Devastated by EA

[ChocCheesecake]

I have been a lurker on Loveshack for months, and have found everyone's experiences and insights to be most helpful during the time I was in an EA.

 

Honestly, I don't know if it has ended...and I don't know what I expect in terms of feedback from you all, but I need an outlet to get this out right now.

 

I am married, happily. Kids. No affairs in our past, no major drama. We have a pretty passionate sex life.

Enter married coworker....we became "friends" (though I have to question if we ever were). Joking became flirting, compliments became sexier flirting....but at the same time we'd talk to each other, sharing personal information. I think his marriage is ok, he seems to feel like wife "takes care" of him. He needs attention (I have learned this over the course of our EA), and I think his wife does not give him as much as he needs (which I think would be impossible for one person to do, given how he is).

We'd talk at work, go to lunch occasionally, text, talk on phone, etc. Acknowledged sexual attraction....he said he would never cross physical line b/c he wouldn't want to hurt wife b/c she is so good to him. I enjoy the flirting, love the attention, and am more attracted to him than I can express in words. I have grown to care for him a great deal.

 

But he has been very inconsistent, as seems typical from what I've read around here. 1 day interested, the next not. He is typically the one to initiate contact....he'll call me, for example. I text him, and 1/2 the time he totally ignores me. I've told him that I miss our "old" friendship and and he plays dumb, and tells me I am too sensitive and/or moody. I'll think he is disinterested and finished for good, but I always hear from him again. Lately, though, when I hear from him he is not as sweet and flirty like he used to be, but he still initiates contact. One time he may not initiate contact again, and the thought of that makes me sick.

 

This push/pull game has been devastating to me. I find myself very down in the dumps, depressed, questioning my worth....my friends and husband ask me what's wrong, and I lie and say PMS or tired from my new workout schedule. I don't know why I've become so emotionally attached to MM - the more distant he is to me, the more I want him in my life.

 

I lie to myself and say we might be able to be friends w/out it affecting my marriage. I'm sure it has affected my marriage already.

 

What is motivating MM at this point? How can I get my head back on straight? Another job is not in the cards right now.

 

Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

Since you say you love your H and your marriage is a happy one, it makes me think that you just put yourself in a situation where you allowed yourself to become TOO attached to another man..A MM. You got used to the fun and flirty dynamic and now it's not there as much. It's like he fed your ego as much as you fed his. A habit and now its not the same, you're feeling the withdrawal, and you miss it enough that others are noticing something isn't quite right with you.

 

You DO know what you're doing would upset your H, I'm sure if he was doing what you are doing, it would make you feel awful, feel jealous and wonder if your H was having a full on affair as well.

 

Something is broken inside of you. To need the attention of another man to make you feel good, and now that man is gone, has left an emptiness. your H should be making you feel good! That's the key to all this! If you put that same energy into your husband, went out on fun dates, flirted, made out in the car, held hands etc, then this married guy wouldn't phase you.

 

Is your husband suspicious? I wonder if he's 'wondered' if you're cheating on him. Never say never..

[whichwayisup]

Your MM knows that you're getting too attached to him and he's doing the typical cat/mouse game. Show too much interest in him, he'll back off and disappear..Then you back off, he'll come looking for you. It's HIS way of keeping you interested, keeping you on your toes, keeping you guessing. It's a game, an ego feed.

 

Question is, IS this cat and mouse game worth losing what you have with your H? I doubt you LOVE this MM. You're just too emotionally attached to him and crossed the lines with him by having inappropriate conversations.

[mizliz]

Since you say you love your H and your marriage is a happy one, it makes me think that you just put yourself in a situation where you allowed yourself to become TOO attached to another man..A MM. You got used to the fun and flirty dynamic and now it's not there as much. It's like he fed your ego as much as you fed his. A habit and now its not the same, you're feeling the withdrawal, and you miss it enough that others are noticing something isn't quite right with you.

 

You DO know what you're doing would upset your H, I'm sure if he was doing what you are doing, it would make you feel awful, feel jealous and wonder if your H was having a full on affair as well.

 

Something is broken inside of you. To need the attention of another man to make you feel good, and now that man is gone, has left an emptiness. your H should be making you feel good! That's the key to all this! If you put that same energy into your husband, went out on fun dates, flirted, made out in the car, held hands etc, then this married guy wouldn't phase you.

 

Is your husband suspicious? I wonder if he's 'wondered' if you're cheating on him. Never say never..

 

chocCheesecake - this is excellent advice.

[Emme]

Ahhh ... the game of I don't care about you and I hardly have any feelings for you. That's how the web begins because now you want more than ever to move forward and he's allowed himslef to be in control. You are not the one in control and he knows this. He will toy with you. I say you have just found someone who made you feel like a woman again. Not a mom or a wife, a sexy woman. You are being groomed, I know you think it's friendly chatter but there is more to come. The wanting will build into more and the next level will be sex. I think you can fight these emotions since you are in the early stages but you have to want to. I say start distancing yourself from him. Don't hang out together and find a new female friend. Sorry about your heart strings being pulled but the bright side is this relationship is new.

[ChocCheesecake]

Interesting...the whole cat/mouse thing and what you're describing, Emme, are spot on....but it seems so calculated. I know at times I can be naive though. I tend to take things at face value.

 

So basically when I reach out to him, he thinks something like "oh this pathetic woman is so into me" and backs off? I find myself caring so much about what he thinks of me.

 

I really do suspect this time there will be no more contact from him, other than professional. That is for the best, bc I don't have the fortitude right now to resist.

 

This is going to make me look even worse as a person, but it's almost like I've compartmentalized this, and in a way I tell myself it has nothing to do with my husband/marriage. If MM were more consistent, I would keep it going, at least the EA part. The highs are so high....but the lows keep getting lower. I have read months of threads and have seen nothing good come out of situations like this, yet I tell myself our situation could be different.

[Pilates]

You've probably read my thread since you say you've read them all, but take it from someone who was in an almost identical situation (except I am single)....GET OUT NOW. You're lucky to have a great husband, maybe you're getting the X-year itch or something, but I bet the feelings for your coworker are not really all that strong. WWIU is right - it is probably about the ego, feeling sexy by another, knowing "you've still got it," as I read in another thread somewhere.

 

I have learned more than I wanted to know about affairs from this forum, and like me, you seem to want to know why MM is the way he is. Who knows. Really, who cares? He probably started by thinking you're a nice and attractive woman, but once he realized his feelings for you in this light, it almost makes you the enemy....he can't like you too much or get too close or else risk cheating and jeopardizing his marriage, etc etc.

 

Just know that you will get thrown under the bus in a split second if MM thinks his W may have found out or if he feels close to getting caught. I have read that over and over here, and also if my MM's W does in fact suspect, I see it 1st hand in a (thankfully) less extreme way.

 

Funny, b/c I feel like I can see your situation clearly and give advice, even though when it comes to my situation, it is so different and unique, blah blah blah. The posters here are really great though and hopefully can shake you back to your senses quicker than I was. I try to stay positive by telling myself that every day I think about him is one more day taking me away from meeting my own "MM" - who will one day be M to me.

[ver13]

Interesting...the whole cat/mouse thing and what you're describing, Emme, are spot on....but it seems so calculated. I know at times I can be naive though. I tend to take things at face value.

 

So basically when I reach out to him, he thinks something like "oh this pathetic woman is so into me" and backs off? I find myself caring so much about what he thinks of me.

 

I really do suspect this time there will be no more contact from him, other than professional. That is for the best, bc I don't have the fortitude right now to resist.

 

This is going to make me look even worse as a person, but it's almost like I've compartmentalized this, and in a way I tell myself it has nothing to do with my husband/marriage. If MM were more consistent, I would keep it going, at least the EA part. The highs are so high....but the lows keep getting lower. I have read months of threads and have seen nothing good come out of situations like this, yet I tell myself our situation could be different.

In all of this you have never expressed any desire to end this game that you are involved in and get back to your happy M life. I mean it's all about you and the MM not you and your H or your two kids. All M couple's go through up's and down's but they can't go on if one of them feels the need to establish and EA that adds nothing of value to the primary relationship. If you have gotten to the point in which you have put communication with someone outside of your M in front, you are setting your M up for failure. The MM is just that M and so are you with all that comes with it, do something about your relationship with your H first like trying to deepen your foundation. I have been faced with this myself and I asked myself how would my W feel if she know that I was getting involved with something like this? What would my kids say? how would they feel? So I stopped it ASAP before any real damage could occur to my M. In the end it was the right thing to do for me, as for you the choice is your's.

[MLC64]

I have been a lurker on Loveshack for months, and have found everyone's experiences and insights to be most helpful during the time I was in an EA.

 

Honestly, I don't know if it has ended...and I don't know what I expect in terms of feedback from you all, but I need an outlet to get this out right now.

 

I am married, happily. Kids. No affairs in our past, no major drama. We have a pretty passionate sex life.

Enter married coworker....we became "friends" (though I have to question if we ever were). Joking became flirting, compliments became sexier flirting....but at the same time we'd talk to each other, sharing personal information. I think his marriage is ok, he seems to feel like wife "takes care" of him. He needs attention (I have learned this over the course of our EA), and I think his wife does not give him as much as he needs (which I think would be impossible for one person to do, given how he is).

We'd talk at work, go to lunch occasionally, text, talk on phone, etc. Acknowledged sexual attraction....he said he would never cross physical line b/c he wouldn't want to hurt wife b/c she is so good to him. I enjoy the flirting, love the attention, and am more attracted to him than I can express in words. I have grown to care for him a great deal.

 

But he has been very inconsistent, as seems typical from what I've read around here. 1 day interested, the next not. He is typically the one to initiate contact....he'll call me, for example. I text him, and 1/2 the time he totally ignores me. I've told him that I miss our "old" friendship and and he plays dumb, and tells me I am too sensitive and/or moody. I'll think he is disinterested and finished for good, but I always hear from him again. Lately, though, when I hear from him he is not as sweet and flirty like he used to be, but he still initiates contact. One time he may not initiate contact again, and the thought of that makes me sick.

 

This push/pull game has been devastating to me. I find myself very down in the dumps, depressed, questioning my worth....my friends and husband ask me what's wrong, and I lie and say PMS or tired from my new workout schedule. I don't know why I've become so emotionally attached to MM - the more distant he is to me, the more I want him in my life.

 

I lie to myself and say we might be able to be friends w/out it affecting my marriage. I'm sure it has affected my marriage already.

 

What is motivating MM at this point? How can I get my head back on straight? Another job is not in the cards right now.

 

Thank you.

 

I can't help but wonder if our MM is the same person, you have described him to a "T". It is a horrible feeling, I can emathized....it is exactly how I feel. It isn't right to allow any of this to happen and to feel like this....I would suggest to get out now, stop the insanity b/f it goes further. Just my humble two cents... good luck and come here for support, people here are amazing, but you HAVE to listen and do what is suggested or you will keep on feeling horrible.....

[Happy Finally]

Interesting...the whole cat/mouse thing and what you're describing, Emme, are spot on....but it seems so calculated. I know at times I can be naive though. I tend to take things at face value.

 

So basically when I reach out to him, he thinks something like "oh this pathetic woman is so into me" and backs off? I find myself caring so much about what he thinks of me.

 

I really do suspect this time there will be no more contact from him, other than professional. That is for the best, bc I don't have the fortitude right now to resist.

 

This is going to make me look even worse as a person, but it's almost like I've compartmentalized this, and in a way I tell myself it has nothing to do with my husband/marriage. If MM were more consistent, I would keep it going, at least the EA part. The highs are so high....but the lows keep getting lower. I have read months of threads and have seen nothing good come out of situations like this, yet I tell myself our situation could be different.

 

These few words are so true. The highs are all really high. It's like a drug and you just want more.

 

We all tell ourselves that it will be different. Most of us have read others situations on here and have gone...that won't happen to me. The worst part...it is happening, we see it happening but we jut don't resist. We want it to keep going and we will not stop until we hurt ourselves. Some on here have gotten out...

 

Take the advice of those who have already gone through it...I didn't and I am in deeper than I ever would have thought. Not saying I'm miserable or sad...but it will probably end up that way.

[bestplayer]

Interesting...the whole cat/mouse thing and what you're describing, Emme, are spot on....but it seems so calculated. I know at times I can be naive though. I tend to take things at face value.

 

So basically when I reach out to him, he thinks something like "oh this pathetic woman is so into me" and backs off? I find myself caring so much about what he thinks of me.

 

I really do suspect this time there will be no more contact from him, other than professional. That is for the best, bc I don't have the fortitude right now to resist.

 

This is going to make me look even worse as a person, but it's almost like I've compartmentalized this, and in a way I tell myself it has nothing to do with my husband/marriage. If MM were more consistent, I would keep it going, at least the EA part. The highs are so high....but the lows keep getting lower. I have read months of threads and have seen nothing good come out of situations like this, yet I tell myself our situation could be different.

 

I think the best solution for you would be to end your marriage & keep the affair with MM going .

 

Best of luck

[ChocCheesecake]

What is motivating MM at this point? How can I get my head back on straight? Another job is not in the cards right now.

 

What is motivating MM is irrelevant. The question is, what is motivating you?

 

You state that you're happily married. So why go down this road? What is it that you're getting from this that you can't get elsewhere (i.e. yourself or through your M)?

 

I ask because the answer to getting your head on straight lies with you. You have to identify what it is you get from this and find a way to get it from your REAL life so that this (whatever "this" may be) isn't dependent on MM. You eliminate the need for him...that's how you get your head back on straight.

 

I think what I get from this is a sense of excitement, that someone finds me attractive and desirable and he DOESN'T HAVE TO. He calls me/flirts because he wants to, even though he should't.

I know my husband loves me, finds me attractive...but what choice does he have? We have kids, a mortgage, etc...I feel like he loves/desires me by default.

To have this outside interest makes me feel like I am worth something. When MM cuts me off I feel like I am worth nothing.

I know how skewed this is...I know I have self-esteem issues and I've been in therapy to deal with them on and off my whole adult life. It's just been so long since I've had another man interested in me. It feels so good, yet when he pulls away it's the most painful thing.

[Shocking Pink]

OP, that's pretty weird actually. Didn't your husband have a choice to love you and want you from the beginning, or was it an arranged marriage? Even if it is an arranged marriage, he still doesn't HAVE to find you attractive or love you. He could choose to leave you, or have an affair, or live like roommates.