butterfly2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Ok so my son just called me. He got home from school and BF's clothes are still there, his mail is still there, and the dog is still there. So obviously he did not come by there to get his things. He wanted them so badly the other day or did he just want to argue? So he could have picked them up Thursday when no one was home and today. Errrrrr......now what do I do? I really don't think it is right for someone to expect to be able to have access if they don't want to be there. In the past he left things there so he has a way back in.....I'm just feeling a little angry and don't know how to feel about this situation at this point. If you wanted to have nothing to do with me, wouldn't you come and get your things? Games I tell you.....they suck
lapse Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 So that you do not become a piece of twine in his knot of games and so that this is not drawn out longer, here's my suggestion: Give him a set of dates and times over the next few days during which he can come and get his stuff. e.g., Tuesday, 9:00 AM - 5:00 PM, Wednesday, Noon - 5 PM, Thursday 6PM - 8 PM. Tell him that if he has not gotten his stuff by the end of the day on Thursday, you will box it up and put it outside of your door (or some other neutral place, even a garage if you have one). As for the dog, do you want the dog? I wouldn't just put the dog out, of course, but to me, a dog is much less hassle than the signifiers that are someone else's personal effects. And you can just let him know that you are not being mean but that, for the good of both of you, you would like to close this chapter as soon as possible.
Jerrica Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Butterfly! oh my gosh, I'm having the EXACT same problem as you!! my ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He has come twice to get his stuff, each time he only takes SOME of it and leaves a whole lot behind. SO I gave him a deadline, and this pizzed him off and he started to verbally abuse me. He assumed I needed his stuff out because I have a new boyfriend lol. Alright! think what you want! yesterday was his deadline, I gave him a weeks notice. He said he broke an axle on his truck and couldn't come yesterday. He goes, what's the big deal if it stays there it's not like it's gonna hurt you. That's not the point at all! He had many opportunities to get his things, and was given a deadline. He then came back with the verbal abuse again, called me a bunch of nasty names this hurt me but I didn't engage in it or reply. I have no idea what to do either!!!! What are you gonna do Butterfly? I'm at my wits end with it already! it makes no sense, they broke up with us so why don't they come get their stuff??!?!? Is yours being nasty to you when you bring it up too?
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 I asked him to leave in the heat of an argument. I did not end the relationship though but he told me that if I ever did that again he was gone for good. We seemed to have brought this unhealthy thing in to our relationship. Last year he just didn't come home one night and stayed gone for three and a half weeks. I begged him back. But when I was mad I told him to leave like twice. But he also left one other time without telling me cause he was fed up with me nagging about some stuff. I try to talk to him. We used to communicate so good, but he got to a point that when he didnt want to hear something i was saying he walked away and ignored me and that pissed me off. So that is what happened last wednesday night and I am sick of being ignored. My feelings count too in this relationship. Anyways he bitched and complained about his stuff so I told him he can get his stuff when I am gone. He thought I was trying to keep his stuff. But I have left it where it was, didn't change the locks and told him I cannot keep his dog. He said ok he will get all his stuff. Grant it I apologized and asked him to come home but he said I caused all of this, blah blah blah.....I just thought to myself, whatever he is being immature and I understand I was nagging and I told him to leave, but it was for a good reason. It was not because he left the seat up or something. I don't say anything about small stuff, it is always about important stuff and he just wants to blow it off. Your guy probably doesn't really want to be gone and doesn;t know how to apologize and ask for you back so he leaves his stuff there as a way back in but when he gets ready. If you dont want to be with him, pack it up and put it on the porch. If you do want to be with him and can forgive this BS, just dont talk to him right now, let him settle his anger, you settle yours and answer his calls only when you are ready, but sorry I would let him suffer. I would do this because he broke it off with you. We didnt break up, he never said it was over and neither did I, but right now I am so angry at this constant game. He knows he could have just come home but he likes the drama and wants to go do his own thing right now. But who knows, I am not going to be talking to him until he puts more effort in to even getting me to talk to him. Why when I told him to leave? Because I was fighting with him about something important and has meaning to our relationship. If he wants what I want in this specific situation he will have to do some work. I have done more than my share. It doesnt seem fair. And I am not going to beg anyone to love me the way I need to be loved. Boy the more I talk about this the angrier I get. Its better than sitting here crying, taking him back in and having the problem just reappear again and again. Something has to change something has to give. I deserve for him to put in more effort and if he decides not to, his stuff will be out on the porch too and locks will get changed. Today I feel ok with this, but each day is different ya know. It hurts, I love him and miss him, but some issues are real and not just small and cant be just wished away. Issues are real and they need to be addressed. I hope you figure out what to do, but seriously, just ignore him NC. if he wants his stuff and you are willing to talk to him, fine, if not, have him send someone else over or just put it on the porch for him. It really depends on where you are at when he decides the time is right for him to get his things. Tell yourself a cut off date and do what you have to do at that time. Never tell your plans though. That is one mistake us women do, we tell them our plans. Just keep your plans to yourself and let him make his own decisions and his own mistakes. Love yourself and DO YOU!
Jerrica Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I definitely know how you feel. I love him and miss him dearly as well. I WISH he would either just man up and apologize, or be civil with me and come get his things instead of leaving me in limbo here....and call me names when we are adults.....It's not fair. I just read more of your story in your other posts and realized you guys didn't actually break up. I think for your case you guys do need a good breather and no contact for at least a week to really clear your heads. Then once you are both calm you can come together to talk about things. I would say put a stop to the games of the ignoring back and forth because it's not healthy. Don't contact him, he will contact you when he is ready and then respond to him without showing too much emotion until he comes out and tells you what it is HE wants. In the meantime, try to do you as well!!!
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