Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Then it sounds like he doesn't have the skills to argue / discuss his point of view well and copes by shutting off, dismissing it. That must surely annoy you in itself? He didn't like to "discuss" anything that we may disagree about. He would shut down. It would drive me nuts. And I understand that 7 months wasn't that long but we spent a lot of time together and pretty much already lived together with all the time we spent at one anothers places. I always was the real me with him. Not like I was diff the last 3 months than I was the first 4 months. He led me on and it sucks.
utterer of lies Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 He didn't like to "discuss" anything that we may disagree about. He would shut down. It would drive me nuts. And I understand that 7 months wasn't that long but we spent a lot of time together and pretty much already lived together with all the time we spent at one anothers places. I always was the real me with him. Not like I was diff the last 3 months than I was the first 4 months. He led me on and it sucks. You cannot force him to love you. You cannot force him to want you as his long-term partner. He was honest about it when he realized its not going to work, for both of your sakes. You should respect that.
zengirl Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 That paragraph is actually spot on. I as a guy for example think arguments(verbal fights) are unacceptable. Why? Because it doesn't make me happy, it makes me sad, it stresses me, it wears me out, it brings my spirit down and it hardens my attitude towards the other person if the other person is pushing me over a threshold. And I expect it has the same effect for the other person. It's like inflicting suffering on someone. I in no way can understand why someone would be fine with that. Many men just don't want it. Some women see arguing as something romantic, something passionate, like there's fire and it's exciting. Many if not most men simply don't want it. Calmly discussing and gently compromising, fine. Verbal fights, no thanks. Then again, there are guys who can't control themselves and become violent. F*ck them. Hitting a woman is just a big no-no. Violence in general isn't acceptable. *Oh really Nexus? Yeah really. Hey who are you anyway? I'm the other half of your brain competing with yourself. That's deep man, that's deep.* You know I do find what you've said in your posts here to be bringing some very good points into the discussion. However, this seems unrealistic. I don't find fights romantic, but I don't see how they are wholly avoidable if you spend enough time with someone. Do you really expect a relationship where you never disagree? Some fights are different and more draining than others, of course, but it's never fun to disagree about something meaningful (that's what I'd consider a "healthy" fight---a disagreement that both sides care about). Have you actually been able to have a romantic partner with whom you never fought? For years on end? To rule something like that "unacceptable" to me, seems to be like ruling Mondays unacceptable, assuming you actually want a relationship.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Utterer of Lies- tried to quote but couldn't.anyway.. I only want recipricated love and he didn't fall in love with me, arguing aside..that's the only solstice I have in this without feeling that If I had done things differently we would we together. He admitted he felt this coming long ago but still moved forward. That's really was hurts the most
utterer of lies Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 That's really was hurts the most What hurts most is the rejection.
betterdeal Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Have you actually been able to have a romantic partner with whom you never fought? For years on end? To rule something like that "unacceptable" to me, seems to be like ruling Mondays unacceptable, assuming you actually want a relationship. I took fighting to mean fists and that in Nexus' posts.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 He was not "leading you on." As other people have said, it was a SEVEN MONTH relationship. He probably did have doubts, but did not have enough time yet to recognize that they were valid rather than just stuff like the usual concerns and bumps that occur in every relationship as it develops. They were, in fact, signs of real incompatibility. Also, he was very accountable and honorable to explain things to you as he did, and to help you financially to deal with this drastic change in your plans. He took care of this BEFORE you actually made the move. As your prior posts as "Sarcastic" and "Still Sarcastic" have been deleted, since you were evidently banned, I can't go back and review them. I do, however, remember how you reacted to a problem you two had earlier in your relationship. It was clear from your description of that that you and he had basic differences on how to resolve a dispute. I'm not sure how you managed to get things back on track after that one. Further, the guy is JAPANESE. I lived in that country for a while. The Japanese culture is very, very strong and homogenous. I don't think that there is really a place for "fighting" and "arguing" in your personal way in relationships in that culture, and I am pretty sure that your style would be impossible for a Japanese man to deal with long term. You have demonstrated your style of handling disagreements here on LS, and it looks to me that it would be difficult for most people to handle well. On the other hand, a typical Japanese way of dealing with relationship issues would not work for you at all, either. I imagine that this guy has been pushed past his breaking point, especially with whatever feelings he must be having about the devastation in his home country to deal with. It would be a bad time to have to deal with relationship problems too. And, he got to learn how you would behave when he was dealing with something extremely heavy ... and it was probably a wake-up call for him. This all probably sounds harsh, and for all I know I might already be on "iggy," as you put it, as are other people here who don't "take your side." I do have empathy for your loss of a relationship that was important to you. I am sure that you feel very sad and hurt and I am truly sorry; I have been there too and it's awful. That said, I hope you will take a look at all that happened in this relationship. I honestly don't think it was "your fault" that he broke up with you - I do think that there were deep, irreconcilable incompatibilities on many levels. He probably behaved as if he worshipped you, which may have been enough for you, but I'd be surprised if there weren't plenty of warning signs along the way for you, too, that this was not really meant to last. Take care, and if you really want to be a part of this community and benefit from the wisdom and interesting viewpoints here, stop trying to disguise yourself and the true facts of what's going on with you. That's not getting you anywhere.
Leeway Harris Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 OP, you seem to have an overwhelming need to hate this guy right now. I can totally understand that, but you seem like you're asking others to join you in hating him, and I don't know if that's very healthy. If you keep yourself in an echo chamber, you'll just reinforce all the negativity and end up hating this guy forever, which would be a mistake in the long run, because it's a drain on your energy and doesn't do you any good. Listen to what the people here are saying, and maybe you can get on a path to seeing this as it really is, something that, sadly, didn't work out the way you wanted it to. Hope you feel better soon.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 What hurts most is the rejection. well it doesn't feel good but its really knowing I wasted time and energy on someone that didn't feel it back for long enough that I could have walked away sooner, had I known.
zengirl Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I took fighting to mean fists and that in Nexus' posts. He specified verbal fighting in the first paragraph.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 OP, you seem to have an overwhelming need to hate this guy right now. I can totally understand that, but you seem like you're asking others to join you in hating him, and I don't know if that's very healthy. If you keep yourself in an echo chamber, you'll just reinforce all the negativity and end up hating this guy forever, which would be a mistake in the long run, because it's a drain on your energy and doesn't do you any good. Listen to what the people here are saying, and maybe you can get on a path to seeing this as it really is, something that, sadly, didn't work out the way you wanted it to. Hope you feel better soon. I hate that he didn't tell me he wasn't going to be able to love me before we made plans.
SingVoice Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 You know what bothers me? Why don't people EXPRESS their feelings in a relationship?? It's obvious that this guy was having doubts. WHY didn't he just talk to her about them??? I mean...I feel like if you don't talk about them...they just fester and build up...and eventually someone gets blindsided. That's not to say that you should air out ALL of your doubts about a relationship...but I do think he could have said something. He sounds like a decent guy...and maybe he was trying to sort through things on his own. Who knows. I just never understand why people who love each other can't discuss these things!
sniffys Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 @chaucer..had to read your post twice cause i was confused..japanese? i thoguht portugal? @op i think you should just tell us these lil details so we can help better..cause if u did say japanese then there is a big difference bet. him and a portugese guy. first of all, how they treat their family siblings or etc is very different..you did mention that you were somewhat against these guys living with you and your ex..it seems to me like it was a stab in his heart that you arent welcoming them, his own flesh and blood. that was probably the last straw. but u know at least u got a "reason". some of us dont.. and i dont want to be judgemental but when the 7 month thing was mentioned it reminded me of the 7 month itch..usually how long people get to think if they want to be w/ someone for a longer time or not.
betterdeal Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 He didn't like to "discuss" anything that we may disagree about. He would shut down. It would drive me nuts. So there were things about him that annoyed you and hadn't changed by the time you guys split up. And you'd be willing to live with that thing that drove you nuts for the rest of your life? And I understand that 7 months wasn't that long but we spent a lot of time together and pretty much already lived together with all the time we spent at one anothers places. I always was the real me with him. Not like I was diff the last 3 months than I was the first 4 months. He led me on and it sucks. He was the real him with you. You may not like the real him, but he is the real him, just living life the way he has learnt best to. That you don't like the way he is says to me that you too knew the relationship had its flaws, sufficient to drive you nuts, but you still wanted to move in with him despite knowing these things. It also begs the question, what is it you want from a partner?
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 You know what bothers me? Why don't people EXPRESS their feelings in a relationship?? It's obvious that this guy was having doubts. WHY didn't he just talk to her about them??? I mean...I feel like if you don't talk about them...they just fester and build up...and eventually someone gets blindsided. That's not to say that you should air out ALL of your doubts about a relationship...but I do think he could have said something. He sounds like a decent guy...and maybe he was trying to sort through things on his own. Who knows. I just never understand why people who love each other can't discuss these things! That's how he is, he lets his feelings sit and sit until he blows up. In this way we truly are incompatible but I wanted to make it work so I tried to deal with it. I'm the total opposite of that, I say whats bothering me from the start and don't hold back. I asked him so many times if he was sure he wanted to move forward with living together, gave me ample opportunties to say no and he still didn't say any of this. But the bottom line is he didn't love me. He just wasnt that into me as the saying goes.
Leeway Harris Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I hate that he didn't tell me he wasn't going to be able to love me before we made plans. Maybe he didn't know. It sounds like he had some conflicting feelings. He had some "doubts" but he wasn't sure they were worth bringing up and causing conflicts over, because no relationship is perfect and he didn't want to risk ruining things over something that might be no big deal. You're probably right that he should have been more open about it, but maybe it was the big step you guys took that jolted him into reality, and he couldn't deny his feelings anymore. I've been in a couple of relationships where I knew deep down that it wouldn't work out, but I kept telling myself "Maybe it'll get better!" Of course it didn't, and sticking with the relationship just prolonged the pain and frustration. I should have walked away sooner. Maybe your ex should have too.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 So there were things about him that annoyed you and hadn't changed by the time you guys split up. And you'd be willing to live with that thing that drove you nuts for the rest of your life? He was the real him with you. You may not like the real him, but he is the real him, just living life the way he has learnt best to. That you don't like the way he is says to me that you too knew the relationship had its flaws, sufficient to drive you nuts, but you still wanted to move in with him despite knowing these things. It also begs the question, what is it you want from a partner? I loved him so I was willing to deal with the negatives. The positives outweighed the negatives. He admitted to having feelings that weren't right for long enough but we continued this charade.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 That's how he is, he lets his feelings sit and sit until he blows up. In this way we truly are incompatible but I wanted to make it work so I tried to deal with it. I'm the total opposite of that, I say whats bothering me from the start and don't hold back. I asked him so many times if he was sure he wanted to move forward with living together, gave me ample opportunties to say no and he still didn't say any of this. But the bottom line is he didn't love me. He just wasnt that into me as the saying goes. Meant gave HIM ample opportunities to say no.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 @chaucer..had to read your post twice cause i was confused..japanese? i thoguht portugal? The OP has been banned a couple of times so she is now back with a "disguise" to her story (she is denying this, but it's the case). The boyfriend is really Japanese, and the reason his relatives were considering coming here was because of the disaster in Japan. Since she was banned, her other threads have disappeared, so I can't review all the other details she shared. I think this makes a huge difference to the way I see the situation - both culturally and situationally.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 The OP has been banned a couple of times so she is now back with a "disguise" to her story (she is denying this, but it's the case). The boyfriend is really Japanese, and the reason his relatives were considering coming here was because of the disaster in Japan. Since she was banned, her other threads have disappeared, so I can't review all the other details she shared. I think this makes a huge difference to the way I see the situation - both culturally and situationally. You are wrong. But you have some good advice, so thanks.
betterdeal Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 He specified verbal fighting in the first paragraph. My mistake.
zengirl Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 He was not "leading you on." As other people have said, it was a SEVEN MONTH relationship. He probably did have doubts, but did not have enough time yet to recognize that they were valid rather than just stuff like the usual concerns and bumps that occur in every relationship as it develops. They were, in fact, signs of real incompatibility. Also, he was very accountable and honorable to explain things to you as he did, and to help you financially to deal with this drastic change in your plans. He took care of this BEFORE you actually made the move. As your prior posts as "Sarcastic" and "Still Sarcastic" have been deleted, since you were evidently banned, I can't go back and review them. I do, however, remember how you reacted to a problem you two had earlier in your relationship. It was clear from your description of that that you and he had basic differences on how to resolve a dispute. I'm not sure how you managed to get things back on track after that one. Further, the guy is JAPANESE. I lived in that country for a while. The Japanese culture is very, very strong and homogenous. I don't think that there is really a place for "fighting" and "arguing" in your personal way in relationships in that culture, and I am pretty sure that your style would be impossible for a Japanese man to deal with long term. You have demonstrated your style of handling disagreements here on LS, and it looks to me that it would be difficult for most people to handle well. On the other hand, a typical Japanese way of dealing with relationship issues would not work for you at all, either. I imagine that this guy has been pushed past his breaking point, especially with whatever feelings he must be having about the devastation in his home country to deal with. It would be a bad time to have to deal with relationship problems too. And, he got to learn how you would behave when he was dealing with something extremely heavy ... and it was probably a wake-up call for him. This all probably sounds harsh, and for all I know I might already be on "iggy," as you put it, as are other people here who don't "take your side." I do have empathy for your loss of a relationship that was important to you. I am sure that you feel very sad and hurt and I am truly sorry; I have been there too and it's awful. That said, I hope you will take a look at all that happened in this relationship. I honestly don't think it was "your fault" that he broke up with you - I do think that there were deep, irreconcilable incompatibilities on many levels. He probably behaved as if he worshipped you, which may have been enough for you, but I'd be surprised if there weren't plenty of warning signs along the way for you, too, that this was not really meant to last. Take care, and if you really want to be a part of this community and benefit from the wisdom and interesting viewpoints here, stop trying to disguise yourself and the true facts of what's going on with you. That's not getting you anywhere. Totally with Mme. on this. Also: If you are Sarcastic Blonde, a sister and her young children from Japan is very different from two grown brothers from Portugal. You just cannot compare the two. If some guy just randomly wanted his two grown brothers from Portugal to move in with me and him, I'd definitely raise an eyebrow or two, much more than if a guy wanted his sister to move in so that she and his two nieces/nephews could escape the effects of harmful radiation after a massive disaster. Not to mention that the two cultures are very different, and he was (if you are SB) the eldest son. In Japan, if you are the eldest son, and you have sisters, you are like a 2nd father. This is not true in Portugal. I have been to both places. If you're not SB and this guy is really a Portuguese guy who just wanted his brothers to move in and broke up with you when you protested and said "Check with me first" (I find this unlikely or he's a real douche --- something else happened or he's a jerk, basically), then you're better off. If you are SB, I agree that it's a fundamental incompatibility, you both did some things wrong, and the relationship was just never going to work.
Lucky_One Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 In this way we truly are incompatible but I wanted to make it work so I tried to deal with it. He was the same way. He wanted to make it work, and then he realized it wasn't going to. So he ended it.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 He was the same way. He wanted to make it work, and then he realized it wasn't going to. So he ended it. The difference is I loved him and had it in me to deal. He didn't love me and let it go on too long.
Lucky_One Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 The difference is I loved him and had it in me to deal. He didn't love me and let it go on too long. And maybe he thought he loved you, or loved you in the past and was hoping that the love would return. He DIDN'T let it go on too long - you ONLY dated 7 months!!!
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