Jane Deaux Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 From my MM pov. He did tell his best friend too. Albeit a bit slower and less details than I tell my best friend. His friend didn't approve. Didn't judge him harshly, but did tell him that he thought it was a mistake. Friend told MM something like, "well, I know it must be something because I know what you have at home and I know how you feel, so it must be big for you. But I think you may mess up the best thing you have in your life". So MM didn't tell him anything else, and hasn't since shared anything about us with the friend. The friend does not know the extent of the A. But he may be aware that it is still going on. Or MM could have told him he ended it. I don't know. But in the beginning, he did feel enough need to share that he did tell his best friend.
lovingwhatis Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Interestingly, I just remembered that the main person I confided in during the EA was my ex boyfriend, who at the time was in love with a MW. He was actually a little envious of my situation, because he hadn't told the MW about his feelings. Currently, I tell my other ex about it, who is the most open minded person, super empathic, and gives me great advice. Both of them haven't had As. I have also shared with friends and family. I feel that the isolation one may feel by not sharing with friends is mostly self-inflicted. A good friend will understand and empathize, that has been my experience. This topic is not as taboo that some seem to imply on LS. It is just another dot on the large human spectrum of circumstances.
Summer Breeze Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 XMM was no different to any R I had. I told friends and family about him and he met them all. They knew everything it was part of the deal. He knew I wasn't going to bury the R and hide it. He didn't have lots of friends but I met the ones he did and I met some of his close relatives. One time we were at dinner and a colleague of his W came in the restaurant and he was feeling very uneasy. I didn't give in to his unease and I made sure we had a nice evening as we had planned. He knew full well that if hed made an issue of it we would have ended. That happened before DDay 1.
Flabbergaster Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 male WS view here I think that it is crucial to have someone you can talk to without fear. Without that...you are effectively brainwashed and will stay "in the pain" for longer. Also if you are at the 'fooling yourself' stage, a friend will prompt you with good questiosn like 'so how long will this go on, without a divorce?' Anyone in an A that doesn't have a vent: please find someone that is discrete and nonjudgemental that you can talk to about this. Be careful...don't want someone that will spill your secrets. I talk about it with... -one (male) friend from HS. We had lost contact for years, started LC* a few years back. He's a good person who I can trust not to judge me, he's there for the pain (he's had seriously bad Rs himself), and he's going to give good advice, and is honest about his bias (save the marriage). -one (female) friend that i met during the affair. she had an affair herself, similar timeframe; like me she 'found love.' She knows how bad the pain can get. She knows about the moments where you...just cant' breath, your heart hurts so badly. So when those moments come, we reinforce each, push each other forward. Obviously we have to watch out for risk of EA; being in different cities helps. Also, neither of us wants this much pain a second time. We're too focused on helping each other survive the pain to start something stupid like that, haha. xOW: She had one female friend in an A that knew, from the beginning. I encouraged her to be completely honest with this person. I encouraged her to talk to others; she found two or three others to talk about. One of them a male that was 'casual acquaintance' and outside of her sphere of friends. It was important to me that she have a 'voice of reason' who would play devil's advocate with her, so I encouraged that. Also, she needed someone to talk to about pain, when it would come. Honestly, I am confident that she would have stayed in the A longer, if she didnt' have this vent. She would have stayed in the early 'it is all happy' phase longer, she would have chosen to 'suffer' in the later phase much, much longer. *using LC to mean 'light contact with a former best friend, both heterosexual' seems...slightly awkard.
East7 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 At the first stages of the A (0-3 months)I had no idea where this was going, I didn't feel the need to talk to anyone. But when the roller-coaster began, I started to feel the need to share my concerns so I confided about my A to a very few close friends. The more I talked about, the more I discovered how As are so common. My best buddy had an A with a MW, a female friend with a MM. I didn't know before I confided While they were supportive and empathic about my situation, all of them warned me that odds were that MW would never move and I was daydreaming and wasting my time. (Unfortunately for me) the facts proved they were right.. Confiding was very helpful to relieving the emotional burden. Had I kept it totally secret it would have been more painful and oppressing.
Bittersweetie Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I confided in one friend, who was a number of years older than me. I felt she wouldn't judge me, and most of my friends were younger than me and I didn't think they would understand. And though she didn't encourage me, she didn't call me out on my behavior either. Looking back, she basically reflected what I told her. I probably talked about my xOM too much with her because she was the only person I could talk to about him. After d-day, I didn't talk to her for a long time. I wasn't up to maintaining that relationship...plus I wondered too about what kind of person she was to not call me out on my poor choices. In the last couple of months we've emailed a few times and she's seemed almost disappointed that I am still with my H. Maybe she just liked hearing about the drama, and once I no longer provided that, I wasn't as valuable to her. So I decided that while I'm not going to push her out of my life, I'm not going to go out of my way to keep in touch either.
fooled once Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I'm a talker. I talk constantly about my relationship, (married) and always have, both the good and the bad as I am always seeking the perspective of others to help me learn and understand. I am not being snarky here, but rather was wondering, who do you speak to when in an affair? Is it a close girlfriend/s? A trusted family member? Because I have always believed it is a natural thing to do, yet, I certainly am not naive and understand the limitations and risks to doing so in an affair. Yet, I believe everyone has one person to share with, other than your AP. Am I wrong on this? It would seem terribly isolating to me have NO ONE to speak with. I am actually very close to my mom and she knew about it - didn't approve and was glad when I ended it, but she was the person I confided in. When he returned to his marital home after living on his own for a year, I didn't confide in anyone that I stayed in the relationship (outside of my mom). It wasn't something I wanted to admit nor did I want to be thought of as "that" kind of a person.
Leto Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 My best friend is currently in an affair as well. She and I talk constantly about our feelings as we are in the same boat and understand the ups and downs. My MM has confided in a few people. He has talked about me to random people. One is a person he uses as his alibi. One is one of his co-workers (she and her husband are his best friends) she has contacting me on occasion when he could not. He has also has talked about me with his friends while on business trips. I think more people know about me than know of him now that I think about it.
WorldIsYours Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I confided in one friend, who was a number of years older than me. I felt she wouldn't judge me, and most of my friends were younger than me and I didn't think they would understand. And though she didn't encourage me, she didn't call me out on my behavior either. Looking back, she basically reflected what I told her. I probably talked about my xOM too much with her because she was the only person I could talk to about him. Most likely she was disappointed in you, or maybe she was too shocked to say anything about it. And besides her calling you out on your behavior wouldn't make a difference on your actions. Instead of coming to her to rant off about the OM, you should've took that time to tell your husband what was going on. After d-day, I didn't talk to her for a long time. I wasn't up to maintaining that relationship...plus I wondered too about what kind of person she was to not call me out on my poor choices. She was never responsible for your actions you know that. You're always responsible for your actions. That's not her responsibility and that's unfair to lay blame to her, especially when you were the one doing the hurting. And I'm sure the feeling was mutual regarding her not wanting to talk to you. In the last couple of months we've emailed a few times and she's seemed almost disappointed that I am still with my H. Maybe she just liked hearing about the drama, and once I no longer provided that, I wasn't as valuable to her. So I decided that while I'm not going to push her out of my life, I'm not going to go out of my way to keep in touch either. Good. Maybe she can find better friends who don't blame her for their own issues.
Bittersweetie Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 She was never responsible for your actions you know that. You're always responsible for your actions. That's not her responsibility and that's unfair to lay blame to her, especially when you were the one doing the hurting. And I'm sure the feeling was mutual regarding her not wanting to talk to you. You're right, I am responsible for my own actions. I didn't mean for it to sound that way, but it did...I should've called myself out, directly to my H.
Shocking Pink Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I confide in my 2 best girlfriends about everything. EVERYTHING. I have also always confided in the guy I first referred to here as MM2. That's probably a big part of how we became in an EA, in the first place. My mama never knew about (ex) MM1 but she knows how I feel and have always felt about "MM2". She doesn't know he feels the same, yet, but she will.
Jane Deaux Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I confided in one friend, who was a number of years older than me. I felt she wouldn't judge me, and most of my friends were younger than me and I didn't think they would understand. And though she didn't encourage me, she didn't call me out on my behavior either. Looking back, she basically reflected what I told her. I probably talked about my xOM too much with her because she was the only person I could talk to about him. After d-day, I didn't talk to her for a long time. I wasn't up to maintaining that relationship...plus I wondered too about what kind of person she was to not call me out on my poor choices. In the last couple of months we've emailed a few times and she's seemed almost disappointed that I am still with my H. Maybe she just liked hearing about the drama, and once I no longer provided that, I wasn't as valuable to her. So I decided that while I'm not going to push her out of my life, I'm not going to go out of my way to keep in touch either. If you say she is older and wouldn't judge you then why would you expect her to call you out on your choices. I do not call anyone out on their choices. We are all grown people here and make our own decisions, and when you do get old enough, usually you see that. And if you were confiding in her just to have someone to talk to she could probably see that you weren't looking for her to berate you. Also, when you say she was disappointed in you still being in your marriage, it could possibly be because she listened to you complain about your marriage. And if you were so unhappy in your marriage to be in an affair maybe she thought you were settling by staying in the marriage. You say you didn't speak to her much after the A ended, then she had no way of knowing if you were happy now or just stayed out of obligation. Maybe she just still assumed you were settling and was concerned for your happiness. Maybe you could confide in her the same details that you did with your affair, the details of rebuilding your marriage. So she knows you really are happy.
Author Spark1111 Posted March 30, 2011 Author Posted March 30, 2011 I am happy most of you found someone to talk to! I think it interesting how some, when they confided and met some disapproval and/or judgement, ended the disclosing of details. It is no different for a BS. Some judge of us for staying, others for not. The aftermath of DDAy can be a huge rollercoaster for us BSs as we feel some shame and humiliation too. How did we not know? And those who have NOT experienced it insist to themselves they WOULD DEFINITELY know if their spouse was having an affair. So we feel stupid too. Many project their fears onto us and the advice is somewhat tainted. Even with all of it, I too experienced isolation in the aftermath of DDAy. I weighed talking with others about my situation, while balancing my children's right to privacy. It is, and will always be their father! No easy task! Thank you Dr. F for seeing me twice a week! However, in a BS's sitch, whatever we decide seems to be supported. I, too, could be seen for staying for the sake of the kids. Many support that position! how noble of her! What a great mother! Or, if I had divorced him, some others would say, "Jeez, who can blame her after what he did to her? I hope she finds a really nice guy to appreciate her. She deserves THAT." See what I mean? Now the MW I associate with will talk of their marriages, sometimes with complaint, sometimes with joy and security. But not too many details out of respect to their spouse. The single women, however, that I know, share way toooo much with each other, and sometimes me! Positions? Size? Sexual preferences? Hellooooooo...it's getting inappropriate here ladies! So I wonder about loneliness and the need to share the dating scene, and too many details, as they search for the "one" true love. And I think the affair compounds those feelings even more. If they do share with their friends or family, I assume they often have to leave out their partner is married. I guess the best confidant would have to be someone who has experienced the same thing. Or one who supports you no matter what. And that must be hard to find in an affair situation in RL.
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