lightoftruth83 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 In my intro post, New Kid on the Block, someone was asking me to share my story of the stbx...so, all of you who haven't caught enough hell on this fine Monday, sit back, relax, and enjoy my funny hellish story... Lets start somewhere interesting~ I walked in the front door of my condo, my home. It was a cold day in November 2007. Behind me was a swarm of patrol cars, but only one officer stood between me and "C." It was a bizarre scene...she was on the phone with my husband, calling him to ask him to come "home." "C's" mom was in my kitchen, cleaning out my cupboards and sweeping the floor. My older brother was there too....I was screaming at her, telling her what a (*&%^&(^%&^%&^$*&%$ wh*re she was...I imagine everyone in the complex could hear what was going on, but in my mind everything was in slow motion...My husband came home from work. Between us stood 5 officers; he looked at me as though he wanted to kill me. That look alone wasn't unfamiliar. After all, I had been sleeping downstairs on the couch for a couple months, while he slept upstairs in bed with a loaded assault rifle next to him. The affair had gone on for months...started when I was 6 months pregnant. The affair wasn't what killed us. Bankruptcy, losing the condo and the motorcycle wasn't what killed us. Having a baby didn't do it. His depression and hospitalization didn't do it. His subsequent suspension from work for 10 months was a strain, but didn't break us. Not being able to get pregnant again didn't seem to kill the marriage. His addictions didn't destroy it. The screaming tyrades late into the night didn't help, but it wasn't the cause of our demise. We moved, 3 times; each time thinking a new place would help. We had counselors, a dozen of them and a priest that we met with on an increasingly regular basis--to no avail. We had family and friends praying for us constantly...and I prayed until I had no prayers left to pray. But, I will tell you what DOES break a marriage. It lies somewhere between the edge of truth and a dark existence shadowed in untruth. I met B (my stbx) when I was in Medic school. I was already defying my mom by pursuing my post-high-school education...it was her idea that women should be married and have babies. So B came along and I did just that...within 9 months (and just 6 weeks after the passing of my father) we were married. We got pregnant right away. It wasn't long after that the fighting began as I started to notice things that just didn't add up. Just for example, I wanted to frame his military medals as a gift for our first Xmas....he was unable to produce them (and I would later find out that the supposed 5 years he spent in the Army as a SSgt, including 9months in Afghanistan never existed either.) There was of course, by the time I was 6 months preggers the affair...and from my best estimation, multiple affairs. At different points in my marriage I was the wife of a soon to be FBI agent, an IL state police officer, an Alaska state trooper, a nuclear Naval recruit, a Nuclear operator candidate, a soldier--who was being reactivated to go on a rescue mission overseas...you get the idea. And it became embarrassing to tell my family each time I found out the truth that I really wasn't going to be moving out of state after all... Lies, millions of lies that he could tell just as easily as you could tell the truth is what killed us. I could look him dead in the face and say, "I know you are lying. I will not get angry if you just tell me the truth now and we can discuss this." It didn't matter...If you walk outside, most of you will see a dark sky and maybe some stars...He would argue that the sky is pink with purple polka dots and be 1000% convinced that he is right. I can laugh about it all now. I went a long way down the wrong road, thought about laying down and dying on that road...I think the vultures were even circling above my head at one point lol...Until I realized I wasn't going to die, I was just in a sick sick sick relationship...so I got out of it. I drove home tonight down the road on the shore of the lake. There are still huge chunks of ice out there, but the sun was setting and making all the ice shine...I smiled, I haven't been able to enjoy a sunset in years. And, after I get done blogging lol, there's a cupcake and a shot of tequila with my name on it. I'm celebrating, cuz my life doesn't suck even with what I've been through...I'm a survivor, and I have an AWESOME life!!
unsureLP Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Thank you for sharing. It must be so surreal trying to live with lies like that. I'm glad you were able to get out and I'm happy to hear you are doing well, enjoying the sunset. It's a beautiful sight, isn't it? Enjoy your cupcake and tequila.
Duckduckgoose Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 One of the things that can pull me under quickly and has thus been avoided since exH left is alcohol. I am too Irish for my own good sometimes and both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. After every breakup I would drown myself in the bottle and it would feel good, but it never got anything really solved and my sorrows and problems were waiting for me after I got sober again. Well, when exH left I decided this time was going to be different. No drinking him away, going to counselling, working to make myself a better person. I agree with the cupcake though... except on this end it's chocolate... and it has to be DARK. Especially around that time of month. I realized today I am going to have to ban Goober from my apartment like I banned Nutella. Both of them are so good I spend the day craving more.
Author lightoftruth83 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 One of the things that can pull me under quickly and has thus been avoided since exH left is alcohol. I am too Irish for my own good sometimes and both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. After every breakup I would drown myself in the bottle and it would feel good, but it never got anything really solved and my sorrows and problems were waiting for me after I got sober again. Well, when exH left I decided this time was going to be different. No drinking him away, going to counselling, working to make myself a better person. I agree with the cupcake though... except on this end it's chocolate... and it has to be DARK. Especially around that time of month. I realized today I am going to have to ban Goober from my apartment like I banned Nutella. Both of them are so good I spend the day craving more. **DDG*** thanx for sharing about ur struggles...alcohol can certainly do crazy stuff to ya. I have a belief that every emotion writes a story on our heart, but none more passionately than pain. If we block out the pain, we lose part of our own story...and for some people they end up going back and back and back to a bad relationship or situation because they've learned inappropriate ways to deal with pain... As a medic I've witnessed far too many young people with life-threatening problems because they have no liver left. So yeah, I too have to keep a leash on my Irish a** lol. I'm also Catholic, and for Lent I gave up chocolate (somedays, I think I just might go a little crazy!) So, enjoy some for me!!
trippi1432 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Hi LightofTruth - saw your other thread and posts and came here to read your story, all I can say is WOW!! You have such a great outlook for someone who has been through so much, good for you. Did they ever diagnose your ex with what his mental issues were?
tinktronik Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Good luck OP. I was once engaged and planning a wedding to a man who lived in much the fantasy world your stbx is living in. I ran like heck the moment I found out so much of who he was was a lie. I never looked back and am so grateful for it. You will make it through this. Keep your positive outlook going.
2.50 a gallon Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 (edited) lot83 Your story sounds similar to that of my neighbor of 30 years ago, He was this slob of an alcoholic, married to this unbelievably, nice, sweet, beautiful young career woman. They had just had a kid, and being as she was making great money, he was playing "Mr. Mom". It was scary as he was always rolling around drunk by the time she got home Like clock work every three months he would go on a bender, threaten to shoot himself, or the world. And in the early morning I would be awaken to the bull horn, telling us residents to stay in our apartments, and upon looking out would see the SWAT team once again hiding behind the big trees in front of my apartment, pointing their weapons on the second floor straight across from me. Then he would follow their instructions, walk backwards out of his apartment, holding his rifle above his head, lay in on the ground and walk away from it. Three months later the scene would be repeated with the same rifle. They kept giving it back to him, because he needed it to feel safe in his apartment. You see, he was an ex-Vietnam POW, and was still suffering withdrawal. He quite often got his picture in the newpaper on the news as he led the Veterans day parade in his military uniform. His injuries would not let him do physcial work, but he had a great and well paying job promised him as the limo driver for the governor. But they would have to move over a hundred miles away. His dad was a famous World War 2 flying ace, but alas both of his parents were deceased and he had grown up in an orphanage, then gone into the army and later Vietanam. His world began to collapse, when one day his wife answered the door to find an elderly couple wanting to see their grandson. His parents were not dead, his dad had never flown a plane, much less served in WW2 or the army. And he himself had never been in the army, much less a POW. He again appeared in the news as his POW lies were exposed. He was again arrested, this time for numerous charges including wearing a uniform in the parade, etc. This time they finally took his rifle away from him for good. She stuck with him and footed his legal bills. Later they sued the apartment complex. He told everybody that they had won. Not so, his wife was shocked to find out they had 24 hours to vacate. I never understood her, as she was intelligent, had a great career, was at least 10 years younger than him, and was way out of his league when it came to looks. Ten years later I bumped into her and she was still with him. Edited April 2, 2011 by 2.50 a gallon
Author lightoftruth83 Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Hi LightofTruth - saw your other thread and posts and came here to read your story, all I can say is WOW!! You have such a great outlook for someone who has been through so much, good for you. Did they ever diagnose your ex with what his mental issues were? trippi~ I'm humbly appreciative! My ex was diagnosed at least once...we saw a board licensed psychologist who attended the same church as us...so he was doing us a favor and "diagnosing under the table" if you will. He said ex had anxious depression...which only explained the 50 phone calls a day...and ex refused to get on meds...and since it was off the record, who's to say it really happened? Somehow, twelve counselors missed the compulsive lying, story telling, multiple personalities...and it became too much to try to convince them...too much emotionally and financially. So, I went beyond drawing lines in the sand...I started writing in blood so to speak lol. I told him this needs to change or divorce is waiting for you at the end of this road. After our son got put in harms way, there was no more discussing it...It was done. Now I just try to put those thousands of dollars of therapy to good use and pass on little tidbits of what I've learned. Peace & Love J
updown Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 i needed to read this tonight. thank you! keep pushing forward!!
Steadfast Posted April 3, 2011 Posted April 3, 2011 Honest and sad, but inspiring as well. It's as if we sometimes love the spouse more than they love themselves. But loving, and choosing to love are different things. FWIW, I think you did the right thing. Please tell us how the child is and what's next?
Author lightoftruth83 Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 Honest and sad, but inspiring as well. It's as if we sometimes love the spouse more than they love themselves. But loving, and choosing to love are different things. FWIW, I think you did the right thing. Please tell us how the child is and what's next? Thanks Steadfast. You're right, loving and choosing to love are different things. I read a really really good book called Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie. It detailed how despite the insanity, it is possible to go on loving someone. I believe that, but only partially. I think if someone is that deranged, they need love--just a different kind than hot sex, baby making and playing house. And so I continue to love stbx, but from a distance, a great big distance and mostly out of respect that he helped bring about the one human being I would die for. Read on in my new post, No Cupcakes, No Tequila, No Party...Just Life Everafter Peace & Love J
updown Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 love from a distance. that's so spot on. that's what i had to do. couldn't do it in the same space anymore....... can't even really be friends. but, that doesn't mean i have to be cruel, or mean, just means i have to love them as the person they are, and from a distance. that healthy perspective will help you, and your son. and it will help you have relationships in the future. like you said, you very well might end up with all those kids you hoped for! continue healing!
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