Friendship evaluation

[pevergreen]

Regarding direction I should take regarding a friendship.

 

I became friends with this girl in year 10, along with two other girls at the same time (I got moved for talking during a class) I ended up going out with one for a few months, the second pops up in other parts of the story, and the third is/was my friend.

 

Some point in our final year of school we reconnected after a bit of not really talking (no common classes or social circles up until this point) and started talking quite a bit. I was happily in a relationship with another girl. Our conversations were mostly about how she was attracted to these idiots guys and she couldn't stop herself becoming attracted to them, and just general chit chat. My relationship went downhill (girlfriend's parents split, lead to her becoming depressed and attempting to overdose on anti-depressants) and she left me. It didn't have any effect on the friendship. (this is late 2008)

 

Having dealt with that relationship messed up my life plans, so I went to work full time, and started gradually becoming close with this friend. A few nights in a row without a conversation was an oddity, and though the conversations lasted for hours, they were conducted via MSN, so actual word count was not as high as a voice conversation would be.

 

I am generally quite reserved and don't like opening up to anyone past a certain point, and continually held myself at that point for the year of 2009.

 

We kept growing closer and closer and eventually a discussion confirmed that we considered each other our 'best friend'. She at the time had multiple female friends she would talk to and see, but not about 'everything'. I, on the other hand, only had her to talk to about anything past work/study problems.

 

A note on our interaction: She is very busy. Full time Uni student, plus a job, plus coaching or being in a netball team, plus 2 singing choirs, and generally one or two other activites. She doesn't have free time, and has a bunch of friends she doesn't talk to often, but can see every so often. I had made it clear that I wanted to see her more often in person, and she agreed. Over 2009, I saw her on one occasion (her 18th birthday), in 2010 I saw her I belive three times.

 

I enjoyed talking to her a lot, it always made me feel better.

 

We reached the point where I was a bouncing board of her ideas, our conversations were all about her (early 2010 she got in a friends with benefits relationship with her bosses son, lost her virginity etc etc) but this was of my design. Whenever the conversation would turn onto me, she would become worried about me, or how i was feeling. My reasoning was that if the topics of conversation did not include me, she would not have cause to worry more than she thought she did.

 

The root cause of the worry was that feb/mar 2010, I finally realised I trusted her and I felt safe talking to her, so I opened up to her.

 

In mid November 2010 I realised that even though I desired the conversations with her, and needed the feeling I got from talking to her, that actually talking to her was causing me more pain. I was unsure of my feelings towards her and I put a hold on the friendship, saying I needed to figure some stuff and myself out, and that I would get back in contact later down the road.

 

Late feb, I gave out details of a conversation I had with her to another person, who then talked to her about it. She came to me and started asking why I revealed it, I managed to calm her down and the argument ended, and we kept talking. We decided to become friends again and only talk about what we were comfortable sharing with each other.

 

I thought I'd be able to deal with it, but it seems to be either nothing at all, or a full openness, which a week or so later, she said she wanted from me. So I started fully opening up. Around two weeks later (one week ago) she has kind of revoked that.

 

So current situation is: Ex best friend has replaced me with a new best friend, we are currently 'friends' with no real idea of how open with each other we are meant to be, she has pulled back from discussing everything, and I currently am only responding to anything she says with one word answers. Unsure of if I am ok with the friendship being less than what it was and if I want it.

 

 

So, bring on opinions! No opinion is too harsh on me or anything.

 

Let me know if you'd like further details about any topic/issue/background.

 

:3

[UpCon3 Guy]

Two words: "Broken Trust".

 

I'd like to believe that anything said between two friends should enjoy the same "client-lawyer privilege" as the regular stuff, especially if it's of a deeply personal nature. This doesn't give either friend the right to go divulging the details of the conversation to anyone else, unless it's of a legal nature and you're being compelled by the court.

 

Once that trust is broken, you'll have to work YEARS to rebuild that trust and even then, it'll be tenuous at best.

 

My advice? Be her friend, but remember that you "fell from the top rung" and are now working your way back up, but you may never be her confidante again.