Saying 'Hello' at last!

[Arrangrl]

Hi there

 

I have been reading the various threads for the past few months, after stumbling on this web site. I have found some of the advice very useful, so thanks for that!

 

My situation is similiar to a lot of women on here. Met a chap who is married, became involved and now have fallen in love with him and he me. He has been married for 30 years, a long time to walk away from I know.

 

I have not yet felt the need to force him into making a decision, I see him on a daily basis, have never ben told not to txt or call him, so I feel I have a fairly full on relationship with him.

 

So why has he not left? The usual reasons I suppose, fear, extended family, children taking their mother's side etc. I also feel I have to take some responsibility, I am not asking him to leave, so why on earth would he cause all the carnage/heartache that seperation brings, if he doesn't have to...

 

We both are aware that our bubble won't last forever, I understand that we may get caught. I wish I had the courage also to tell him to stay away and get his life sorted and to contact me at that point, to see what the future holds for us..or not. I'm not ready to do that at this point though.

 

So any advice, support, or anything would be most welcome ladies/men.

 

Have a nice day everyone

Arran xxx

[Lucky_One]

So why has he not left? I guess because he doesn't want to and has no reason to do so. He has all that he wants - an intact family, someone to provide him with sex and good feelings, a wife, an intact retirement plan, two families to hang out with on holidays and special occasions, a whole lot of history.

 

A 30 year marriage is an awful lot to give up, and he will have to struggle mightily to recover from it financially (not to mention socially and emotionally). He is looking retirement in the eyes, and having a $1 million dollar nest egg in stocks and annuities and a paid for home is a whole lot different than having a condo with a 15 year mortgage and $450k in the bank.

[Arrangrl]

Hi there

 

Thanks for the reply. He hasn't left, as you quite rightly pointed out- because he doesn't have to. I have to take some responsibility for being so 'accessible' I guess by not giving him an ultimatum. It's suiting me as well though, so that's why I'm not pushing it at this point in time. I do understand that this bubble won't last forever and decisions will have to be made. I feel that he is working through things in his own way and I'm leaving him to do that- without unnecessary pressure from me.

 

He is retired, not so sure the finances would be a contributing factor, but no doubt, it's in there with all other aspects.

 

Arran

[ver13]

Hi there

 

Thanks for the reply. He hasn't left, as you quite rightly pointed out- because he doesn't have to. I have to take some responsibility for being so 'accessible' I guess by not giving him an ultimatum. It's suiting me as well though, so that's why I'm not pushing it at this point in time. I do understand that this bubble won't last forever and decisions will have to be made. I feel that he is working through things in his own way and I'm leaving him to do that- without unnecessary pressure from me.

 

He is retired, not so sure the finances would be a contributing factor, but no doubt, it's in there with all other aspects.

 

Arran

Nor should you ever push it he has to be the one to decide if he's willing to give up 30yrs of life with his W and family for someone else. As long as you are willing to ride this out under the conditions and be willing to face the music when this all comes to light which it may one day then you have what your looking for. IMO if it ever does come out things will never be the same for either of you, 30yrs is quite a while to be in a relationship and his change of venue will leave him without many of the important relationships that he established while he was married. Family and friends can be pretty unforgiving about betrayel when it comes to lone term M.

[BB07]

When reading your opening post, I can't help but be cynical in regards to your mm ever really changing the status quo. 30 years is a long, long time. It's only my opinion but I think that in situations like you've described that having an OW enables mm to keep the status quo longer which you even referred to yourself. From your post it doesn't sound like you are expecting much different than what you've already got? If that is true, will you be OK with that?

 

Do you know if he has had other affairs? What does he say is the reason for his affair with you?

 

Sorry to be debbie downer.

[MorningCoffee]

A close relative of mine walked out on a 35+ year marriage to divorce, start a new single life, and got remarried a couple years later (no affair pre-D as far as I know). So the length of a marriage is not the be-all and end-all predictor of what someone will do. But in that case, the new spouse was a contemporary, known in the long-ago past (had dated in HS).

 

How close to his age are you? I think that is a (but of course not the only) critical factor. Are you significantly younger than he? His last heady breath of youth and beauty as he peers ahead into his sunset?

[Owl]

What long term goal do you have for this relationship?

 

Where do you see it in two years? In five? Ten?

 

If you're satisfied with the way things are right now...and so is he...then why even bother considering the concept of whether or not he might leave and whether or not you're a contributing factor to that.

 

If this is all you want...then there's no need for change.

 

Instead, you should be focusing on a battle plan for when his wife finds out. Not if, but when.

[Arrangrl]

Thanks to everyone for your responses- much appreciate your opinions. I am 8 years younger than he is. I am not pushing things, not because I don't want to have a future with him but I do understand, that he has to come to the decision to leave( if that's the decision he comes to) on his own merits.

 

Yes he has been unfaithful in the past, but never had an affair with anyone. I know he is fearful of the chaos leaving would cause, especially with his children, albeit they are adults now. He feels that that would side with their mother and he would lose contact with them. Also, his and his wife's parents are very strict catholic...... another factor. I guess he is scared of the hurt he would cause.

 

I do love this man and it's very hard to convey a relationship on here by text. I am very scared of getting caught, this would cause irreparable damageto his family, maybe I should be stronger and leave things till he sorts his self out.

 

It's odd, I see him every day, every night, have never been asked not to call txt etc, so from my point of view, I don't feel like an OW. I am just going to carry on until I get to a point that I can't anymore, then it will be time to end it.

 

Maybe I am being delusional, maybe not, time will tell.

 

Arran

Edited March 29, 2011 by Arrangrl

[BB07]

Thanks to everyone for your responses- much appreciate your opinions. I am 8 years younger than he is. I am not pushing things, not because I don't want to have a future with him but I do understand, that he has to come to the decision to leave( if that's the decision he comes to) on his own merits.

 

Yes he has been unfaithful in the past, but never had an affair with anyone. I know he is fearful of the chaos leaving would cause, especially with his children, albeit they are adults now. He feels that that would side with their mother and he would lose contact with them. Also, his and his wife's parents are very strict catholic...... another factor. I guess he is scared of the hurt he would cause.

 

I do love this man and it's very hard to convey a relationship on here by text. I am very scared of getting caught, this would cause irreparable damageto his family, maybe I should be stronger and leave things till he sorts his self out.

 

It's odd, I see him every day, every night, have never been asked not to call txt etc, so from my point of view, I don't feel like an OW. I am just going to carry on until I get to a point that I can't anymore, then it will be time to end it.

 

Maybe I am being delusional, maybe not, time will tell.

 

Arran

 

 

Arran.......from your post I feel like you are going to be hurt very badly and he is going to drag you through the dirt and the mud because it's going to be a lot of back and forth and I'm afraid you are going to put your life on hold waiting for him to do something and it sounds unlikely that he will only want you in a affair setting.

 

Also I didn't understand your comment that he had been unfaithful but not had an affair. Do you mean he has had one night stands?

 

Sometimes these things do turn out and you get the man but often times they do not. The OW's cost can be very, very high to your self respect and sometimes you can lose parts of yourself that you will never get back. Please read more, and above all else, don't fool yourself or settle for less than what you want. Real love should not require infinite amounts of patience or waiting nor should it cause so much pain.

Hugs........

[dreamingoftigers]

Ohhhhhooooohhooo

 

You do not know what you are in for!

 

This will not end happy and not end well. Unless you quietly end it yourself.

 

I find it so odd that so many APs cannot see the cliff that they are hurdling towards at top speed.

 

He wants his marriage unless he has stepped up running towards you. Unless he was on the way out (and no not just saying it) to begin with.

 

All you and the W are doing right now is dividing the spoils, and she doesn't even know yet.

 

My parents were together 33 years when my father started his affair. Although it looked like my mother easily wouldn't be the front-runner in that, his history and circumstance with her quashed that in an instant.

 

You are kidding yourself if you think your 'love' is so special to undo all of that with a magic ultimatum.

 

I know I sound brutal and cynical but people don't like change. Inherently they don't. He would miss his wife, he would miss the little dent in the stove in their home. All of those things that his brain has grown accustomed to over the years would be ripped away if he were to leave with you. As wonderful or attractive as you may be, unless you have something to offer him that is greater then peace in retirement with a woman he has invested 30 years into, you cannot compete.

 

You are fun to him, maybe even a great friend or lover, but you are also a season. You are a distraction and a hobby away from 'real life.'

 

If you were going to be his real life, he would be taking steps to make it so.

 

Probably better to close your hope chest on this one.

[Arrangrl]

Dreaming of Tigers

 

Thanks for your comments, I don't think you are being brutal at all. I don't imagine for one second that our love is so special that he could walk away from 30 years by me giving him an ultimatum. Thats why, as I said, I would NOT pressure him in any way to make a decision. I totally understand that he would miss the general familarity of his home life but at the end of the day, these are only material things are they not??

 

BB07

 

Hiya and yes he has had one night stands in the past, all be it quite some time ago...15 years ago to be more precise.

 

Yes I may be heading for heartache and I have never been involved with a mm before, so this is all new territory to me. I am not sitting around waiting on him though. I have a full life of my own, good friends, good social life too. If I am a distraction or a hobby, time will tell. If I do get hurt then I shall have to deal with it and blame no one but myself for it.

 

Morning coffee

 

It's nice to know there can be happy endings:)

 

As I said everyone thanks for your comments

 

Arran x

[dreamingoftigers]

Date other people, don't keep yourself tied down to someone that is already 'tied down.'

[26pointblue]

Hi there

 

Thanks for the reply. He hasn't left, as you quite rightly pointed out- because he doesn't have to. I have to take some responsibility for being so 'accessible' I guess by not giving him an ultimatum. It's suiting me as well though, so that's why I'm not pushing it at this point in time. I do understand that this bubble won't last forever and decisions will have to be made. I feel that he is working through things in his own way and I'm leaving him to do that- without unnecessary pressure from me.

 

He is retired, not so sure the finances would be a contributing factor, but no doubt, it's in there with all other aspects.

 

Arran

 

Hi arran. I just wanted to say I can relate. This is pretty much where I'm at with my MM -right now- although in the past things have been different. He did leave & I guess it was due to 'pressure' from me in that I didn't ask him to or make him leave but I said I couldn't be with him like this anymore, & I left, but he wanted to be with me so he moved out, but he wasn't really ready to do that or sure & then all craziness broke lose. So I know what you mean about it feeling like a bubble you know can't last but it suits both of you for now & you don't want to rock the boat or change the status quo.

 

My MM feels pressure from both me & his wife, who knows about us & wants him to stop the affair but is staying married to him knowing that it is going on, but not happily, & the 'pressure' he feels from me is just knowing that I view this as a temporary thing & I am going to see what he decides to do & after awhile, honestly a very short while because I need some peace of mine, I am going to put him in my past for good, knowing I've given it all I could give . . . which is what I'm doing right now. I hope my rambling is making some sense, just trying to say I know what you mean although MM & I are at a slightly different spot due to what has gone on in the past. Just today he was saying he knows he needs to make a decision, his wife is upset, & I am ready to move on without him once & for all, & it can't go on like this for much longer. I told him I want him to be happy. I understand where he's at & if he doesn't want to break up his family I will support him in his decision & respect it - I will never ever contact him again. If he wants to be with me I will be here for him & support him because I know it will be very hard for him to go through a divorce [he hasn't been married as long as your MM -- they've been married 18 years but have been together for 20, & they have teenagers].

 

I guess my only advice for you is to own your own decisions & actions, which it seems you are doing. I used to want my MM to do all the heavy lifting & dirty work & now I have realized that if we are to be together there is going to be heavy fall-out -- yes it's hard to leave a long-term marriage & family -- & I am a part of that, how could I not be. And if he isn't ready to do that despite his love for me [i do believe with all my heart he loves me & wants to be with me], then it will be really hard but I will pick up the pieces & move on & find a full-time relationship with someone else who I can actually be with. So that is where I'm at right now & the ball is in MM's court but if he doesn't do something with it then I have to pick it up & run with it. I know I will have to, it is just a matter of time, but pressures are operating so that he has to decide what to do, as I think it should be, but which I understand is very hard.

 

I am here to chat if it helps. I understand where you're at. I wish you well!

[Arrangrl]

Hello Blu

 

Thanks for your nice post- jeez it would appear there are a lot of us in this situation. Many people judge MM who find themselves in the position that our MM are in. I honestly believe that it is possible to love two people at the same time, although the type of love may not be the same, it is still possible.

 

In some ways I am happy that my MM has not left already. He is making totally sure that when and if he ever does end the marriage, he is sure it is what he wants to do. Why would I be annoyed at someone for taking the time to do this?

 

One of my friends had a year long affair with a MM. She said he was the love of her life but he felt he had to do 'the right thing' and stay with his wife and family- his responsibilty he felt. So he stayed and she ended it. He was a broken man- she was heart broken. Around 8 months later she got a call from her mum who said he had been in touch with her to tewll her his wife had died of a heart attack. Long story short, they got back together and have been married for 10 yrs with twin girls. She always said that even though he loved her, he would never have left.

 

I guess what will be will be Blu. Keep your chin up and think positive thoughts as much as you can. I shall do the same

 

Arran x