jenny Posted April 3, 2004 Posted April 3, 2004 i am freaking out about expenses. i am so cheap, but i have no idea why i need to spend an ungodly amount of money on custard that is shaped like wildlife. i'm not doing it. i don't care if i have to call off yet *another* engagement, i'm not doing it. it's just one night!!!! <i'm stressed out, sorry, the check writing time is nigh > ok, please please humour me. how much did you all spend on your weddings, bottom line? i know this is not an attractive way to talk about this, but the hoard of sentiment is really friggin' eating into my rrsps. i need comparison and clarity; i can't do this anywhere but here. my family keeps giving me advice on 'giving it up' on my wedding night ( what the hell is a chastity negligee???? and dear g-d, i'm 27, and have lived with men!) instead of solid financial advice, which i need. also, it will be in a catholic church. i won't have been offically converted yet, (it takes years to be a good jew) but there is no way i'm promising to bring any offspring up as strict catholics when they could be jews or atheists in the freethinking society...any advice? anybody? my fiance just doesn't really care..his family is willing to pay for a lot as long as we have it in the church...they don't need sincerity, really; i'm not sure what to do. he's a die-hard atheist, if that helps, and feels religion is part of the normal annoying pageantry of things, he finds my religious curiousity and need kind of annoying, so i don't want to press it. i'm a bit of a mess, honestly, and have only a little over a month to decide all of this.
gaia Posted April 3, 2004 Posted April 3, 2004 Thousands! Split between two lots of parents and us. It cost way too much, but I really wanted all my close friends and family there, so I accepted it. But I think there's much more to this post than how much a wedding should cost. I don't know all that much about your situation, Jenny, so excuse anything I say that is wrong or ill-informed. I don't understand why you are converting to Judaism to marry an atheist. I can only assume that this is coming from his parents. It troubles me a little that you seem to be being pushed into a lot of religious stuff that you're not really comfortable with. I'm not sure he is being entirely reasonable in sweeping your concerns under the carpet. what the hell is a chastity negligee???? No idea, but I would like to get me one!!!!!
Author jenny Posted April 3, 2004 Author Posted April 3, 2004 lol - must remove this off of unreplied list. sorry for momentarily wigging: my sense of self is very mired in independence and discipline - i think i'm freaking out about how combined and contigent this all is. this wedding evidently marks the ends of my accounts i could have gone to n'orleans and write for a year with, y'know? but he is worth it, and i am being immature. o! - just caught your post gaia. the judaism is just my thing; though it's a long time in coming. the rest, i don't know. i'm strange about money, i know this, but it seems to me i should be less so at this time. the wedding will cost me about six years of side savings; we're splitting it evenly. i know it's worth it, but i loved that money a little too much, i suppose. it should be easy to break up with money. p.s. if i flake out, this will be my. fourth. time. freaking. out. i just can't keep living like this; it's not fair; it's not happy; it's not good. it's sloppy and selfish and a non-teleological way to live. in my mind, halting all is *not* an option this time: he's so beautiful, and otherwise so kind.
gaia Posted April 3, 2004 Posted April 3, 2004 OK, I got the religion thing wrong. I didn't have time to go through all your old posts - now I know why I often do! I do think it would be a bit strange for someone in the process of converting to Judaism and a confirmed atheist to swear to bring their kids up Catholic! Can you talk to him about the cost of the wedding - the easiest way to keep the costs down is invite less people. The problem is, it's always the friends that get knocked off, while the ghastly rellies still come. Would be easier to get married in the nude in a wood. If I ever do it again, that's my plan! Jenny, why do you have such a thing about getting your posts off the unreplied list?
rennelea Posted April 3, 2004 Posted April 3, 2004 I have a couple friends who know a LOT of people. If they invited all the people they politically should have to the wedding, they would have filled a 1,000-seat church and needed a HUGE hall for a reception. So they did this: 1) Invited everybody. 2) Held two receptions: one in the church hall directly after the marriage, with a buffet-table full of food and drinks. Everybody was invited to that and everybody went. Later that evening ONLY their close friends and family (about 40 or 50) went to a restaurant and had the "real" reception. This way they saved money and made everybody happy. Something to think about!
yes Posted April 3, 2004 Posted April 3, 2004 jenny, why not forget abt religious ceremonies and do this: - go sign the papers, just the two of you + family members + best friends(?) & go out for a fancy lunch with these few people - throw a huge party (perhaps at one of the parents' houses?) for eeeeverybody - nothing fancy, just lots of drinks, snacks, and fun! that's my image of an ideal wedding day. i don't think it'd be too expensive, rlly. but then i'd also skip the suit/white-dress madness, and just dress festively (remember the scene in Frida when she changes from a white dress to an amazing green/red thing? ) my 2c, -yes
moimeme Posted April 3, 2004 Posted April 3, 2004 but there is no way i'm promising to bring any offspring up as strict catholics Cross your fingers when you promise. We didn't spend a great deal. I'm an ace bargain-finder and found no end of bargains. We really lucked in with the meal and the location; I was able to get a fantastic dinner for a good price because I didn't go to the poshest place in town; there was a motel in town which was actually very pretty; even had a Japanese garden! It didn't at all have that 'motel' feeling and its ballroom was lovely. We did other things on the cheap, too; I made his jacket and shirt (it was Scottish formal attire) and my own veil - they were exactly the way I wanted them. We made the groom's cake, assembled the boxes, and a gang of people came over the night before the wedding and helped fill them - it was a total blast! A friend designed and copied the programmes. The end result was a party folks still talk about. My criteria for the thing were: - that nobody would have to carry their food (I think having to schlepp one's own plate at a buffet when you're dressed up is just tacky) - that the meal and all food would be delicious - that nobody would be left hanging around waiting for the wedding party to congregate; we arranged punch and snacks for people while we did the photos - that the music would be tons of fun - that we and all our guests would have a blast and we accomplished them all. It wasn't a dreaded ordeal, but rather a terrific party. Basically, any irritant that I had experienced at anybody else's wedding was not gonna be an issue with mine! just can't keep living like this; it's not fair; it's not happy; it's not good. it's sloppy and selfish and a non-teleological way to live. in my mind, halting all is *not* an option this time I don't have a good feeling about this, Jenny, truth to tell. It sounds like you're marrying because you think you 'should' - you just gave a whole bunch of reasons to that effect. I'm waiting to hear that you absolutely cannot contemplate life not in this man's presence because, to me, THAT is the sole reason to marry and then the other considerations pale in comparison.
Author jenny Posted April 3, 2004 Author Posted April 3, 2004 i think that's a good point, and one i have thought about. i do feel that way about him, for sure, actually (i think i mentioned it in the sex change thread). this stuff makes me kind of crazy, and i need to vent in a safe environment, but i don't think i have accurately portrayed how much he means to me. he is really, really, amazing, and i wake up every day feeling lucky; it's a great feeling; and i can't wait to do that for the rest of my life. so, if this makes sense: i'm sure about the marriage, but not about the wedding. i really like your ideas and yes's ideas - this event just feels out of control right now. thanks very much .
Author jenny Posted April 3, 2004 Author Posted April 3, 2004 o! gaia: i revere the unreplied thread as a place where i should go first to answer the pressing concerns of new posters. (i don't go there often enough, though ) i think the forum pushes this as a concern, too, hence the button. i just don't want to crowd the unreplied up with my ventilating.
Thinkalot Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 Hi jenny. We aren't engaged yet, but have talked at length about it, and have even discussed possible wedding plans/budgets etc. When it's official, I'm sure you will all know! Anyway, I'm a funny mix of traditional and new. I want to get married and wear a pretty white dress and have people look at me and go "ooh ah..there's the bride"...and I want to wear the ring, and declare our love in public and all that stuff. BUT, I don't want to change my name, I dont want a traditional reception, and I too have trouble with the idea of spending HEAPS on a day. What we are thinking of doing is marrying overseas on an island in the south pacific, and having close friends and family with us. It will be special, intimate, and WAY different to my bf's first wedding (this is important to an obsessive neurotic like me..lol!). It will give us time with friends/family away, and then we'll take off to another island, and have some peace together! So it will be a mix of tradition and something different. Compared to average prices of weddings here (seems many people spend about $20000-$30000-$40000!) it works out cheaper..plus it's something unusual. Estimated costs we reckon would be maybe $7000, including buying a fancy dress and the other extras (I don't want to skimp there). Add on the honeymoon costs...and it still looks reasonable....we figure in the area of $15000 all up, including staying at a fancy resort for a while and having a 2 week holiday. Then again, like I said, we've made no official plans, so it all could change, and these are just guesstimates (we like to budget and plan and talk about the future...gives me a sense of control, and him too I think...we get teased for being sooo organised..). I read an article in a women's mag here recently which featured "budget weddings by real couples"...and most of the 'budget' weddings were listed as costing between $6000-$8000...incl. dress costs etc. Does that help? It does seem a tad concerning that you have so much anxiety happening. Hope that eases. P.S. We will be paying for the entire event ourselves, hence our early budgetting! And it means we can spend as much or as little as we end up choosing to ( my guy is a financial planner, which helps!)
carla Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 Hey Jenny as you probably know I to am planning a wedding. Our buget is about $3,000-$3,500 for every thing from dress, to rings, to attendants attire (his 2 kids) food, alcohol, everything. We are having a very small wedding (about 40 people) in our back yard, no church, no hall, no DJ. Very casual I Do.... I Do fire up the BarBQ. You can cut alot of costs just by doing alot of things yourself. You can make you own veil for about $30 - $50 compared to $150. Make your own party favours. If your going artifical flowers make them yourself it's easier then you think, I've done this for several weddings and know one will know the difference. About $150 for 4 bouquets,1 throw away, 1 flower girl basket,6 bouteneirs, 2 coursages.Do the hall decorations yourself thats what attendance are for. There are sooooo many ways to cut costs and still have an elaborate wedding. Good Luck
meanon Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 I spent very little - but it was special, it was what we wanted. I spent more on the honeymoon. if i flake out, this will be my. fourth. time. freaking. out. i just can't keep living like this; it's not fair; it's not happy; it's not good. it's sloppy and selfish and a non-teleological way to live. in my mind, halting all is *not* an option this time: he's so beautiful, and otherwise so kind. Really it doesn't matter how fine he is, the two may be unrelated. If is is just the "marriage" bit must you do it now when you feel like this? Maybe a delay? Or can you write an alternative marriage manifesto (non stepford variety) that you can both sign up to so you know you can be married and happy?
quankanne Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 some thoughts: I eloped, so we saved a sh*t-potload of money -- we only paid for the licences and the gasoline used to cross over the state line into Tenessee. His sisters took us out to eat (a total of six people eating and drinking) and we stayed overnight in B-ham at one sister's house, so no cost there. but, if I were to have gotten married "properly" in a church, I'd have done it like my best friend did. She went to a place that loaned out dresses and found her wedding dress, shoes and hat/veil (saved a fortune and best of all she doesn't have a dress taking up a ton of space in her closest like all the prom/bridesmaids dresses did); she had it catered at a restaurant in half-way between where the two families lived and they took care of food, cake, setting decorations and canned musi, so all Steph had to do was come up with the decorations she wanted and the flowers. Best of all, she and her husband reserved the chapel at La Villita, in the historic part of San Antonio, and had a close friend perform the ceremony. She was raised Catholic, he was raised Baptist, but their ceremony was non-denominational but still before "God and everyone," if you catch my drift. not to be a party-pooper, but you need to seriously reconsider wanting to hold the wedding in a church that you don't intend to be part of. Is there a non-denominational church that will let you use the building and you provide (or use theirs) a minister to keep the religious part in it? If you were raised Catholic, then surely you can distinguish between getting married and participating in a sacrament ... you do it in the Church, you're pledging to stay part of the Church community, following the rules and regs and traditions of it. If your intentions are otherwise, why even bring the Catholic Church into the picture? Again, not trying to be harsh here, just a little voice of "please reconsider if your heart isn't in being part of a community."
GeorgiaSongbird Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 Poor Jenny !! When I got married the first time, we just went to the court house.. and I borrowed the dress! We spend about $75 on the license and blood test. The 2nd time I got married, we spend about $1000 - for everything, including the small "honeymoon" we took. It was small and I got lucky in a few times (like finding the *perfect* dress for $150 - it was a return). We had a 30 people there for the cermony and reception. After the reception, a friend hosted a party for us that was attended by about 25 additional people.. but we did alot of things very cheaply. We had a friend do the photos (he is not a professional but it is a serious hobby for him..he took good photos but they weren't "professional" if that makes sense). We did it exactly the way we wanted and didn't spend alot of money. My best friend spent about $5000 on hers, including the dress (that was about $700). She got married not too long before me and my current sweetie..My jaw almost hit the floor when I heard that was a "budget" wedding My brother and his wife spent $7000. Personally, I would have gotten an ulcer spending that much money. Although my husband's cousin (or rather her parents) spend like $25k on her wedding ..If that had been me, I would have told my parents to GIVE me the money and let me use it for a down payment on a house. Her wedding was not that much bigger than my friend who only spent $5k. I think how much you are comfortable in spending and what you doing for the wedding just depends on you. My advice would be DO WHAT YOU WANT It's your day and your memories..
Thinkalot Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 Originally posted by GeorgiaSongbird My best friend spent about $5000 on hers, including the dress (that was about $700). She got married not too long before me and my current sweetie..My jaw almost hit the floor when I heard that was a "budget" wedding - I was shocked too. The only reason our estimated prices our around that is because we want to pay to help our family get there and so on, and because I have tried to allow a lot for an expensive dress, in case that's what I find when the time comes. And, whe the time comes, we figure we'll want to splurge on a 'luxury' honeymoon, and stay somewhere fancy (we usually go camping and caravaning when we are in Australia!). But you are so right- It's about doing WHAT YOU WANT, and WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD AND BE HAPPY PAYING FOR! I also know couples who have spent $30k at least on their wedding. I personally have trouble with that figure. But then, I don't mind splurging big on a holiday, so each to their own I guess! Jenny- you need to be happy with this. This should be a wonwderful time for you. Don't do something because you think you should.
Thinkalot Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 So Jenny, where are you at with things now? Has the thread helped at all, or are you still feeling anxious?
carla Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 When's the big day? For some reason I'm thinking this October. Do I read that some where or am I getting this mixed up?
Author jenny Posted April 5, 2004 Author Posted April 5, 2004 i am feeling better, thanks everybody! you guys were great as usual! it's at the end of may. most of the stuff is taken care of, it just needs to be paid for in full now. i don't really like weddings, i never will, but i do feel fully prepared for marriage itself.
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