Kamille Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) I guess I really am second-guessing getting back together with him. Which has less to do with him than how I feel about "second chances." That's a good insight. I think I share your concerns about second chances. I've never really had good luck with them, but friends of mine have had their relationships improve after a second chance. So it's important to not let those beliefs guide you, but to really assess your relationship for what it gives you. But for me, the public part of a relationship is very important because I've had guys who seemed loving in private before and then acted like what we had meant nothing later. I don't ever want to be in that situation. If you make a big fuss of your girlfriend in public, you can't just pretend later that it meant nothing. This is obvious advice, but do not let the past pollute your current relationship. At any rate, I've decided not to make a big thing of it but just to be honest and communicate (something that was a problem before) before I get too worked up. I think that's a great idea. The status thing bothers you. Personally, I don't think it has anything to do with your past experiences or any other reason you mentioned as to why it was important for you that he change his statuses. I think you want him to change his statuses for the most simple (and best) reason ever: because you care for him and you want to know that he cares just as much about you. Don't complicate your assertive action (asking for what you need) with needless (and fear-based) justifications. Make it about what really matters. Lead with your heart. ETA: I was drafting this post as you put up your last response. Happy to see you're in a good headspace about this. Edited March 30, 2011 by Kamille
WorldIsYours Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Just wanted to touch on the FB status thing. I know a few guys who have their girlfriends and they use FB to vent when they're angry and change their "status" temporarily. Maybe he was just stressed about the relationship. I do agree you're probably taking this a little too far.
Author zengirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 That's a good insight. I think I share your concerns about second chances. I've never really had good luck with them, but friends of mine have had their relationships improve after a second chance. So it's important to not let those beliefs guide you, but to really assess your relationship for what it gives you. I have friends who've done well with 2nd chances as well. A lot of it seems to depend on WHY the breakup occurs. I know ours was a hiccup more than anything else----the actual issues were not that bad; we just weren't communicating well and happened to push each others' buttons. A perfect storm. No idea why I feel so strongly about second chances on an emotional level when on a logical level I've seen them work several times. I think that's a great idea. The status thing bothers you. Personally, I don't think it has anything to do with your past experiences or any other reason you mentioned as to why it was important for you that he change his statuses. I think you want him to change his statuses for the most simple (and best) reason ever: because you care for him and you want to know that he cares just as much about you. Don't complicate your assertive action (asking for what you need) with needless (and fear-based) justifications. Make it about what really matters. Lead with your heart. I'm not sure that's really the reason. I mean, I got myself all in a tizzy (Does this mean he doesn't care?) maybe, but I know he cares. I just don't know that he's feeling brave enough to announce it, and that bothers me. I need him to be brave. Hopefully, when I express my needs, it will empower him to be brave. If not, I am okay with this ending, because I do need a man who is not afraid to be All In.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 You sounds like me here - it's kind of unlike you. Don't bring it up again. It will come across as needy and insecure. In my current R, my BF changed his status from single to nothing on the day we became exclusive. I never have a relationship status anyway so I left it as nothing. I did however, ask him the next day to change it to a in a relationship with me. He said that he wants to wait a bit since we have only been dating 2 weeks at that point. He still didn't change it to IRL and it still bugs me but I haven't said anything about it. He did introduce me to all his close friends, distant friends, co-workers and his brother as his gf so I am letting the FB status go. On some level it still feels a bit iffy, as if he is expecting things not to last and is not 100% committed. But saying anything more at this point would be too much. We also haven't been intimate yet - and FB thing makes me want to wait even more.
Author zengirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 You sounds like me here - it's kind of unlike you. Don't bring it up again. It will come across as needy and insecure. In my current R, my BF changed his status from single to nothing on the day we became exclusive. I never have a relationship status anyway so I left it as nothing. I did however, ask him the next day to change it to a in a relationship with me. He said that he wants to wait a bit since we have only been dating 2 weeks at that point. He still didn't change it to IRL and it still bugs me but I haven't said anything about it. He did introduce me to all his close friends, distant friends, co-workers and his brother as his gf so I am letting the FB status go. On some level it still feels a bit iffy, as if he is expecting things not to last and is not 100% committed. But saying anything more at this point would be too much. We also haven't been intimate yet - and FB thing makes me want to wait even more. From a dating perspective, that is all very true. I think that is what tripped me up earlier. I really think "dating skills" and "relationship skills" are not the same. I cannot go into "dating mode" with this guy as we were already together --- maybe some folks could, but I can't. I'm not personally insecure (I am secure in MYSELF), though I do feel the relationship is on less-than-secure ground and have expressed that to him, as it comes with the territory of getting back together. I am fully aware that sharing my needs and feelings could end the relationship, but I was thinking all wrong before, worrying if they could "ruin" it. The fact is, anything that ends because one party shared a need was already ruined. Though presentation is everything. After I chill on this a bit, do some yoga, hang with friends, have a few days, etc, I will not approach it with the same language. I will only bring it up when I can be calm, warm, and direct. That's basic interpersonal skills. But hiding it will do me no good at this point. I don't think it matters in the beginnings of relationships, FTR. I don't think my BF changed his initially till we were dating 6 weeks. That's no biggie. I just don't want to be dating now. I want to be in, or out of, this relationship.
kalikula Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Honestly I agree with you on this one. In the past when my ex and I had broken up (a few times) when he would refuse to change his status back to "in a relationship with me" was when he was really not sure about getting back together or that he was really ready to throw in the towel. I don't even think there's that much to it. If he doesn't want to do it then he's not in 100%. Maybe in that case you should accept that that will take some time, as it will for you guys to feel totally back together again. But I do think it's more important than people think it is because somewhere he has to really be thinking that he wants to display his status as single or he doesn't want to officially put it out there that you two are back together.
EasyHeart Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Slight ThreadJack: Speaking as a dumbass guy, a lot (most, all?) of us don't know or care about relationship statuses. I'm either with a woman or I'm not, and I've never understood all the different labels many of you ladies like to put on things. SO, could someone please list out all the different types/kinds/statuses of relationships for those of us burdened with a Y-chromosome? Is there some kind of class where you learn all these things (I did tend to skip a lot of high school and college.)
Kamille Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Slight ThreadJack: Speaking as a dumbass guy, a lot (most, all?) of us don't know or care about relationship statuses. I'm either with a woman or I'm not, and I've never understood all the different labels many of you ladies like to put on things. SO, could someone please list out all the different types/kinds/statuses of relationships for those of us burdened with a Y-chromosome? Is there some kind of class where you learn all these things (I did tend to skip a lot of high school and college.) I'm only speaking for myself here, but the reason making a status clear is important to me is because, in my late teens and early twenties, I had a series of heart-wrenching "non-status" relationships where the sentence "this is just a casual thing" would be uttered any time I might have an input on the dynamic between us. Basically, not having a status was used to avoid dealing with any issues. It was infuriating and made me feel powerless. The non-label allowed those guys to do as they please, at the expense of taking any of my input into consideration. Fair enough. We didn't have a label. That's how I learned a label was important. I need a certain amount of clarity and security in order to be emotionally fulfilled in a relationship. I need to know I can participate in the decisions that concern the R without being dismissed. Until someone makes our label official, I won't get too emotionally invested. Otherwise, it just gets messy - at least for me.
Author zengirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I don't even think there's that much to it. If he doesn't want to do it then he's not in 100%. Maybe in that case you should accept that that will take some time, as it will for you guys to feel totally back together again. But I do think it's more important than people think it is because somewhere he has to really be thinking that he wants to display his status as single or he doesn't want to officially put it out there that you two are back together. I agree --- if he's consciously not-changing it, it's important. As I said, I mentioned it, but it was mid-date and he wasn't home/near a computer till 5 or 6 hours later, and then he probably slept, and so it's very likely he's not trying to be a jerk and just totally forgot. In that case, no harm, no foul, we just need to talk about it a little more clearly. I kind of said it as a throwaway joke before----which is one of my "issues" maybe. Sometimes my communication is not clear. I'm only speaking for myself here, but the reason making a status clear is important to me is because, in my late teens and early twenties, I had a series of heart-wrenching "non-status" relationships where the sentence "this is just a casual thing" would be uttered any time I might have an input on the dynamic between us. Basically, not having a status was used to avoid dealing with any issues. It was infuriating and made me feel powerless. The non-label allowed those guys to do as they please, at the expense of taking any of my input into consideration. Fair enough. We didn't have a label. I agree with this. I've actually experienced this way before FB in a relationship with my second BF. We were always exclusive, but he had commitment issues so when we got back together once he asked not to have to call me his girlfriend. I thought, "What does the label matter?" and let that fly once, and it was a miserable few months that finally led to us breaking up for good (we had been back and forth several times, no more than a month breakup though, over the course of three years). For the record, it was the time he was HAPPIEST in the relationship, finally felt secure in it, and was shocked when I left. It was also, to go back to an earlier part of this thread, the time things were best between us in private. But it came with a huge sacrifice from me in public, made me feel bad about myself, and made me hate him. Guys like that just aren't for me. I don't really think it's fair to lump the current BF into that pile just because of this, though. As I said, it's entirely possible he forgot. I'm not getting out the pitchfork just yet. Speaking as a dumbass guy, a lot (most, all?) of us don't know or care about relationship statuses. I'm either with a woman or I'm not, and I've never understood all the different labels many of you ladies like to put on things. SO, could someone please list out all the different types/kinds/statuses of relationships for those of us burdened with a Y-chromosome? Is there some kind of class where you learn all these things (I did tend to skip a lot of high school and college.) Saying "Let's not label this" is just as much needing a label as labeling it. I'm sure most guys know what a "boyfriend" is and what a "girlfriend" is. Most of the confusing labels I've heard seem to have been written by dumbass guys for that middle ground between "together" and "not together." At any rate, if you're saying men don't think about FB statuses, that's fair enough. I'll communicate. He'll react. We'll go from there.
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