Jimmm Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I messed up my last contact this morning and I hope this letter gets my feelings across without coming off as pining or whiney. Please read and tell me what you think. Jane, I know I ****ed up this morning. I only meant to say a few words - basically just the words you'll read here - I didn't mean to pressure you into giving me answers you didn't have but I ended up doing it anyways. Once I started talking to you in person and you told me you didn't hate me, my resolve wavered, it was hard seeing you. And I'm disappointed in myself, I know you didn't need to talk, but you let me talk and I took advantage. I'm sorry and I'm looking forward to putting that kind of **** behind me. I made you leave here on the verge of tears again and it's not ok with me. I regret it more than you know. I never payed enough attention to your tears. I always dismissed your emotions because I didn't want to compromise my "logic" to relate with you. I deserve to have my ass beat for it, but my goal is to learn from my mistakes, not dwell on them. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve an apology. I wasn't going to send you more emotional ****, but I hope you realize this isn't some tear-jerker or sob story. I'm sad of course, my best friend and lover are both gone and, but I'm not bitter or un-accepting. And I hope you know that I'm not giving up on you, but rather I'm giving you up. I'd fight GSP and Randy Couture in a 2 on 1 ****ing death match if I thought that was the right thing to do. Fighting for you now isn't right for either of us though so I have no issues letting go and wouldn't let us be "us" right now anyways. I'm giving you back to yourself. So you can find what you need to find, and be who you need to be. I think the world of you and I always will. You're the best, the absolute ****ing coolest girl I've ever known, in every way. I regret nothing about our time together. I'm so glad to have our memories and will always cherish them. I will always remember how awesome you were and how perfect our good times were, and when I talk about you it will be "yah, she was ****ing amazing" and if they ask what happened I'll say "we needed to live our own lives for the better but she'll always be special to me." because that's the truth. I am grateful that my last 5 years was spent with you. I am grateful that because of you I will be a much better person in the future. I know what so many of my faults are because of you, no one else could ever call me on my bull**** like you. I'm not perfect, I never was and I'm not as smart as I think I am. I'm glad to have had you to help me realize it. You're a big part of the reason I'm so excited to work on myself. Mentally, physically, financially - all aspects of me that I've neglected, because I know that you were right about me, and if I can be the man you deserve then I'll be good enough for anyone. I wish that I was able to fix my faults while I was with you, but that never would have happened. I need to do it on my own, I need to find myself again. I made all of my goals "our goals" and it robbed us both of our independence. I'm excited to get back my sense of adventure and to open myself up to other people again. I know you can do the same. I hope a year from now you feel better about you than you've ever felt. I won't be pining for you, talking to you, or seeing you, but I will never stop loving our memories and your character. I will always hold you in the highest regard. And I really believe that if our love was real - and I think we both feel it was and that's was why we tried to hard to stay together - then maybe we'll talk again someday when we're past our issues. Maybe our spark will still be there or maybe not. And if that day never comes, if we've both moved on for the better, then it's obviously meant to be that way. But no matter how it goes, there is nothing to be sad about, we're both getting what we need and deserve with this breakup. I hope you are able to have fun, live life, and always be happy. Your smile is beautiful to hide. Also, since it's important to mention, I think we can easily take care of our remaining responsibilities without any more emotion. We're past that and I feel fine just knowing you don't hate me. You forgot a lot of stuff when you left here today, sorry - I think I made you want to leave in a rush but you're more than welcome to come and get stuff tomorrow while I'm at school.
suddendumpee Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I almost did this same type of thing. WAYYYY to a$$ kissy and desperate. You want her back? Disappear. Trust me on this one, and read my story if you must.
Author Jimmm Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Post a link and I will def read it. I was ready to disappear today but after I pushed her away YET AGAIN this morning by asking questions instead of telling her a summary of what I typed I felt like I needed to get it right because all I want is for her not to leave mad, and I feel like I can accomplish that. I can still let her know how she mattered to me, because I know she still loves me. She still wants the man I was when we met. I want to let her know that my goals are to be that person and more for my own good.
MissBennett Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Sorry Suddendumpee, I have to disagree. OP- It is never easy to admit we're wrong. but sometimes, there is just no escaping the fact that we are. I think that owning and taking responsibility for your own actions and behaviours is truly commendable. especially when it requires you to suck up your pride and put yourself on the line to do so. OP, Owning and taking responsibility for your actions/behaviour, I dont think is a$$ kissy or desperate. you know what, I dont know her, and maybe it may serve her ego, (or whatever) but you know what? it truly doesnt matter what she thinks. (as sad as it would be for her to react negatively towards it) At the end of the day, you live your life the way you would be proud of at the end of it. This is your life. yours. and you will have to live with you for the rest of your life. you and noone else. Many a philosopher has said - we cannot change that people will act in a certain way. we sometimes cannot even help the situations we are put in. The only thing we can change is our attitude and our own behaviours. I personally think there is a great sense of peace that can be found in that. five years is a significant amount of time to spend with someone, and by the sounds of it, there was no huge anmosity in the breakup... seems to me like there is too much between you to let a crack turn into a huge rift and severing of a bond because of words unsaid. (want to have a chat with my ex? ha ha) At the end of the day, the response doesnt matter. I think if you do give over these heartfelt words, you can walk away with your head held high, knowing that you have prevailed with honesty and integrity. and you can be proud of that
flitzanu Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 here's the problem. regardless of whether or not you admit that you are hoping or expecting for a reply from this, you ARE EXPECTING to hear from her after reading it. if she does, chances are slim it's going to be what you want to hear. if she doesn't, then it's going to piss you off or hurt you more, and you're going to think you missed writing ONE thing and write another letter trying to BETTER explain your feelings and retain sense of pride, and it will just go downhill. fair warning dude. a simple text can be just as effective. "i'm truly sorry for all my mistakes, i'd hoped things would work out so differently."
suddendumpee Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I agree with flitzanu on the simple/short text (if anything at all). The problem is that this long, drawn out message will be perceived as a lame attempt at reconciliation with a side of "too little too late". She needs more time to reflect on things, as do you. If you give this time, THEN send this kind of message AFTER giving her some time to miss you, it will appear that you really thought about this vs. being a lame attempt to win her back. Do this too soon and she will not trust the words, and you may never get this chance again.
Author Jimmm Posted March 29, 2011 Author Posted March 29, 2011 Well, I sent the letter. I changed it a little, but not much. Kinda reworded some things, added only a little and sent it yesterday. She didn't respond and I knew she wouldn't. It's cool. That's what I want. All I'm doing is positive ****. I worked on myself all day today and it feels great. I know that it's going to take time, but when I'm done working on me, I know I'll be able to get her back. If it was wrong, if it hurt my chances, whatever because I feel better and that's what I needed. The time is going to be the hardest, because I have so much to work on myself. I won't be changing over night. She can rebound, pretend she hates me for now, do whatever she wants because I'm not worried about her, only me. The next time I see her - If I feel like I still want her, I'm gonna sweep her off her feet. When she sees that I'm the old alpha that I used to be, she's going to wonder if I still feel like I did when I wrote that letter. And I won't let her think so a second I do if I do, and it'll be her turn to chase me. That's the goal and I'm going to make it happen. She's coming by tomorrow to get stuff and I'm going to purposefully not be there and will be doing the dog exchange through a mutual friend (who I will be making sure only see's me kicking ass in case she asks about me)
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