hazy12 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I have been with my partner nearly a year, not living together, but everything was good and saw each other most weekends and occasionally in the week. a couple of months ago he started to pull away from me... everything was good while we were together but he became distant in his communication when we were apart. I asked him if there was anything wrong and he said he didn't know what he wanted, after talking for a while and getting nowhere I suggested we break up. He said he wasn't sure if this was what he wanted, he suggested a break. Long story, short, six weeks later we are having some contact by e-mail, general chat, nothing about our relationship. We said we would meet up but gave no timescales. So far I have mentioned meeting but nothing has been agreed. Should I just give up or try to talk to him more directly. We are both in our forties!
TaraMaiden Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Grab the bull by the horns, ask to meet him for a bite to eat, and then just as he's chomping into his steak 'n' fries - ask him: "So: are we still on a break, are we together, or are we broken up? Because if you still don't know what you want, then I'm giving you until April 10th" (or pick a date 2 weeks from your meal date) "to make your mind up. get back to me on that date and give me your decision. If I don't hear from you, then I'll know it's over. but don't tell me then that you still don't know, because I'm not prepared to put my life on hold for you, and you have no right to expect me to. Think about it." (If you have the guts, that would be a great time to get up and leave, and leave a something-dollar bill on the table [or relevant currency] and walk out.)
PegNosePete Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Ask him who the other woman is. I would bet good money that there is someone else involved, causing his "confusion".
Author hazy12 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Grab the bull by the horns, ask to meet him for a bite to eat, and then just as he's chomping into his steak 'n' fries - ask him: "So: are we still on a break, are we together, or are we broken up? Because if you still don't know what you want, then I'm giving you until April 10th" (or pick a date 2 weeks from your meal date) "to make your mind up. get back to me on that date and give me your decision. If I don't hear from you, then I'll know it's over. but don't tell me then that you still don't know, because I'm not prepared to put my life on hold for you, and you have no right to expect me to. Think about it." (If you have the guts, that would be a great time to get up and leave, and leave a something-dollar bill on the table [or relevant currency] and walk out.) Sounds like a good idea, he admits he finds it hard to talk about his feelings. Though I do too... between us I don't think either of us knows what to do. I am just wondering whether there is more too it, ie another woman.. and he just doesn't know how to tell me. Think I may see if we can agree a time to meet up. I would like to work it out but whatever the end result I would rather do it face to face.
TaraMaiden Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 In this case, let that be the first question you ask him. "Tell me, honestly - and if you have the tiniest grain of respect for me, you WILL be honest - Is there someone else? " If he denies it, go to plan 'B' (my post above). If he confirms it (and good on PegNosePete for seeing that possibility ) just say "Well thanks for telling me. Shame I had to be the one to ask, though". And get up and leave. But - don't leave any contribution for the meal......
PegNosePete Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Yep sounds like a good plan. But don't just go by his answer. Look at his behaviour, body language, tone, nervousness, etc. Cheaters will often lie lie lie unless presented with 100% cast iron proof of their illicit activities - and even then some will carry on lying.
Author hazy12 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Yes, think I need to do this sooner rather than later. It's the not knowing which makes it all so much harder to deal with. He is a very laid back character and I'm not sure whether his body language would give him away if he lied. Hopefully he'll have the decency to be honest about where we are and whether there is any future for us. I'm a very easygoing person myself and he knows I won't make life difficult for him, which is why I'm hoping that the reason that he hasn't yet called it a day is because he does still think we may be able to work it out.
PegNosePete Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Or he's keeping you around as the back-up girl in case his new relationship doesn't work out.
Author hazy12 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 That one had crossed my mind.... but I think it's more about committing to a longer term relationship. I need to sit down and talk to him, although that seems to be easier said than done!
2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Sorry to hear about your predicament. All you can do is ask and say you are not accusing them just asking if there is someone else, there may very well not be or there is something else external on his mind. I had same exact scenario with my ex, she just didn't seem interested anymore and any questions were categorised as confrontations etc, very difficult to get anything out of her. I just walked in the end, it wasn't what I wanted to do but couldn't put up with the communication problems and unsure/blase attitude she had after seeming so keen on me. 2011
Author hazy12 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I think I will end up just walking away, which, for me, the same as you 2011, isn't what I want to do. I am going to try to meet up to talk to him, just anxious about making the phone call to arrange this as I don't want to appear pushy. It's just I need some kind of closure on this so that I can move on if necessary.
Author hazy12 Posted April 25, 2011 Author Posted April 25, 2011 Update.... I called and had the conversation... nobody else but doesn't have enough feelings to take our relationship to another level. Met up 10 days later to give each other things back, very civilised, spent 3 hours just walking and talking, but avoiding the subject of our breakup. He said next time we meet up should do something different... I ignored this and just carried on chatting. When we came to part and get in our cars he said again about meeting up... I told him he didn't need to do this and said I was right about there being a problem as he admitted he didn't have enough feelings for me... no response. I arranged to call him in a couple of weeks to see how things were, called yesterday and have arranged to meet up again to go for a walk. I know this is probably not a good idea as I'm sure he just wants to be friends. Do I tell him my feelings for him are still too strong to be just friends... I will be gutted when he meets someone new.
TaraMaiden Posted April 25, 2011 Posted April 25, 2011 I arranged to call him in a couple of weeks to see how things were, called yesterday and have arranged to meet up again to go for a walk. I know this is probably not a good idea as I'm sure he just wants to be friends. Do I tell him my feelings for him are still too strong to be just friends... I will be gutted when he meets someone new. Excuse the bluntness... This is some dumbazz idea, and really, you should be beating your head against a wall until you draw blood and expose bone, because that's likely to be less painful in the long run... Please - call and cancel. Cancel, Cancel CANCEL, CANCEL - !! Tell him, quite bluntly: "I'm not happy about being friend-zoned, I can't do this. I still have deep feelings for you, and they run too deep to be messed about with. I'll call you when I can face it - but I'm telling you now - don't hold your breath. Please don't contact me any more, I need time alone." Stop doing this to yourself. you're just playing into his hands, and giving him clearance to play yo-yo with your heart. Why would you do this to yourself, exactly?
Recommended Posts