You know what they say about history...

[tigressA]

The problem with evaluating someone's commitment/whether or not they are looking to cheat is that, absent concrete evidence, it is very difficult to determine. Short of hiring a private investigator, it's just one of those things that requires faith. However, if you're someone like me, a curious, truth-seeking, somewhat paranoid bugger, it makes life kind of difficult to live the second you smell anything that reeks of possible infidelity. For those reasons, I greatly empathize with you, tigressA.

 

Yep, that's me.

 

I'm going to talk with him about it more, but I know I will have to get past the fact that he didn't delete that profile completely of his own accord. I will have to forget the "What if I hadn't found it? Would he have kept it up until it expired, or even renewed it?" I know I can't even ask him that question because I won't trust his answer anyway. That is the one thing I will have to put behind me, no questions asked.

[JohnnyCage]

And also he might open a different account and make sure you never find out about it. If he is on a matrimonial site then mostly he is going to go for an arranged marriage. And I am assuming his family knows nothing about you (and I wouldn't be surprised if I am right about this )

 

Ask him if he can call his family in front of you and tell them that he is in a relationship with you. I am saying it again if he cannot do that then he is just playing you. When the time comes for his marriage he will dump you and get married.

[tigressA]

And also he might open a different account and make sure you never find out about it. If he is on a matrimonial site then mostly he is going to go for an arranged marriage. And I am assuming his family knows nothing about you (and I wouldn't be surprised if I am right about this )

 

Ask him if he can call his family in front of you and tell them that he is in a relationship with you. I am saying it again if he cannot do that then he is just playing you. When the time comes for his marriage he will dump you and get married.

 

We've been together for a little less than 2 months. I haven't asked if he's explicitly told any of his family about me, so I don't know for sure about that, but our relationship has been on FB for the past month or so and he has his sister, brother and sister-in-law as friends. I haven't even told my own family about him.

[JohnnyCage]

We've been together for a little less than 2 months. I haven't asked if he's explicitly told any of his family about me, so I don't know for sure about that, but our relationship has been on FB for the past month or so and he has his sister, brother and sister-in-law as friends. I haven't even told my own family about him.

That's good then but I would still ask him if he can tell his parents about you. Just breach the subject here and see his response. And you said he has been receiving some kind of notifications from the matrimonial site and he knew about it. But if he really exclusive with you he would have deleted it long time ago.

[JohnnyCage]

He's been as forthcoming as a guy in his situation can be. I think you should leave it for now, don't bring it up again, and just keep your eyes open. His behavior to this point indicates commitment, and you really enjoy being with him, don't ruin it by digging this up again. Dwell on it for too long, and he's going to start questioning the relationship.

I would disagree here. I am saying this guy being Indian is probably dating a white girl and getting everything he would need sexually from her. End of the day mostly all Indian men will marry someone their parents will choose for him or someone his parents will agree with and that will have to be an Indian girl.

 

The reason I asked tigress if his family knew about her was because I know that once his marriage gets fixed she will be dumped. Indian girls (mostly) don't have sex before marriage. Forget sex they don't even kiss before marriage because it's a cultural thing and because most of them fear of the repercussions if their families come to know of this. So Indian men will obviously look to date a non-Indian (or Asian) woman who will have sex with them or kiss them etc etc before marriage.

 

But when the time comes when they need to confront their parents they will dump the girl (unless she is also Indian and the same religion) without blinking twice.

 

PS: I am not saying all Indian men are like this but I can say it's true for the majority. Unless they were born and raised here

[tigressA]

There's a line between taking a step in a relationship borne out of natural progression, and taking a step just to prove that you're all in in hopes of making the other person less insecure. I know I would be crossing the line over into the latter if I were to ask him to do, really, anything for me--even though he explicitly stated a desire to know of and do whatever he could to make me trust him. I know that even if he does anything I might ask of him, I would still be questioning him to a certain extent at this stage. So I need to resolve my own issues.

[BobSacamento]

It appears like you want him to be your BF but he is not prepared to be your BF. I would take a step back and return to just dating him or begin dating other people. Might not be what you want but if I was in your shoes it would aid me mentally.

[tigressA]

Johnny Cage, I think his membership to a matrimonial dating site, shows that the guy is willing to make his own choice. I am wondering though Tigress, is this a site he is paying for or a free one?

 

I checked it out and there are different membership options. If it's free then there are more restrictions than if you pay--free members can only express interest and respond to messages, not send them. I don't know if he was paying or not. The email notifications I saw in his inbox correlated to only having initial incoming interest, no responses to something he'd sent or responded to. And the last email from the site was 5 days before I made my discovery.

 

I see where you're coming from with the paying question. If he was paying, then it's definitely more likely that he had ulterior motives because why would he waste money letting his profile sit around?

 

I don't know how I'm going to talk to him about this again. If anything I feel even worse now than I did yesterday.

[threebyfate]

tigress, did his response align with what he told you prior?

 

For example, didn't he say that at one time, his family was harassing him about getting married and he didn't want to do so? Or am I confusing him with "C"?

[tigressA]

If you have to bring it up again, I suggest make it a general commitment conversation and not bring up this incident.

 

He would know what it's really about; he's not stupid. And we're both similar in that we have a habit of coming back to old topics, so he wouldn't be put off by me bringing it up. He was the one who brought it up every time we discussed it yesterday.

 

TBF, yeah, his family was bugging him about that a bit. His parents had tried to set him up with a few different girls too, but the last time that happened was a couple months or so before we met.

[threebyfate]

Try not to focus on the situations themselves and focus on his attitude about marriage and arranged marriages. What did he say in reference to his own opinions?

[tigressA]

Try not to focus on the situations themselves and focus on his attitude about marriage and arranged marriages. What did he say in reference to his own opinions?

 

From his actions he was looking to find someone on his own, but was also open to being set up by his family if he hadn't met anyone. A backburner option, if you will. If he didn't like any women his family picked for him then he didn't bother with them further. Either way, who he ended up with would have ultimately been his decision. This is what went on until we met.

 

We have similar feelings about marriage--that it's a very big commitment, etc. We're both a bit fearful of it, and our fears are much the same. There's no real disparity in our views.

[threebyfate]

From his actions he was looking to find someone on his own, but was also open to being set up by his family if he hadn't met anyone. A backburner option, if you will. If he didn't like any women his family picked for him then he didn't bother with them further. Either way, who he ended up with would have ultimately been his decision. This is what went on until we met.

 

We have similar feelings about marriage--that it's a very big commitment, etc. We're both a bit fearful of it, and our fears are much the same. There's no real disparity in our views.

So, does joining a marriage site align with your understanding of his prior position and did his explanation of such, align with the same?

[tigressA]

So, does joining a marriage site align with your understanding of his prior position and did his explanation of such, align with the same?

 

Yeah, it does. As I said multiple times, he had joined last year. He said his sister had set it up for him. And again, there was no real evidence that he intended to betray me. From everything that has been said and done he never took it too seriously, which I suppose for him would be a valid enough reason to not delete it.

 

I just heard breaking news...my employer hired someone new already, and they are coming in to start a week from Sunday, so I have to be out of here by then. I guess I will see if BF is as good as his word soon enough.

[threebyfate]

Yeah, it does. As I said multiple times, he had joined last year. He said his sister had set it up for him. And again, there was no real evidence that he intended to betray me. From everything that has been said and done he never took it too seriously, which I suppose for him would be a valid enough reason to not delete it.

I took you through it so you could decide on your own. Most often, I find that working through the logical process helps me to solidify my thoughts and feelings.

 

You're the person who's been dating him, not the rest of us. We can only go by our interpretation of your perception of events.

 

I just heard breaking news...my employer hired someone new already, and they are coming in to start a week from Sunday, so I have to be out of here by then. I guess I will see if BF is as good as his word soon enough.

Sorry, I don't know the circumstances behind this.

[Imajerk17]

Maybe your girlfriend is not that into you. Have you ever considered that? When I am not that into a guy, I am completely fine with everything. I never act crazy because I just do not care enough. Just something to ponder.

 

 

Maybe you're not a benchmark for how a healthy woman acts. Have you ever considered that? Women who are truly into a guy don't offer NSA sex to another guy 3 days before becoming exclusive. Just something to ponder.

Edited March 28, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Star Gazer]

Maybe you're not a benchmark for how a healthy woman acts.

 

I really do have to agree with this.

[SmileFace]

I really do have to agree with this.

Me too...............

[tigressA]

Sorry, I don't know the circumstances behind this.

 

I should probably start a separate thread about it, but I made the big mistake of telling my current employer that I was looking for a new job, without really having anything lined up. I did have an initial interview somewhere last week, and have another interview later this week. I've been applying for positions every day, put my resume up on numerous sites. My employer put an ad up for my replacement last week and told me today that he hired someone who's starting on the 10th (which is, funnily, BF's birthday) so I have to be out by then.

 

Because I'm a live-in caretaker, being out of this job also means being homeless. BF was the first to know I was looking for other employment, and he had readily offered to have me stay with him. I intended to only take him up on that once I already had a job, and only stay until I found a place for myself. Last night however, BF wondered aloud why I didn't just quit and stay with him while looking for a job--he knows I've become really unhappy where I am. I asserted that I'm only staying as long as I can for financial reasons and that I would stay until I either found a new job or was forced out. He said he understood and didn't press further. It's mostly a matter of pride for me. I knew he was looking out for my mental/emotional welfare, and I was/am much more focused on practicality and maintaining as much independence as possible.

 

I found out today that essentially I'm being forced out, and much earlier than I thought I would be (yes, I realize it's my own stupid fault, so no use calling me out on that). I called BF right after I found out and he told me that everything's fine, I'll stay with him whether or not I find a job by the deadline. I am going to do my utmost to remain financially independent for as long as possible; I'm not in this to take advantage.

Edited March 28, 2011 by tigressA

[threebyfate]

I should probably start a separate thread about it, but I made the big mistake of telling my current employer that I was looking for a new job, without really having anything lined up. I did have an initial interview somewhere last week, and have another interview later this week. I've been applying for positions every day, put my resume up on numerous sites. My employer put an ad up for my replacement last week and told me today that he hired someone who's starting on the 10th (which is, funnily, BF's birthday) so I have to be out by then.

 

Because I'm a live-in caretaker, being out of this job also means being homeless. BF was the first to know I was looking for other employment, and he had readily offered to have me stay with him. I intended to only take him up on that once I already had a job, and only stay until I found a place for myself. Last night however, BF wondered aloud why I didn't just quit and stay with him while looking for a job--he knows I've become really unhappy where I am. I asserted that I'm only staying as long as I can for financial reasons and that I would stay until I either found a new job or was forced out.

 

I found out today that essentially I'm being forced out, and much earlier than I thought I would be (yes, I realize it's my own stupid fault, so no use calling me out on that). I called BF right after I found out and he told me that everything's fine, I'll stay with him whether or not I find a job by the deadline. I am going to do my utmost to remain financially independent for as long as possible; I'm not in this to take advantage.

That sucks about your job. This sounds like a good opportunity to get to know him better.

[tigressA]

That sucks about your job. This sounds like a good opportunity to get to know him better.

 

Yeah, it does suck. I can't believe I was stupid enough to say anything without having something already in the bag! I basically cursed myself, temporarily anyway, to a level of dependence I was trying to avoid. :mad:

 

I have mixed emotions about living with BF. I'm looking forward to getting out of a situation that's made me pretty unhappy over the last few months, but I'm upset that I screwed it up so that the departure isn't happening the way I wanted it to. I'm happy about automatically getting to spend more time with BF, but I'm all pissy about the extent to which I will be dependent on him, and the possible extent to which I could end up dependent on him, based on what takes place in the coming weeks/months.

 

I don't plan to bitch and whine about it though. I have been very active in the job search and I plan to be even more so once I am cohabiting with BF. In fact I'll have even more freedom to search while there, that is if I'll have to. I do have an interview this week.

[Imajerk17]

Well TigressA, we all make mistakes, and good for you for being self-aware to see it for what it is.

 

Paradise just can't last forever you know.

 

It just sounds to me overall that you went too fast. Of course you don't trust the guy completely--there is an awful lot at stake and you've known him for less than 2 months. I'm not sure what to make of you moving in with him at this stage either.

 

You fell in love with each other, now you have to keep on getting to know each other, faults and all.

[Imajerk17]

Argh. I'm going to talk with him about it more. I want to get this out of my system. I feel like things are tarnished. Everything was lovely, not a hint of anything wrong, and now I'm questioning all of it.

 

I feel the need to point this out. Your expectations of paradise lasting forever on earth when it comes to love are unrealistic. Until you disabuse yourself of that expectation, this relationship is going to end and so will your ones after that. Your boyfriend is human and is going to let you down. You are human and are going to let your boyfriend down.

 

Doubts from time to time after only 2 months are perfectly normal. If you get flustered by something like this, you will drive him away.

[threebyfate]

Yeah, it does suck. I can't believe I was stupid enough to say anything without having something already in the bag! I basically cursed myself, temporarily anyway, to a level of dependence I was trying to avoid. :mad:

 

I have mixed emotions about living with BF. I'm looking forward to getting out of a situation that's made me pretty unhappy over the last few months, but I'm upset that I screwed it up so that the departure isn't happening the way I wanted it to. I'm happy about automatically getting to spend more time with BF, but I'm all pissy about the extent to which I will be dependent on him, and the possible extent to which I could end up dependent on him, based on what takes place in the coming weeks/months.

 

I don't plan to bitch and whine about it though. I have been very active in the job search and I plan to be even more so once I am cohabiting with BF. In fact I'll have even more freedom to search while there, that is if I'll have to. I do have an interview this week.

Try not to worry about the dependency aspect. Focus on your job search since the dependency aspect will be moot, once you've found a job.

 

In other words, focus on solutions, not what might negatively happen in a situation that's not really in your control, at least right now.

 

You've got lots of positive energy. Bubble forth dearling!

[tigressA]

I feel the need to point this out. Your expectations of paradise lasting forever on earth when it comes to love are unrealistic. Until you disabuse yourself of that expectation, this relationship is going to end and so will your ones after that. Your boyfriend is human and is going to let you down. You are human and are going to let your boyfriend down.

 

Doubts from time to time after only 2 months are perfectly normal. If you get flustered by something like this, you will drive him away.

 

Yeah, I know. Perhaps a statement like that from me is telling, but I was pretty distraught. I didn't expect something like this to happen; it was a disappointing surprise.

 

I just got off the phone with BF and we had a long talk; he had been bothered by something too. We both feel much better now that the air is cleared, and much more confident about the temporary cohabitation.

 

Edit: Thanks, TBF. You're right, I shouldn't focus on what might happen since once I am employed again the issue will be nonexistent. I can be hard on myself when it comes to this sort of thing.

Edited March 29, 2011 by tigressA