jay.musicman Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Hello everyone, My first love and relationship of 2 years ended this January and I'm not coping very well. There are lots of people going through far worse but I'm a bit weak when it comes to emotions. It was great for about a year, and then things got shaky at 18 months. We then moved to the same city to study at the same university and things just got terrible. She turned out to be a totally different person to when I first met her. The ending was a mutual decision. During the end of our time together we were arguing over the smallest things. I was very busy with my music and didn't have too much time for her when I arrived here. She was very insecure and paranoid. Her last boyfriend treated her like dirt and cheated on her many times. I was always faithful to her but she became crazy with every girl I was friends with and it was hard work and just embarrassing. I know finishing the relationship was for the best and I know I'll meet someone else (I hope so anyway) but she is now seeing someone I used to be good friends with and I can't stop thinking about it. When I think about us, I only think of the good times we had and it's making me incredibly depressed. When we first split I was fine for about a month and then I became really sad and started to miss her lots. When I saw them together the sadness just multiplied. A big problem is that we arrived in this new city at the same time and briefly lived with each other. So we have the same friends here and go to the same bars and venues, I always see her around. When I do I put on a brave face and make out I'm doing fine but it kills me to see her. The last couple of weeks I've been drinking a lot of alcohol alone which really sucks. I know it's a depressant but I can't handle just chilling sober anymore, my mind just wanders. The thought of them having sex makes me feel so sick and I can't get it out of my head. I'm just a bit gutted that she's seeing someone so early after our split. I've tried talking with my friends but I feel they don't understand. I tried talking to my dad briefly but that was useless, he's ex-military and still has his army brain wired and told me to just man up. This has left me with a very low self-esteem; I even find it difficult to make eye contact with anyone. I've noticed my appetite has increased drastically; I've gained about 1 and a half stone since Jan. I'm sleeping about 3-5 hours a night without alcohol (alcohol gives me a good night’s sleep, i usually sleep for about 10 hours when drunk) and the things I used to love doing don't interest me much anymore. I won't, but I feel like quitting uni, I can barely get any work done, I have no motivation. I need to accept she's not mine anymore, I need to remember how bad our relationship was but it's very difficult... Is this normal? How are you dealing with this? I look forward to your reply’s, Thanks. Jay. x
Fufu Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 First and foremost, it is definitely normal and nothing out of the ordinary to feel the way you are feeling right now. Us dumpees had came to stages where we lose interest in many things, lose our self-esteem and feeling depressed, roller-coaster moods on and off. But the bright side is, all these feelings are the journey to your ultimate healing of your heartbroken. We lose motivations in doing things from time to time due to bad experiences and stuffs. However, the thing is you need to find out HOW can you bring yourself back. Think about the time when you have not meet her, how do you live your life? I believe you were living fine right. When we love our bf or gf, we always hope we can be with them for life and settle down with them and live happily ever after. Sometimes the ugly truth is we may feel this way but they do not feel the same way as we do. Therefore, is it really worth to put our love and efforts to someone who doesn't reciprocate our sincerest feelings to them? It takes time, and it is truly okay to feel depressed but no matter what you have to convince yourself you will have to stand up again and move on. By then, when you look back into this relationship, you will no longer feel angry and sad. You will just smile and say, it's just part of my life.
kingofhearts Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 First and foremost, it is definitely normal and nothing out of the ordinary to feel the way you are feeling right now. Us dumpees had came to stages where we lose interest in many things, lose our self-esteem and feeling depressed, roller-coaster moods on and off. But the bright side is, all these feelings are the journey to your ultimate healing of your heartbroken. We lose motivations in doing things from time to time due to bad experiences and stuffs. However, the thing is you need to find out HOW can you bring yourself back. Think about the time when you have not meet her, how do you live your life? I believe you were living fine right. When we love our bf or gf, we always hope we can be with them for life and settle down with them and live happily ever after. Sometimes the ugly truth is we may feel this way but they do not feel the same way as we do. Therefore, is it really worth to put our love and efforts to someone who doesn't reciprocate our sincerest feelings to them? It takes time, and it is truly okay to feel depressed but no matter what you have to convince yourself you will have to stand up again and move on. By then, when you look back into this relationship, you will no longer feel angry and sad. You will just smile and say, it's just part of my life. Fufu, you're cute. Can I get a date? lol. Na. Just kiddin. I'm still heartbroken. I can't wait to get over it tho. I'd pay to be healed tomorrow. Man...... this sucks.
Fufu Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 kingofhearts: you made my day Don't rush to recovery as this will slow down your true recovery. It sucks to be rejected, dumped, let down, emotionally/physically betrayed. But really, be truly happy we found out their depth of love in us sooner........... than later.
kingofhearts Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 kingofhearts: you made my day Don't rush to recovery as this will slow down your true recovery. It sucks to be rejected, dumped, let down, emotionally/physically betrayed. But really, be truly happy we found out their depth of love in us sooner........... than later. Thanks Fufu. I know. It just really sucks tho..... I feel like I can't breathe every once in a while and someone just pointed out that I lost some weight. JEEEEEZZZZ as if the broken heart wasn't enuff....lol... I'll be fine tho. I need to go back to my workouts and doin me.
Fufu Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 kingofhearts: I'm glad to hear you are doing something to win yourself back When i was feeling very depressed, I watch tons of 48 Hours Mystery and then I had these 2 quotes to myself, one which I learnt from another forum - You will want to be actively chosen, and not settled for and - I will rather be heartbroken than to be killed by my beloved (After watching so many 48 hours mystery episodes, I really will choose to be heartbroken than to be murdered.)
kingofhearts Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 - You will want to be actively chosen, and not settled for Maaaan. Preach on. I like this a lot. and - I will rather be heartbroken than to be killed by my beloved (After watching so many 48 hours mystery episodes, I really will choose to be heartbroken than to be murdered.) LOL. Yeah, I guess it is better than being murdered. That's too funny. That show got you trippin. lol. Thanks for the motivation Fufu. It really helps and you put a smile on my face as well.
Fufu Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 You are most welcome kingofhearts, we are all here for one another. jay.musicman: Sorry to hijack your thread, hope you are feeling better.
Author jay.musicman Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Thankyou for the wise words. I'm feeling extra crappy today.. I found out my old friend (the guy she's seeing now) is taking her to Paris for her birthday. I'm a little angry because that was going to be my plan if I was still with her. I told him that around Christmas too. My question is how do you guys cope? What do you do to feel better? How long will this awful pain last? It's totally killing me... Thanks.
Author jay.musicman Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 Oh great. On Facebook it says they are now "in a realsionship". Why can't I let go?
GaelicSoul Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Hey Man, I know how your feeling. My Ex GF of 2 1/2 years broke up with me in Jan out of the blue. I have not heard from her since, and i have kept to strict NC. Things do get better. You will have ups and downs, and your mind cannot stop racing and wondering how she could do that to you, especially when you were a good guy. Leave her alone, now its time to look after yourself. Start doing things that make you happy e.g music, hanging with friends and talk to your family more. Going to the gym, or getting out in the fesh air for a walk/run/cycle helps alot. Start reading some uplifting material, plenty good articles on the net about how to improve yourself mentally physically. Avoid facebook for a while, you dont need to know whats shes doing. Its not going to help, trust me. Think of it as a long stairs, one step at a time dude. If you think your going to contact her, let us know first. You seem like a good guy, hang in there
Rose T Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Hey Jay, we have all been there so please know that you're not alone. The most important thing you have to do now is stop drinking however. It is a depressant, it is bringing you down. While you think it helps you sleep it is actually a stimulant as well, so you won't be sleeping "well" even though it feels like it knocks you out. If you stop drinking, you'll also shift those couple of pounds you put on. I honestly think this is the most important goal for you at the moment. Until you can take a break from alcohol, you won't be able to get perspective on your relationship. If you can take up running or go to a gym as well, even better. Please believe that NC with alcohol is the biggest gift you can give yourself right now.
Steven T Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 (edited) Hi Jay. I am experiencing a similar situation to yourself. I broke it off with my first love of 2 1/2 years a few days ago. We began to argue alot and when we tried to work things out, we would only end of getting into arguments again a few weeks down the road. Our relationship was perfect and we always got on and never had these arguments, but some things just arnt meant to be, so I ended it. The way I am dealing with my situation is to remind myself why I ended it in the first place. Of course your still going to have feelings for her just as I do for my ex, 2 years is a long time. She was your first love, mine was my first love so it will be very hard to accept shes gone. Just try to accept everything and let it go my friend, if you want your life to be good then it can be. Take it as experience. Somewhere down the line you will have a different girlfriend, maybe a girlfriend who you like even more. Keep your head up, take each day as they come. Try not to dwell on what could have been. If you begin to regret, just remind yourself why you broke it off in the first place. Remember, it's okay to be sad. This song is helping me, it may help you too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udMv4fcX2qA Edited March 31, 2011 by Steven T
Fufu Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 This may be hard to start doing it, however if you want to be happy and walk out of this depressing situation, you have to do it for your own good. STOP finding out what she's doing, delete her from your facebook. Because, it no longer matters to you. The more you find out, the more curious you are, the more curious you are, the more confused you became. Unless you don't mind staying unhappy and confused, you can take as long as you want to find out what she's doing. She has a new bf, so be it. You have a great life ahead, will you want to be happy in your own life? Start doing things that will make yourself happy. You feel you can't let go because you think you cannot let go. I hope you already doing NC, the meaning of NC doesn't mean just you are not contacting her, it also means you don't find out what she is doing, feeling, thinking. You can do it Put your heart and mind into yourself now and start healing yourself.
SummersEve Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 @Jay I think that even though you know the break up was right, when you move somewhere new together, spend a lot of time together and so on, then there is just a big void in your life when that person is taken out. There's no way around some of it, it just hurts. I think it is important to add in whatever makes you feel better, and whatever keeps your mind off it for awhile, whether it's favorite foods, watching movies, or organizing your closet. Also, now would be a good time to mark the end of one thing and the start of a new era by starting something new, whether it's a workout routine or joining some group that interests you or whatever. Maybe it would be a good time to start scouting out some new friends and stay away from her Facebook. It just makes you feel worse when it looks like she's moved ahead and you're stuck behind but really you have no idea how she really feels. Facebook is often full of big show-offy lies anyway. You will start to feel better a little bit at a time. Good luck.
Author jay.musicman Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 It's great to know I'm not alone. Thanks for the advice. I wont drink tonight, we'll see how it goes. I'll keep you all posted with how I'm getting on. Cheers
Author jay.musicman Posted April 2, 2011 Author Posted April 2, 2011 saw them together again today. they looked soooooo happy. I was stupid and I went home and now i'm drinking againnnn. This is soooo annoyingggggg!!!! how many times do i see them together before I totally accept it and am cool with it? this is horrible..
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