GreenPolicy Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 So it's been almost six months since my ex-fiancee left me. I took my time healing and working on myself before finally attempting to date again. I set up a profile on OkCupid and I now have two prospects. I met A first. I really like this girl. We've gone out twice, and the second date was going so well that I knew she would say yes if I asked her out again. This was last Thursday night. I had a wedding and a birthday party going on this weekend, and I didn't want to appear overeager, so I asked her out for Sunday afternoon the weekend of April 2-3. At the end of the date we're making out, and she says "Sunday, April 3rd? That's too long to have to wait to see you again." So I suggested getting together during the week and that I'd call her Sunday (yesterday) to work out the details. So I called her yesterday afternoon, three days after our date, and we've made arrangements for me to go to her place this Thursday and I'm going to cook her dinner. That's in addition to our scheduled date next Sunday. In between dates I don't text or call. The only red flags I can see so far is that she's beautiful and has a lot of male attention. She was telling me about two guy friends of hers that want to be more than friends and she's not into them that way. I figure I have to assume that this early in the game I'm not the only guy in the picture. C is another girl I was chatting with on OKCupid during the same timeframe. We met for drinks last night. C was WAY into me. Usually for a first date with somebody I met online, I try to keep it short, like 1-2 hours and just leave it at drinks. She was very affectionate and throwing a lot of compliments my way, and wanted to grab dinner. I agreed. So then we had dinner, and she said that for a second date, she'd like for me to come over and cook me dinner. Since I already have plans with A for Thursday and Sunday, I said I had previous plans those days and could do something sometime else. So I walk her to her car, give her a hug goodnight, and she says "I'm really into you but I don't kiss on a first date." And I said that was fine, said good night and got into my car and drove off. Then she starts texting me "I wanted to kiss u...I want to keep hanging out" etc. I agreed to meet her at this other bar. We ended up hanging out a total of five hours from first meeting for drinks, then dinner, then drinks again. I broke a lot of my own rules for a first date. At the second bar, we were holding hands, she was still throwing a lot of compliments my way, and then when I walked her to her car, we made out a little bit. She said she was free Saturday for me to come over and I agreed. Ethically, neither one of these girls is my girlfriend, so what I do owe them in the way of disclosure? I haven't had relations with either yet, but if things keep going well, I think that opportunity will present itself with both of them. I like A better, and although she hasn't come on nearly as strong as C, I can tell she is definitely into me. A is four years younger, she's prettier, she's a non-smoker unlike C, and she lives 30 miles from my ex-fiancee, whereas I found out C lives like a mile from my ex-fiancee's apartment and I would have to take the same exit to get to her place. I have avoided that area for the last five months as best as I can, and I always get upset when I have no choice but to drive through it. I like A better and don't want to do anything to f*** up my chances with her. Should I cancel the second date with C, or just see how things play out with A first? If C pushes for sex, should I simply say that this is my first foray back into the dating scene since things ended with my ex, I'm dating other people and right now I'm not looking for anything exclusive? Would that be being honest and setting expectations? (we exchanged romantic history so she got the Cliff's Notes version of what happened with my ex-fiancee). C just came on so strong that I was a little bit intimidated. I've never juggled two women before, but neither one is my girlfriend yet, so I'm not sure what is ethical and what is not. It seems like it's unethical to be sexually active with two different people if they're not aware you're dating other people, even if you use protection like I always do.
KingCrimson Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I like A better, and although she hasn't come on nearly as strong as C, I can tell she is definitely into me. A is four years younger, she's prettier, she's a non-smoker unlike C, and she lives 30 miles from my ex-fiancee, whereas I found out C lives like a mile from my ex-fiancee's apartment and I would have to take the same exit to get to her place. Based on that, keep A #1 priority. Keep C around as a backup incase things don't work out with A. Dump C when A wants to be exclusive.
Star Gazer Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 C sounds desperate. You already like someone more than her (A), so I'd just cancel the date with overly aggressive C and continue dating A.
SweetDaphne Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 You're not into C, its obvious, and she's beyond clingy already. I'd worry actually about anything that might happen between you two, especially with how clingy she is right now, she'd be ALL over you after sex. I'd stay away from her. Have fun with A, focus on her. If you do anything else with C, while trying to get to know A, and A finds out, I almost guarantee you'll see A walking away.
seibert253 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 C seems a bit desperate and clingy. I say date both for awhile then see what happens. The cream always rises to the top.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Tell C the explanation that you had in mind. A smoker is always a dealbreaker for me. A is into you and shows you in another way, trying to show you how desirable she is by telling you about the guys that like her that she isnt into.... Theres a flag there but I dont know what it is just yet. For your own healing purposes, if you still cant get upset by going to your exes exit after a couple tries, make girl C come to you. Tell her smoking is a problem for you, dont cancel anything, you wont ruin your chances as long as you keep your schedule.
MistaDynamic Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Always be upfront with your women. Be the man. Explain to both of them where you are in your life and what you expect from them, something casual and more serious. Women like to fantasize, the less you tell them the more their imagination kicks in and they start to believing in their fantasy rather than reality. So state what you expect from them upfront or else you'll run into trouble later.
Author GreenPolicy Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 I've been thinking a lot about last night and I just have a bad feeling about C. She's not a bad person, but she came on way too strong for a first date, and I've had that experience before and it didn't bode well for the future. I think I need to end things there, regardless of whether A was in the picture or not. After the way I was dumped by my ex-fiancee, I don't ever want to hurt anybody like that. I don't want to lead her on and get her hopes up. And I think the poster who says A will drop me if she gets wind of it is on to something. So I was thinking all I owe C after one date is a short email that says that I am sorry but I just don't feel the chemistry and compatibility is there for the future, and I don't want to lead her on and get her hopes up and I see her more as a friend. Since she's so into me, there's no way I can do this without her being disappointed, but the longer things continue between us, the worse it's going to be when I do let her down. Thoughts?
Duckduckgoose Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Better to let C down now. She's going to be disappointed yes, but better her be disappointed now then REALLY disappointed and probably pissed off if you play her.
Author GreenPolicy Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Better to let C down now. She's going to be disappointed yes, but better her be disappointed now then REALLY disappointed and probably pissed off if you play her. Is the proposed explanation good enough? I feel like it's not my responsibility that she is way way into me after just one date, but I need to be honest, not lead her on and don't mess with her emotions.
ChessPieceFace Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 You seem to have answered your own question in the OP. It looks like you're asking people's permission to do something you already know is unethical. Ethically, you should be honest about what you are doing with other girls. Not that you have to show them video (lol) but just that you wouldn't lie about it. The furthest you could take things while still being "ethical" would be to just act under the assumption that the girls are also not committed to you and may be sleeping around, and don't bring up the subject of commitment. But as soon as one of the girls gives indications that they are being loyal to you, or as soon as one of them asks you about it, then you either have to make a choice between them or tell them you still want to "play the field" or however you can word it nicely. I don't see a breach of ethics (note that is distinct from morals) with a multiple-lover situation as long as people aren't being lied to.
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