butterfly2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 oMG...this is hurting so bad. No Contact since yesterday....I'm going to do this. I'm the one who told him to leave in the heat of an arguement.....it's not the first time I did this, and he has left on his own before without telling me (when he is fed up). He is a very weak minded man and is a follower so there is alot of change that goes on, meaning when he meets new people he aims to please them rather than the one woman that has stuck by him and loved him. So anyhow, I did text him over the weekend and asked him if he was happier without me, be honest. His reply was 50/50. OUCH. I also asked it he was done with the relationship, but he does not reply. After having more time to think, maybe this relationship should end, but it is so hard to let him go. I love him so much it hurts. All of his stuff is still at the house and he left his dog for me to take care of, so I bought the dog a sweater that says MOM on it. ha ha. Anyhow, I am at work and sitting here wondering if he will go by the house and get his stuff today while no one is home. He has been gone since Wednesday night, text me the next day but I didn't reply and he didn't get his things from the house. I know this is gross, but I know he was at the house yesterday when I left. You know everyone has their own smell right? So I was gone for awhile and when I came back the restroom smelled like he was just there and used it. Anyways, games I tell you... I am sick of the games. I just want a healthy happy relationship and family. I deserve that. Not saying he doesn't either, but he is making poor choices. He has been off of work since March 7th. The job ended and he is waiting for the next job to start. He has a shop he rents and works on his car there, does haircuts, and works with the guys in the shop next door which they rebuild harleys and do custom paint. Great thing to learn but he also had this childhood friend that he should get rid of. The guy is a dope dealer and I don't think no matter what, that being around him, talking to him , or letting him visit the shop is OK. Is is bad moral judgement and I did tell him several times that if he is in his life, he cannot have me. Obviously he doesn't care or respect that, so I have to show him I am serious. I heard on the radio this morning - A man will only do what you allow him to do. Basically you have to teach them how you are to be treated. Damn why is this so hard to do? I'm doing it and I am so greatful you are all here. Please give me some comments, advice??? Please.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 The most important thing is to break whatever unhealthy cycle was happening in your relationship - whether you remain together or not. The NC can definitely help with that. Just remember each day pulls you closer to your goal.
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Yeah. There definately is a cycle there, but I tell you, each time we have gone through this, we get closer and have more respect for each other. On the other hand, I think he is starting to get used to this and each time he is enjoying his 'time away'. He is not a bad guy, but I have to be honest, he probably isn't my best choice in men. Our morals are different and I have been seeing that lately and that is where me nagging and complaining has come to play. Did he change or was he always this way and I have just been blind? In a way I kinda hope I come home and all his belongings are gone, but I can bet they won't be and he will only take a few needed items. What do I do then? Do I change the locks? Do I pack his stuff? What do I do? I can't just allow him to come and go as he pleases because I had a moment and told him to leave and he did. If he wanted to come back home he could have and he knows that. So this coming to get a few things here and there.... I can't allow that right? Wouldn't that give him the idea that this is ok to do? I deserve more respect than that. I have apologized to him and actually asked him to come back home. He had left before and I asked him to come back when he left. The issue I see is that I want him to be what he was before and who he promised me he was and would be. Two and a half years..wow. At this point I don't know what to do. advice about his belongings if he just come for a few things and leaves. Change locks? pack his stuff? What do I do?
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 And I also read about the whole texting deal. It is inappropriate to conduct your relationship on text, I agree 100%, so when I get that text "hello", I should ignore it. What I am waiting on is him to say lets work this out instead of just a hello how r u. OMG....HELP. I am so glad u all r here cause otherwise I would be texting him or calling him. Thank God for this site.
DarkAngel7 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Hey hon, I have read your posts. Our situations are similar. Basically we said stuff out of anger that pushed the guy away. That being said, they aren't innocent either. The guy was doing something that was making you unhappy. I guess it's all about communication. Some people don't have very healthy communication skills. In my case neither of us does...and I have approached him in ways that I thought wouldn't offend him, but he will end up offending me by not saying much. Honestly some people may not agree with me on this site, but since you don't know what he is thinking, assume the best. Yep I said it. Worrying gets you NOWHERE! Although it is human nature, and you are used to seeing him everyday etc. try not to worry as much please. It isn't changing the outcome at all. Men deal with things different than us women do. They tend to need space or back off to evaluate the situation. He didn't respond when you asked him if it was over because it's not over. At the same time I think he's just aware of how unhealthy it is, just as you are. Give him space, give him time. Try to make yourself as happy as you can in the meantime. Remember, you haven't called it quits yet. Even if he does come back right now, what good will that do? Use this time to your advantage. I think the NC is good for you right now because he seems like he is kind of irritated. Just leave him alone, he will start to wonder what you are doing. He will be reminded of you every second just like you are of him. TRUST ME. If you know your relationship was real, there is no way he is not hurting right now. You can't judge someone by their facebook or whatever. Who goes to a party and cries? Who hangs out with friends and acts like debby downer? We do these things to snap ourselves out of it. Only we know how we feel when we are in our bed alone at night. Stay positive, whether you know it or not it affects the outcome a lot. Seize the day go take a walk, read a book, talk with someone that makes you laugh. I consider myself to be pretty spiritual, and I believe that what we put out is what we get back in return. The outcome of this relationship just shows what the both of you were putting out. Change it! The only thing that could happen is that you two will be stronger and better than ever, or if it's not meant to be you will end up moving on and finding someone better. I think you know in your heart if it is over or not, I always know. You can feel when you or the other person is done.
DarkAngel7 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Let me add, Contrast is there to show you your true desires. If it is meant to be, your relationship will become even better when the both of you are ready/get through this. Love yourself first!
DarkAngel7 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Well I just read your other post..and you say you want him to be who he was. Are you the woman he fell inlove with? Do you still do/look/act the way you did when you first met him? Do you still take the time to make him feel special? Are you always pointing out his flaws? It is easier to be pleasant when the person you are with is pleasant. When one person shifts in the relationship, only option is for the other person to shift with you...or drift out of the picture.
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Thank you DarkAngel. I need support today and I appreciate the shiny positive side of it. You seen exactly what is going on. Yes he was doing things that were making me unhappy and I nagged at him about it. I know that I can go about things differently and change the outcome of the relationship while in the relationship but there are standards I have, promises he made that he broke. Grant it we are not perfect and I just as him has some growing up to do, in different departments. When it comes to a situation like this....I don't know what to do. I usually pack his things, change the locks, go in to full hate mode. I didn't do that this time. His things are as he left them, the locks are still the same and I am just here thinking about what went wrong, why it went wrong, why i felt that way, why i reacted the way i did. Is this something I want to continue with, is he the one for me, can I live with the things I cant stand about him? All that is running through my head. Really, I am just tired of his bad decisions. And to answer your questions, no I am not the same person and yes I noticed he shifted with me. How do I change that without being naggy. We have worked on out communication and have gotten better at it. I miss him to the core of my soul and I am so lost. Your post reply has helped me...
DarkAngel7 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Butterfly I am happy my post has helped you, really:) When you say you have noticed that he shifted with you, in what way? Well there is a book called SPEAK PEACE it teaches you ways of communication without involving too much emotion. You would just say it as a fact, and the way it makes you feel as a fact. Example: When you do ____, I feel like____. Instead of: YOU NEVER, YOU ALWAYS, YOU MAKE ME. I know it is simple but it really changes things. Of course sometimes emotions get the best of us, and it is hard not to just react out of pure emotion. Trust me I have struggled with this. It is very odd, but once I did that he was more willing to talk about things. I didn't stick with it though, I am still learning a lot. Try to focus on all of the positive things about him. Start doing that today. Instead of focusing on the "hate" you have for him, focus on the good things. Not in a sappy oh I wish he was here right now way, try to do it with little emotion(unless you are able to be happy as you do it). To be with this guy for so long you must have liked certain things about him. To miss him you must have loved many things. He is not a villain but a human being that needs to feel loved and appreciated as well. The reason I am responding to you this way, is because you have the desire to make it work and it seems like he doesn't want it to end either. That is an indication that you guys are still connected. So why not make it better than ever. He is staying with a friend. Do you know what hes probably doing? Just chilling with the guys trying to bring himself to a place emotionally where he can feel good. Of course it is running through his head what happened, but he literally removed himself from the situation. It is harder for you because you are still home, but try to do that. You have to work on yourself and be the best you that you can be. If he is your "twin flame" than he will pick up on this when he is around you. He will notice your positive shift. Keep sending him love, think of him in a loving way. I have seen relationships transform this way...
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Thank you again, this posting has been helping me so much. I want to just go home from work and read this over and over until I can actually be it, do it and live it. if that makes sense... Anyhow,,,wow, I just peeked at his email account and he deleted all the emails he had in his inbox except for the one's I had sent him and they were nice one's. ahhhhhhhh. he hasn't let go, you are right. He is just stepping back and taking a look at things, and I don't blame him although I am not the only one that needs to make changes. I just need a little advice about what is the best way to handle the situation if he contacts me via text. Right now there is no contact and I haven't text him, called him, or emailed him, but what if he texts me the word "hi" or "hello" or "how r u" Then what? Do i continue NC until he calls me or says I want to talk and work things out? I know I need to consider his feelings too. I like what you wrote about him not being a villain. He does have feelings too and I forget about that cause he is macho. But he is also very very loving.
DarkAngel7 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 That's where I am butterfly...I don't know when I should respond. I know he is going to text me soon...thats just how he is. He isn't going to wait for me to go first. And actually I tried calling him the other day and he texted back " I don't feel like arguing" lol. I know it's not funny, but he basically knew responding to me at that time was not going to result in anything good. I really freaked out a few days ago. Just glad I am becoming myself again and seeing things the way i should be. It is hard to do NC when the neither of you ended things, because you kind of want to know. I would say don't respond until you feel better. Basically don't take any motivated action...you know what I mean? If you take motivated action you may feel bad when he hasn't healed yet or whatever. If he says hello, and you just want to say hello back go ahead. If the first thing that goes through your mind is texting him about the situation...DONT! Like I said as women all we do is talk through things(most of us) and as men...I feel like they would rather get to business. Wait for him to reach out a bit more, and you two have cooled off. If it will make you feel better, don't respond and make him do more of the work. It really depends on the arguement etc. In my case I am going to wait for him to reach out more, because I tried and he wasn't ready...if he just says Hi I'm not going to respond.
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Are we twins going through the same situation at the same exact time? WOW - I tried to get him to talk and to come home but he had words for me. They weren't "it's over or I never want to see you again", they were you pushed me away, you did this. Anger, you know. Well, the issues that we were having had to do with things he was doing so I am going to let him do the work here because really in all reality, I love him, I miss him, but things weren't where they should have been and I may have went at it the wrong way to get my point across, but he knows what he is doing and well I know deep down what I want and don't want, will and won't put up with and well he needs to put some effort forth if he decides he wants to work things through. I will do my best when the time is right if it works out that way, but really most of the issues are things he needs to think about and come to terms with. Whether he does that or not will be entirely up to him. I almost feel like I became his mother rather than his partner, that became really hard. I can't do that. He needs to be stronger. Almost time to go home...that will tell me a little more if his things are gone and if he took the dog. doubt it but hey you really never know where someone's heart and thoughts are. I guess we will see. I will keep you updated. I am still angry so I know I am not ready to talk to him. I actually keep getting angrier the more time and space he allows between us. Needed or not, it hurts.
DarkAngel7 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I totally understand what you are saying. I feel like he kind of pushed me to be the bad guy....but maybe if I was more patient...I don't know... I know I miss him and I don't feel it is over. He never told me it was over or implied that. It is just a shock when I see he hasn't called or texted me today. I want to make things right, I want us both to start over. As far as your guy, isn't it good if he didn't move this things? It shows he didnt check out of the relationship...Why do you want him to take his stuff?
Author butterfly2011 Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 It's not that I want him to take his stuff, but he threw such a fit over getting his stuff and he really didn't need to since he obviously doesn't want to take it from the house. I think besides any issues we are having, he is using this as his time away to have fun and do whatever he feels like doing. Basically pretending to punish me but actually doing stuff that he wants to do without having to say honey, what do you think? I am hurt over that of course and like I said earlier the reason for him leaving was because my big mouth during an argument or disagreement. And the disagreement was something I think he should think about. Anyways the NC thing is best for me right now. I am so glad I got to this point.
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