lookingforyou Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Every guy I meet seems to be attached, married or eventually end up finding a girlfriend in someone else. To avoid being disappointed and to prevent more heartaches, I should go in believing everyone else is unavailable, right? Why bother?
Mrlonelyone Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I know the feeling. It seems everyone I meet has a SO. The worst is when they talk to you and act interested in a more than friendlike way. Thus raising your hopes...only to reveal that they have a SO. I raised this issue with my father. He told me that some people will be embarassed to admit that they don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend. He told me, something I have said here myself, unless someone says they are married or engaged I should consider them to be an option and possibility. He also said that I should keep my own options open until someone is willing to commit to me in that way too. I know you may be uncomfortable with the advice my father gave me. I know in this day and age people write of "respecting the sanctity of 'relationships'". As if they were equal to marriage since sanctity was once reserved for marriage. What he was telling me was to see such relationships for what they in reality are, temporary. I guess what I am saying is even though no man is available to you now... odds are simply by waiting someones relationship will break up and a man will become available to you. Even without you doing anything. Before you say that's terrible remember that above a certain age, unless you are someones' first love, they needed to break up with someone else in order to be available to you. Like the old saying goes men are like busses. If you miss one another will be along eventually.
Author lookingforyou Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 The worst is when they talk to you and act interested in a more than friendlike way. Thus raising your hopes...only to reveal that they have a SO. This, in particular, is the worst. And I'm tired of experiencing it. I raised this issue with my father. He told me that some people will be embarassed to admit that they don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend. He told me, something I have said here myself, unless someone says they are married or engaged I should consider them to be an option and possibility. He also said that I should keep my own options open until someone is willing to commit to me in that way too. I know you may be uncomfortable with the advice my father gave me. I know in this day and age people write of "respecting the sanctity of 'relationships'". As if they were equal to marriage since sanctity was once reserved for marriage. What he was telling me was to see such relationships for what they in reality are, temporary. I guess what I am saying is even though no man is available to you now... odds are simply by waiting someones relationship will break up and a man will become available to you. Even without you doing anything. Before you say that's terrible remember that above a certain age, unless you are someones' first love, they needed to break up with someone else in order to be available to you. Like the old saying goes men are like busses. If you miss one another will be along eventually. What you said here would require the return of my optimism, which has been shattered to pieces.
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Every guy I meet seems to be attached, married or eventually end up finding a girlfriend in someone else. To avoid being disappointed and to prevent more heartaches, I should go in believing everyone else is unavailable, right? Why bother? The whole "why bother?" attitude will work for about 5 minutes (trust me I tried it). After that it doesn't make one feel any better. You got to just keep trying, as frustrating as that sounds.
Author lookingforyou Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 The whole "why bother?" attitude will work for about 5 minutes (trust me I tried it). After that it doesn't make one feel any better. You got to just keep trying, as frustrating as that sounds. Any luck already?
Mrlonelyone Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 (edited) The whole "why bother?" attitude will work for about 5 minutes (trust me I tried it). After that it doesn't make one feel any better. You got to just keep trying, as frustrating as that sounds. I know. There was a period of about two years where I was willfully and happily celibate. I had no interest in a relationship or really even sex and was just fine with it. Then it's like something clicks and suddenly I can't stop wanting not just sex... but that warm fuzzy relationship feeling in my life again. Now here I am involuntarily celibate and miserable. Even while I can't really complain about anything else in my life. I try to focus on all that is right so as not to be driven mad by what little is wrong. OP you are proof that it's not just something that happens to guys. Edited March 29, 2011 by Mrlonelyone
Author lookingforyou Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 I'm not unhappy with my life. I just hate it when guys "mess" with me. I wouldn't have been so appalled if they hadn't done all the flirting only to reveal after the bait has been taken that they're not available.
carhill Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 OP, I'll expand your original assertion (which I can identify with) to: 'Every guy I meet *and am interested in* seems to be attached, married or eventually end up finding a girlfriend in someone else.' Interest, whether accepting it as a woman or expressing it as a man, is key, and under our control. If you choose to not accept the expressed interest of a man (or express your own to him), you've made a choice. If I choose not to approach a lady (women don't approach me), I've made a choice. Their relationship status, if a heretofore stranger, is unknown. When I was younger, single and available, after many attempts and failures, I did come to assume that every woman I approached was, at minimum, dating someone else. That assumption proved to be overwhelmingly true, even with women who I eventually had LTR's with or married. I won't say it's a fact of life, but it is a undeniable datapoint in my own life experience. After a whole bunch of that 'stuff', time and age have caused me to not care anymore. That part of life is over. Interesting fodder for the young, IMO. Too little life and too many adventures left to be concerned with relationship statuses. Hope things work out for you.
Author lookingforyou Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 OP, I'll expand your original assertion (which I can identify with) to: 'Every guy I meet *and am interested in* seems to be attached, married or eventually end up finding a girlfriend in someone else.' Interest, whether accepting it as a woman or expressing it as a man, is key, and under our control. If you choose to not accept the expressed interest of a man (or express your own to him), you've made a choice. If I choose not to approach a lady (women don't approach me), I've made a choice. Their relationship status, if a heretofore stranger, is unknown. That means I don't care about the guys' status if I'm not interested? Therefore not every guy I meet is unavailable? When I was younger, single and available, after many attempts and failures, I did come to assume that every woman I approached was, at minimum, dating someone else. That assumption proved to be overwhelmingly true, even with women who I eventually had LTR's with or married. I won't say it's a fact of life, but it is a undeniable datapoint in my own life experience. After a whole bunch of that 'stuff', time and age have caused me to not care anymore. That part of life is over. Interesting fodder for the young, IMO. Too little life and too many adventures left to be concerned with relationship statuses. Hope things work out for you. Did the assumption help your relationships or your state of mind at that time?
orangelady Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 The whole "why bother?" attitude will work for about 5 minutes (trust me I tried it). After that it doesn't make one feel any better. You got to just keep trying, as frustrating as that sounds. I couldn't agree more.
somedude81 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Looking, How old are you and the men you are meeting?
Eeyore79 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 The worst is when they talk to you and act interested in a more than friendlike way. Thus raising your hopes...only to reveal that they have a SO. This has happened to me too. I've known guys who were extremely flirtatious, made sexual comments, and then I found out later that they already had a partner. However, if the person isn't married then there's a possibility that they will eventually break up with their partner and be available to you; it might be a long wait though! The best strategy is to look elsewhere, and suspend your interest until your crush becomes available (if he/she ever does). I don't think you should go around assuming that every guy is unavailable though. The majority of guys I meet are unavailable, because I meet them through work or hobbies; i.e. they're at those places for another reason, not for dating. You might get lucky and meet a single guy occasionally, but there's not a huge number of available men in such places. If you want to meet single guys, you need to go where single guys congregate - speed dating, singles bars, etc - or ask friends to introduce you to single men. If you do meet men through work or whatever, be interested but not too interested until you find out their relationship status.
carhill Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 That means I don't care about the guys' status if I'm not interested? Therefore not every guy I meet is unavailable? Sorry, missed this....IDK; only you know your thought processes. For myself, if I wasn't interested, the person's existence, relationship status, etc, didn't matter. Over time, with enough negative experiences, I felt compelled to work on that 'interested' process, a path which led me to date a number of single mothers, a couple of whom I had LTR's with. Had I not 'broadened my horizons', those experiences would never have happened. Outside of phone/online dating, most of the available single women I met were through social events surrounding the volunteer organizations I worked for. This path ensured some symmetry, as we both were interested in the subject matter, as well as a philosophy of giving back, aspects which affect other parts of compatibility. I met my now exW through online dating back when it was 'new' in the late 90's.
curlygirl40 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Sorry I'm going to hijack your thread to tell this funny story from yesterday. I had a guy come to give me an estimate to have a tree taken down in my yard. Good looking guy, about my age (41), never met him before. He was here for 5 minutes. In that 5 minute time, he must have said the words 'my girlfriend', 4 times. It was like he was trying to tell me he was unavailable. And I'm thinking 'Dude, I just want the tree down, how much?'. LOL It cracked me up. But at least I know, he's got a girlfriend. I'll put away the skimpy outfit that I was going to wear for the day he came back to take the tree down. Geesh.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Curly that's what confuses me sometimes. Folks who have a really serious SO usually mention them if you talk to them long enough. Not in a purposeful way... but just because they are such a Significant part of their life. Then there are people who perhaps are really private people... who hardly ever mention their SO at all. (i.e. a situation that appears to have ended I knew this person for MONTHS talked all the time not one peep about a SO until I showed interest. Even when other people discussed relationship issues. )
Eeyore79 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Folks who have a really serious SO usually mention them if you talk to them long enough. Not in a purposeful way... but just because they are such a Significant part of their life. I knew this one guy for about three or four months through a shared hobby, and he was really flirtatious and made some sexual comments about how I was a naughty girl and he loved it, etc. I was attracted to him, but when I asked around nobody seemed to know if he even had a girlfriend, and they had known him for a few years. Then one day I was out walking with my brother, and we bumped into him and his girlfriend out walking their dog! Shortly afterwards he ended a conversation with the words "I'd better hurry home or my partner will kill me", so they obviously lived together and it was fairly serious. Granted he never actually made a move on me, but I still think he was inappropriately flirtatious for an unavailable man, and he certainly misled me.
musemaj11 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 When there is no expectation, there will be no disappointment.
Author lookingforyou Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 When there is no expectation, there will be no disappointment. This isn't a bad idea.
Author lookingforyou Posted April 1, 2011 Author Posted April 1, 2011 I knew this one guy for about three or four months through a shared hobby, and he was really flirtatious and made some sexual comments about how I was a naughty girl and he loved it, etc. I was attracted to him, but when I asked around nobody seemed to know if he even had a girlfriend, and they had known him for a few years. Then one day I was out walking with my brother, and we bumped into him and his girlfriend out walking their dog! Shortly afterwards he ended a conversation with the words "I'd better hurry home or my partner will kill me", so they obviously lived together and it was fairly serious. Granted he never actually made a move on me, but I still think he was inappropriately flirtatious for an unavailable man, and he certainly misled me. What's wrong with these people?!
ChessPieceFace Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Every guy I meet seems to be attached, married or eventually end up finding a girlfriend in someone else. To avoid being disappointed and to prevent more heartaches, I should go in believing everyone else is unavailable, right? Why bother? Uh, LOL. Sounds like you're just having a pity party here, saying these things that are obviously impossible. "No men are single" oh wait, I've been single my whole life. Shot you down, sorry. My best friend has also been single his whole life. Yeah, we don't really get out much or try to find relationships. Most of the dorks I hang out with doing dorky activities are also single. Though a couple of them have had really hot girlfriends, but I could see how they managed to merge their dorky activities into a respectable lifestyle and "vibe." If what you are saying has any credibility at all, maybe you're just somehow hanging around the types of "successful" people that socialize a lot and thus constantly are getting into relationships. Or, maybe you only go after "successful" men who are already taken, and you don't value or notice any other type of man. I don't know. There's single guys everywhere. I'm sure they're all over dating sites. I'm sure most of them wouldn't be compatible with you just like most girls wouldn't be compatible with me, because most everyone is in that boat. Finding someone is hard. I've never managed it but then again I don't try at all. You can sit around whining or you can actually start doing what's necessary to get what you want. If I just looked at all my friends from college and high school and used that as my measuring stick, I would get pretty depressed or maybe think everyone is taken, because most of them are taken. I'm 35, that's life. I was a lot slower to the starting gate, "normal" people socialize and meet SO's and get married in their 20's, oh well. I know there's still a lot of single girls out there, maybe if I make myself into someone I can be proud of, and then actually try, maybe I could eventually find a good one. If I decided it was something I wanted it would be stupid to give up on it.
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