Hold fast Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I started seeing a MM 11 months ago,in which time he has left his partner and I mine,though not for each other,we say,though I don't think he would have done iit if he hadn't met me. I am so hurt and confused by his mixed messages to me and the fact we still have to be secret,he says because he doesn't know how his wife will react. He still wears his weding ring,before he left he said he loves me now he doesn't sa it but he says other suff which is confusing like what we'll do when we retire,which is years away or it wouldn't be a problem if I got pregnant. I just don't know where I fit in,I feel used for my company and support while he moved out etc. He knows this upsets me but just says it's going to be slow and he can't make any committment till things are stable with his job and where he lives.I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. I am alone in a small flat and rapidly losing motivation to do anything positive. I'm really struggling. I love him so much and he knows it. What do you think?
Emme Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I think he is still married. What other reasons has he given you that he cannot move forward? When you say left his partner, where does he reside?
Author Hold fast Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 He has a room about ten minutes away.
Silly_Girl Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 HF, is it possible they're having a break from their marriage? As opposed to have ENDED their marriage? Have you asked him why he is wearing his wedding ring? I would ignore ANYTHING he says about long-term future. We can all be wistful. Wow, the wild plans my best friend and I have for our retirement years!! Look at day-to-day. What is tangible in terms of his commitment to you? You've met his family? Friends? Colleagues? Do you go out in the open? What is the next stage in your relationship? It sounds off, HF, that you're feeling this way. Please don't be afraid to speak up for your needs in this situation.
OWoman Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I started seeing a MM 11 months ago,in which time he has left his partner and I mine,though not for each other,we say,though I don't think he would have done iit if he hadn't met me. I am so hurt and confused by his mixed messages to me and the fact we still have to be secret,he says because he doesn't know how his wife will react. He still wears his weding ring,before he left he said he loves me now he doesn't sa it but he says other suff which is confusing like what we'll do when we retire,which is years away or it wouldn't be a problem if I got pregnant. I just don't know where I fit in,I feel used for my company and support while he moved out etc. He knows this upsets me but just says it's going to be slow and he can't make any committment till things are stable with his job and where he lives.I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. I am alone in a small flat and rapidly losing motivation to do anything positive. I'm really struggling. I love him so much and he knows it. What do you think? HF, if you are receiving mixed messages it could well be because he is mixed up and does not himself know what he wants and where he stands. When you say you don't think he would have left had he not met you, that suggests that his M was not as "done" as yours. He is not as far down the line of checking out as you are, so still has some residual feelings, doubts or internal conflicts preventing him just shaking off the dust of his M and moving on, as you seem to have done with much less effort. Which is all good and well - and you can be as understanding of his situation as you want - but you need to consider your own position here. You say you love him very much - but he is not reciprocating and making you secure in knowing he loves you. I'm gathering from this post that that is not OK for you - that you want that security. If he's not able to offer it to you right now, because of his own internal conflicts, is this something you'd be prepared to compromise on? Would you be prepared to be the one carrying the R, fighting for it with little input from him, being there for him in the hope that one day he will be there for you too - or do you need him to be fully an equal in the R, giving you as much as he is getting from you?
Author Hold fast Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Thank you Owoman,your post is very accurate. I guess I am okay being the one doing the most work for now but I don't know what time scale to put on it. He's been out of the home for six months but that seems to be it,no other progress made. He's waiting for his own flat to become free,in the summer,he's been off work ffor a while with stress but has just gone back. I don't know when the point is that I expect more progress. He wasn't happy in his relationship but said he wouldn't leave out of sense of duty. Therefore I was surprised when he left after only five months. He's said he wouldn't have got through without me. I don't know. I know to give him more time just how much and do i tell him?
OWoman Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Thank you Owoman,your post is very accurate. I guess I am okay being the one doing the most work for now but I don't know what time scale to put on it. He's been out of the home for six months but that seems to be it,no other progress made. He's waiting for his own flat to become free,in the summer,he's been off work ffor a while with stress but has just gone back. I don't know when the point is that I expect more progress. He wasn't happy in his relationship but said he wouldn't leave out of sense of duty. Therefore I was surprised when he left after only five months. He's said he wouldn't have got through without me. I don't know. I know to give him more time just how much and do i tell him? How long can you sustain running on empty - or at least, giving out more than you're getting? And - at what point will resentment kick in? Once you hit the resentment point, it's hard to recover a R, because of the festering bubbling unspoken nature of it. I'd suggest having a chat with him telling him how you're feeling - that you're carrying the R, that you're giving a lot more than you feel you're getting back - and tell him you're willing to give him some time but that you can't sustain this indefinitely, and when your reserves run out, you'll be depleted. Putting a time scale on it is hard - you can't predict how you'll be feeling in a week, a month, a year - especially as much of that will depend on his behaviour and how much he invests in the R. But if he realises that his behaviour is having consequences for the R, and for you, he may make more effort to meet you halfway (or at least some of the way) or conversely he may simply not have anything to invest - in which case you'll know where you stand for the longer term. Good luck - I hope he is able to rise to your hopes....
TurboGirl Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Good Advice from OWoman. I would like to add that you can't rush these things. He's still holding onto something there in his past if he is wearing his wedding ring. I do understand your feelings, that would bug me too. You've thrown all in, and he's only there with one foot. He's pretty much told you... it's gonna be slow, and no commitment. Talk with him... but when you have such a talk, you must be prepared to hear something you might not want to hear. Have you considered pulling back just a tad, maybe focus on yourself... your job, your kids, something else in your life, and giving him some room to work through this? Sounds like he just needs more time. My personal experience has been that men can take longer to get over it & get on with things than women.
Brokenlady Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Hf, I've been in a similar situation and Theres much I'd like to say privately, but I see you do not yet have PM privileges. Is there a junk email address I can use to contact you at? Otherwise, please let me know when you get pm ability (after 50 posts I think because you've been a registered user for quite some time).
Author Hold fast Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Thank you,it would be very useful to learn what you have to say. Oi'd really appreciate it. I can't work out how to set up PM so have contacted the administrators to ask if it's possible. Hopefully it will be.
siuys Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I started seeing a MM 11 months ago,in which time he has left his partner and I mine,though not for each other,we say,though I don't think he would have done iit if he hadn't met me. I am so hurt and confused by his mixed messages to me and the fact we still have to be secret,he says because he doesn't know how his wife will react. He still wears his weding ring,before he left he said he loves me now he doesn't sa it but he says other suff which is confusing like what we'll do when we retire,which is years away or it wouldn't be a problem if I got pregnant. I just don't know where I fit in,I feel used for my company and support while he moved out etc. He knows this upsets me but just says it's going to be slow and he can't make any committment till things are stable with his job and where he lives.I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. I am alone in a small flat and rapidly losing motivation to do anything positive. I'm really struggling. I love him so much and he knows it. Holdfast, if my personal experience is anything to go by, this is not looking so fab I am afraid to say. He surely doesn't sound like he's DONE. Be prepared for some flip flopping, hot and cold, ambiguity, doubt etc. The fact that you don't know where you stand is a classic. Because he's unsure, you're unsure. I think I was xMM's catalyst to move out the first time, but after 6 months on his own, he moved back, and is still there. Hang in there. I think it may be time to reconsider the whole situation, and do what is good for you. All the best.
TheLoneSock Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 I've always wondered what peoples' fascination is with mixed messages. I'm of the mind that mixed messages are not mixed at all, in fact they are as clear as it gets. If it's not a sure fire yes, then it's a sure fire no. Pretty simple
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