Time to give up on this one?

[OhioLaw1987]

I posted this already, but let me put it here as well. its long, I am sorry.

 

 

My story, and my feelings with respect to it, have resulted in some labeling me as "pathetic." However, I have never been one to put all of my stock in what others think about a situation that they are not actively experiencing. Of course, my objectivity is diminished by being "locked" into the situation, perhaps blinded by some of the reality due to the proverbial rose colored glasses. But, nonetheless, I believe that your insights on this forum would be beneficial to me, as you all harbor less bias towards the situation and the persons involved. Thus, I appreciate any and all insights. I will do my best to give a very honest account of what has happened. I appreciate all responses, and honesty, without regard for bluntness, is much appreciated. I continue to hold onto hope and my love for this other person.

 

Here is my story:

 

My ex-girlfriend (we will call her Marie) and I attend law school together. We met during our first year at a bar after the first week of classes. The first time that I saw her, I was incredibly intrigued by her. Up to this point, I had dated a number of women, and had three very serious relationships in my life. There was something different about Marie. She was captivating. She felt the exact same thing, as she immediately approached me. We hit it off immediately. That night, we talked a bit, and that was that. I am always one to slow play it, so I didn't get her number or ask her out. But I was sold on the notion that I wanted to see her again. The following weekend we ran into each other again. This time, I asked her out. This was the beginning of a three week long love affair. At the end of the three weeks, I had number of intense family issues arise. This lead me to be truly unable to be with this person, and we decided to go our separate ways. Shortly there after (several weeks), Marie began seeing another law student casually. After a time, they became a serious item. I did wish that I could be with her all this while. During the next year, we would intermittently talk, but nothing serious. However, the magnetism never went away. Towards the end of the school year, she and her boyfriend ended things. She and I talked a great deal, and she alluded to having interest in my once again. That was about the extent of it. Over the course of the summer, we did speak with a fair amount of frequency. Come August, when we were about to begin our second year, we started to hang out again. The attraction was again instantaneous. We hit it off once again. We began being intimate again (it had been a year since we had at this point). We started to be exclusive after a little while. About 2 months in, she looked at me one night as we were going to bed (we stayed together often at this point) and said "I have realized that I am in love with you, so i have to tell you some things." She told me she was bipolar, and had border line personality disorder. She told me she had been engaged for 6 months while she was doing her undergraduate studies. That she had been raped at the age of 16. I didn't know what to say. It was all so intense. And with respect to loving her, I felt the same, but I wasn't sure if it was too soon. So I waited. She understood. About two weeks later, I told her that I loved her. We then began a much more serious relationship, because she realized that I accepted her for exactly who she was. I promised her I would not give up on her when she dealt with her issues. Our relationship grew, and we spent so much time together. I started to feel smothered, but I knew that she needed me, so I continued to do all that I could for her. As things went on, I morphed into her care taker first, boyfriend second. And I started noticing things that raised questions for me. She would get very angry over very small things. I would always react with patience and serenity, understanding that she couldn't always help it. She would get very flirty when drinking, to a point where I asked her not to drink anymore. She agreed with me. At the same time, we still were having a good relationship as far as emotionally growing together. We laughed all the time, we had fun, we studied together, and we were both generally happy. She began to tell me she loved me more than any person, and that she had never been made to feel so good about herself and so loved. She said I was her soul mate. She told her parents I was the most adoring and loving person she had ever met.

 

But then things changed. Over a break from school, she went home, which is out of the state in which I live and in which we attend law school. While there, we talked often, and things seemed fine. She then went to Italy with her family. while there, she and her sister met two guys in the US Navy stationed in Italy. She told me that they were just neat guys, and it was nothing to worry about. She said the one guy she talked to the most was engaged. So, I didnt worry. Then she came back to her home town. She called to tell me she wanted to go out wth some friends for a friend of her's birthday. Now this friend was a high school ex-boyfriend. I didn't think much of it, because we are both 25 years old, and she dated this guy when she was 17, in high school. I believed it was a non-issue. I did tell her, however, that I didn't think she should drink, given her drinking history. She agreed with me. That evening, she called me at 4AM, incredibly intoxicated, and I could hear a guy in the background. This concerned me. Later in that morning, she called to tell me she needed to talk to me later, and that she believed she had no regard for my feelings, that I was too good for her, and that we needed to take a break. I was baffled, but I knew what had probably happened. And I was right. As it turned out, she had made out with her high school ex while drunk. I was so hurt and upset. I told her not to call me ever again, that she had really broken my trust, and hurt me deeply. It is noteworthy that I never once yelled at her, and I never once used a derogatory term with her (at this point, or at any point in the past). Later that night, I called her. I said, "look Marie, I love you. I have made mistakes that you have forgiven me for. You messed up, royally. But I can forgive you if you promise me that you will work with me on controlling your drinking. I am more upset you allowed yourself to get into that situation." She started crying, and saying that she hated herself for hurting me, as I was so good to her. She said she loved me so much because I obviously cared about her so deeply, and she never wanted to live without that. I believed we were going to get through it and be all right. We talked for the next few days, and things seemed good. We worked out some other problems in our relationship. When we got back to school, things were great. However, about a week after we were back, she was acting strangely. I asked her what was wrong. She said she wanted to grab dinner with her former law school boyfriend. Now, I am friends with this guy. He has a girlfriend. I knew this was not a threatening situation. BUT, I did not feel that this was really appropriate given the circumstances and what had recently transpired. She got really upset, and we got into a fight. I left her place. When I got home, I was on facebook, and noticed on my mini-feed that the guy from Italy had written on her wall. Now, I am not a controlling stalker kind of guy. But I was now on edge about things with her. So I looked at his profile. He was not engaged. He was not in a relationship. He was, in fact, single. I have no idea if anything happened with him, even now. But it was just evidence of a lie. I called Marie, and said I wanted to talk. I went to her house. She said he wanted a break. She told me she had stopped taking her meds for two months, and was feeling out of control. She said she didnt know if she could love me as I needed right now. She said not to worry, and that things would be okay. I said fine. I left. The next day, we got breakfast and things were fine. That night, I went out with some friends. She called me 18 times. I had my phone on silent, so I didnt get the calls. I answered, and she was crying, telling me she knew I was out, and how could I be out so fast after we had broken up. She came and picked me up, and we went to my house. She was very mad at me, saying she didnt know who I was anymore, and that she loved me. I told her I loved her. This back and forth with her went on for about the next month. She was hot, then she was cold. It really began to mess iwth me mentally. Eventually, she told me just to leave her alone entirely. I did my best, but then she would say things to me like "I cannot believe you did X without me. I am really hurt by that." I, of course, would want to explain to her why she shouldn't be, that I was trying to give her space. She would freak out that I tried to talk to her. This went on for a while. Finally, she called me one night and said, "you are painful to be around. " I asked why, and said it was none of my business. She then told me several days later she missed me, but that if I didnt leave her alone, she would end up hating me. I went out several days later, got incredibly drunk, and drunk dialed her. I tried to apologize with an email and a number of texts the next day. She then threatened me with a restraining order. She went to a mutual friend, said that she cared about me, but that I am too emotional, and she never gave she and I a fair chance. She then called me and told me that she loved me, that I was the best guy she had ever known and she was so thankful and lucky to have me in her life. She also said that she was never coming back to me because she didnt believe she and I could have a healthy relationship. She said that I had pushed her away and burned a bridge with her by not giving her space when she first asked for it. i tried to tell her that that was not a fair assessment of what had actually happened, and she just dismissed what I said. She said that if I actually cared about her, I would not talk to her anymore, or even acknowledge her at school. She said she was not going to be with anyone else for a very long time, and that she was in such a dark place that she didn't think anyone could pull her out of it. She said if I contacted her again, she would get a restraining order. She also said that I had no idea what she was feeling, and that it was inappropriate for her to tell me if she had romantic feelings still (despite having told me in the same conversation she loved me).

 

So that is where we are. its been a month with zero contact. I have talked to a therapist about how this has impacted me. I know she never gave us a chance. She seems so content and happy without me, and wont even acknowledge me. As bad as things got, I refuse to believe that we cannot work. She just didnt try. She gave up. She went away for her birthday recently, and I have a feeling she might have turned into a drunk turbo-skank. That is saddening to me, mostly because its so evident that she is not getting better with her own demons. I have left her alone, but I miss her. I love her. I want her to be okay. She is fickle. She is in a bad place. I dont know if it is time for me to just close this chapter of my life, or if I should hold out the hope that one day she realizes, TRULY, what she lost.

 

Insights, thoughts, advice, opinions, similar stories, or questions are much appreciated!

 

OhioLaw.

[OhioLaw1987]

In addition, what COULD I do in order to get a second chance. I want to make this work. I invested too much of myself to just give up.

[Fufu]

Give yourself a chance and not to her, you have done more than enough to her.

 

If she ever realizes you are important to her, she will tell you she wants you back and do actions that is consistent to her words.

 

It is time to let go and move on, whether or not she comes back, it should not affect you greatly.

[DustySaltus]

As a man that was previously engaged to someone who has BPD, I can offer you the following advice:

 

1) If you were to continue things with her, you would have a story like this every year for as long as you are together.

 

2) People with BPD have to constantly portray themselves as the victim. In certain moments they may realize their actions but without extensive therapy, this is usually a fleeting thought.

 

3) People with BPD think of their partners as an energy source to fulfill their needs. Like you said, you were a caretaker first.

 

4) When you realized what she was all about, she ended things. She had been "found out".

 

5) There's a constant amount of push/pull syndrome in a BPD relationship. You give her attention and she pulls away. Ignore her and she'll call you over and over and over again.

 

6) A BPD relationship is all about filling holes. You fill one and another one magically appears. Soon, you're too busy filling holes for them instead of doing things for yourself.

 

7) When she said that you are, "Painful to be around", she was really talking about herself.

 

The fact is that she will probably never genuinely realize the nature of her actions. Why fix her problems when she can move onto someone else? BPD relationships are characterized by extremely unhealthy and unstable relationships. Sure, the relationship can seem so surreal in the beginning because they mirror our actions. This can't be done for long though.

 

bpdfamily.com is a good resource for you, check it out.

 

The main thing is to realize that if she does contact you again, it's more than likely that she is "recycling". In other words, she doesn't have someone for the moment and is looking for someone to fill that gap. Don't let it be you. More importantly, realize that she has a disorder that only she can solve, it has nothing to do with you. Good luck.

Edited March 29, 2011 by DustySaltus

[OhioLaw1987]

Thank you very much for the advice. I realize that she is not well, and that its not my responsibility to "fix" her; I shouldn't want to do that, for her or for me. She goes to therapy (which I often took her to), and takes her meds, but often stops. She has been diagnosed with COPD (and she is 25), yet continues to smoke. She just is a mess. And it pains me to see someone with so much potential, who is such an utterly beautiful human being to spiral like this. She blames me for "pushing her over the edge." I know that isnt true, but its sad to see her honestly believe that, as though she is so detached from reality. I dont want to take a clinical view of her, but at some point, thats all that is left. From what I understand, she is not interested in having a strong romantic bond with anyone currently, which I think is probably a very good thing for her. But she has been spending time with some girlfriends of hers who are very promiscuous, and are entirely unaware of her psychiatric issues. I believe she is out being promiscuous and putting herself in bad situations where she will be used and ultimately hurt. I am worried about her. And it hurts that she can cast me aside this quickly. Is she pushing her feelings for me down, because she cannot handle that she has been so manipulative and hurtful to me, when i was so kind to her? I just am incredibly confused by this.

[Graceful]

I am worried about her. And it hurts that she can cast me aside this quickly. Is she pushing her feelings for me down, because she cannot handle that she has been so manipulative and hurtful to me, when i was so kind to her? I just am incredibly confused by this.

Of course you're confused, you are dealing with someone who is not normal and who does not process her feelings in a normal, healthy way. There is no way you can get inside her head, so you need to stop trying.

 

Bottom line: you cannot treat someone like your ex, or speak to her, or try to reason with her, like you would a "normal" person. It cannot be done. She does not process her feelings like you do, so if you speak to her, try to reason with her, or try to understand her the way you would a normal person, it's futile. Cannot be done.

 

Of course this makes you sad. So be sad. But it can't be your problem. She has to sink or swim on her own. You're not her daddy and heaven forbid you imagine going through life with someone who treats you this way, that is not a life with a partner. It is one thing if you have a life with someone, a long-standing relationship that you have built for many years, and your partner then becomes ill. Of course you stand by that person, with support and love, and even then, it is a life-changer.

 

You have to look at your relationship with your ex as an experience that taught you something, that gave you something, and that brought you happiness at one point, but is no longer right for you. Every relationship is not going to end in sweetness and light or end amicably. Some endings are very painful, but they are endings you need to face. This is one. This one expired and is overdue for you to let go of as of today. Sorry for your pain. Take care.

[OhioLaw1987]

I understand what you all are saying. I know its right. But part of me holds onto the hope that one day, she will come to terms with things, and come back a more complete person. But that is such a specific set of "what if" conditions that its almost entirely improbable. Nonetheless, I still have hope. And I shouldnt. Perhaps I need vindication of some kind? But that is narcissistic on my part. I need to believe that I deserve better than this. I need to know that when she comes back, if she does, that I can say "no, I am sorry. I hope you the best, but I am not doing this again." I was worthless to her; loved for doing, not being who I am. So why do I care?

[Fufu]

At this present situation, she chose to let go, whatever happening in the future, let it come and let it be.

 

Good to hear that you are picking yourself up.

 

Smile and be happy because happiness is in you all the time, don't let it vanish just because someone you love walk out on you.

[OhioLaw1987]

And because she doesnt process things normally, nothing she does should surprise me, should it? While to me it might seem inconceivable that she could just move on and be with other men so quickly, to her, that might seem perfectly normal. She never put me first in anything. Why do I continue to invest in something that I know will also leave me with a loss?

[Fufu]

Nothing she does should surprise you.

 

I adore this sentence you said,

 

"Why do I continue to invest in something that I know will also leave me with a loss?"

 

Take this as a motivational quote for yourself.

[dreamingoftigers]

And because she doesnt process things normally, nothing she does should surprise me, should it? While to me it might seem inconceivable that she could just move on and be with other men so quickly, to her, that might seem perfectly normal. She never put me first in anything. Why do I continue to invest in something that I know will also leave me with a loss?

 

This is called codependency. You are trying to care for someone that has a psychiatric condition that they have to take care of themselves.