butterfly2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 So I am here with my kids watching old videos and doing laundry. I pass my cell phone and decide to look at my phone and the texts have started. He text me. "Hello, u ok?" Then a lil while later he text, "ok then" Its been more than 24 hours since i contacted him and he pretty much ignored me. He went to play baseball and I asked where and if I can go and he just ignored me. I asked if he was coming home so he can spend my sons birthday together as a family. no response until this text tonight. I actually have no desire to text him back after really sitting down and thinking about everything. I am still very angry.
DarkAngel7 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Yep DONT respond. You aren't ready, and you want him to reach out more. He's starting to wonder why he hasn't heard from you. Keep it that way.
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 I actually am finding it quite funny that after the way he treated me the past few days that now he is looking for me wondering why I havent text him or call him. He wants me to chase him no matter how mean he has been treating me even after apologizing for telling him to leave. after all the argument was still very valid on my part. He is going to keep texting me..... he is going to feel the way i have been feeling. Good, Yes i am angry right now and i have never gotten this way but I am just tired of the game.
DarkAngel7 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 My guy text me last night. I was already asleep but he just said " I've been going through a lot with work, etc. I just didn't feel like arguing" Then he said " I didn't mean to wake you....I just cant sleep" I didn't respond, because hes basically giving me an explanation as to why he distanced himself this week. When he feels it or wants it he will open up more. BTW my situation is diff because we don't live together.
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 WOW, you are so strong. He is missing you but still hasn't reached out to the point you need him to. I'm sorry you are going through this. Keep up the strength. I messed up.... he text me last night but of course I did not respond... but today like a stalker i checked him phone account and it looked to me as if he had been texting someone. The usage is all is shows. So of course I called him and text him. He didn't answer my call but he did answer the text. He said there is no other girl and I didnt leave because of some other girl. Good to hear right? Well i just couldn't leave well enough alone and I kept texting him. I said nice stuff but I also made some valid points which I should have just not text him in the first place. My gut was telling me just to leave the whole thing alone and well I flubbed it all up. Where is my strength? I told him that we just had an argument and he is taking it to the extreme. I told him that if he doesn't want me anymore then he should get his things. Talk about someone causing their own pain and drama. What is my problem? I'm just tired of playing this game that's all. IF he wanted to be home he would be there. That is my true feelings on it. IF he wants free time he should be single cause I definately don't deserve to be sitting here waiting for him to come around. I think these are unhealthy relationships when someone chooses to take all this space and time to figure out where they want to be. If its not working it just isnt working and maybe its time for me to just face it. We will see if he gets his things today since I opened up my big mouth that I cant seem to keep shut. What now? go back in to NC. One thing that I think about - it's kind of stupid to think this way, but he has a huge tattoo of my name on the back of his neck in block letters.
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 I wasn't rude or mean to him, so that is a plus....
homebrew Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 My analysis is that if he wants to call you, he can. If he wants to sleep with you, he can. If he wants to say "okay, now no more contact", he can. If he wants to change his mind and talk to you anyway, he can. Empowering for him. Bad for you.
DarkAngel7 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Homebrew I understand what you are saying. Just because something happened a certain way in the past, doesn't mean it will again. I think her man got used to the fights, then leaving, only to be welcomed back after. He needs to work harder for it this time! And I feel Butterfly you are WORRYING too much. You are spending too much time thinking about him and what he's doing. Don't check his phone etc. Just do you. The more you think about what he is doing, the worse you feel the more you worry. USE THIS TIME TO YOUR ADVANTAGE. You can do it. Fill your time with things you like to do, even if they are just little things. To be honest I don't know what the argument was about(and don't expect you to share) but it is a bit harder to judge the situation. Don't text him!!!! DON'T!!! This isn't NC since you aren't broken up. It is just avoiding drama and getting yourself feeling better. Wait for him to reach out in a big way. You have already done enough work, it's time to rest.
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Thank you both. I understand what you both are saying. As for worrying, yes I do that very well. I am trying and you have helped me. the NC thing hasn't worked well for me but I can start new every time i mess up. He text me again asking what will be different in our relationship if he comes home because he is tired of how I take things to the extreme. I let him know if we are going to save our relationship, we need to talk in person. I am leaving it at that. But wow - this is not all me. Dark Angel you were right about he was doing things to make me unhappy. He doesn't see that? Will he ever? He thinks he is perfect in this whole matter and that makes me even more angry. Right now I do need to focus on me because this has been taken too far and I need some space and time to see what I really want. Feeling very sad though.
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 NO CONTACT! I have to do it. If he wants a woman like me, not perfect, but a damn great lady, he will need to work harder for me. Homebrew, you opened my eyes......he is walking all over me and I have allowed it.
homebrew Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 (edited) Thank you both. I understand what you both are saying. As for worrying, yes I do that very well. I am trying and you have helped me. the NC thing hasn't worked well for me but I can start new every time i mess up. He text me again asking what will be different in our relationship if he comes home because he is tired of how I take things to the extreme. I let him know if we are going to save our relationship, we need to talk in person. I am leaving it at that. But wow - this is not all me. Dark Angel you were right about he was doing things to make me unhappy. He doesn't see that? Will he ever? He thinks he is perfect in this whole matter and that makes me even more angry. Right now I do need to focus on me because this has been taken too far and I need some space and time to see what I really want. Feeling very sad though. Questions for you: 1. How old are you and him? 2. You are a Priceless Treasure! Why have you lost site of that? 3. Have you ever read the book "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend? If not, I strongly encourage you and anyone on this forum to read it. Go check out what all the people say about it on amazon. Even if you are not a Christian... This book is awesome and will change ALL of your relationships (Bf/gf's, exes, husbands/wives, family, friends, co-workers, etc.) for the better! It's Life changing! If you grew up in a broken home, one that was not loving, substance abuse, etc. then you have no clue as to what is "normal" and "healthy"... So for you, this is a MUST READ! It will be Life Changing! Edited March 29, 2011 by homebrew
DarkAngel7 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Homebrew has great advice, and I just found out he knows about LOA:) LOA is what saves me lol
homebrew Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Homebrew has great advice, and I just found out he knows about LOA:) LOA is what saves me lol Laws of Attraction? I only have one really... I am me! Other than that... I don't know anything more than that. But thanks for the props!
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Yes he does have great advice. Although I have to come to terms with the fact that I have treated my man terrible. He has treated me great for the most part. That is the truth. He may not be perfect and do everything I want, and that is my biggest mistake I make with people is I expect them to be perfect and do everything my way. I just seen him. He said he didn't want to be with me anymore so I went to his shop which is down the street from my job and we talked. He asked how come I am so mean to him and I can throw him away so easily and change my mind. I think he is being sensitive to arguments and forgets taht hey, people argue and they make up and get over it all the time. He doesn't feel like I support what he does and that I don't trust him. Well, I am guilty off all of that but I caught him in a couple of lies in the past, so of course I don't trust him to a certain extent. He told me that him and I have a good relationship meaning we both love each other alot. He said his heart is aching to come home but his mind is telling him that its not a good idea. I mentioned to him that I do not feel like I am first in his life and he said I am and wondered how come I dont feel that way. Well he is gone alot doing what he needs to do to get this shop going and we used to be together alot. I feel closer to him in a way but further away from him in another way. He had to leave because he was taking his friend to the eye doctor. He asked me to come back after I got off of work. So I might go back over to talk. Whether we work things out or not, I have to fight for what I don't really want to let go of. I'm not ready to let go of our relationship. So confused.....relationships take work and I usually run away from that, this time I want to not run. I want to be happy with the man I love and I want to make him feel happy with me. I need some work just like anyone else. If its not meant to be it wont be...... if it is, it will be.... just not ready to let go... Then when he was leaving, he took some little packet out of his pocket, it was a fruit snack pack from the house....he was there.....probably picking up underwear...
homebrew Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Sounds to me like he is still open to trying again... Since you are the dumper and the cause for the break up... Then get your stuff together! Your comment that you expect people to be perfect and do things your way... is totally unhealthy and not fair to them or you. You do not own him or control him and you can't change him. You shouldn't want too! Let him be himself... If he doesn't do it for you... Then let the poor guy go and go find someone else.
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 It is definately unhealthy for me to expect that, I know. And yes i need to get my stuff together because it isn't something i like about myself. He does do it for me, but of course he can't be my everything and give me all i need. I need to be responsible for my own happiness. I have learned alot in this relationship and we both have been very patient with each other. He is a nice person and although not perfect, he does deserve to be loved way better than I have been doing.
homebrew Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 (edited) He does do it for me, but of course he can't be my everything and give me all i need. I need to be responsible for my own happiness. There you GO!!!! You figured out the issue... That is HUGE! Now what are you going to do about it? I suggest you reading through the Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being Forum and take a lot of notes and apply what you learn. Let your BF know what you learned... What the problem is and how you plan on solving it. He can assist you in this journey... All you need to do is get LIFE BALANCE!' This will solve your issue of making your BF your everything and him being responsible for your happiness. Try adding some hobbies and interests into your life. How about learning the paino, dance classes, painting classes, volunteering, charity work, etc. If you don't have a lot of GF's... Figure out how you can make some and go do it. Go out and do things with them, talk to them on a daily basis. Don't forget your family either... make sure you are spending time with them, talking with them, etc. Go join a gym and take kick boxing or cycling, go run some 5ks, get your nails done, go get facials, go join a sports league and play kick ball, etc. If you can share the problem with your BF, how it affected you and what steps you are going to take AND FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THEM! You can so get your boy back! This is such an EASY issue to solve and can be done in a matter of weeks. All you have to do is take a day or so and book yourself all kind of cool things you always wanted to do / try. Consider yourself lucky that you have a patient and understanding BF... Make sure you tell him so! Go get some Life Balance Girl.... You will be SO happy and feel like a much more complete / whole person. Your BF will be THRILLED! Edited March 30, 2011 by homebrew
DarkAngel7 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Wow I am so similar to Butterfly.... I expect perfection, and I snap when it isn't that way. Although my guy hasn't done everything right, neither have I. I don't think I have life balance. Ever since I moved out here, without family or my lifelong close friends...I haven't been myself. I break easily, I argue easily. I think it is because I feel he is my only support. It is too much pressure on him, he's not even my husband! I need to fix my life, I am starting up my belly dancing classes again. I am taking some classes, and will be starting a new job soon. I don't feel as though I am healthy because of the way that I am living. I have always been someone to easily make friends, but because of certain circumstances I havn't in this new city. If I do it seems to be guys. I want some new Girlfriends. Hope all goes well Butterfly
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 great advice homebrew, thank you. I need to do that whether we work out or not. But right now he is playing games as you can read in my new post. He has said all of this today: How can we make things different No I dont want to be with you anymore, sorry I love you so much my heart tells me to go home Then he came to get stuff today and I asked him if he took everything he wants from here. HIs response? no cause he wants to see how things work out. He asked me to come back to his shop after work, then he decides to put his friend first and tells me he can see me tomorrow. Then we talk on the phone and he says he will call me when he gets out of the docs office with his friend. WOW..... I cannot handle this. TO me i didnt kill anyone, why does he feel the need to punish me over an argument? Im done with this for right now. I come first and I need to take care of ME. My phone is off and will stay off. My little boy has a phone he doesnt use and I will use that for the mean time so I can stay strong and go for the NO CONTACT. No more hurting for me. This is ridiculous. I'm not going to be put last in a relationship any longer. I deserve better. I deserve what I put out and I am not getting that. I know him and deep down he doesnt want to lose me, so hey let him come to me with what I have been fighting for this whole time. The reason for our argument in the first place.
homebrew Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Butterfly, Take a DEEP Breath... Hold it for 10 seconds and let it out... Now do it again... You need to get a hold of yourself! You are being WAY TO OBSESSIVE about this and you are suffocating him and driving him away! Your BF isn't going anywhere... but if you do not get a hold of yourself... Your crazy behavior and actions will DRIVING HIM AWAY forever! Please listen for your own sake... You have to look ahead and at the bigger picture here. Not what is happening now or in the next five minutes. He isn't going anywhere... All of what he is saying / doing is just noise or he is reacting off of you. So once you get a grip of yourself and chill out... He will too! You acknowledge what your issue is... You need life balance. You need it... He wants you to have it. Until you correct this issue... You will not get him back or keep any new guy for any length of time. This is a very easy problem to solve and it can be done in a very short amount of time. Leave him alone for a few days... Let things settle down. You both are talking past one another at the moment. Go do what I told you above... Focus on you for the next two days! That is all it will take... Go learn about why Life Balance is important... Search the internet... You will find that is why / what your problem is. Look at the symptoms of someone with out Life Balance... Do you recognize the person? That's right... She is staring back to you in the mirror. This is all your BF wants for you... To get a "life" outside of him... The pressure and burden you put on him is to much for one person to bear and it is not his responsibility either. Go read in the Wellness thread.... Take notes. Go read about Life Balance... Take notes Apply what you learn! In a couple of days... At the very latest, you will hear from your BF. This is when you tell him in a calm, clear and friendly manner... Share with him what you have learned and why your issue has caused the problems that the two of you are having. Tell him the plan and steps that you have come up with to take care of the issue... Ask him if there are any other ideas, hobbies or interests that he can think of that you would enjoy (after all, he knows you best). Don't attack him, don't ask him questions, don't beg, don't criticize him, don't say anything aside from what you learned and what you are going to do. Don't be surprised if he doesn't want to help you and be a part of this journey! I have dated women like you before... All I ever tried and wanted was to get them to be "normal" and "healthy" so that we both could enjoy the relationship... The ones that addressed their problem... We went on to have a wonderful and meaningful relationship. The point is... You and your BF can too. Just chill out, calm down, do your homework, share with him what you learned WHEN HE CONTACTS YOU in the next day or so.... and get to it! I promise you... He isn't going anywhere.... Just give him a breather for a few days and pull yourself together. If you listen to what I am telling you... He will be back by your side in no time! Seriously... Take several deep breaths and focus all of the energy and passion on learning about people like you that have no live balance or support system aside from a BF / GF. You will be amazed what you learn and you will see why you think / act the way you do. Trust me... You will have all of this resolved in a couple of weeks or you can continue to go your route... The choice is yours...
DarkAngel7 Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Homebrew....great advice. It applies to me as well. I am not sure about her situation but I have no support system where I am.
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