inamess Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Hia everyone... Will start from the beginning... My friend and her husband seperated last year after she had an affair. I at the same time had been through a horrific relationship which ended at the same time. Fast forward 5 months and me and friends husband who are now seperated found ourselves out together, both in a bad place and we ended up having what I regretted a one night stand. This one night stand has spirraled into a full blown secret relationship, we both fell in love and have kept our relationship a secret. Throughout our time together I have felt disloyal, a horrible person, a liar and I self loath myself. Its an unwritten rule in life that you do not cross. I decided to end the relationship, it broke my heart! he is the kindest most nicest man I have ever had the privelege to meet, I enjoy his company and and could see a future together, but at what cost? I couldn't tell if it was love because of the guilt and other emotions involved. After ending it I asked he didn't contact me for a while. 4 days later I am with the friend who informs me she slept with him. I almost fainted on the floor. I have never in my life felt so hurt, it made the last months of our reltionship absolute *&^%&. I rang him and I have never felt so angry in all my life, it was actually at this point I realised I love him as stupid as it sounds. He said that she had been in contact all week asking for a one night stand?? no strings etc... he said he sat there knowing there could be no chance for us...he said he had never felt so gutted about anything, it was like when we split up it brought back the memories of her and what she had done, but he said that he still doesn't know why he did it. After he said he sat there with his head in his hands all night wanting to ring me and tell me. But instead he let me find out the way I did. He hasn't excused what he has done he accepted responsibility. I kind of get it? mistakes happen? I could be capable of doing it but I didn't? but I keep thinking he must of had feelings for her still?? After the phone call I later heard he had told her he had made a big mistake and that it would always be over between them. I've known him a long time and know he is not a bad person but i keep going over it and over it in my head. One part of me thinks ok we werent together but the other part thinks how could he hurt me like this? Fast forward again, I have now ended the friendship (for lots of reasons way to long to explain) and I have tried to begin the process of forgiving him. We are still in secret, I see him almost everyday it has actually in a weird way brought us closer together. I don't know what advice I want? is this situation to messed up for a future? will I be able to forgive him? How do I know he is telling the truth. He tells me everything I should try to trust him again but now I find myself wanting to know every text he sends and recieves...and hes a way this weekend and before I trusted him so much but now I don't know. I feel this is worth the stress because I love him but I so wish I could go back in time and that hadn't happened with his ex...its made it 100 times worse. I never thought I would be in this situation, I had morals...but now I realise nothing is black and white...and sometimes although you try so hard to stop it you can fall in love with the wrong person. any advice comments will be so appreciated....im in a mess.. many thanks xx
Arrangrl Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Hello there:) I'm new to the site as well, so hello to you. I hope you are OK. I ahave always believed that things will work out, one way or another, in the end. Go with your 'gut' feeling and huge hugs to you x Arran x
TaraMaiden Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 You're not in a mess. he and his ex- separated. you got together with him, but felt needlessy, in my opinion, guilt. you began a relationship. Then _ you ended it. Let me say that again: You ended it. (got it?) He then slept with his ex. Get this: There was nothing wrong with that. He was perfectly entitled to. He knew her, and was in a relationship with her, before he forged a relationship with you. You ended it. He became a free agent, once again, and in a way, his sleeping with his ex was probably a reckless moment to see whether their division had been the right solution, or not. He's assured you he regrets having done it. The idiocy is the secrecy. Why? What are you hiding, and to what end? What's the point? You're in love, trying to build your relationship, and you want to be together. So - why the secret? Can you forgive him? For what? For doing something, probably on impulse, and then apologising for it? While you were broken up, I might add. I think you're confused because you don't realise how insecure you are.... You come across as confused and bewildered, but I think it's because you're unsure about yourself, not the relationship.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 You two aren't boyfriend/girlfriend and yes your feelings were hurt but he didn't ever commit to you. This also seems to have all happened in a short period of time, I think you're in deeper than he is, you let yourself fall for him and for him it was more casual. Being too emotionally attached to him has made you feel this way. Alot of people who are separated, end up having sex again with their ex's.. Maybe he changed his mind and now feels that it was wrong because you and his ex are friends. He is allowed to change his mind, like it or not.
Author inamess Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 hia thanks for your replys.. I probably didn't explain the situation enough.. I was best friends with his ex..our children are best friends and we have a close friend network...and although I know what your saying in regards to why is it a secret...it has to be until the timing is right. He was commited to me and is very much so now...he tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He is very emotionally attatched to me..we have been together almost a year. I admit I have fallen for him but the feelings are mutual. I Am insecure in a way...I was in a terrible domestic violent relationship, he knows bits of what happened due to being part of my life anyway although i have witheld alot of information from him because i find it hard to trust anyway. obviously these are my own issues. We want to be able to tell everyone but feel it would hurt a lot of people. Maybe due to what happened to me previously I am confused and bewildered....one part of me knows that he wasn't with me when he slept with her and yes lots of people sleep with there exs and it probably was an impulse thing but he was only begging me 3 days before not to end it...and I never ended it because I didn't want him I ended it because of the situation. Maybe Im just scared of getting hurt? I have his words and actions towards me. Taramaiden...thank you for your words they have helped so much... thanks again
Jane Deaux Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I totally agree with what TaraMaiden said. She is spot on. You ended things with him. And yes, exes have another go all the time. It happens. I'd say be thankful he did it while you guys were on a break, and be thankful it made him see he doesn't want her. Because you guys could have gotten together and then he could have wondered about her for a long time. Now he won't. There's a lot of emotions that go into splitting up. A lot of doubt, ect. People are ending a friendship as well as a relationship when they split up like that. So it's very confusing emotionally and people mistake missing the person as wanting them back. It happens all the time. Then just one more episode of intimacy can help them realize it's not the intimacy they are missing, or the relationship, but just the person and what was built over a long period of time. It's natural. But I would believe him when he says it's over and he realized he regretted it. If he had not realized that you wouldn't be with him right now. He would have continued the fling with her seeing as you two were split up. All this happened with me and my ex husband and a guy I started seeing shortly after him and I split up. I did something similar. Except I broke up with my boyfriend thinking I wanted to be with my ex. Once I got there, and I mean immediately when I saw him, I realized that No, I did not want him. I wasn't in love, I just missed the friendship we had shared. And the memories of the fun times were confusing me. But I left there as fast as I could and called the boyfriend and told him I was sure then. And I was. I didn't make that mistake again.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Because his ex is a good friend of yours, you two need to tell her the truth eventually and be honest about it. Just be prepared to lose that friendship with her. She is going to feel hurt and feel like you two went behind her back, even though they weren't together anymore, she'll still feel like you betrayed her by going after her ex and him going after you. Plus, you say there are kids too.. That is just going to add to it. This won't be easy, even more so if she is very upset, she won't like you around her kids anymore, being stepmom to them. Eventually if you and her ex do end up together.
TaraMaiden Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I probably didn't explain the situation enough.. I was best friends with his ex..our children are best friends and we have a close friend network...and although I know what your saying in regards to why is it a secret...it has to be until the timing is right. ...We want to be able to tell everyone but feel it would hurt a lot of people. OK, I get it, but you're going to have to bite the bullet sooner or later. Which one of you two sees the greater need for secrecy? Or is it a completely mutually-agreed thing? He was commited to me and is very much so now...he tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He is very emotionally attatched to me..we have been together almost a year. I admit I have fallen for him but the feelings are mutual. This sounds positive.. doesn't it? I Am insecure in a way...I was in a terrible domestic violent relationship, he knows bits of what happened due to being part of my life anyway although i have witheld alot of information from him because i find it hard to trust anyway. obviously these are my own issues..... Maybe due to what happened to me previously I am confused and bewildered...Yes, you're right they are your own issues. But projecting them onto the current situation is counter-productive. Have you had any counselling for this? Don't you think you need to start trusting a bit more? I mean, I take it he is nothing like your abusive ex-.... Your Past is not who you are. your Past can only drag you under if you let It. Many people often use the Past as a crutch, in order to justify current behaviour, but in reality, all it does is prevent you making progress, and healing properly. One part of me knows that he wasn't with me when he slept with her and yes lots of people sleep with there exs and it probably was an impulse thing but he was only begging me 3 days before not to end it...and I never ended it because I didn't want him I ended it because of the situation. I understand that. And I think his reaction was simply reflexive, and impulsive. I'm sure he never intended to hurt you. I think he did it because he felt hurt. Maybe Im just scared of getting hurt? I have his words and actions towards me. In any situation, "Actions Speak Louder than Words." Always, but always. If the way he behaves towards you confirms every desire in your heart, then the words and the actions tally and match up, don't they....? Taramaiden...thank you for your words they have helped so much...Pleasure....
Quiet Storm Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 He was commited to me and is very much so now...he tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Pay attention to his actions, not his words. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. What he did was sleep with his ex and keep it from you. He has a lot motivation to tell you what you want to hear. If you felt that he used you or hurt you, you may decide to tell his wife. He enjoys your company and your willingness to be with him physically, which could prompt him to say romantic things to keep you around. There is often a lot of unfinished business between ex-spouses. If he is the one pushing the secrecy, then I don't think he is serious about his relationship with you. I think he would want to get it all out in the open so you can all move on and he can start spending the rest of his life with you. But he doesn't do that. He sleeps with you and wants it to be a secret, he sleeps with her and doesn't tell you. I think this is a confused and selfish man. With lots of secrets. He probably loves his wife, but was very hurt by her cheating. You could be his "revenge affair". I think you have no right to be upset with him. You have to think of things from his point of view. How do you think he views you? You are supposed to be best friends with his ex. And then you go behind her back and sleep with her husband. She is still confiding in you about her marriage, and you are sneaking and lying to her. Do you think this behavior puts you in a favorable light? Do you think it makes him want to be honest and faithful to you? Your line of thought is probably "My feelings were so strong for him, and that is the only reason why I betrayed my friend." You feel that he should appreciate that you compromised your values, felt guilty, etc, for him. You think that should be proof of your love. But he may not see it that way. He would be hypocritcal to judge you- but many men do. There are many men that will willingly have a romantic affair, divorce thier wife and leave the OW hanging because now they know what OW is capable of. They know that she does not respect marriage or commitment or she would not be an OW. When it comes down to have a real, out in the open relationship, he realizes he wants someone with better values. Someone he can trust. Even though these cheaters know they are scum, they still want a good, non-scummy wife. Who knows? Maybe he really does want you. But what do you want? Do you really want a guy who lies and keeps secrets so easily? Do you really want to be the kind of person capable of doing this to a friend? People feel guilt for a reason. It's there to stop us from doing things we know are wrong. Over time, you can train yourself to become numb to the guilt, you ignore it and push it down. Keep this up, and before you know it you don't feel anything, and are a shell of the person you once were.
ver13 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 INAMESS IMO I think that the you are now a couple issues needs to be taken care of right away ie... Stop hiding it. He was seperated from his EX because of some drama that she caused not him. I know that you are all well involved in each others lifes, kid etc... But your both free agents now so to say and if you want to be together than do it openly as long as you keep hiding your relationship from the world you will never be able to fully commit to your relationship. She CHEATED on him not you and he left her before you guy's started hanging out I say don't hold back run forward.
Flabbergaster Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 But I left there as fast as I could and called the boyfriend and told him I was sure then. And I was. I didn't make that mistake again. That's so romantic! Maybe due to what happened to me previously I am confused and bewildered....one part of me knows that he wasn't with me when he slept with her and yes lots of people sleep with there exs and it probably was an impulse thing but he was only begging me 3 days before not to end it...and I never ended it because I didn't want him I ended it because of the situation. Taramaiden is right. Male perspective might help you with this a little. You're looking at this from female perspective, so you might be seeing (1) he slept with an ex...which you might think is prefering her to you (2) she's a friend...so you might feel she's betraying you...if she knew you were with him (3) you couldn't imagine sleeping with someone right away, you're so busy crying...so you think he could only do this if he was unaffected emotionally. Here's a male interpretation: You broke up with him. If this broke his heart, he's lost and in a daze. He's lonely, hurt, doesn't like it. He thinks of people that would give him emo support...and his ex is at top of list. When i was young, i called an ex when my heart was broke by the girl i had left her for. Because in pain, i thought "who can i talk to that understands me, and cares/cared about me." Well, next is the sex. Men don't like to be in the broken hearted haze, same way women don't like it. A typical male response is "I need to get laid, so my hormones can distract my emotions." His idea, her idea...whichever. It's easy to fall into bed with an ex in this situation, i imagine. If he waited until AFTER you broke up with him to do this...it could suggest that he was REALLY hurt by the breakup. Booty call is a hope to forget the pain, it's not about caring for her. Sitting with his heads in hands afterwards...that's when he realized that it didn't make him forget the hurt, he still missed you. Also, he might be upset because his actions make it harder to reconcile and force him to recognize that it is over. Fun part...it's possible he was pretending it was you, that you hadn't left. been there, done that. distraction helped for a short time...but didn't really make the pain go away. Sure as hell didn't mean I was over her, or that i wasn't still in love with her. The other possibility for a male: he's a player, you weren't around so he called someone else. If this is the case, he's most likely slept with her while going out with you, possibly other women (to prove that he can bed several in short period). Which sounds more like him? Can you ask her if there were other times? That would probably be enough to decide. If he was really soft as a guy, probably he was heartbroken. If he's generally a selfish a**hole who is often mysteriously unavailable, then maybe he's a player. BTW from desciption, I think he's the first type (loves you, was in pain, hoped sex would fix it).
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