lostover Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Hi I'm new to this site so apologies if this is a bit long winded. I would really appreciate any good advice or just some support. I often laugh (or cry )about my soap opera life so here goes. My H (not at the time) had an A that lasted about three years on and off and towards the end of the A the ow got pregnant. We found out about the pregnancy when she was 7 months pregnant and discovered her baby was due just before our wedding. We also had our own child who was two at the time. We moved across the country to be near her and the baby so we could offer them support. Initially we were able to all get along but I became increasingly jealous as did she. The icing on the cake was when I got pregnant again. She gave me a very nice letter detailing why this was very hurtful to her and how it might impact on her son. So it was decided we would have no more contact but by this time my H was spending time with them every week. This has now reduced, as I asked for, and they now only talk to discuss their son. But their relationship is friendly and it makes me feel ill every time I know they're together or talking on the phone. If I want my marriage to work something has to change but my H won't alter his behaviour. Can anyone give me some good ways to make him see how this might be hurting me. I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. Or ways for me to cope as my H promises he does not want to be with her just to be a good father. Thanks for reading.
TigerCub Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Hi Lostover, I'm sorry that your life was made so complicated by your (then finace's) cheating, but honestly, you can't ask him not to be involved with his own child's life. I can certainly understand that it hurts you, but it wouldn't be fair to the child he has with the OW. I can also understand worrying that he might do something with the OW because he has cheated on you in the past. But you chose to stay with him after you knew about the cheating and the baby and you still got married, so that part is on you (sorry, I really don't mean to be harsh, but its the truth). Did you and your H go to therapy and try to deal with all those feelings and complications through that? I hope you would consider it, because maybe a counselor would help the both of you understand where the other is coming from and come to a compromise. BUt in all truth, he's a part of his child's life, and it would be cruel (to the child)to just rip him out of it. As for the letter by the OW - I just roll my eyes at that - she has no right to be all jealous and sad that you're having a 2nd child with your own husband. I think you've been very considerate towards her, but I think counseling for you and your H might be helpful. Good luck.
2sure Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Many people, myself included, are divorced and the children of the marriage live with one parent primarily and visit the other. All of the logistics are written in the custody agreement. Other than a phone call or email arranging the child's next visit to your home there need be no contact between the two of them. Any contact should be between the child's mother and you and your H as a couple. Given the fact that she found your own H having a child with you, his wife...an insult to her...I would make sure every little thing was in black and white with no exceptions.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I agree with the others. His child with the OW is, I assume, at least a toddler by now. Thus there's no specific reason why he can't spend time with his child without having to be in contact with the OW in person. There are ways to arrange for him to have time with the child that don't involve seeing her. A third party location, e.g. It doesn't sound like you're expecting him to not see his child, which would be unfair to the child. But I don't think it's unreasonable to require that he restrict his contact with the OW to email (oh, and he must give you unlimited access to his email). If he refuses to stop seeing her, I'd say there's something fishy going on.
bloppy Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Why would you having a child hurt her feelings? Unless she still has hope of getting your H. As long as your H is fulfilling his duties as a father (which it sounds like he is) it should make no difference to her. That just doesn't make sense. In my situation my H & the OW had a child & she went on for about a year wanting to set up visitation. She wanted my H to go to her apartment for visitation & I would not allow that. I said the child could come to our house for visits but she would not allow that. Then when she found out that I was having another child she just dropped it all together. I think she wanted to get my H back & trying to use the child to do it. So for now she is just getting child support & the child doesn't know his father.
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