. There's the saying "When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them". This is sooo true! Too often people "say" things LOUD AND CLEAR....in their actions but we see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe and shove the red flags out of sight. You should not blame yourself....we're all susceptible to it, but each experience gives us an opportunity to be more self aware and to listen more to our intuition and to pay attention to what is really going on and not what we'd like to be happening. It's normal to still be attached and to "love" this person....but in your heart of hearts you know this is not the best you can do. It won't be easy to rebuild your life after this trauma, but it is possible and people have been in worst scenarios and have overcome. Life isn't easy - fact. But what doesn't kill you certainly makes you stronger and we're very resilient. You've already listed all his bad qualities and you already know the truth...now it is time to introspect and look at yourself and what lessons YOU need to learn from this. You also already know that dating right now IS NOT the way to go...and you feel repulsed for a reason...because you're not healed AT ALL. You don't walk away from such an event overnight...so it is unfair to you and these men to be "dating". Being alone seems daunting and scary...I've been there...but trust me, the best you can do for yourself is to embrace being single as a time to GROW and become a better you for yourself and your child and then when the time is right you can attract a better relationship. But running off to find a replacement without even working on yourself will be a certified mess. Goodluck! Edited March 29, 2011 by Beeotch
Author VAW Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Thank you B. You are right and I am an intelligent woman but I still have hope for whatever reason and I think I need to get rid of this notion. Lord knows I feel already like a certified mess and no need to cloud it further with other innocent bodies trying to date and obtain some normalcy though I do realize I am extremely toxic right now. It does tick me off however that he has no remorse, no guilt and has just moved on so easily. Hopefully karma will give him a good swift kick soon!
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