Fern Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I've become quite friendly with the ex-fiancee of the girl my ex cheated on me with and is now seeing. We have a lot of mutual friends. He's lovely (honestly i can't imagine why she'd choose my ex over him) he's very funny, handsome, intelligent etc etc. We have chatted a little about the 'situation'. He says he's over it and the relationship was 'condemned' long before she cheated and that he only stayed because of their child. I told him the truth, I'm still angry and bruised by the whole thing despite being able to see that it was all for the best. Mostly we talk about normal stuff. I met him at a gig on Saturday night and we flirted for ages. Mostly I was flirting because I knew both our exes were boring holes in the back of our heads with their eyes and it amused me. But then, after our exes left (early - I wonder why), we stood outside having a laugh and he asked for my number. I gave it to him and we've been texting a little bit - just chit-chat. Our mutual friend told me he likes me, like LIKES me - thinks I'm attractive. I think I'm attracted to him too, but I don't ENTIRELY trust my motives. I'm at the stage now where I was planning on finding myself a nice boy to have a fun summer fling with anyway. Would it be a terrible idea to make it THIS one? There's definitely a part of me that thinks that hooking up with him would be a fun way of restoring a little balance to my universe. Plus I'd be able to look at HER when I see her out and feel less like she robbed me. Am I mad to be thinking about this? I'm not planning on starting up a relationship or anything, but he's the first person I've felt attracted to since the split. Is it wrong to have a bit of fun with him. I think it could help us both...Am I kidding myself?
melenkurion Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I kind of did what you are talking about doing. I've PMed you about it, because I am not 100% sure I am comfortable talking about it in public. So far I don't regret it, anyway. There's stuff that applies to my situation that might make a difference, which I have mentioned in the PM.
lolo1234 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 So you know what your motives are... but do you know his? Just be sure of his before you jump into anything. And if we're just talking some fun .. well I say, alls fair in love and war.
Author Fern Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Thanks, Melen. Will read it now. Lolo, honestly, I don't think his motive is revenge, but if it is - I don't think I really mind.
0hpenelope Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I see two single people who are exploring their attraction to each other. Everything else is just detail.
Author Fern Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 I see two single people who are exploring their attraction to each other. Everything else is just detail. I think so too, but I'm worried that other people will look at it as us just trying to piss off our exes. Which, if I'm honest, is like the bonus cherry on top. However, I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't hook up with someone I'm not attracted to solely to piss my ex off. I don't care about him enough anymore to put myself in a situation like that. Dear lord - nothing has even happened yet but a bit of flirting and a few innocent texts! lol I need to stop talking myself out of it and go with the flow. I can't let other people's reactions dictate my actions, that's ridiculous. So what if there's a bit of gossip? I deserve a bit of fun after the horrendous winter I've had. Summer fling coming up - whether it's with this guy or not!
0hpenelope Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I think so too, but I'm worried that other people will look at it as us just trying to piss off our exes. Which, if I'm honest, is like the bonus cherry on top. However, I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't hook up with someone I'm not attracted to solely to piss my ex off. I don't care about him enough anymore to put myself in a situation like that. Isn't it annoying? People should really just mind their own business. The two of you are brought together by circumstances unusual to them. They should just leave you be and they can assume all they want. I like this play on words with assume: "When you 'assume', you make an a** of 'u,' not me." Dear lord - nothing has even happened yet but a bit of flirting and a few innocent texts! lol I need to stop talking myself out of it and go with the flow. I can't let other people's reactions dictate my actions, that's ridiculous. So what if there's a bit of gossip? I deserve a bit of fun after the horrendous winter I've had. Summer fling coming up - whether it's with this guy or not! See Fern, I told you when I first commented to you that I really like your attitude on the boards. I'm quite sure that how you are here - the awesome feisty spirit! - is the same as how you are in real life. This is it!
Rose T Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Hi Fern! Saw your thread title and had to come and see what you were getting up to, lol!! I met him at a gig on Saturday night and we flirted for ages. Mostly I was flirting because I knew both our exes were boring holes in the back of our heads with their eyes and it amused me. But then, after our exes left (early - I wonder why), we stood outside having a laugh and he asked for my number. I gave it to him and we've been texting a little bit - just chit-chat. Our mutual friend told me he likes me, like LIKES me - thinks I'm attractive. I think I'm attracted to him too, but I don't ENTIRELY trust my motives. Well, I think it's all good, the only thing I'm getting from your first post is that while you feel he fancies you, you're not exactly sure if you fancy him? I'd definitely go with the spring fling idea (there's room to fit one in before the summer fling, lol!!) but flings are best when you want to rip their clothes off, right? Taking all the "context" out the situation, in a just you-and-him moment, would you still be loving it? That's the only question I'd ask myself really. I went on a date yesterday and was a bit down because although he seemed promising I didn't really quite fancy him enough. I'm now focussing on someone else much more unsuitable but much fitter lol!!
Author Fern Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Hi Fern! Saw your thread title and had to come and see what you were getting up to, lol!! Well, I think it's all good, the only thing I'm getting from your first post is that while you feel he fancies you, you're not exactly sure if you fancy him? I'd definitely go with the spring fling idea (there's room to fit one in before the summer fling, lol!!) but flings are best when you want to rip their clothes off, right? Taking all the "context" out the situation, in a just you-and-him moment, would you still be loving it? That's the only question I'd ask myself really. I went on a date yesterday and was a bit down because although he seemed promising I didn't really quite fancy him enough. I'm now focussing on someone else much more unsuitable but much fitter lol!! You know, I do think I fancy him quite a bit. He's a little bit more 'hipster' than my usual taste in the way he dresses and the things he likes - but he's definitely more conventionally handsome than my ex. He's also several years younger than I am - which makes it kinda flattering he is even interested. Haha! Plus there's the fact that since the weather turned and I started really getting over my heartbreak, my libido has come back full force! I'm just wary of seeming like some bitter psycho who's just out to revenge herself. Plus I didn't trust my own judgement at ALL there for a while. A mutual friend is having a huge party next weekend for her birthday. I'm going to get dolled up to the nines and spend the night flirting with him and see if there's any chemistry. If not, no harm, no foul. Good luck with your unsuitable hottie! lol This is actually quite fun. I feel like a teenager. lol
Rose T Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 You know, I do think I fancy him quite a bit. He's a little bit more 'hipster' than my usual taste in the way he dresses and the things he likes - but he's definitely more conventionally handsome than my ex. He's also several years younger than I am - which makes it kinda flattering he is even interested. Haha! Plus there's the fact that since the weather turned and I started really getting over my heartbreak, my libido has come back full force! I'm just wary of seeming like some bitter psycho who's just out to revenge herself. Plus I didn't trust my own judgement at ALL there for a while. A mutual friend is having a huge party next weekend for her birthday. I'm going to get dolled up to the nines and spend the night flirting with him and see if there's any chemistry. If not, no harm, no foul. Good luck with your unsuitable hottie! lol This is actually quite fun. I feel like a teenager. lol I know!! it's so funny and such a relief to get those flashes of liking someone again, I had forgotten what it was like! Well sounds like you've got the perfect plan, wow isn't it fun getting dressed up again on a weekend and getting out there?!! Course you and I know that what he's wearing needn't be a dealbreaker Fern - that can quite easily be resolved (snigger!). I've been offering "to show round" a guy I met who's new to my city - he's extremely hot but way too young for me!! The combination of the spring kicking in and me deciding that I am really over my ex however is really giving me ideas!
Author Fern Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 So, an update for anyone who's interested. Party Saturday night - we got along BRILLIANTLY. Spent most of the night chatting to each other. He's SO much smarter than my ex. We had so many favourite books in common. I don't think my Ex has ever finished a book in his life. Why on EARTH did she cheat on this guy with that Neanderthal I was stuck with? She's going to be kicking herself soon. But then, she's not too bright herself...anyway, needless to say - I'm developing the biggest crush on him. Hahaha! I'd totally forgotten how much I'm attracted to intelligent men. He's very, very sexy in a kind of weird, slightly pretentious way. Haha! It gave me loads to take the piss out of him about. He definitely likes me too. I was on top form making him laugh and getting conversations going. Proper charm offensive. And I was looking smoking hot. I thought maybe something might happen at the end of the night but this friend of mine was pretty drunk and started flirting with him and monopolising him so I cut my losses and went home. There's no way this other girl was trying it on with him, she has a boyfriend and she's a good mate, she was just a little drunk but I thought 'Nah. I have more respect for myself than to hang around here waiting for him to finish flirting with someone else (though to be fair, she was the one doing most of it) and then start trying to get with me.' So I rang a taxi and left. I've been debating since Sunday whether to get in touch or not and had just decided against it today (I'm not chasing him, I'm getting out of those bad old patterns where I go for people who probably aren't that interested) when lo and behold - he contacted me! It was just a friendly message about something we chatted about on Saturday night - but it showed he'd been thinking about me. I left it a few hours, then replied and he replied again straight away! So I'm going to hold off answering him until tomorrow - this cautious approach is working well for me so far. Let's stick with it. This is so much fun! I'd forgotten this buzz from a new flirtation. I actually, genuinely think I like him - like not just because he's HER ex and it'll annoy her, actually want to get to know him. I'm not expecting us to turn into a couple or anything but we're obviously attracted to each other and get along really well. So I'm going to go with the flow and see what happens. Hahaha! OMG, if you'd told me this a few months ago I'd have thought you were MAD. If anything happens here we're going to be the talk of the town - we'll have basically just swapped partners! Any advice on how to play this? Do's and don'ts? warnings? I'd LOVE some feedback. I'm not out to cause a drama and I need to tread carefully for his sake as he has a child with her...
Rose T Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Fern, sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing! Let him lead a bit so you can guage his interest, as far as your exes go though I can't see anything wrong with it. If you'd both jumped into it six months ago it would have probably been a rebound but this is so different - you've healed and now you're looking at him in a different light! Go with the flow and enjoy it. You deserve a bit of fun.
melenkurion Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 The only warnings I can think about are really obvious: how to deal with the issue of your respective exes. Obviously, for this to go anywhere, at some point you won't be able to avoid a conversation about them, otherwise its a great huge elephant in the room. Although since you've stopped thinking of him as her ex, maybe you can avoid that? And what the heck, it's six months down the line from your breakup. You feel a spark. Let's see where it goes, eh?
Author Fern Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 The only warnings I can think about are really obvious: how to deal with the issue of your respective exes. Obviously, for this to go anywhere, at some point you won't be able to avoid a conversation about them, otherwise its a great huge elephant in the room. Although since you've stopped thinking of him as her ex, maybe you can avoid that? And what the heck, it's six months down the line from your breakup. You feel a spark. Let's see where it goes, eh? Yeah - I'm not going to stress about that right now. IF something happens I'll cross that bridge. Right now I'm just enjoying obsessing about something other than my sh*tty breakup! Hahaha! After the number our exes did on us, the chances of this becoming something real are very, very small - but maybe we can help each other move on? It has to be better than using some poor unsuspecting third party as a rebound. This could be a...what are they called...transition relationship for both of us. At the very least it'll be some hot, sweaty revenge sex that makes us both feel like some balance has been restored to the universe.
Duckduckgoose Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I read this thread and it makes me very happy for you Fern! Even if nothing comes of the relationship you at least gonna have some fun with this guy! While it was your exes that brought you together and that could be considered the "elephant in the room" to some people it could also be considered a common ground for you to both build up from. That's not exactly what I am thinking... maybe "shared past" is a better term. Anyway, it sounds like fun and excitement for a while. Enjoy the buzz!
Author Fern Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 Hahaha! Well I'm like a different person these days! Am I over my ex - OH YES! Hahaha! My flirtation with the New Girl's ex is going swimmingly. We've our first proper 'date' tomorrow night - like just the two of us instead of us out with a group of other people. I'd forgotten what a buzz this was. He's FABULOUS - so, so, so smart and sexy and funny. We did the sweaty revenge sex two weeks ago - and then three times the next day, hahaha! (It was totally AMAZING btw ha!) Who would have thought this turn of events would happen??? It's so weird. We would probably never even have spoken if it wasn't for what happened. Bizarre. I was away last weekend seeing friends and he made sure to contact me every day. Nothing heavy - keeping in touch, flirting and getting to know each other. Neither of us is jumping into something with both feet but we have SO much fun together and the most interesting conversations. So right now, it's fun and that's about as complicated as it needs to be. Whatever happens, happens and if all we do is help each other move on - that's quite enough for me. I am smitten at the minute though and I'm pretty sure he likes me a lot too. I'm being sensible though. I know I don't need the pressure of getting my hopes/expectations up and I'm sure he's the same. We're keeping it really quiet for the moment - nobody knows except our best friends. And you know how I know I'm over what happened with my ex - I don't give a TOOT if he ever finds out or not! So, all in all - nearly 9 months later and I'm SO OVER IT. I'm actually GLAD it happened. My life is so much better now. I haven't been this content with my life EVER before. Good riddance to that loser and hello to my new life! Can you believe the difference in me from my first post in November? I can't!!
cerridwen Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 Not sure if you've heard of Shania Twain, Fern, but you two have something in common now! So glad you're happy! Bunny dance anyone?! :bunny::bunny:
ganbare Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 It feels a little twisted to me but any relationship between two consenting adults can be healthy. It would just freak me out a little bit since it kind of serves as an indirect anchor to your ex. But I'm glad you're happy! I hope it works out...and Shania Twain rule!
melenkurion Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 hah! Great news Fern. Have fun! I'm looking forward to getting to where you are now.
Author Fern Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 Sooo...I'm still feeling on top of the world. Still seeing the NG's ex, though I find it hard to think of him that way anymore. He's MINE! Haha! We still haven't really discussed what's happening. It's only been a month. It's still a (very badly kept) secret. But I like him more and more every day. He's sweet and funny and smart and interesting and the chemistry is still INSANE. Even more so than at the start. We've seen each other a couple of nights a week for the past month and we're in touch every day even if it's just an email or some texts. He has his life, I have mine - but I'm pretty sure he likes me too. We have the most wonderful conversations and unbelievable sex. I know he thinks so too - but does that translate the same for men as it does for women? Into FEELINGS? It's very strange. I feel very comfortable with him and I TRUST him already. which I probably shouldn't...I've never had a connection like this with anyone and I worry sometimes that that connection is because of our situation. Then I think about the fact that I like him FAR more than I liked my ex this early on and without the drama that came with a relationship with the ex. Slow is good, isn't it? I have plans with my friends this weekend and he has some friends home from overseas so we haven't arranged to meet up this weekend and that's okay. I'm not freaking out that it MEANS anything. I know I'll see him soon. I'm not worried he's going off me. It's still really early days. I might go off him first. And I'm the one who set this pace. But I do think - eventually - I'm going to want some forward momentum on this. I don't know WHEN, but I'm confident I'll know when the time is right. Am I mad? lol I don't care anymore that he's the father of HER child or that there might eventually be a drama. I like him a lot and I want to see where this goes. But part of me is terrified of ending up in another horrible situation like my last relationship. Hence the taking it slow. I know I'm rambling, but I'm trying to work out for myself what's going on. Sometimes the situation still freaks me out. Plus I worry my gut instinct is wrong and I SHOULDN'T trust him so implicitly. That didn't work so well for me last time. I'm just going to keep taking it slow and being discreet and see where this goes. Though if he turns out to be another ********* stringing me along when he actually has no real interest in me, I may join a nunnery! I forgot how exciting the start of things could be but I also forgot how scary they were too. I don't want to scare him off by demanding he quantify his feelings for me now, but I don't want to make assumptions either. It's a fine line to tread...
Damia Posted June 11, 2011 Posted June 11, 2011 This is such a positive thread ,way to go girl. Hope things are still going well for you. It sounds like you are doing everything right with taking things slow and eyes wide open. He may well be feeling just as unsure as you. Can you talk to him about how you feel with out getting "heavy"? I know for myself if Im unable to talk openly to a 'possible' new partner that will be a deal breaker. good luck ,altho with the amount of positive energy you are buzzing with I doubt you need it
Silivren Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Good for you Fern! Go with the flow and be happy. This just makes me think of Shania Twain... her husband Mutt Lange cheated on her with her best friend... and she has found solace with her best friends' ex-husband and they are getting married... So - you can find happiness out of tragedy.. I hope your story is a happy ending
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