Update: Well its REALLY over.....He responded back with this..

March 29, 2011

I got an email from bf , this one he sent on his own:

"Firstly, I’m sorry for hurting your feelings, but I think there is no easy way to address the end of a relationship. I understand why some of the things were said as you left here yesterday, so please don’t feel bad. Frankly I think I deserve to be called so as I ended this relationship despite your plea.

I know you’re seeking a closure to why this had to come to an abrupt end, so I try to explain it here as best as I can.

Well, I wanted to end this relationship mainly because I started to resent a repeating pattern on how we argued over some things that were recurring.

I believe there is someone better for you waiting out there that can make you happy without putting you in a situation that you have to try so hard to be someone else. I may not show, but I was moved when you said you will try hard to change, but I really think that you will resent this and eventually we will fight over again for different issues.

While I enjoyed how different we are to each other, I really find it difficult to enjoy the relationship when we have quite little in common…

I know you’re in a tough situation at the moment, but I have no doubt that you’ll pull it through and find a better life. Although this relationship did not work out as I hoped for, but I enjoyed spending time to get to know you. Please don’t beat yourself over this – I think you have a lot of good qualities that I admire. Thanks for everything you done for me to feel welcomed and loved. I wish you a good life and a lot of luck with meeting someone who deserve you and can make you happy."

and than in another one he responded to my email. I didn't see the top one prior to the one I sent since he sent it to an email I don't regularly use, otherwise I wouldn't have emailed him at all. He wrote this in response to mine:

"Thanks for the e-mail. I thought it was thoughtful and kind of you to do

so. I read it and thought through what you wrote there.

I agree with you that it's normal to have fights and disagreements in any

relationship, but people are capable to getting over that through respect,

caring and love for each other.

On the other hand, I think it's also important for the people in the

intimate relationship to share a common value and aspirations. If I may use

the metaphor of the life is a journey, I think two people in relationship

must have the shared goal, values and what it takes to work together.

Over the past six months or so, as we started to disagree with things, I

really felt that there are something we just don't agree - I know you will

say that these are things that we can work on, but I think the truth is that

we were starting to resent the compromises we made to each other to save the

relationship. I think this is why we argued over similar problems over and

over. I think we have grown apart over the six months as we found the

differences in each other that we could not reconcile -

I may sound selfish to say that I'm not ready to give up in the search to

find someone whom I can truly share my inspiration and goals in life. I want

to live my life fully and passionately, and to do so I won't settle with

something in a middle ground. You may think I'm a fool, but I think that how

I am.

I know you're much more willing to sacrifice yourself for others, but I

hope that you do not lose who you are and all the great things about you.

When I see you cry and said that started to say that you can change for me -

I thought this has came too far.

It's not easy to let go of someone when you became so close to each other,

but I think we need to do this so that we both can grow out of the shell.

P.S. I will need sometime apart from each other until we are both ready,

but I'm open to stay in touch with you as a friend. If you're open to it

please keep it in mind. I consider the time we spent together is a gift and

something I treasure. I think there are a lot of things I learned from you

that made me a better person."

Now while most of you will say "hey he sounds like a great person" well maybe he is a good person. But he obviously had doubts about me for awhile that just came out now. But yet up until 4 days ago we were moving forward to live together. I feel VERY led on. I wasted time with someone that obviously didn't feel strongly for me for awhile and never said any of this to me. Because if he had, I would have made sure I wasn't wasting my precious time, feelings or energy.

I told him this and I told him I do not want to be his friend and wished him luck.

Now I want to physically crumble into a ball and get in bed and never get out.

Edited March 29, 2011 by TryingtoUnderstand32

March 29, 2011

I don't know how I missed he wasn't really that into me..

March 29, 2011

Usually I interpret any further communication after a breakup as "blah blah blah blah blah" because the point is that it's over. And you are right, in the end, he just wasn't into you enough to stay with you. That's all it is. I have a perfect example for you. My brother recently proposed to his now ex girlfriend. To everyone else he couldnt have seemed more happy. Then suddenly literally out of nowhere he broke it off, saying that it just didnt feel right. And it seemed to me that he accepted the idea of never seeing her again WAYYYY too quickly. It just said to me that despite how things SEEMED, he just wasnt that into her. Dont blame yourself... Just take this as an experience and move on to greener pastures.

March 29, 2011

Usually I interpret any further communication after a breakup as "blah blah blah blah blah" because the point is that it's over. And you are right, in the end, he just wasn't into you enough to stay with you. That's all it is. I have a perfect example for you. My brother recently proposed to his now ex girlfriend. To everyone else he couldnt have seemed more happy. Then suddenly literally out of nowhere he broke it off, saying that it just didnt feel right. And it seemed to me that he accepted the idea of never seeing her again WAYYYY too quickly. It just said to me that despite how things SEEMED, he just wasnt that into her. Dont blame yourself... Just take this as an experience and move on to greener pastures.

I could NEVER take things as far as he did with me and NOT be into them. I just don't get it.

March 29, 2011

I disagree.

I think he was very into you, so much so that he spent six months with you, made future plans, and didn't want to breakup with you even though he felt it in his gut was the best thing to do.

Listen, it hurts, I know..I'm going through a somewhat similar breakup right now, but you have to understand that this is for the absolute best for both of you. He cared about you, loved you, but you just weren't "the one" for him; more like "the one for right now." You shouldn't have to feel as though you need to change who you are or anything along those lines, but it seems as though one or both of you felt that you had to in this relationship, which he's right, would make you end up resenting one another for it in the future, making it a bitter relationship, even if it did have potential.

Though you don't have to do this, this is how I feel and felt towards my ex..even while dating him. I felt (still do) that his happiness was my number one goal. I was willing to do anything for him, and all I've wanted since the beginning was for him to achieve my dream of living a happy and fulfilled life with the ones he loved, and to just find true happiness. If he was happy, I was happy. If he was happy with me, then I was even happier. Sometimes if you love someone, you have to let them go to find that true happiness with "the one" that they've always dreamed about, even if you so badly want that person to be you, and even if they made you believe that you could be that person. It may not help you, but it's made the pain a lot less painful just thinking about his and my future, and just hoping and praying that he's on the right track to finding his ultimate happiness, even if I'm not included in his plans any more. I'm also looking forward to "the one" for me, and I'm hoping that if I find him, that I'll thank my ex someday for making the hard decision to end things when it was in his gut to do it..just like it was in your ex's gut to do it for you guys.

Just, try to stay positive, and know that he loved you, even if it wasn't everlasting love. It's hard..like I said..I'm going through the same thing, but hopefully you'll find someone soon who wont do you like he did, and wont hurt you after leading you on for so long.

March 29, 2011

I disagree.

I think he was very into you, so much so that he spent six months with you, made future plans, and didn't want to breakup with you even though he felt it in his gut was the best thing to do.

Listen, it hurts, I know..I'm going through a somewhat similar breakup right now, but you have to understand that this is for the absolute best for both of you. He cared about you, loved you, but you just weren't "the one" for him; more like "the one for right now." You shouldn't have to feel as though you need to change who you are or anything along those lines, but it seems as though one or both of you felt that you had to in this relationship, which he's right, would make you end up resenting one another for it in the future, making it a bitter relationship, even if it did have potential.

Though you don't have to do this, this is how I feel and felt towards my ex..even while dating him. I felt (still do) that his happiness was my number one goal. I was willing to do anything for him, and all I've wanted since the beginning was for him to achieve my dream of living a happy and fulfilled life with the ones he loved, and to just find true happiness. If he was happy, I was happy. If he was happy with me, then I was even happier. Sometimes if you love someone, you have to let them go to find that true happiness with "the one" that they've always dreamed about, even if you so badly want that person to be you, and even if they made you believe that you could be that person. It may not help you, but it's made the pain a lot less painful just thinking about his and my future, and just hoping and praying that he's on the right track to finding his ultimate happiness, even if I'm not included in his plans any more. I'm also looking forward to "the one" for me, and I'm hoping that if I find him, that I'll thank my ex someday for making the hard decision to end things when it was in his gut to do it..just like it was in your ex's gut to do it for you guys.

Just, try to stay positive, and know that he loved you, even if it wasn't everlasting love. It's hard..like I said..I'm going through the same thing, but hopefully you'll find someone soon who wont do you like he did, and wont hurt you after leading you on for so long.

Thank you for the kind words. I don't think he was ever into me or in love with me. He had these thoughts way prior to our fallout and continued on with the charade. I feel so foolish.

I hope you find what you are looking for as well and know you are not alone in your pain.

March 29, 2011

I just really want to hate him.

March 29, 2011

Now while most of you will say "hey he sounds like a great person" well maybe he is a good person. But he obviously had doubts about me for awhile that just came out now. But yet up until 4 days ago we were moving forward to live together. I feel VERY led on. I wasted time with someone that obviously didn't feel strongly for me for awhile and never said any of this to me. Because if he had, I would have made sure I wasn't wasting my precious time, feelings or energy.

I stick to what I said earlier and these e-mails from him further reinforce what I already suspected. You did something that pushed him over a threshold. There's no way a guy like that moves in with you and ends the relationship 4 days later, gives you $700 bucks, leaves you homeless and then sends you on your merry way. Unless he got pushed over a threshold.

Now don't get me wrong, the very thing that might have actually pushed him over the threshold was is compassion for YOU. Because he mentions something very important in that e-mail and as a man I can relate to what he's saying there. He says that you wanted to change for him, but a good guy would not want a woman to change for him, because that would be too much to ask from another human being. Having someone else change for you just feels unethical. It just feels like it goes to far. So I completely understand why he did what he did. So the fights were one thing, but what pushed him over the threshold was probably his compassion for you.

At this point, I actually think you're SarcasticBlonde too. No biggy in my opinion. I just know the following is the case. You're a very emotional type of woman, yet through a dating website you got into contact with a guy who is a rationalist and you don't have experience with men like that. That's fine, it happens. I actually feel empathy for you, I feel sorry for you, because through your posts I get the type of person you are and how he is. You just fell in love with a guy that you don't understand and that's sweet in a way, but I do think you're stubborn too. You very much have your own will. You liked this guy so much that you were willing to change for him, but he perceptively noticed a pattern in your behavior that you demonstrated to him and he was not buying it and in the case you DID want to and actually managed to change, then that would go too far in his opinion.

All I can say at this point that I understand how you probably feel right now and I sympathize with you and the whole situation.

March 29, 2011

I personally think that what it did to you was horrible. He had doubts and felt like you were growing apart for the last 6 months, yet he was going ahead with moving in together. This was signaling to you that you were growing closer and the R is getting more serious.

He never communicated doubts to you and you kept investing energy and time into this - having no idea.

While it's OK to have doubts in any R from time to time, it is not OK to take major R steps forward while having those doubts

March 29, 2011

I stick to what I said earlier and these e-mails from him further reinforce what I already suspected. You did something that pushed him over a threshold. There's no way a guy like that moves in with you and ends the relationship 4 days later, gives you $700 bucks, leaves you homeless and then sends you on your merry way. Unless he got pushed over a threshold.

Now don't get me wrong, the very thing that might have actually pushed him over the threshold was is compassion for YOU. Because he mentions something very important in that e-mail and as a man I can relate to what he's saying there. He says that you wanted to change for him, but a good guy would not want a woman to change for him, because that would be too much to ask from another human being. Having someone else change for you just feels unethical. It just feels like it goes to far. So I completely understand why he did what he did. So the fights were one thing, but what pushed him over the threshold was probably his compassion for you.

At this point, I actually think you're SarcasticBlonde too. No biggy in my opinion. I just know the following is the case. You're a very emotional type of woman, yet through a dating website you got into contact with a guy who is a rationalist and you don't have experience with men like that. That's fine, it happens. I actually feel empathy for you, I feel sorry for you, because through your posts I get the type of person you are and how he is. You just fell in love with a guy that you don't understand and that's sweet in a way, but I do think you're stubborn too. You very much have your own will. You liked this guy so much that you were willing to change for him, but he perceptively noticed a pattern in your behavior that you demonstrated to him and he was not buying it and in the case you DID want to and actually managed to change, then that would go too far in his opinion.

All I can say at this point that I understand how you probably feel right now and I sympathize with you and the whole situation.

I'm not "blonde" but thanks for the kind words. He had doubts and shouls have ended it much sooner. He let it get too far.

March 29, 2011

I personally think that what it did to you was horrible. He had doubts and felt like you were growing apart for the last 6 months, yet he was going ahead with moving in together. This was signaling to you that you were growing closer and the R is getting more serious.

He never communicated doubts to you and you kept investing energy and time into this - having no idea.

While it's OK to have doubts in any R from time to time, it is not OK to take major R steps forward while having those doubts

This pretty much sums it up. Thanks for the understanding. Its nice to know someone sees it as I feel about it. You know I actually felt maybe he was too good for me...

March 29, 2011

I don't think he was ever into me or in love with me. He had these thoughts way prior to our fallout and continued on with the charade. I feel so foolish.

You're not getting what he's trying to say. It's not that he wasn't into you. He's saying that over the past 6 months he was starting to realize there was a pattern forming regarding you and the relationship.

Patterns are very important to men. I've said this many times before here on LS and I'll say it again. Men look for proof, men look for obvious signals and men look for patterns. If you as a woman start to demonstrate a certain negative pattern over time, then you will imprint that pattern in the mind of your guy. So now the guy has figured out "your pattern" and the pattern of the relationship. The only thing that needs to happen after that has been established, is for the woman to push the guy over some kind of threshold and that can be done in multiple ways. Women are creative with this.

With guys like these, rationalists, they don't take sh*t beyond a certain point. Some men are not that desperate for a woman that they would just take any sh*t from a woman. Push a guy like that too far and you will singlehandedly sever the connection he has internally built with you. But you don't see that happen in a guy, because you can't look inside of us, you only see the result. And the result is that at that point a man can seem to become very cold and that's because at that point a man becomes very methodical and very solution oriented. Men try solve whatever problem is at hand at such a point hardcore style and if that includes breaking up, then that's just what needs to happen. If that drastic measure solves the problem, then that solution will be the end of it.

I'm not saying all guys are like that, I'm just saying that some are and I think your guy is one of them.

Edited March 29, 2011 by Nexus One

March 29, 2011

i been reading your posts for a while op and i didnt want to comment. but the feeling for me is very real, and fresh as it seems. even though it seemed like such a long time ago.

personally when a guy leaves us, we want a reason. i wasnt given one.

i was so lucky to have friends who listened to me as i took an emotional dump on them for months, i just stopped it cause it was getting embarrassing, and was out of character for me.

one thing i learned, as a guy friend also told me, guys cant handle arguments like we girls do. there is something about it, that stresses or strains them so much to a breaking point. for us, especially for me, fighting seems to be right, arguments are ok as long as it gets settled in the end. as i see it, its not a negative thing that a couple can express how they argue and how they are willing to compromise as long as they have fighting rules (like never bring it up again, no walking out, no hitting)

for a while i was thinking, i want to be a bimbo and just carry on, theres so many guys out there and i was hurting over 1 guy who couldnt even get a girl or didnt have girls chasing him.

anyway im really happier now, the thing is, i just miss him a lot. but he is gone forever, and i accept it. i am moving forward to my future, and my future family. im loved and i love, and in peace.

March 29, 2011

Sounds a little bit similar to my last relationship (from male perspective), I was feeling like that about 6 months into our relationship, and if I had been as honest as your ex bf here, and not as relationship dependent as I had been... then I would've sent a very similar email around the 6month mark. But instead I just clung to the closeness of having someone (and not just anyone, she was and I'm sure you are a very lovely person) even though I knew deep down that we werent right for each other and wouldnt go the distance.

We stayed together for 2 years, we clashed a lot on values, aspirations, personality style, I broke up with her after one year then relented and we got back together (again syptom of my relationship dependence).. kept trying to hold onto the good things (company, warmth, intimacy, sex) even though the bad things kept appearing and became impossible to ignore.

For the first year of our relationship and (after the first break up and get back together) she didnt understand why I didnt think we worked, and just wanted to hold on to me and make things work. But she ended up losing feelings for me and she too eventually came to realize that we werent right for each other and ended up breaking up with me.

It really shouldnt have dragged on so long.

What I'm saying is, if he was like me, he wasnt trying to lead you on and did really love you and want to hold on to the good things, and probably thought 'I love her and want to make this work' but his gut kept telling him increasingly that you werent right for each other, and he eventually couldnt deny it any longer.

March 29, 2011

Sometimes it can take a person a long time to see things clearly. If he's regularly involved in the relationship, expressing and receiving affection for and from you, then it can be difficult for him to see what's really going on.

I hope you move on. It will take some time and it will hurt, but in the end, you will be a much stronger person. Compromises are one thing, but changing for somebody is foolish. We are who we are, and people should find us attractive (inside & out) for it.

I know what I'm saying sounds pretty generic, but I wanted to keep it short. I was in a 5-year relationship and I'm glad me and my ex both realized this.

March 29, 2011

The worst part about this is I'm almost 3 weeks "late". I took a pregnancy test last Thursday night with the bf. Came out negative. Gonna wait another week and do it again.

That night he said " don't worry we will handle it if you are, I'm not going anywhere. As a couple we are in it together"

What a crock of you know what.

March 29, 2011

one thing i learned, as a guy friend also told me, guys cant handle arguments like we girls do. there is something about it, that stresses or strains them so much to a breaking point. for us, especially for me, fighting seems to be right, arguments are ok as long as it gets settled in the end. as i see it, its not a negative thing that a couple can express how they argue and how they are willing to compromise as long as they have fighting rules (like never bring it up again, no walking out, no hitting)

That paragraph is actually spot on. I as a guy for example think arguments(verbal fights) are unacceptable. Why? Because it doesn't make me happy, it makes me sad, it stresses me, it wears me out, it brings my spirit down and it hardens my attitude towards the other person if the other person is pushing me over a threshold. And I expect it has the same effect for the other person.

It's like inflicting suffering on someone. I in no way can understand why someone would be fine with that. Many men just don't want it. Some women see arguing as something romantic, something passionate, like there's fire and it's exciting. Many if not most men simply don't want it. Calmly discussing and gently compromising, fine. Verbal fights, no thanks.

Then again, there are guys who can't control themselves and become violent. F*ck them. Hitting a woman is just a big no-no. Violence in general isn't acceptable. *Oh really Nexus? Yeah really. Hey who are you anyway? I'm the other half of your brain competing with yourself. That's deep man, that's deep.*

Edited March 29, 2011 by Nexus One

March 29, 2011

That paragraph is actually spot on. I as a guy for example think arguments(verbal fights) are unacceptable. Why? Because it doesn't make me happy, it makes me sad, it stresses me, it wears me out, it brings my spirit down and it hardens my attitude towards the other person if the other person is pushing me over a threshold. And I expect it has the same effect for the other person.

It's like inflicting suffering on someone. I in no way can understand why someone would be fine with that. Many men just don't want it. Some women see arguing as something romantic, something passionate, like there's fire and it's exciting. Many if not most men simply don't want it. Calmly discussing and gently compromising, fine. Verbal fights, no thanks.

Then again, there are guys who can't control themselves and become violent. F*ck them. Hitting a woman is just a big no-no. Violence in general isn't acceptable. *Oh really Nexus? Yeah really. Hey who are you anyway? I'm the other half of your brain competing with yourself. That's deep man, that's deep.*

He saw evrything as an argument. No one was yelling, or demeaning so if I disagreed it was an "argument" to him. I saw it as a discussion.

March 29, 2011

All feelings are real, and his affection, passion, love for you was as real as yours for him. What appears to have happened is the way you two interact with each other causes frustration and negative feelings between you. You were arguing lots, you were promising to change and he was not promising to change at all. This is just how you two choose to deal with the challenges in the way you interact, relate to one another. It apparently didn't work and despite both of you making big gestures to show your love for one another, such as moving in together, the underlying dynamic of how you relate, react, behave with one another, and so make each other feel, was still causing you both harm.

Being able to accept bad feelings, negotiate the causes, come to conclusions such as making changes, to turn negative points in a relationship into growth points instead of a stumbling blocks, is how to keep a relationship worthwhile, healthy, positive, enjoyable.

It takes two to make a relationship work, and in a sense we can benefit from developing a better relationship with ourself before embarking on a close relationship with someone else. I get the feeling you're ready to get to know you better, to learn more about how to best represent yourself and be yourself, and now that you're not in a co-dependent type of relationship, you have the space and time to do that without having to deal with his or anyone else's needs, wants, weaknesses, problems. You have a chance now to be yourself, to change because you want to, not to please someone else, rather to please yourself.

Let go.

March 29, 2011

I got an email from bf , this one he sent on his own:

"Firstly, I’m sorry for hurting your feelings, but I think there is no easy way to address the end of a relationship. I understand why some of the things were said as you left here yesterday, so please don’t feel bad. Frankly I think I deserve to be called so as I ended this relationship despite your plea.

I know you’re seeking a closure to why this had to come to an abrupt end, so I try to explain it here as best as I can.

Well, I wanted to end this relationship mainly because I started to resent a repeating pattern on how we argued over some things that were recurring.

I believe there is someone better for you waiting out there that can make you happy without putting you in a situation that you have to try so hard to be someone else. I may not show, but I was moved when you said you will try hard to change, but I really think that you will resent this and eventually we will fight over again for different issues.
While I enjoyed how different we are to each other, I really find it difficult to enjoy the relationship when we have quite little in common…

I know you’re in a tough situation at the moment, but I have no doubt that you’ll pull it through and find a better life. Although this relationship did not work out as I hoped for, but I enjoyed spending time to get to know you. Please don’t beat yourself over this – I think you have a lot of good qualities that I admire. Thanks for everything you done for me to feel welcomed and loved. I wish you a good life and a lot of luck with meeting someone who deserve you and can make you happy."

I said almost exactly the same to my now ex-gf last wednesday. I was talking to her on the phone, not writing an email however. I think I know exactly how he feels.

March 29, 2011

He saw evrything as an argument. No one was yelling, or demeaning so if I disagreed it was an "argument" to him. I saw it as a discussion.

Then it sounds like he doesn't have the skills to argue / discuss his point of view well and copes by shutting off, dismissing it. That must surely annoy you in itself?

March 29, 2011

He saw evrything as an argument. No one was yelling, or demeaning so if I disagreed it was an "argument" to him. I saw it as a discussion.

I'm not buying that. Firstly because he mentions fights in both e-mails and secondly you don't just break up over a regular discussion. He even mentions it's normal for couples to have fights/arguments.

Then it sounds like he doesn't have the skills to argue / discuss his point of view well and copes by shutting off, dismissing it. That must surely annoy you in itself?

Or she's not giving us the entire picture. Which is fine by me, it's private, but she shouldn't expect us to believe it when she presents it like that. Basically I get the feeling she just wants to get her perspective acknowledged and emphasized by us. I even sympathize with that, heck she probably feels like sh*t right now and needs to get it off her chest.

Edited March 29, 2011 by Nexus One

March 29, 2011

Or she's not giving us the entire picture. Which is fine by me, it's private, but she shouldn't expect us to believe it when she presents it like that. Basically I get the feeling she just wants to get her perspective acknowledged and emphasized by us. I even sympathize with that, heck she probably feels like sh*t right now and needs to get it off her chest.

On reflection, I agree with you. The point for me is to get the focus off what he did / said / feels and onto what she feels about (her perception of) what happened and what she can do now.

March 29, 2011

@nexus

well i agree with u..although u know most women like to talk and express how they feel, etc..so it kidna feels normal to argue sometimes. im sure a lot of us dont get into fights if we knew it would end up in a break up. :/

anyway as hard and as unfair as it may seem, i think the fights are a big culprit to a relationship's demise.

March 29, 2011

You are all hung up over the fact that he "led you on" for so long.

For so long? You only have dated him for 7 months, and you were already making plans to live together? You both were jumping the gun when you barely knew each other, and you weren't even out of the honeymoon stage so that the "real" selves came out.

So, he didn't really KNOW you, and he was hopeful that the little niggling things that were bothering him would stop bothering him, but they didn't. So he broke up with you. Dragging it out for another 6 months? Now that would be an issue. He has barely had time in 7 months to even start leading you on!

As for a possible pregnancy, even a qualitative pregnancy test should show positive by two weeks late. Let's say you use the Target brand pregnancy test, which along with 80% of the tests of the market detects 25 mlUs of hCG. If you ARE pregnant, your hCG levels are 5-50 mlU the week BEFORE your period (that is 3 weeks from your last period), and they double every 2.2 days. So 2 weeks late would be 6 weeks from your last menstrual period (LMP), and your hCG levels should be 1,080 to 56,500 mlU. HPTs are amazingly sensitive now, and can detect pregnancy levels of hCG even before your period is due. So I wouldn't sweat the pregnancy worry, unless your dates are way off for your cycle.

But for everyone's sake (especially a possible baby), I hope you aren't.

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Update: Well its REALLY over.....He responded back with this..

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