zengirl Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 So . . . my boyfriend and I had a little tumble and were broken up for a little less than a month. Everything seems mostly fine now. There's just one nagging thing that's bugging me. Now, his FB status still says single and he's still on the dating site (I was on right after the breakup; he didn't come on till a few days before we got back together, and we actually chatted on there -- where we first met -- again before getting back together; he hasn't been back on since we chatted, but it's up and says "Single" whereas I've changed mine to "Seeing Someone" and my FB status to IRL (I never list the person's name). It's a silly thing. He never slept with anyone or dated anyone when we were apart. He says he's committed to me and we're together. But I kind of tried to lightly remind him (mid-date, so he couldn't change it right then) to change that stuff, and he didn't. What now? I feel like if I remind him again, I'm a nag. Besides, he changed it back to Single the very day we broke up (so did I, and I think he saw it in my feed and changed his then --- that's how he changed it to IRL last time too, I changed mine and a few minutes later than that, he changed his). But he changed the dating website on his own last time. I don't know --- it just makes me wonder if all his friends know we're back together and if he's really committed to it. It's like he can totally re-write history and say "No, we were just talking -- we never got back together" but not if he changes these and everybody sees/knows it. Then he at least has to OWN his actions. Is this a bad sign? Or should I just relax a bit and wait for him to remember? Or should I bring it up again?
SweetDaphne Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Zengirl - I'd relax for right now. He's a guy and changing his 'status' may not be that big of a deal for him or really not even in his mind. It could've just been that he noticed the previous times that you had changed yours in his 'news feed' so he changed his too. Either way - this IS NOT something you want to fight over as soon as you've JUST gotten back together. Relax. You know he hasn't logged back onto the site and you know you're together so leave it at that. If he hasn't it changed it a month from now, you can bring it up casually, but right now, leave it alone and just enjoy being back together.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I agree with Daphne. The FB RLship status isn't a huge deal. As long as you know you are together in real life.
tigressA Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I would relax--for a week at least--then bring it up again if nothing has changed. Give him a chance to remember and do it completely of his own accord. I've found that a lot of guys don't care about FB status. My own BF wouldn't have changed his beyond removing his single status if I had never brought it up to him.
Author zengirl Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 I would relax--for a week at least--then bring it up again if nothing has changed. Give him a chance to remember and do it completely of his own accord. I've found that a lot of guys don't care about FB status. My own BF wouldn't have changed his beyond removing his single status if I had never brought it up to him. Yeah, it's been a couple weeks already FTR. Also, I just want him to change it to say either nothing (not "Single" as it does) or IRL. Not "IRL with zengirl," which we never did. I guess the issue is until he changes that I don't "know" we're together. I don't want to "fight" about it. But it seems weird to me that it takes him awhile to change it to "IRL" and no time at all to change it to "Single." I guess I really am second-guessing getting back together with him. Which has less to do with him than how I feel about "second chances." I'll think on it a bit.
EasyHeart Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 It's times like these that I'm really glad to be old. . . .
Lucky_One Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 It's times like these that I'm really glad to be old. . . . LOL!! Totally agree!!! I am still trying to understand the entire "friend zone" and "hanging out" and "hooking up"!! Now you have to have a social networking site confirmation as to whether or not you are a couple! OP, if he was logging into the dating site and wasn't changing his status there, I would worry. Since he isn't logging into it, it's a non-issue. As for FB, it won't let me put my H's name in as being my H; it's just not that big of a deal.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Honestly, I think a break is rarely a good thing. I also think that saying anything more about his FB status could come across as needy and controlling, so I would avoid the subject like the plague.
Author zengirl Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 (edited) ETA: I'm also waiting for a "sign" of sorts to be intimate again. I really want to be having sex again with him, but I keep feeling "not ready" --- and the FB status is a big part of that. I feel like if he were announcing to the world that we were back together, I'd be more "ready." Ugh. I told him this about the break when it happened and he wanted to come back --- that they create such feelings of mistrust in people like me. However, everyone basically told me (people who actually KNOW me and that I trust) that I should work on myself to be more trusting anyway. So, I thought it might be a growth opportunity to try again. Had we not spiraled out of control on just a few days and he expressed the idea of breaking up and I ran with it as much as I had. . . I think we'd be fine. But now I guess I just don't know. It's such a struggle for my trust and pride. Honestly, I think a break is rarely a good thing. I also think that saying anything more about his FB status could come across as needy and controlling, so I would avoid the subject like the plague. I am going to think on it a bit more, but at this point, I am thinking I don't really care very much if it comes across as needy/controlling. I think I will say that in order to proceed, I need him to be very clear that we are back together and committed and to tell that fact to the world, loud and clear, because that's important to me in a relationship. And that includes FB statuses, even though they're silly. I don't need him to put my name in there---just take away the "Single" and it's mostly so his friends don't think the breakup still stands. I was very embarrassed when we just happened upon some of his (not close) friends the other day, realizing they may think we're just "hooking up" or something since they saw the breakup on his FB wall but not us getting back together. That's what spurned it. I had a BF who tried to "use" me in that way rather than really commit to me before --- I don't think this one ever would, really --- but it just brought back those feelings of shame. If after I warmly explain that to him, he has some resistance to something as simple as changing a status, or thinks it makes me needy/crazy, I guess I'd rather be broken up than walk on eggshells over my own feelings. And that's something. Generally, I agree that a break is rarely a good thing. In this circumstance, there was a confluence of events -- and he wanted to be back together within a day (it was me that held it off, because I was upset about even discussing a break up, and needed to process) -- that shouldn't have been as big as it was. All the issues have been discussed. I do need to work on better communication with him, so this is an opportunity. Edited March 29, 2011 by zengirl
OliveOyl Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I guess I'm glad to be old too... I don't think you need FB determining whether or not you sleep with your BF. Your relationship is between you and your BF, not you and the rest of the world right now. The rest will come later. First priority, strengthening the relationship between you and your BF. If you care too much what others think, you may end up having nothing for others to think about...
depplover_1980 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 You need to get a grip and fast. I'm very surprised that you would let such a small thing get on top of you, so you're obviously insecure about the reunion. Therefore you need to concentrate on the dates and whether he is making you feel special enough right now.
GivenUp0083 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 So . . . my boyfriend and I had a little tumble and were broken up for a little less than a month. Everything seems mostly fine now. There's just one nagging thing that's bugging me. Now, his FB status still says single and he's still on the dating site (I was on right after the breakup; he didn't come on till a few days before we got back together, and we actually chatted on there -- where we first met -- again before getting back together; he hasn't been back on since we chatted, but it's up and says "Single" whereas I've changed mine to "Seeing Someone" and my FB status to IRL (I never list the person's name). It's a silly thing. He never slept with anyone or dated anyone when we were apart. He says he's committed to me and we're together. But I kind of tried to lightly remind him (mid-date, so he couldn't change it right then) to change that stuff, and he didn't. What now? I feel like if I remind him again, I'm a nag. Besides, he changed it back to Single the very day we broke up (so did I, and I think he saw it in my feed and changed his then --- that's how he changed it to IRL last time too, I changed mine and a few minutes later than that, he changed his). But he changed the dating website on his own last time. I don't know --- it just makes me wonder if all his friends know we're back together and if he's really committed to it. It's like he can totally re-write history and say "No, we were just talking -- we never got back together" but not if he changes these and everybody sees/knows it. Then he at least has to OWN his actions. Is this a bad sign? Or should I just relax a bit and wait for him to remember? Or should I bring it up again? That you KNOW of....
Author zengirl Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 (edited) It's funny, I'm not even insecure about breaking up. I'm insecure about getting into exactly the thing I avoid --- a pseudo-relationship where there is sex but no real commitment. To me, if it's not plain as day in every possible way that he is MINE and I am HIS, then we are not really back together, and I don't feel comfortable sleeping with him, just as I wouldn't with any new guy I'm dating. I guess I'm glad to be old too... I don't think you need FB determining whether or not you sleep with your BF. Your relationship is between you and your BF, not you and the rest of the world right now. The rest will come later. First priority, strengthening the relationship between you and your BF. If you care too much what others think, you may end up having nothing for others to think about... I agree with "The rest will come later" for beginning relationships, but that is the whole problem. We are not together. So if others think we are still broken up, it bothers me. You need to get a grip and fast. I'm very surprised that you would let such a small thing get on top of you, so you're obviously insecure about the reunion. Therefore you need to concentrate on the dates and whether he is making you feel special enough right now. I guess I don't feel special if he isn't telling his friends we're back together. And the easiest way to do that is FB. I feel uncomfortable now any time he suggests doing anything with his friends, like we used to. I feel uncomfortable being too close or having sex. And it really is all about the "public" part. In private, he's better than ever. But for me, the public part of a relationship is very important because I've had guys who seemed loving in private before and then acted like what we had meant nothing later. I don't ever want to be in that situation. If you make a big fuss of your girlfriend in public, you can't just pretend later that it meant nothing. If you change your status on FB, you have to un-change it if something happens. At any rate, I've decided not to make a big thing of it but just to be honest and communicate (something that was a problem before) before I get too worked up. Next time we go out, I will ask him to change it and I will tell him how I felt uncomfortable around his friends with our status being so "up in the air." I have a feeling he will not freak out or get upset, but will just change it if I tell him when we're near a computer and he can do so before he forgets. That you KNOW of.... I know he didn't. We are adults who both practice very safe sex and discussed this early after reuniting. Edited March 29, 2011 by zengirl
depplover_1980 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I think you are perhaps letting the past dictate your emotions on this one a bit too much. I know you cannot help the way you feel as such, but you can certainly assess whether it is a balanced feeling or not. From my perspective, the way a man is with you in private is actually the real important bit and you state that is better than ever. You also need to bear in mind that people progress at different stages. He many be enjoying getting back together, but have his own cautions and reservations, which are simply going to eradicate over time - a different time to you. Not ideal, sure. It means you are going to have to suck it up for the next month, which to me would be reasonable and try get a hold on your weaknesses and focus on the good bits.
depplover_1980 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Zen, I think it's unwise to bring it up again just yet. You're a big girl,to me you've always come across as strong minded and I think you should handle this one alone. You don't want to push him away too soon, which you would stand a risk of doing.
Author zengirl Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 From my perspective, the way a man is with you in private is actually the real important bit and you state that is better than ever. Well, yes, but you and I have different views of sexuality. So that is part of the issue here. I cannot sleep or even emotionally be with him with him unless I feel everyone knows we are together. To me, that is kind of shameful, I guess, and it would be violating my own code. I am still thinking on it, but I would WAY prefer it push him away now (I was unsure whether to get back together anyway, so maybe that would be a good thing if such a thing pushes him away) than to sleep with him, think things are fine, have him change his mind, AND not even have to officially show the world that he backed out again and face up to that. If he didn't update FB statuses for other relationships and for our previous, it would be one thing, but if he truly does not want to now, then we are really not back together and what was he pestering me for? I do think I'm overanalyzing it and he just forgot. But we shall see. I would rather things go wrong now, rather than later is all.
Banker Chick Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I kinda went through something similar. My bf and I broke up for 4 months (we did NC, LC, FWB, etc.) and we defriended each other then. We both went back on the dating site where we met and then eventually decided to get back together. I hid/deleted my profile right away but he kept his up. This was surprising considering of the two of us I got way more attention and he had basically given up on it as being a viable dating option anyway. I mentioned it a couple times and then finally told him something along the lines of I couldn't take us seriously as a couple if he was still on a dating site and it was hurtful. No, he wasn't active on it but come on! He just didn't see it as an issue since he wasn't active ... it was almost as if he had forgotten about it. He finally deleted it. We are still not FB friends and I don't know what his relationship status shows (I hid mine when we broke up & it's remained hidden). However, he's stated he still has pictures of us up (even though I don't) and I'm starting to get the idea some people in his circle never even knew we broke up! I just don't think some stuff like that is important to guys. The FB thing was a problem for me initially because I viewed it as some type of indicator of how much he loved me. Now, it just doesn't matter as I look to other things he does/says (IRL) to gauge his level of commitment. And this is a guy that has since asked me to marry him so I just don't think you can put a whole lot of stock in some of this stuff
daphne Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Well, yes, but you and I have different views of sexuality. So that is part of the issue here. I cannot sleep or even emotionally be with him with him unless I feel everyone knows we are together. To me, that is kind of shameful, I guess, and it would be violating my own code. I am still thinking on it, but I would WAY prefer it push him away now (I was unsure whether to get back together anyway, so maybe that would be a good thing if such a thing pushes him away) than to sleep with him, think things are fine, have him change his mind, AND not even have to officially show the world that he backed out again and face up to that. If he didn't update FB statuses for other relationships and for our previous, it would be one thing, but if he truly does not want to now, then we are really not back together and what was he pestering me for? I do think I'm overanalyzing it and he just forgot. But we shall see. I would rather things go wrong now, rather than later is all. I understand your concern about jumping back into bed with no commitment. But even as uptight of a prude as I can be on occasion, I think you need to step back and not push. I think you're going about it the wrong way. You want to sleep with him now, and instead of being patient and waiting til you feel ready, you want to control his amount of commitment to get there. (at least that's how I perceive it.) Wait til you feel a true green light. Don't try to force things going in the door or you could push him away. And then you'll see the excuse of things going wrong now rather than later as just that. An excuse to be impatient to wait for trust and good feelings to rebuild. You have plenty of time to see what his intentions are. There's a book called Zen and the Art of Falling in Love. It mentions sitting still. I think you should try that.
Author zengirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I kinda went through something similar. My bf and I broke up for 4 months (we did NC, LC, FWB, etc.) and we defriended each other then. We both went back on the dating site where we met and then eventually decided to get back together. I hid/deleted my profile right away but he kept his up. This was surprising considering of the two of us I got way more attention and he had basically given up on it as being a viable dating option anyway. I mentioned it a couple times and then finally told him something along the lines of I couldn't take us seriously as a couple if he was still on a dating site and it was hurtful. No, he wasn't active on it but come on! He just didn't see it as an issue since he wasn't active ... it was almost as if he had forgotten about it. He finally deleted it. We are still not FB friends and I don't know what his relationship status shows (I hid mine when we broke up & it's remained hidden). However, he's stated he still has pictures of us up (even though I don't) and I'm starting to get the idea some people in his circle never even knew we broke up! I just don't think some stuff like that is important to guys. The FB thing was a problem for me initially because I viewed it as some type of indicator of how much he loved me. Now, it just doesn't matter as I look to other things he does/says (IRL) to gauge his level of commitment. And this is a guy that has since asked me to marry him so I just don't think you can put a whole lot of stock in some of this stuff Thanks for your story. I agree I think it's just not important to him. Which is fine, but I will hope he will respect it is important to me --- as far as the dating site goes, I saw friends of mine AND his on that site all the time, so they can see if we're up. I just don't want anyone getting the wrong ideas. I suppose I am very prideful and I would just feel awful if anyone thought we were FWB. I don't do that. (I know others do, and I don't judge them personally, but I don't want to be misunderstood and it's not in my value system.) I want others to take the relationship seriously. Before, everyone did. And they were very shocked when we broke up. And that heartened me, I guess, so I just don't want to be "demoted" in their eyes, I guess.
Author zengirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) I understand your concern about jumping back into bed with no commitment. But even as uptight of a prude as I can be on occasion, I think you need to step back and not push. I think you're going about it the wrong way. You want to sleep with him now, and instead of being patient and waiting til you feel ready, you want to control his amount of commitment to get there. (at least that's how I perceive it.) Wait til you feel a true green light. Don't try to force things going in the door or you could push him away. And then you'll see the excuse of things going wrong now rather than later as just that. An excuse to be impatient to wait for trust and good feelings to rebuild. You have plenty of time to see what his intentions are. There's a book called Zen and the Art of Falling in Love. It mentions sitting still. I think you should try that. I am not trying to "force" so much as assess whether this FB thing is a real issue or just laziness on his part. If he needs more time on it, I want someone else. Honestly. That's how I feel. He was the one who broke it off and wanted to get back together right away. I suggested we took time, and then we did, and he kept at it and wanting to get back together, and I relented. So I want to be together. Or I want out. But I do think he is fully comitted, and if he is, this won't be an issue. I would rather be dating others than him at this point if he's not All In. That is where I am, and it is what I said when I took him back. So I guess I want him to live up to his word (and I will give him a chance to do so --- I'm not angry with him, I hope) or I want to be dating others. Life is too short. BTW--- I think your advice would be dead on IF what I wanted most was to be with this man. I don't think that's what I want most. What I want most is to be in a healthy relationship with someone who is All In. I've expressed that to this guy before, and he says he is, and that it was just a momentary blip, and he wishes he could take it back. I've said my apologies for anything I did to hurt him, and I've tried to forgive him. And I'll give this a go. But if he's not all in, I'm not waiting. Not one second more. Because that wasn't the deal. Edited March 30, 2011 by zengirl
daphne Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I don't know. It seems that you're awfully hard on him for a small thing (at this point.) And honestly, I feel like if it weren't this thing it would be another. Are you really back in it for the right reasons or to straighten him out for leaving the first time? To me, it seems you are allowing yourself to have a knee jerk reaction to ensure you don't let your guard down so he can't do this to you again. But I don't think that'll be helpful in rebuilding intimacy.
Author zengirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) I don't know. It seems that you're awfully hard on him for a small thing (at this point.) And honestly, I feel like if it weren't this thing it would be another. Are you really back in it for the right reasons or to straighten him out for leaving the first time? To me, it seems you are allowing yourself to have a knee jerk reaction to ensure you don't let your guard down so he can't do this to you again. But I don't think that'll be helpful in rebuilding intimacy. You are not entirely wrong. I am fighting very much in terms of letting fear get in the way of it, to be sure. But I don't know why it is being hard on him to say I'm just going to ask him to do it and tell him just because it makes me uncomfortable his/my friends seeing his status as Single. That's all I plan to do. (When I see him, which won't be till the weekend with our schedules this week.) I really don't think it will push him away. However, if it DOES, then, yes, I'm being hard on THAT version of him because it doesn't match up to what he has been telling me, but I do not think that will happen (as some here do) really. If it does, better I learn now, no? If it is a very small thing --- but important to me --- why would it push him away? Only if he doesn't really want to be here. Which, yes, is my fear, but I'd rather confront it than remain afraid and waiting and walking on eggshells to keep him around. ETA: In terms of the reasons we are back, it is because I really think we do work besides from the blip. HOWEVER, it is very hard for me to try again. He knew that it would be for me. I said that many times just in general (when we were first dating even and just swapping policies) about what a breakup does to trust and how getting back together is a bad idea etc etc. He took it back almost immediately, and it took me almost a month to heal enough to try again. I do have a block here. I am trying to heal it both because I like this guy and think he's worth it and because it's always good to face your blocks and fears. However, it is totally possible that even though I think this guy and I could've worked out, I'll break up with him again over sheer inability to ever trust him again. I hope not, but I cannot rule it out. Edited March 30, 2011 by zengirl
daphne Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I think that the fear that paralyzes us in love, keep us from learning the skills to trust ourselves to know the right thing to do when we need to do it. Right now, I see you as a bit of a scared animal, and scared animals do not create stillness and trust in the signifcant other. I guess I've been watching too much Dog Whisperer. Man he's good. Seriously though. I think you set your own pace, your own tone of calm and dignity and then you watch to see how he responds. Being skittish will tend to only bring out the same in him, unless he's a special breed of guy. I think someone needs to write a book on Man Whispering. But I think it would simply involve copious amounts of sex and sandwiches.
tigressA Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 You are not entirely wrong. I am fighting very much in terms of letting fear get in the way of it, to be sure. But I don't know why it is being hard on him to say I'm just going to ask him to do it and tell him just because it makes me uncomfortable his/my friends seeing his status as Single. That's all I plan to do. (When I see him, which won't be till the weekend with our schedules this week.) I really don't think it will push him away. However, if it DOES, then, yes, I'm being hard on THAT version of him because it doesn't match up to what he has been telling me, but I do not think that will happen (as some here do) really. If it does, better I learn now, no? If it is a very small thing --- but important to me --- why would it push him away? Only if he doesn't really want to be here. Which, yes, is my fear, but I'd rather confront it than remain afraid and waiting and walking on eggshells to keep him around. ETA: In terms of the reasons we are back, it is because I really think we do work besides from the blip. HOWEVER, it is very hard for me to try again. He knew that it would be for me. I said that many times just in general (when we were first dating even and just swapping policies) about what a breakup does to trust and how getting back together is a bad idea etc etc. He took it back almost immediately, and it took me almost a month to heal enough to try again. I do have a block here. I am trying to heal it both because I like this guy and think he's worth it and because it's always good to face your blocks and fears. However, it is totally possible that even though I think this guy and I could've worked out, I'll break up with him again over sheer inability to ever trust him again. I hope not, but I cannot rule it out. I think you're definitely doing the right thing, having read the rest of this thread. Your reasons are valid. I would feel the same way. Definitely talk to him again, give your reasons, and what he does after will give you your answer. I hope it works out for you. I can relate to your point that I put in bold. My BF doesn't really care about FB status, deleting dating site profiles, etc--he doesn't think those things are necessary to prove commitment. But they're important to me, and I told him so, so he gave me what I asked of him because he does want to be with me. If he had expressed hesitation then I would've known he didn't really want to be with me, that he wasn't all in.
Author zengirl Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I think that the fear that paralyzes us in love, keep us from learning the skills to trust ourselves to know the right thing to do when we need to do it. Right now, I see you as a bit of a scared animal, and scared animals do not create stillness and trust in the signifcant other. I guess I've been watching too much Dog Whisperer. Man he's good. Seriously though. I think you set your own pace, your own tone of calm and dignity and then you watch to see how he responds. Being skittish will tend to only bring out the same in him, unless he's a special breed of guy. I think someone needs to write a book on Man Whispering. But I think it would simply involve copious amounts of sex and sandwiches. I'm not really a scared animal anymore. I was feeling that way earlier. I feel a LOT better now I've decided what I need to do. I was feeling very trapped when I didn't know what to do -- whether to follow my dating instincts (hold back and see) or my relationship instincts (address what you need). Since I do not believe "dating" can ever resume once you've been in a relationship with someone, I know now which to follow---addressing my needs. I need him to change his status if I approach him calmly and warmly (and I will) or I need him to go away. He can make the choice, and I will 100% accept what he chooses. This is me setting my pace --- asking for him to do this. It is not unreasonable since he says he wants to be back, practically beat down my door to apologize and get me back, and says he's all in. It WOULD be unreasonable to be pissed about it, but as I said, I'm not pissed; I totally get he may have just forgotten/not thought about it. That's why we need to talk about it.
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