XXXOW Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Just a brief history of my life as an OW... I met my MM in 4/08 when he told me he was separating and divorcing. I believed him and things were great until about 2-3 months later when the truth (reality) was that he was very married. I had been snowed but was neck deep in love (or so I believed at the time) and proceeded to become the OW (something I never, ever thought I would be) in an affair that lasted just over 2 years. When I give you that time frame- understand that the first months were an every day/night thing...then when things got dodgy for him at home- it became less and less until by the end of the first year we only saw each other 1x a week. (only saw each other 5x during the last 12 m. of the affair) During this time he repeatedly promise/swore he was working it out to leave his wife and that he loved me etc.... By the beginning of the second year, his wife had tracked his car to my house and I thought "FINALLY" its all out now and we can get this done and move on with our lives...that their marriage was over. However, he proceed to lie to her "for my protection" and nothing significant happened. This was pretty much then end of the physical part of us- as I wasn't keen on having this woman show up at my door...needless, the emotional phone calls/texts continued along with all the lies, guilt and pleading for me to be patient...that I didn't understand "how bad it was for him right now".... Finally about 5 months later when I stopped by his business and his phone butt dialed his wife and she confronted us both (he literally threw me under the bus- evidently the value of being one's "great true love" was not so high)...well, that's when I knew that I was definitely OVER this ridiculous, demoralising, waiting game. I left them standing there yelling at each other and went on with my life... Afterwards, I received calls/messages from him saying that he "had to work on his marriage for the kids"...by this point, I truly didn't care because his cowardness throughout the whole relationship had taken a toll on my feelings for him- and I couldn't get over how pathetic he had acted. No matter what my feelings were- I could not imagine a lifetime with a man who could hurt so many people and yet still found the energy to feel sorry for himself! Needless, the wife sent me 2 very vile letters- well deserved....I responded to the last, for my own sake not his, to say that I was done and that regardless of what she thought she knew, she would never know the whole truth and good luck! I never heard from her again... It's been almost a year and I still get random msgs/phone calls from him still...even after knowing that I have met the most amazing man in the world to whom I am going to marry... And even though I repeatedly ask that he not contact me- he still does every so often....and sometimes I ignore it and other times, I just tell him to go to hell and good luck! (he is still very married to his wife...) The fact is that being an OW was one of the darkest moments of my life...the waiting and emotional begging where so degrading, I didn't recognise my worth any longer.... I just want to tell all you beautiful women that a man who truly loves you wants to be with you always...and tell the world exactly what you mean to him. If you are in a relationship where those two things don't unconditionally exist, then you need to walk away...life is too short to be waiting, and too long not be living fully every day. The great thing about love is it replenishes itself- the heart never empties. There were moments when I didn't believe this to be true- but when I unexpectedly met the most beautiful man in the world- who loves me 360 and cherishes me beyond my deepest desire- I had a change of heart. The only thing I regret, was not so much loving the MM- because that was done with pure intention...but the amount of time I wasted on believing him. Good luck to you all....and may you know/find love now and always.
mizliz Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) .....The great thing about love is it replenishes itself- the heart never empties. There were moments when I didn't believe this to be true- but when I unexpectedly met the most beautiful man in the world- who loves me 360 and cherishes me beyond my deepest desire- I had a change of heart. The only thing I regret, was not so much loving the MM- because that was done with pure intention...but the amount of time I wasted on believing him. Good luck to you all....and may you know/find love now and always. I love what you wrote in the bolded - so beautiful, and so true! Thank you for sharing your story. And, I'm so happy that you found love after your A. All the best to you and your new love! Edited June 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
BB07 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Wow..........I'm so happy for you and that you've found happiness. Huge congrats coming your way!
lynne76 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 XXXOW -- can I ask how old you are? I am 34 and I feel like my chances for finding love post-MM are slim to none, because of my age. I really want to meet someone great for me and have a marriage/life partnership and a family. I've found it *very* challenging to meet any single men since I split up with my former boyfriend when I was 28. Thoughts?
BB07 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 XXXOW -- can I ask how old you are? I am 34 and I feel like my chances for finding love post-MM are slim to none, because of my age. I really want to meet someone great for me and have a marriage/life partnership and a family. I've found it *very* challenging to meet any single men since I split up with my former boyfriend when I was 28. Thoughts? Ahhh I know you didn't ask me.........but you are 34.....come on now, just 34. You are at your prime girl! Don't give up or sell yourself short or talk yourself out of the game. Hell-o.......I turned 50 a few months ago and I'm not completely discounting that I might just have a relationship again. Right now, I'm not looking and I'm perfectly fine with that but maybe...........someday.
lynne76 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Ha, I hope 34 isn't too old. But I feel like it's hard....I want kids some day and I just worry that I may have missed the boat.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Very very excellent opening post! And as for Lynne, you are 34, not dead. Don't waste another though on a guy that is 'committed.'
Emme Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 I think this post was wonderful. It was pleasure to read thank you for sharing.
mizliz Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Ha, I hope 34 isn't too old. But I feel like it's hard....I want kids some day and I just worry that I may have missed the boat. Omg - I'm 36. I feel young. Stop the negative self-talk. You are young and vibriant. Knock it off. If that's what you want, find it. Don't limit yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get out there. From what I've read about you, there shouldn't be an issue. Lynne - for the love of god, get out there and enjoy life. Stop saying you can't, when you know you can. You won't find a man if you wallow - so stop it. Pick your sexy self up and get out there and shake what god gave you. You are young and vibriant - give a dude a chance.
jwi71 Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 XXXOW -- can I ask how old you are? I am 34 and I feel like my chances for finding love post-MM are slim to none, because of my age. I really want to meet someone great for me and have a marriage/life partnership and a family. I've found it *very* challenging to meet any single men since I split up with my former boyfriend when I was 28. Thoughts? Stop this crap. Seriously. 34 is NOT OLD. Not. Even. Close. Afraid you can't bear children? What medical doctor told you that? Was it Nick Riveria from Springfield? Was his MD from an online college which gives credits for farting? There is a woman I personally know who is EIGHT years OLDER than you and pregnant with her HEALTHY FIRST CHILD. Saw the sonogram today at work in fact. Its challenging for you to meet another because YOU hinder yourself. The only baggage you bring is all you can't leave behind. So drop it already. Just let it go. And, given that you have tried for years, find a good IC in your area to help you. I can say from my own personal experience that dating at 39 was awesome for me. Simply awesome. You'll get there. Promise.
Author XXXOW Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 for your lovely, generous words! I stumbled across Loveshack during some of my darkest OW days...trying to find a clue/pattern to help me sort it all out. Needless, the constant thread was waiting/disappointment wrapped in a sliver of hope. I know some MM do leave their wives and things work out...but the reality is that most don't. That was a hard sandwich to swallow when I was neck deep in my affair- even with all my wonderful supportive friends telling me that I deserved much more, I literally had to hit bottom before I could finally crawled to the exit door. It wasn't easy- but I did it and each day that passed, it got easier and easier not to look back (or at my phone). I deleted the MM completely from my life- threw everything out and sold the thousands of dollars worth of jewelry he gave me for mere pennies. I wanted no reminders of those toxic times in my fresh new life. I am 42 this August. I was divorced almost 9 years ago. The man I met is 46 and perfect for me. If my MM had left his wife and I had stayed with him- I would have had to give up my whole life plan to be with him....in the heat of the moment, I didn't realize how horrific this move would have been for me. Instead, I let go and met someone whose lifestyle and goals match my own- we can grow old together in love and peace without drama. (insert jumping for joy here) I can say this- after much self reflection (which was tediously painful), I realized that towards the end of the affair, it wasn't so much the MM that I wanted but just for him to pick "ME" (I wanted to win- knowing that all the pain/angst had not been for nothing)...that somehow him chosing me was a reflection of my self worth (I have never had an issue with self esteem/worth...but in an affair, it tends to get brutalized)...and once I realized THAT fact, I couldn't hold on to the lie that I had been telling myself over and over again- that he was the "ONE" for me. During one of the very last conversations I had with the MM, I told him that he had made the right choice to stay- because in the end, I would have probably left him. (I never saw myself raising small children again and/or living through someone's nasty divorce- THAT, I am definitely TOO Old for!) So, dear Lynne76- its never too late for love...I wasn't looking to meet someone straightaway, but I refused to let this experience damage me from being open to love...and in the end, the universe gave me exactly what I wanted. If I hadn't walked away from the affair when I did- I would have missed out on one of the best events of my life! My granny use to say "If you keep company with Mr. Left, you are bound to miss Mr. Right".... keep an open heart, and love will find you. Cheers and good luck to all! x
half_ofa_heart Posted March 29, 2011 Posted March 29, 2011 WOW!!!! Can I just say THANK YOU for coming back to LS and posting that there is life after an affair???!!!!! When you're in it and can't see the forrest for the trees, it is so hard to believe that your life can't ever get better than this. It's sooo nice to hear that it is more than better - it's awesome! I'm feeling like the end is near but honestly I'm scared it's a mirage. Congrats
Gentlegirl Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 Ha, I hope 34 isn't too old. But I feel like it's hard....I want kids some day and I just worry that I may have missed the boat. I am almost 64. had a 3 year affair with MM which finished 15 weeks ago. I still think of him a lot but I'm going on a date with a new man on Sunday. .......there is life after 30. good Luck!
dreamingoftigers Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 And to think I have been worried about possibly finding someone new at age 30!
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