Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 . He sounds like an awesome man. Maybe StillTryingtoUnderstand, maybe that's why you are taking it so hard that the relationship is no longer, and I understand and am sorry for your heartbreak. Don't hate him though. Just respect him and trust that this was the best decision for both of you. Regardless of if this man is Japanese or Portuguese or of any other country, this man does care for you and has decisively showed it. Guys who don't care usually just disappear or try to rob you or any number of things. This guy did want a future with you, was planning his future with you, but when an emergency came up, it made him realize that the relationship was not going to work like both of ya'll hoped. Yes awesome really describes it. I hate that fact but its true. After dealing with jerks my whole life I thought I found him. I just don't run out of tears.
betterdeal Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 How do I know he didn't love me? Because he never told me he did. He cared but not loved. I wasn't looking at him to "look after me". I don't want to be with a man that isn't "in love" with me. Thats not fair to either one of us. So why did you move in with a man who you knew didn't love you when you don't want to be with a man who isn't "in love" with you? And sure I could have done stuff better. Thats one of the reasons I'm struggling. I don't "like" conflict. The reason we even had conflict was because I spoke out when things were off and he didn't. He was so closed off sometimes. There was this communication barrier. It keeps coming around to this: you know you two were not well suited and you knew these things when they were happening but you choose to move in with him, despite him never saying he loved you and despite him clamming up, both things you say are fundamentals to any relationship you are in. So why did you do it? Find an answer beyond the catch-all, frankly meaningless "because I loved him" and you can learn and do better in the future. I love my parents: doesn't mean I move in with them. And yes, I really truly love them. And yes, we've had our issues. And it's taken me to take control of my own life, to own my own happiness to deal with those issues. This is not about blame. I am trying to get across that you are an active participant and made your own choices. You didn't do anything out of malice, but you are trying to blame him for you two being so different from one another. Might as well blame chalk for not being a fermented dairy product.
carhill Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 For any respondents who believe this OP is the reincarnation of a certain past poster, here is a thread reference: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t261146/ Hopefully, any differences or commonalities can be addressed.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Totally true. StillTryingToUnderstand, he found out through your words and actions that you and he didn't share the same priorities in life. For him, taking care of family, especially after a horrible emergency happens, is a part of his priorities... no question, no discussion, así es (that's how it is.) For you, privacy and discussion are priorities. Ya'll are not compatible. That doesn't mean either one of you is bad. Rather, this experience has enlightened him to note the consequences of acute differences in priorities. Agreed. He sounds like an awesome man. Maybe StillTryingtoUnderstand, maybe that's why you are taking it so hard that the relationship is no longer, and I understand and am sorry for your heartbreak. Don't hate him though. Just respect him and trust that this was the best decision for both of you. Regardless of if this man is Japanese or Portuguese or of any other country, this man does care for you and has decisively showed it. Guys who don't care usually just disappear or try to rob you or any number of things. This guy did want a future with you, was planning his future with you, but when an emergency came up, it made him realize that the relationship was not going to work like both of ya'll hoped. Don't change yourself for a man. Be yourself. I totally agree with your ex-boyfriend that there is someone out there who is better for you, who you do not have to change for or compromise or plead to. When you meet the man that is better for you, you will be glad that your ex didn't take you back and you didn't go through the struggle of being hospitable to his family members but resenting it. There's nothing worse than resenting having to be hospitable. Hospitality is something that should be given freely because YOU want to, not because your loved one is forcing you too or because you feel if you don't, that he will leave you. He is very much a gentleman that he is not forcing you to be hospitable to his family. He is letting you go because he understands that the future would just hold resentment and anger and bitterness on both sides. Ya'll have different priorities, and that's ok. I really do care for family, privacy and discussion are important but they don't come before. It was a bad time and misunderstanding the way it was brought up and responded to. I really feel that if I did it different I wouldn't be here now.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 So why did you move in with a man who you knew didn't love you when you don't want to be with a man who isn't "in love" with you? It keeps coming around to this: you know you two were not well suited and you knew these things when they were happening but you choose to move in with him, despite him never saying he loved you and despite him clamming up, both things you say are fundamentals to any relationship you are in. So why did you do it? Find an answer beyond the catch-all, frankly meaningless "because I loved him" and you can learn and do better in the future. I love my parents: doesn't mean I move in with them. And yes, I really truly love them. And yes, we've had our issues. And it's taken me to take control of my own life, to own my own happiness to deal with those issues. This is not about blame. I am trying to get across that you are an active participant and made your own choices. You didn't do anything out of malice, but you are trying to blame him for you two being so different from one another. Might as well blame chalk for not being a fermented dairy product. I was going through with it because I thought he just needed more time to fall. I really thought that.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 For any respondents who believe this OP is the reincarnation of a certain past poster, here is a thread reference: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t261146/ Hopefully, any differences or commonalities can be addressed. Wow this is really important to some of y'all.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 So why did you move in with a man who you knew didn't love you when you don't want to be with a man who isn't "in love" with you? It keeps coming around to this: you know you two were not well suited and you knew these things when they were happening but you choose to move in with him, despite him never saying he loved you and despite him clamming up, both things you say are fundamentals to any relationship you are in. So why did you do it? Find an answer beyond the catch-all, frankly meaningless "because I loved him" and you can learn and do better in the future. I love my parents: doesn't mean I move in with them. And yes, I really truly love them. And yes, we've had our issues. And it's taken me to take control of my own life, to own my own happiness to deal with those issues. This is not about blame. I am trying to get across that you are an active participant and made your own choices. You didn't do anything out of malice, but you are trying to blame him for you two being so different from one another. Might as well blame chalk for not being a fermented dairy product. I'm really not "blaming" him for being different. I'm upset that he didn't come to realization sooner about not being sure about me. He is the one that asked me to live together.
carhill Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Myself, if I ran this place, I'd ban all reincarnations, sockpuppets, etc.. I believe in authenticity and accountability. YMMV.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Myself, if I ran this place, I'd ban all reincarnations, sockpuppets, etc.. I believe in authenticity and accountability. YMMV. good to know!
DollyGirl12 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 To me it also sounds as if it wasn't that he wasn't in to you. I think he was. But, as he stated, the last several weeks he had found that there were to many disagreements with no resolution. It's one of those things where after one disagreement you try to see a silver lining and move past it, then another disagreement and you may do the same. But it sometimes comes to the point that you just don't feel like you fit. If he had ended things with you after one disagreement without trying to further work on things I would probably have a different opinion of how he felt about you. He doesn't sound like a terrible person to me. It does sound as if the two of you were talking about things, and maybe he just felt there was no happy medium. It may not be the way that you felt, but he did. Unfortunately now you have to accept it and now you have the ability to move forward with your life. He doesn't feel as if he suits you, but he knows that someone will. It's hard to hear those things, I completely understand. But it sounds like he was being as honest as he could, and wasn't giving you a bunch of wishy washy b.s.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 To me it also sounds as if it wasn't that he wasn't in to you. I think he was. But, as he stated, the last several weeks he had found that there were to many disagreements with no resolution. It's one of those things where after one disagreement you try to see a silver lining and move past it, then another disagreement and you may do the same. But it sometimes comes to the point that you just don't feel like you fit. If he had ended things with you after one disagreement without trying to further work on things I would probably have a different opinion of how he felt about you. He doesn't sound like a terrible person to me. It does sound as if the two of you were talking about things, and maybe he just felt there was no happy medium. It may not be the way that you felt, but he did. Unfortunately now you have to accept it and now you have the ability to move forward with your life. He doesn't feel as if he suits you, but he knows that someone will. It's hard to hear those things, I completely understand. But it sounds like he was being as honest as he could, and wasn't giving you a bunch of wishy washy b.s. He "liked" me but he wasn't in love. That is important. Sure maybe our disagreements were too much for him, but in the end not being in love is huge. Disagreements or not. I have known couples who fit fabulously and don't fight, but for one reason or another someone wasn't in love.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 To me it also sounds as if it wasn't that he wasn't in to you. I think he was. But, as he stated, the last several weeks he had found that there were to many disagreements with no resolution. It's one of those things where after one disagreement you try to see a silver lining and move past it, then another disagreement and you may do the same. But it sometimes comes to the point that you just don't feel like you fit. If he had ended things with you after one disagreement without trying to further work on things I would probably have a different opinion of how he felt about you. He doesn't sound like a terrible person to me. It does sound as if the two of you were talking about things, and maybe he just felt there was no happy medium. It may not be the way that you felt, but he did. Unfortunately now you have to accept it and now you have the ability to move forward with your life. He doesn't feel as if he suits you, but he knows that someone will. It's hard to hear those things, I completely understand. But it sounds like he was being as honest as he could, and wasn't giving you a bunch of wishy washy b.s. I felt sometimes that I wasn't good enough for him. Feel that way even more now.
elaina Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 (edited) I really do care for family, privacy and discussion are important but they don't come before. It was a bad time and misunderstanding the way it was brought up and responded to. I really feel that if I did it different I wouldn't be here now. Yeah I understand... misunderstandings do happen. Maybe if you reacted differently... but I don't think "what if" questions help anything. It's ok to be heartbroken over this... it shows you really love him. I do wish he had not decided to break up with you, though I understand why he did, but you are NOT a bad person at all. I didn't think it was bad at all that you wanted to discuss other options for his family members. That's fine... it's just he has a different way of thinking/doing things, and it's true that in the future, this could definitely be a cause of anger and bitterness and resentment later on. Let's say for example that you didn't say anything when he told you about his family members. Let's say then that they came and you were miserable, adjusting to living with this man, a new job, being in a new place, and on top of that, being the hostess and responsible for making your boyfriend's family feel at home. Hospitality is something that is SO much easier when you want them there. It's hard to be genuinely hospitable when you are stressed, afraid that if you don't do what pleases your boyfriend, that he will leave, or do not feel in the position to be hostess at the moment. All these feelings are legit. So, ya'll did avoid a very difficult situation if you had not said anything. Again, NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT. You were true to yourself... you have the right to discuss things with your loved one before decisions that affect you are made. That is not bad at all. Some guys do like to make decisions and do want to be supported in their decisions. They don't want to discuss them. My grandparents were like that... my Papaw would make the decisions, and there was no room for discussion. My Mamaw just follow... they got married when they were both 16 years old, and that was their way of life. They almost made it to their 50th wedding anniversary, but my Mamaw died from cancer right before. However, they did have for the most part a very happy marriage. However, many women do not want to just follow decisions, but rather make decisions with the man in their life, and that is good too, and there are many couples who have a very happy life together as a united team who makes decisions together. Here with you and your ex, ya'll were not united, and I think that's what threw him over the threshold. I do think he cared for you, but like his decision to help his family, his decision to break up with you is not something that he holds up for discussion. Some guys are like that. I do think the best man for you would be one who is willing to discuss things with you and make decisions TOGETHER with you, you know what i mean? Hugs... my heart is breaking for you, but it's going to be all right. I hope your heart heals fast. Bitterness and not forgiving him and hating him though aren't going to help your heart heal. Healing comes through acceptance and deciding to enjoy life and move on. Edited March 29, 2011 by elaina
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Yeah I understand... misunderstandings do happen. Maybe if you reacted differently... but I don't think "what if" questions help anything. It's ok to be heartbroken over this... it shows you really love him. I do wish he had not decided to break up with you, though I understand why he did, but you are NOT a bad person at all. I didn't think it was bad at all that you wanted to discuss other options for his family members. That's fine... it's just he has a different way of thinking/doing things, and it's true that in the future, this could definitely be a cause of anger and bitterness and resentment later on. Let's say for example that you didn't say anything when he told you about his family members. Let's say then that they came and you were miserable, adjusting to living with this man, a new job, being in a new place, and on top of that, being the hostess and responsible for making your boyfriend's family feel at home. Hospitality is something that is SO much easier when you want them there. It's hard to be genuinely hospitable when you are stressed, afraid that if you don't do what pleases your boyfriend, that he will leave, or do not feel in the position to be hostess at the moment. All these feelings are legit. So, ya'll did avoid a very difficult situation if you had not said anything. Again, NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT. You were true to yourself... you have the right to discuss things with your loved one before decisions that affect you are made. That is not bad at all. Some guys do like to make decisions and do want to be supported in their decisions. They don't want to discuss them. My grandparents were like that... my Papaw would make the decisions, and there was no room for discussion. My Mamaw just follow... they got married when they were both 16 years old, and that was their way of life. They almost made it to their 50th wedding anniversary, but my Mamaw died from cancer right before. However, they did have for the most part a very happy marriage. However, many women do not want to just follow decisions, but rather make decisions with the man in their life, and that is good too, and there are many couples who have a very happy life together as a united team who makes decisions together. Here with you and your ex, ya'll were not united, and I think that's what threw him over the threshold. I do think he cared for you, but like his decision to help his family, his decision to break up with you is not something that he holds up for discussion. Some guys are like that. I do think the best man for you would be one who is willing to discuss things with you and make decisions TOGETHER with you, you know what i mean? Hugs... my heart is breaking for you, but it's going to be all right. I hope your heart heals fast. Bitterness and not forgiving him and hating him though aren't going to help your heart heal. Healing comes through acceptance and deciding to enjoy life and move on. This is really touching for me to read. Thank you. You made several valid points and its very eye opening and open minded. Maybe eventually I will see that we weren't a good fit for the reasons you mentioned. And I won't feel somehow "responsible" for our demise or feel that I wasn't "good enough" for him. But I'm very hard on myself and right now I just feel like its my fault.
betterdeal Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I'm really not "blaming" him for being different. I'm upset that he didn't come to realization sooner about not being sure about me. He is the one that asked me to live together. You keep trying to make absolutes and judgments. Herein, and elsewhere, you deign to judge that he didn't love you and conclude he decided to end the relationship because of that. Love isn't a magical external force that manifests itself in someone, although it may feel that way at times. It is an emotion, just like any other. It exists in a certain time and space, grows, diminishes, does all the things that any other emotion does. It is a response to other things - his past, you past, the way you interact, events that happen around you. You may well have felt passion and affection in abundance to begin with, but you also felt anger and confusion and many other emotions. By the time you broke up he felt the benefits of splitting up outweighed the losses. I don't know the man, but I am certain he felt love and many other emotions. You seem to be overly concerned about how loveable you are: if bad things happen it must be because he never loved you is what you write. Not true. If bad things happen, it can be because of billions upon billions of small or big things. If he were here asking advice, I'd suggest he be more expressive and not spend so much effort trying to please the other person at his own expense. You were doing the same thing: promising to change for what? For him? We can only change for our own sake's, not for someone else. If you learn something from this, great. Just get the anger out and move on. You'll thank yourself for it when you're through this.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 You keep trying to make absolutes and judgments. Herein, and elsewhere, you deign to judge that he didn't love you and conclude he decided to end the relationship because of that. By the time you broke up he felt the benefits of splitting up outweighed the losses. I don't know the man, but I am certain he felt love and many other emotions. You seem to be overly concerned about how loveable you are: if bad things happen it must be because he never loved you is what you write. Not true. If bad things happen, it can be because of billions upon billions of small or big things. I think it was both, him feeling we weren't compatible and the absence of being "in love" with me. Call me silly if you want but I think being "in love" makes some people work at it harder. Thats just me.
zengirl Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I think it was both, him feeling we weren't compatible and the absence of being "in love" with me. Call me silly if you want but I think being "in love" makes some people work at it harder. Thats just me. How can you be in love if you aren't compatible? The people who are truly not compatible and think they're in love----to me, that's not love, it's obsession or need or dependence. Maybe I've got idealistic views about love, but I think in order to be in love you need to be compatible, generally not fighting (occasional, of course), feeling positive, happy with each other, etc, FIRST. When you're feeling doubt, it makes it very difficult to feel love. At least that's my experience. So if the compatibility issues caused him doubts, how could he ever fall in love?
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 How can you be in love if you aren't compatible? The people who are truly not compatible and think they're in love----to me, that's not love, it's obsession or need or dependence. Maybe I've got idealistic views about love, but I think in order to be in love you need to be compatible, generally not fighting (occasional, of course), feeling positive, happy with each other, etc, FIRST. When you're feeling doubt, it makes it very difficult to feel love. At least that's my experience. So if the compatibility issues caused him doubts, how could he ever fall in love? Not sure. I just know I'm in love with him. My brain is mush right now so I'm having a hard time coming up with an intelligent answer.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 I feel totally devastated by him calling it quits. One day before the break up he was still talking about us living together. And the next thing I know its over. I was staring into the eyes of a stranger and I felt chills up my spine. In my mind and in the minds of family and friends we were happy, beside our differences. Needless to say I feel emotionally violated and the whole thing seems surreal. I was hoping after reading his email I would feel closure. And I still don't
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Quote: Originally Posted by carhill Myself, if I ran this place, I'd ban all reincarnations, sockpuppets, etc.. I believe in authenticity and accountability. YMMV. Me, too. In fact, is it not against the TOS for a banned user to return in a different incarnation? The "never ending story" aspect of this thread is remarkably similar to the one you linked to, don't you think? As are the characters involved, not to mention the use of language. OP, I think many of us can understand how you feel. Good luck getting past all this.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Me, too. In fact, is it not against the TOS for a banned user to return in a different incarnation? The "never ending story" aspect of this thread is remarkably similar to the one you linked to, don't you think? As are the characters involved, not to mention the use of language. If you feel this way, you don't have to give me advice you know...its ok. "never ending story"? I don't understand why people respond to threads if they have such an obvious distaste for one. Sometimes a reaction is just what people are looking for. Sad.
Flgirl44 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I would be happy I dated someone who had enough compassion and love for me to end things civilly as he did. There are SOOOOO many people on here that were lied to, cheated on, used for sex, flip-flopped on, no answers/dumped abruptly. I'm sorry but this is about the best break-up you could ask for. I understand the horrible timing thing though. My ex decided to break up with me and sleep with another girl during my college graduation. (Still had the extra ticket in my gown thinking/hoping he was coming the whole time.) Things get better with time!
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 I would be happy I dated someone who had enough compassion and love for me to end things civilly as he did. There are SOOOOO many people on here that were lied to, cheated on, used for sex, flip-flopped on, no answers/dumped abruptly. I'm sorry but this is about the best break-up you could ask for. I understand the horrible timing thing though. My ex decided to break up with me and sleep with another girl during my college graduation. (Still had the extra ticket in my gown thinking/hoping he was coming the whole time.) Things get better with time! I don't there is a "best break up". I have been out with my share of rotten men. And I have had relationships that lasted years, this one only lasted months. But it felt much stronger and hopeful..
cerridwen Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 (edited) Wow this is really important to some of y'all. @SarcasticBlonde The better one "knows" a poster, the more insightful the advice. For instance, Mme. Chaucer used your past contentious posts as an example of why your view of what constitutes "conflict" could differ from your ex's. This is a valuable insight that could be helpful to you. There seems to be a disconnect and a serious incompatibility. I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope you're not pregnant. Edited March 29, 2011 by cerridwen
Flgirl44 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I don't there is a "best break up". I have been out with my share of rotten men. And I have had relationships that lasted years, this one only lasted months. But it felt much stronger and hopeful.. I suppose I meant relatively speaking. Many of the posters here aren't treated with the same dignity,respect and truthfulness when getting broken up with.(Granted im just going on a note he wrote you posted online) I almost envy you, I wish my last partner was this straightforward and clean.
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