betterdeal Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 So you're lucky to be out of this relationship after only 7 months if that's the case.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 And maybe he thought he loved you, or loved you in the past and was hoping that the love would return. He DIDN'T let it go on too long - you ONLY dated 7 months!!! I know and not long enough to live together. Lesson learned with that. He let the move in idea last too long is what I meant. We decided this over 1 month ago.
betterdeal Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 You don't feel you were party to the move in decision? I mean, despite having truly fundamental incompatibilities with the guy, you did still move in, but you see him as having let that happen whereas you appear to not have let it happen - it just happened to you?
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 You don't feel you were party to the move in decision? I mean, despite having truly fundamental incompatibilities with the guy, you did still move in, but you see him as having let that happen whereas you appear to not have let it happen - it just happened to you? Like I said I loved him and the positive outweighed the negative. I wasn't going to break it off, because of these reasons. I guess I'm different and I didn't see the issue big enough to walk away. I think everyone has things that are opposite of their partner. No one is exactly alike. I think love can get some people through the negatives, others feel differently and that's fine. His timing sucks. He had a responsibility to me and himself to stop this sooner. I know some will say he did stop it soon but not soon enough to where we are both in a pickle.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 His timing sucks. He had a responsibility to me and himself to stop this sooner. I know some will say he did stop it soon but not soon enough to where we are both in a pickle. Yeah. That pesky earthquake, tsunami and radiation disaster. How could he let that affect him.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 And maybe he thought he loved you, or loved you in the past and was hoping that the love would return. He DIDN'T let it go on too long - you ONLY dated 7 months!!! He didn't love me. But what he said is what I needed to hear to move on into acceptance. Now I'm just angry.
sniffys Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Totally with Mme. on this. Also: If you are Sarcastic Blonde, a sister and her young children from Japan is very different from two grown brothers from Portugal. You just cannot compare the two. If some guy just randomly wanted his two grown brothers from Portugal to move in with me and him, I'd definitely raise an eyebrow or two, much more than if a guy wanted his sister to move in so that she and his two nieces/nephews could escape the effects of harmful radiation after a massive disaster. Not to mention that the two cultures are very different, and he was (if you are SB) the eldest son. In Japan, if you are the eldest son, and you have sisters, you are like a 2nd father. This is not true in Portugal. I have been to both places. If you're not SB and this guy is really a Portuguese guy who just wanted his brothers to move in and broke up with you when you protested and said "Check with me first" (I find this unlikely or he's a real douche --- something else happened or he's a jerk, basically), then you're better off. If you are SB, I agree that it's a fundamental incompatibility, you both did some things wrong, and the relationship was just never going to work. zen why raise an eyebrow at all? if my bfs family had a problem they can live at my house or even my parents house for as long as they want. moving in (something ive never done yet) seems to me as a prerequisite to marriage, so he was probably expecting her to treat these guys as relatives already..but alas. i cant fathom the thought that anyone would turn them away when they need help the most.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Yeah. That pesky earthquake, tsunami and radiation disaster. How could he let that affect him. If you don't like the post or me, its ok.
betterdeal Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Like I said I loved him and the positive outweighed the negative. I wasn't going to break it off, because of these reasons. It cannot be a fundamental incompatibility and yet something you'd put up with. I guess I'm different and I didn't see the issue big enough to walk away. I think everyone has things that are opposite of their partner. No one is exactly alike. Indeed, and in your case, he appears to find fundamental incompatibilities to be fundamental, deal-breakers, things he cannot live with, whereas you don't. I think love can get some people through the negatives, others feel differently and that's fine. It got him through enough of the negatives to spend time, money and emotions moving in with you, for instance. Or did he do that for fun? His timing sucks. He had a responsibility to me and himself to stop this sooner. So did you. I know some will say he did stop it soon but not soon enough to where we are both in a pickle. So, lesson learnt: putting all responsibility for the relationship on the other person seems to not work.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 He didn't love me. But what he said is what I needed to hear to move on into acceptance. Now I'm just angry. What were you fighting about so much that led to this breakup?
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 I appreciate any and all advice. But the accusations or negativity are not needed. Its counter productive in why I'm here so I would appreciate it if we all remained civil. Thanks.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 It cannot be a fundamental incompatibility and yet something you'd put up with. Indeed, and in your case, he appears to find fundamental incompatibilities to be fundamental, deal-breakers, things he cannot live with, whereas you don't. It got him through enough of the negatives to spend time, money and emotions moving in with you, for instance. Or did he do that for fun? So did you. So, lesson learnt: putting all responsibility for the relationship on the other person seems to not work. I'm sure it wasn't for fun. But he wasn't honest with me about his doubts. He let things fester. I'm not a mind reader I couldn't only go off of what he told or showed me. I'm not putting all responsibility on him, I'm far from perfect but I'm just saying that I loved him and wasn't going to back out of something I believed in. I didn't have doubts.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 What were you fighting about so much that led to this breakup? I actually didn't think we were "fighting" alot at all. But guess he did. He saw things much bigger than I did. While I thought we had disagreements over the last 7 months, he took it much more serious. For me it wasn't something to end things over but I loved him. While he was not in love so it wasn't worth the risk.
sniffys Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 @sarcastic ..i read ur posts before and i even commented on them, altho i was slightly mystified about your guy (seems rare). i think he loved you, but you wanted more than what he could give and also it seemed you were not willing to give enough. he loved u but not in the way u wanted to be loved. there is a lesson to be learned here, and i myself am on a learning phase and this thread has made me learn quite a bit. i'd like to add, was very close to my friend who recently got a job at boeing as an engineer. we spent time together talking and stuff before he got hired..talked like every day. when he got hired...he just disappeared but i know hes just a phone call away. the job is most probably relentless.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 I'm sure it wasn't for fun. But he wasn't honest with me about his doubts. He let things fester. I'm not a mind reader I couldn't only go off of what he told or showed me. I'm not putting all responsibility on him, I'm far from perfect but I'm just saying that I loved him and wasn't going to back out of something I believed in. I didn't have doubts. darn typos...should say "could only go off of what he told me
utterer of lies Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I'm sure it wasn't for fun. But he wasn't honest with me about his doubts. He let things fester. I'm not a mind reader I couldn't only go off of what he told or showed me. I'm not putting all responsibility on him, I'm far from perfect but I'm just saying that I loved him and wasn't going to back out of something I believed in. I didn't have doubts. Doubts are usually not a reason to break something off. They may be, but usually it takes some time, and the doubts either become a certainty that it won't work or they seem unimportant because you are happy together. No matter how much you try to make him a bad guy, he doesn't seem to be. His fault, that he doesn't want to spend his life with you, is not something you should blame him for.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 i'd like to add, was very close to my friend who recently got a job at boeing as an engineer. we spent time together talking and stuff before he got hired..talked like every day. when he got hired...he just disappeared but i know hes just a phone call away. the job is most probably relentless. I appreciate the feedback but what how does the top paragraph relate to my situation?
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Doubts are usually not a reason to break something off. They may be, but usually it takes some time, and the doubts either become a certainty that it won't work or they seem unimportant because you are happy together. No matter how much you try to make him a bad guy, he doesn't seem to be. His fault, that he doesn't want to spend his life with you, is not something you should blame him for. I didn't say he was a "bad" guy. Just feel he led me on when he didn't feel the same. He knew I loved him.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 I really hoped that once he told me what I needed to hear I would feel better about things. But I don't. I still look back and wonder if I could have somehow been different or done things differently. I hate that feeling. I want to believe that we were just too different, but I'm having a hard time getting past "what could have been", If I had done this or that. I have never felt such a loss in my life. I'm really struggling.
betterdeal Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I'm sure it wasn't for fun. So what was it? But he wasn't honest with me about his doubts. He let things fester. Sounds like it. And you want to live with someone who does that? I'm not a mind reader I [could] only go off of what he told or showed me. So how do you know he didn't love you? I'm not putting all responsibility on him But your words so far tell us that he should have done this that and the other, and you appear to have had nothing to do. I'm far from perfect but I'm just saying that I loved him and wasn't going to back out of something I believed in. I didn't have doubts. But you had fundamental differences that drove you nuts. Sounds like he has higher expectations for himself and the life he will lead than you do yourself. You'd put up with things that drive you nuts, whereas he wouldn't. To me that says he's more comfortable with himself, less needy, less dependent than you. Simply put, he likes a quiet life with little conflict. This is not as important to you than having someone to look after you, for you to "love". The thing is, he's not your daddy.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 So what was it? Sounds like it. And you want to live with someone who does that? So how do you know he didn't love you? But your words so far tell us that he should have done this that and the other, and you appear to have had nothing to do. But you had fundamental differences that drove you nuts. Sounds like he has higher expectations for himself and the life he will lead than you do yourself. You'd put up with things that drive you nuts, whereas he wouldn't. To me that says he's more comfortable with himself, less needy, less dependent than you. Simply put, he likes a quiet life with little conflict. This is not as important to you than having someone to look after you, for you to "love". The thing is, he's not your daddy. How do I know he didn't love me? Because he never told me he did. He cared but not loved. I wasn't looking at him to "look after me". I don't want to be with a man that isn't "in love" with me. Thats not fair to either one of us. And sure I could have done stuff better. Thats one of the reasons I'm struggling. I don't "like" conflict. The reason we even had conflict was because I spoke out when things were off and he didn't. He was so closed off sometimes. There was this communication barrier.
utterer of lies Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I really hoped that once he told me what I needed to hear I would feel better about things. But I don't. I still look back and wonder if I could have somehow been different or done things differently. I hate that feeling. I want to believe that we were just too different, but I'm having a hard time getting past "what could have been", If I had done this or that. That's normal. It's not something that can be changed. Its quite unusual that he even gives you such a nice, detailed explanation. But even with this, it doesn't help. Rational reasons and all won't fix the emotions that are troubling you. Sucks, but ... such is life. You really should try to cut all contact with him until you've recovered a bit. I have never felt such a loss in my life. I'm really struggling. I'm sorry. Things will be better again, even if you probably won't believe this right now.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 That's normal. It's not something that can be changed. Its quite unusual that he even gives you such a nice, detailed explanation. But even with this, it doesn't help. Rational reasons and all won't fix the emotions that are troubling you. Sucks, but ... such is life. You really should try to cut all contact with him until you've recovered a bit. I'm sorry. Things will be better again, even if you probably won't believe this right now. I don't want contact with him now or future, unless I HAVE to. Like if I find out I'm pregnant. I don't know if I should believe we were too different or should I feel responsible.
elaina Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I stick to what I said earlier and these e-mails from him further reinforce what I already suspected. You did something that pushed him over a threshold. There's no way a guy like that moves in with you and ends the relationship 4 days later, gives you $700 bucks, leaves you homeless and then sends you on your merry way. Unless he got pushed over a threshold. Totally true. StillTryingToUnderstand, he found out through your words and actions that you and he didn't share the same priorities in life. For him, taking care of family, especially after a horrible emergency happens, is a part of his priorities... no question, no discussion, así es (that's how it is.) For you, privacy and discussion are priorities. Ya'll are not compatible. That doesn't mean either one of you is bad. Rather, this experience has enlightened him to note the consequences of acute differences in priorities. Now don't get me wrong, the very thing that might have actually pushed him over the threshold was is compassion for YOU. Because he mentions something very important in that e-mail and as a man I can relate to what he's saying there. He says that you wanted to change for him, but a good guy would not want a woman to change for him, because that would be too much to ask from another human being. Having someone else change for you just feels unethical. It just feels like it goes to far. So I completely understand why he did what he did. So the fights were one thing, but what pushed him over the threshold was probably his compassion for you.Agreed. He sounds like an awesome man. Maybe StillTryingtoUnderstand, maybe that's why you are taking it so hard that the relationship is no longer, and I understand and am sorry for your heartbreak. Don't hate him though. Just respect him and trust that this was the best decision for both of you. Regardless of if this man is Japanese or Portuguese or of any other country, this man does care for you and has decisively showed it. Guys who don't care usually just disappear or try to rob you or any number of things. This guy did want a future with you, was planning his future with you, but when an emergency came up, it made him realize that the relationship was not going to work like both of ya'll hoped. At this point, I actually think you're SarcasticBlonde too. No biggy in my opinion. I just know the following is the case. You're a very emotional type of woman, yet through a dating website you got into contact with a guy who is a rationalist and you don't have experience with men like that. That's fine, it happens. I actually feel empathy for you, I feel sorry for you, because through your posts I get the type of person you are and how he is. You just fell in love with a guy that you don't understand and that's sweet in a way, but I do think you're stubborn too. You very much have your own will. You liked this guy so much that you were willing to change for him, but he perceptively noticed a pattern in your behavior that you demonstrated to him and he was not buying it and in the case you DID want to and actually managed to change, then that would go too far in his opinion.Don't change yourself for a man. Be yourself. I totally agree with your ex-boyfriend that there is someone out there who is better for you, who you do not have to change for or compromise or plead to. When you meet the man that is better for you, you will be glad that your ex didn't take you back and you didn't go through the struggle of being hospitable to his family members but resenting it. There's nothing worse than resenting having to be hospitable. Hospitality is something that should be given freely because YOU want to, not because your loved one is forcing you too or because you feel if you don't, that he will leave you. He is very much a gentleman that he is not forcing you to be hospitable to his family. He is letting you go because he understands that the future would just hold resentment and anger and bitterness on both sides. Ya'll have different priorities, and that's ok.
zengirl Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 zen why raise an eyebrow at all? if my bfs family had a problem they can live at my house or even my parents house for as long as they want. moving in (something ive never done yet) seems to me as a prerequisite to marriage, so he was probably expecting her to treat these guys as relatives already..but alas. i cant fathom the thought that anyone would turn them away when they need help the most. Because in my view grown Portuguese men wouldn't want to stay with their brother's family---maybe a brother, as a roommate, but not as a "need" thing where they were obviously a bit of a disturbance---indefinitely (no end period in sight) unless they were a bit unmotivated and troublesome. It would depend entirely on the reasoning behind them coming, length of time, etc. I wouldn't want to deal with the egos involved, mostly.
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