Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I suppose I meant relatively speaking. Many of the posters here aren't treated with the same dignity,respect and truthfulness when getting broken up with.(Granted im just going on a note he wrote you posted online) I almost envy you, I wish my last partner was this straightforward and clean. I don't feel lucky.
Nexus One Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) I felt sometimes that I wasn't good enough for him. Feel that way even more now. I personally don't think that is the case. Men generally don't think in such terms about their girlfriend. I've yet to meet a guy that broke up with his girlfriend because he thought she wasn't good enough for him. Maybe such men exist, I don't, but I don't think this was the case with your boyfriend. I'm guessing that if a guy genuinely would think a woman would not be good enough for him, then he wouldn't start a relationship with her, let alone move in with her and give up his old apartment. But I'm very hard on myself and right now I just feel like its my fault. I don't think anyone was at fault here. You had no experience with men like him, but only with men that treated you like crap and he had no experience with emotional women. It's not that he wouldn't have been able to love you, it's that he didn't understand you well enough. You know what I think you should do to prevent situations like these in the future? You need to explain things to your boyfriend from every angle and answer all his questions and misunderstandings about what lead you to come to your standpoint. I bet he couldn't even extract your true motives from you in the heat of a verbal fight or in the aftermath of one. Meaning he thinks you have no reasonable motives for saying certain things you say or doing certain things you do. The result is that his mental image of you starts to decay. In short: If something you say or do seems "wrong or mean" to someone and it doesn't make sense to that very person regarding why you say or do it, then you need to start to severely worry. Because it's situations like that when people start to adjust their opinion of you. If that adjustment of their opinion is not justified because they don't know all the variables and all your motives, then you better do everything in your power to make that person understand you're not like that and that you have solid reasons and sound argumentation for the things that you do or say. One day before the break up he was still talking about us living together. And the next thing I know its over. I was staring into the eyes of a stranger and I felt chills up my spine. That correlates perfectly with what I said earlier about him severing his internal connection with you. He became methodical and solution oriented, the solution was to break up. I have been out with my share of rotten men. I'm sorry you had to endure men that treated you like crap. Some women project the faults of their exes onto their new boyfriends though. In such a case I think boyfriends should step up and say: "I'm not your ex(es), the motives he had for doing and saying what he did are not mine." Edited March 30, 2011 by Nexus One
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I personally don't think that is the case. Men generally don't think in such terms about their girlfriend. I've yet to meet a man that broke up with his girlfriend because he thought she wasn't good enough for him. Maybe such men exist, I don't, but I don't think this was the case with your boyfriend. I'm guessing that if a guy genuinely would think a woman would not be good enough for him, then he wouldn't start a relationship with her, let alone move in with her and give up his old apartment. I don't think anyone was at fault here. You had no experience with men like him, but only with men that treated you like crap and he had no experience with emotional women. It's not that he wouldn't have been able to love you, it's that he didn't understand you well enough. You know what I think you should do to prevent situations like these in the future? You need to explain things to your boyfriend from every angle and answer all his questions and misunderstandings about what lead you to come to your standpoint. I bet he couldn't even extract your true motives from you in the heat of a fight or in the aftermath of one. Meaning he thinks you have no reasonable motives for saying certain things you say or doing certain things you do. The result is that his mental image of you starts to decay. In short: If something you say or do seems "wrong or mean" to someone and it doesn't make sense to that very person regarding why you say or do it, then you need to start to severely worry. Because it's situations like that when people start to adjust their opinion of you. If that adjustment of their opinion is not justified because they don't know all the variables and all your motives, then you better do everything in your power to make that person understand you're not like that and that you have solid reasons and sound argumentation for the things that you do or say. That correlates perfectly with what I said earlier about him severing his internal connection with you. He became methodical and solution oriented, the solution was to break up. I'm sorry you had to endure men that treated you like crap. Some women project the faults of their exes onto their new boyfriends though. In such a case I think boyfriends should step up and say: "I'm not your ex(es), the motives he had for doing and saying what he did are not mine." this is a great post. thank you. I really am trying to deal here. I'm really struggling. I really don't think I projected faults from old bfs onto him. I just only knew how to deal certain ways with past men. This bf was so private and a keeper of his feelings. Sometimes it was like pulling teeth. There were times he was mad and I didn't know why cause he never expressed it.
mortensorchid Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I don't think it's very considerate of him to have ended this situation by writing you an email. If he insisted on putting things on paper, he should have hand written the letter. Thanks to technology we are much more cowardly than we used to be. I base that statement on having been dumped twice via email by two people in the past, the first time in 99 when email was fairly new and not as many people had email addresses as they do now. Despite that, I hope that you are both able to move on from this situation. This obviously wasn't meant to be, and it's best to end it now rather than later.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I think people should give this girl a break on her identity. Who cares if she is SarcasticBlonde? It doesn't exactly take a genius to work it out. Obviously, she is in a difficult place and needs advice and support. It is not easy to be moving in with the man you love a week ago only to have the carpet pulled out from under you. As nice as this guy probably is, he was still wrong to go ahead with moving in plans while having major doubts. He sounds like a people-pleaser. I almost cringe when I read his carefully worded e-mails while he is literally stabbing the OP in the heart
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Myself, if I ran this place, I'd ban all reincarnations, sockpuppets, etc.. I believe in authenticity and accountability. YMMV. Same here. @SarcasticBlonde The better one "knows" a poster, the more insightful the advice. For instance, Mme. Chaucer used your past contentious posts as an example of why your view of what constitutes "conflict" could differ from your ex's. This is a valuable insight that could be helpful to you. There seems to be a disconnect and a serious incompatibility. Agreed. There's also a plethora of threads and other posts by SarcasticBlonde/Tryingtounderstand32 which reflect that there were serious problems with this relationship months ago. Relationships don't exist in a vacuum, and neither should advice.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Relationships don't exist in a vacuum, and neither should advice. I'm really not sure why some are so consumed by my thread. I love that you find me so interesting though.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I'm really not sure why some are so consumed by my thread. I love that you find me so interesting though. I always take it as a compliment
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I'm really not sure why some are so consumed by my thread. I love that you find me so interesting though. That was my first post in this thread, and this is my second. Not sure why you find me to be consumed. That said, I am fascinated by folks who can't see the error of their repeated mistakes and cannot see their SO's point of view, only their own.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 That was my first post in this thread, and this is my second. Not sure why you find me to be consumed. That said, I am fascinated by folks who can't see the error of their repeated mistakes and cannot see their SO's point of view, only their own. I was just sayin..
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I think people should give this girl a break on her identity. Who cares if she is SarcasticBlonde? It doesn't exactly take a genius to work it out. Well, for obvious reasons it would not be meaningful to you personally. For others, there are a number of reasons. One of them is that some of us function here in a similar way to how we do in real life - with basic honesty, and we would like the same from others, as in real life. In this case, though, the OP is garnering massive attention for a situation that is not even real. Japanese family including little children in the aftermath of the tragic devastation there (with girlfriend whining, "but what about ME? Shouldn't such a thing be discussed with your girlfriend first?" while his family might be at risk for radiation poisoning at that very moment) is a LOT different than Portuguese family where "something happened" so brothers are about to descend on a couple with no discussion. The fake scenario paints the OP in a rather sympathetic light, while the real one ... not so much. And, the fact that she came here again with a doctored up story really presents her in a poor light. Also, as I posted earlier, Japanese culture is NOTHING like ours here in the US or Western culture in general. The "careful wording" of his email to her seems typical of the extreme courtesy and care ALWAYS used in communication among Japanese people. If the OP was so seriously in love with this person, it would have benefitted her to learn a lot about the culture she was getting involved with as well. Not to mention that much of this was covered ad nauseum in her many threads about the problems with this boyfriend in her prior two (banned) incarnations, not including the special sock puppet she produced to back her up when many posters were taking exception to her behavior in that relationship. So, there is a big history of this poster and this relationship with many of us here on LS. It's disrespectful (and really, really not very smart) for her to try to "fool" us with this silly fake story. All the advice she's getting based on the b.s. details is not even pertinent to what's really going on with her.
zengirl Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I don't think it's very considerate of him to have ended this situation by writing you an email. I think it was already ended (from reading the other thread), but he wanted her to know some additional things to help give her closure. Seems very considerate to me. I think people should give this girl a break on her identity. Who cares if she is SarcasticBlonde? It doesn't exactly take a genius to work it out. The situation she's presented has changed some very important details, so it matters a lot if she's SB. The situation is entirely different than the new one. Or, as Mme. Chaucer puts it: For others, there are a number of reasons. One of them is that some of us function here in a similar way to how we do in real life - with basic honesty, and we would like the same from others, as in real life. In this case, though, the OP is garnering massive attention for a situation that is not even real. Japanese family including little children in the aftermath of the tragic devastation there (with girlfriend whining, "but what about ME? Shouldn't such a thing be discussed with your girlfriend first?" while his family might be at risk for radiation poisoning at that very moment) is a LOT different than Portuguese family where "something happened" so brothers are about to descend on a couple with no discussion. The fake scenario paints the OP in a rather sympathetic light, while the real one ... not so much. With the bolded portion being most important.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 Does this comment from his email mean he only considers me middle ground? I may sound selfish to say that I'm not ready to give up in the search tofind someone whom I can truly share my inspiration and goals in life. I wantto live my life fully and passionately, and to do so I won't settle withsomething in a middle ground. You may think I'm a fool, but I think that how I am.
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Does this comment from his email mean he only considers me middle ground? I may sound selfish to say that I'm not ready to give up in the search tofind someone whom I can truly share my inspiration and goals in life. I wantto live my life fully and passionately, and to do so I won't settle withsomething in a middle ground. You may think I'm a fool, but I think that how I am. He is explicitly telling you that if he stayed in a relationship with you, he'd be settling for much less than what he desires.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 He is explicitly telling you that if he stayed in a relationship with you, he'd be settling for much less than what he desires. Talk about adding insult to injury. What a waste of my tears.
milkmaterial Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Talk about adding insult to injury. What a waste of my tears. u mean what a waste of people here giving heartfelt advise and damn i thought I was crazy.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 u mean what a waste of people here giving heartfelt advise and damn i thought I was crazy. Wth are you talking about? I was referring to what my ex said in the email he sent me. What is it with some of you that enjoy to berate people looking for help? Does it make you feel powerful sitting behind a computer screen downing others?
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 OP, this thread is taking the identical trajectory as your earlier ones as "SarcasticBlonde." Why do you think that is? Can you relate the way your dealings with people here on LS have gone with the way you handled any disputes / discussions with your ex? I bet, if you are honest with yourself even a little bit, you can. Relationships that fail are usually extremely good learning experiences, if they are had by people who are open to learning.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 31, 2011 Posted March 31, 2011 Wth are you talking about? I was referring to what my ex said in the email he sent me. What is it with some of you that enjoy to berate people looking for help? Does it make you feel powerful sitting behind a computer screen downing others? Um ... people are not berating you. You have abused the privileges of posting here by coming back as an alter and feeding the potentially compassionate, helpful folks here a line of BS. Most of us don't like that. I think you've got about all the sympathy you are going to get this time around. If you want to keep at it, why not deal with the real situation and actually listen to what people have to say about it, whether you agree or not. Otherwise, why not give it a rest before you are banned for the 3rd or 4th time.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 31, 2011 Author Posted March 31, 2011 OP, this thread is taking the identical trajectory as your earlier ones as "SarcasticBlonde." Why do you think that is? Can you relate the way your dealings with people here on LS have gone with the way you handled any disputes / discussions with your ex? I bet, if you are honest with yourself even a little bit, you can. Relationships that fail are usually extremely good learning experiences, if they are had by people who are open to learning. My dealings? Really don't understand what you are referring to. I simply stated that I didn't really read into the exes comments as clearly now. I don't know what that has to do with posters. If someone doesn't lik the thread it really is ok. I guess don't read it?
betterdeal Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Lots of defence mechanisms here. There's someone hurting on the inside who is externalising her internal problems, probably as that's the best way she knows how to cope with the pain. What truths do we know? We know you're hurt. We know your relationship broke down. We know your partner had external stressful events to deal with. We know you have not accepted any responsibility for anything at all, whatsoever. We know you threw yourself into the relationship, dropped all boundaries and expected this man to assume responsibility for your internal well being. We also know that you are now throwing up walls, refusing to accept anything getting close to you, not budging an inch when you perceive a threat to your tender interior. We know you like to use sarcasm. We know you have lied about material facts. There are times when lying can be very useful, life preserving in fact. Take a child faced with an abusive, drunken parent - they can lie to that parent and avoid a beating, and in all likelihood the parent will wake up the next day and not remember the lie and so the beating has been avoided. The problem with lies and sarcasm is when they're used habitually. They affect other people and they respond accordingly by calling a liar a liar. When our words are false, what is there left for others to work with, to form a connection to, to understand? How can we offer advice and help to someone how is lying to us? What are you afraid we will say if you tell the truth?
cerridwen Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Lots of defence mechanisms here. There's someone hurting on the inside who is externalising her internal problems, probably as that's the best way she knows how to cope with the pain. What truths do we know? We know you're hurt. We know your relationship broke down. We know your partner had external stressful events to deal with. We know you have not accepted any responsibility for anything at all, whatsoever. We know you threw yourself into the relationship, dropped all boundaries and expected this man to assume responsibility for your internal well being. We also know that you are now throwing up walls, refusing to accept anything getting close to you, not budging an inch when you perceive a threat to your tender interior. We know you like to use sarcasm. We know you have lied about material facts. There are times when lying can be very useful, life preserving in fact. Take a child faced with an abusive, drunken parent - they can lie to that parent and avoid a beating, and in all likelihood the parent will wake up the next day and not remember the lie and so the beating has been avoided. The problem with lies and sarcasm is when they're used habitually. They affect other people and they respond accordingly by calling a liar a liar. When our words are false, what is there left for others to work with, to form a connection to, to understand? How can we offer advice and help to someone how is lying to us? What are you afraid we will say if you tell the truth? Fantastic post, Betterdeal. Resist seeing yourself as the victim whose "precious time" has been wasted, OP. This situation has presented a great opportunity for growth in the realm of honesty.
Star Gazer Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Can you relate the way your dealings with people here on LS have gone with the way you handled any disputes / discussions with your ex? I bet, if you are honest with yourself even a little bit, you can. Relationships that fail are usually extremely good learning experiences, if they are had by people who are open to learning. Bingo! So well put.
Flgirl44 Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Fantastic post, Betterdeal. Resist seeing yourself as the victim whose "precious time" has been wasted, OP. This situation has presented a great opportunity for growth in the realm of honesty. This is great advice that I wish I had taken to heart sooner in my healing process. I healed ten times faster once I stop having a pity party for myself and stopped playing victim. You can indulge for a little while, but too long and you'll be stuck in a rut.
sniffys Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 (edited) **** op. im really annoyed now. u made a fool out of a lot of people. i dont even know if you sincerely want to be "helped", you dont want to tell the truth. stop trying to be smug. btw hope u were lying again when you said you and him got back together. what a waste of a man that'd be. Edited April 6, 2011 by sniffys
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