indystar Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Morning/Afternoon/Evening all Apologies for the long story, I tried to cut it down to the barebones of what I would call relevant info! So, me and my ex girlfriend started going out November '06. We were young... I was 18, she 16. First few months were obviously very exciting for us, but a bit of news arrived in April. She was pregnant. As you can imagine we were pretty shocked(!) but she was desperate to have the baby and I truly felt that a future with her was not beyond the realms of possibility. We decide to go ahead with it and stick it out. The pregnancy brought us exceptionally close and it felt as though we had known each other for years. Our son was born in December '07 to our overwhelming happiness For the next year or so, we made up for lost time in terms of our social activities - going out every few weeks for a meal together or with our own groups of friends (when we were lucky enough for our parents to have our little one!) I think it's fair to say things were fantastic in every aspect of our relationship. However, around February/March '09 she started to go out a lot more, on a few occasions not even telling me - leaving me at home with our 15 month old son, not knowing where she was until she came in at 3am. Now of course, I'm not saying that she has to tell me where she is 24/7, but if I'm expecting her back from work that evening, a quick phone call or text would be great... I talked to her about it and she made out I was being controlling. I would state repeatedly that I was just concerned why she didn't feel the need to tell us where she was going. That was the main issue here. It wasn't as if I wouldn't go out with my mates, but I'd tell her in advance so she could make plans around that if she had to. I mean she used to do that too, but the sudden change in her actions confused me. Anyway - after a few weeks, the need for her to go out every weekend wore off and everything was back to the great way it had been before. We focused heavily on our son and also put away time for ourselves. Couldn't have been better. A number of months down the line, October '09, we had another revelation that were expecting our second child. Much different reactions this time as I think we understood that we were forming an extremely strong relationship. We moved into our own house in January '10 and our second son was born in July. We shared the time between our children and spending time with ourselves really well and everything looked rosy - she got a fantastic promotion in her part time work on weekends, and I landed a great full time job in IT Everything was great... until January '11. She started going out literally 3 times a week drinking with her friends. Leaving me at home with the 2 boys quite often. I was pretty tired due to my first full time job, so didn't fancy going out so much. We still went out for meals with each other every now and then, but I didn't feel the need to go out drinking my mates - I would see them enough at football training/matches, etc. During this time, she brought up the conversation of marriage, and even buying a house together as we were currently renting. I was a bit surprised as this didn't match the way she was acting recently, but agreed that it's something we could definitely consider. I suggested we wait until the boys were old enough to remember it. She initially was a bit put off by pushing it back so much, but she emailed me in work with 'July 2014' one day - I didn't know what she was on about, she then replied 'This is when we're getting married '. I was thrilled by this and could see a wonderful future together. Jan 27th, she went down my parents house while I was at a works' night - she talked about marriage and a house to them (as we'd need a bit of help from them!) and they were extremely excited by this and phoned me later that evening to say this. So. January 30th. I received a text from her from work - "We need to talk" and the like. Shocked to say the least. I rang her up as I knew she was on her lunch break at that time. We kind of argued on the phone as I didn't understand where this was coming from. She was very shady and basically, it ended up with me moving out that night. That exact same night, she text someone who I had never heard of - a 28year old, 8 years older than her. To cut a long story short, they were texting for 6 weeks, and it suddenly stopped. She started texting someone DIFFERENT (another 28 year old incidentally) for 2 weeks, and now THEY are going out. What the...? We spoke on relatively good terms (despite me being obviously upset and pretty confused!) for these 8 weeks so this new relationship was a huge surprise to me. Devastated is an understatement if I'm honest, and I'm pretty sure she's aware of that. Can anyone shed some light on her thought processes please? I absolutely adore her and am so confused by her actions recently. Does anyone think we realistically can get back together (whether that be soon or not), and that this could just be a phase, perhaps caused by the social time she 'lost' while she was pregnant? Obviously with our 2 children, NC is impossible. At the moment, we are having them alternate nights which isn't difficult to arrange as we only live 4 miles away from each other. How can I keep contact to an absolute minimum? Seeing as she's in a new relationship already, I would love some suggestions as what to do now. I honestly, truly, love this woman. Her actions of late though are driving me insane - I cannot get my head around them. The three days from the 27th-30th Jan seemed to change her from one end of the spectrum to the other. Doesn't add up in my mind. Sorry again for the essay, and thanks if you've read it all. I appreciate any and all answers and can fill in any gaps(!) if you wish.
TheLoneSock Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Typical. Why is it that people can't let go of one branch until they have a hold of another just in case? So selfish. I am very sorry that you love this girl so much man. But she is treating you like utter sh*t. Truly. This is completely unacceptable behavior and I can't believe for the life of me that you are putting up with it. Please seek personal therapy for yourself, I think it would do wonders for your self esteem and self worth. I don't say that to be snide or because I pity you in any way, I truly think it would help you. In the mean time (even though I know you most likely won't do any of these things) I think you should get your own place, eliminate all thoughts of getting back together with her, and most importantly find a good attorney if you plan on having custody of your boys. The courts are heavily slanted towards the mother so if you're going to act you have to act now if you want to have any control over how you are a part of your boys' lives. GET YOUR OWN PLACE. CUT HER OFF COMPLETELY - FINANCIALLY, EMOTIONALLY, EVERYTHING. FIND AN ATTORNEY, GET CUSTODY, DRAW CHILD SUPPORT FROM HER. Please.
EmperorR Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I think because she was so young when she gr pregnant etc. She feels like she never got to live her life, that's why she went to bars out late. Most young people want to not settle down etc., I wouldn't be shocked if she comes back but would you want her back.
Fufu Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I feel for you, from the way you shared your story with us I can feel that you are a very responsible guy, kudos to you. First and foremost, have you start thinking of are you sure you want to be this woman who can just leave her 2 sons with you and just go out with another man? Whether she is being foolish or not doing sensible actions, you do not deserve such treatment from her.
Mcnulty Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 It does sound like she is trying to regain her freedom, by going out so much. This would always end in her meeting guys. Has she been honest with the guy she is with regards to where she was with you and your relationship? I bet not. She is young and wants to spread her wings, but she should have thought about that before having 2 children...very unfair to your boys and you. If you got back with her, would you be happy? Would you not be looking over your shoulder all the time and waiting subconsciously for the next pattern to form? Very tough situation for you and I hope you're bearing up. Your boys must come first and i would arrange set in stone times when you see them and try to have it, so you have as little contact as possible with your ex when you pick them up. She has hurt you and doesn't seem to be very remorseful...is she worth fighting for?
optimistgirl Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I second what Fufu said. This woman is showing blatant disrespect and sounds very selfish & irresponsible. I'm sure you do love her very much, but it sounds like trying to maintain a relationship with her is going to do you a lot more harm than good. Sounds like she's suffering from the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. The most important thing for you to do is to concentrate on your sons and on yourself. She has a lot of maturing to do. I got married at a young age too, 22yrs old, and we have two girls. Since you have kids with her, you will just have to minimize contact and only talk about things related to the kids. It's going to be stressful for a while. Keep conversations short and sweet. That's what I had to do to distance myself and also to keep my sanity. Also, keeping your distance will help you so you can start building up your self-esteem again. Just remember, you're worth more and you deserve better. The way you're feeling now...it's only temporary!
JusChill Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 (edited) I am shocked....and speechless. No sense of responsibilities as a woman...does she even care about the kids? Since you are her first boyfriend... I assume that she's probably curious of what other guys can offer her. The world we are living in right now, trust me nobody would marry a 20 year old girl with 2 kids. The way I see it, she's just bored of you and want to try something new. Face it, she's still immature. I can bet my life she will get dumped eventually, and come back to you. What will you do? 1- Take her back for the kids, while seeing her face everyday and feeling disgusted while being insecure of her future action. 2- Live on, be a man take responsibilities for your action and find another woman that will cherish you and your kids. Either way, the choice is yours ... you know what is best for you nobody here can tell you what to do. Edited March 29, 2011 by JusChill
Author indystar Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply Just a few more things I'd like to add... - As TheLoneSock suggested, I am looking into getting my own property and that is progressing nicely with a few houses in mind. Financially I do not give her anything. She doesn't ask for it and to be honest, she gets plenty of help from the Government anyway (now has the rent paid for her, whereas before we had to pay 100% of it). That sounds spiteful the way I've put it but I assure you I'm not like that... - She text the first guy for 6 weeks, but they were not in a relationship (as such). She then IMMEDIATELY (literally from one day to the next) switched to another guy, who she is now officially in a relationship with. This is weird, no? If breaking up with me was just to be single, have a think about what she wanted in life, 'have fun', and make up for lost time while pregnant... why get into a relationship? To feel wanted...? To get over the fact she's been acting pretty irresponsibly and just avoid dealing with it directly...? I just don't get it! - Her new boyfriend has also split up recently (a month ago from what I can gather - he was cheated on). I don't quite know which way this could go - could this make it a very short relationship due to the fact she's perhaps got GIGS and he's perhaps on a rebound? Or could this actually make it last longer as they've maybe both got a 'I-need-to-feel-wanted' attitude and therefore willing to try a lot harder to make something work? - What sort of contact would you recommend? She's trying to act SORT-OF normal with me... there's less contact and most conversations are about the children, but occasionally she will just talk about anything. If I act normal back to her, doesn't it just seem that I'm making out her behaviour is/has been acceptable? Like I've said, NC is impossible because of the children but so is LC to be honest. We've got kind of the same circle of friends and the area where we live, there's not that many places around to be social. We're going to bump into each other basically. How do I deal with that, and what do I say/how do I act if she talks to me? Seems stupid that I need to ask that about someone I've been with for 4 years(!). The options I seem to be stuck between are acting relatively happy, as if her leaving me is the best thing that's ever happened to me (without saying those words), or explaining that I only want to talk to her about the children. Are these a bad idea? Any suggestions of how I should act? Thanks again
Thatguyintx Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Like I've said, NC is impossible because of the children but so is LC to be honest. We've got kind of the same circle of friends and the area where we live, there's not that many places around to be social. You may have to reinvent your circle of friends and find places to be where she is not. As little contact as possible is best for you. Think of her as a business partner and the business is raising kids. No more, no less. I feel for you, but you need to start getting some distance so you can really see what is going on between you. She is not good for you, to put it very lightly.
No_hope Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Wow. You seem like a really great guy any girl would die to have! I am almost in a similar thing. Got pregnant very young, and he left me for another girl and abandoned our child. I just want to say, she will soon realize these "men" she chooses to be with aren't going to help her with your kids, and she will be begging you back. have you seen the show teen mom 2? Yeah she did the same thing to a great guy.
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