tigressA Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 (Sometimes) it repeats itself. I was at BF's place for the weekend and while he was in the bathroom I was on his computer, checking my mail. I thought of something I had to look up and while I was typing it in the address bar, something came up in the browsing history--some matrimonial dating website. My stomach felt like it dropped out of me and I felt bile rising in the back of my throat; I started shivering and mentally questioning everything that had taken place between us. BF came out of the bathroom and he saw from my face that something was wrong. I had packed up all my stuff and without thinking of a more rational way to talk to him about what I'd seen, I asked him to take me home. He asked me what was wrong. I said, "I almost don't want to say it because I don't want to think that you of all people could do this to me." I said that site had popped up in his browsing history. Instead of going off on me, he asked me if I wanted to go through everything. I didn't say anything, and he said, "I was just checking notifications I got through my email. My sister created a profile for me on that site last year. I'll delete it, but I'm not sure if that will make you trust me more. You're the only one and have been since we first met. If you need to, you can go through everything right now. I have nothing to hide." He went to his account on the site and deleted it; he searched in his email using a keyword so I could see the notifications--in the brief time I swept my eyes over it I saw that it was all initial incoming, no incoming responses generated from any activity on his part. The most recent email was 6 days old. I cried a little. We talked about it a lot. When BF brought it up some hours later on our way back from the store, he asked me, "How do you know I wasn't lying?" And THAT really set me off. It was pretty much word-for-word what my scumbag ex, C, said to me when we had our exclusivity discussion and he said he wasn't seeing anyone else (and that was a lie). I said, "You've got to be f*cking kidding me. G*d, you're an a**hole. You seriously just said that to me?!" He immediately apologized, said it was wrong of him, that he meant it in a purely rational sense (trying to discuss the concept of trust) and realized it sounded manipulative. I realized that I still don't completely trust him. Whenever something goes slightly awry (or very awry, like this episode) I immediately paint him with the "C" brush. I was ready to walk out of BF's apartment after what I saw, ready to instantly break up with him, without even thinking of what was really behind it. Now he's seen that I'm impetuous and will react very irrationally to issues that will pop up--and there will be many popping up if we intend to be together for a long time. I've told him about the disaster that my last relationship was, and at one time I wondered aloud if I should have given myself more time before dating again. BF told me he wants to know if there's anything he can do to increase my trust in him, and he'll do it. I know it's mostly my issue, though. I'm not sure how to curb my impulsiveness.
utterer of lies Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 History is repeating because you insist on not learning from your experiences.
Girlygirl1977 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I am sorry you are feeling sad and I hope you are able to work through this. I have a number of Indian friends and have also been to India. In my view it is a culture which may have the highest pressure as far as marriage (and often at a young-ish age still). Of all my friends, the Indian ones have the most pressure even here in NY to marry. There is also often a pressure to marry not only an Indian but of course a Hindu even if they are Indian and then even more often someone from their state/language group (e.g. Gujurati etc.). So I imagine he has some of these pressures as he was born there and his family still lives there. I think you have an interest in guys directly from India so these trends are likely. I dont know more about the situation between you two, but just added my quick thoughts more generally.
Author tigressA Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) I wasn't surprised at the inherent nature of the site; I'm more than familiar with the cultural stuff...I was just surprised--and extremely disappointed--that I saw it in his recent history, since we've been exclusive from our first date. My first assumption was that he had been going behind my back, because it's what I dealt with in my last relationship. When he showed me everything it was clear that he hadn't had intention to betray me. He had indeed joined that site last year, and his profile, before he deleted it right in front of me, said his subscription would expire this summer. I know that if someone really wants to cheat, they will find a way to do it, and go about it so that their partner will be none the wiser. He really doesn't have anything to hide--when I had to use his phone once, he gave me the password without hesitation, and then later did away with it completely. And if he had had something to hide with regard to that site, I doubt he would've left it right there in his browsing history since he knows I use his computer. I'm kind of ashamed for how I went about things--I was all drama, telling him to take me home with no intention of even telling him what was upsetting me. This is how I am when I'm angry; I speak and act on first impulse. After all this time I still haven't curbed that, and like I said in my OP other problems will pop up in this relationship. If my first outward response is a display of utter distrust of my partner, closely followed by a desire to just walk out...he's going to question my maturity and readiness for a serious relationship. I'm questioning that a bit myself. I'm soon to be 24, he's soon to be 30. Maybe age is more than just a number in this situation. Edited March 28, 2011 by tigressA
Kamille Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I'm kind of ashamed for how I went about things--I was all drama, telling him to take me home with no intention of even telling him what was upsetting me. This is how I am when I'm angry; I speak and act on first impulse. After all this time I still haven't curbed that, and like I said in my OP other problems will pop up in this relationship. If my first outward response is a display of utter distrust of my partner, closely followed by a desire to just walk out...he's going to question my maturity and readiness for a serious relationship. tigressA, if it's any comfort, I used to be a lot more extreme than I am now when bf and I had conflicts. You will change your reactions with time and as he gains your trust. I'd been in two relationships where control was an issue, and it took me awhile to realize that with bf, I didn't have to be quite as categorical in my reactions. That I could approach issues calmly, knowing we would be able to discuss them and likely find a solution for them. So don't beat yourself up. You've apologized for your reaction, were mature enough to realize it was counter-productive, so chances are, next time an issue comes up, you will react differently (if only slightly). Trust comes with time. And your reaction to finding out he was on a matrimonial site isn't that exaggerate. Of course you got upset! Who wouldn't? I don't fully understand why he was opening those messages - I imagine he explained and it sounds like you accept his explanation. I'm glad he took action to make you feel better because, in my view, he had no business keeping that account open.
Author tigressA Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) And your reaction to finding out he was on a matrimonial site isn't that exaggerate. Of course you got upset! Who wouldn't? I don't fully understand why he was opening those messages - I imagine he explained and it sounds like you accept his explanation. I'm glad he took action to make you feel better because, in my view, he had no business keeping that account open. Yeah, that was my thought--why the h*ll would he still have that when he's with me? But pretty often you see threads like this where an OP is wondering why their partner still has an open account somewhere, blah blah, and quite a few people here have mentioned curiosity as a reason for still being "active", which is reasonable. As I said, from all that I saw, it was clear that he had just been checking notifications that were few and far between and he hadn't responded to anything. If I still had my dating profile up, I'd be checking my messages too. I wouldn't respond, but I'd check them. We had never talked about taking down any profiles we had up. I disabled my OKC account soon after we met but I hadn't said anything about it to him. I suppose he didn't see any inherent issue with keeping his up since we never discussed it, and he wasn't "active" beyond checking notifications. I was super-shaken though, particularly because of what happened with C. It wasn't even a dating site that had popped up in C's history; it had been porn sites, and I knew something was wrong but didn't want to admit it to myself. I had been afraid to bring it up to him because we had almost come to blows before. With BF, I wasn't afraid to confront him. I hadn't had a feeling like something was wrong at all until I saw the site in his history, then my heart sank and I assumed I had been terribly naive this whole time. BF felt really terrible about how the whole situation played out, especially after he made that "How do you know I'm not lying" comment that was word-for-word what I had heard from my ex's mouth during our exclusivity discussion. I had told BF about things that happened with C and he thinks that I was abused by him, to an extent. I wonder if he's right. With him I was in a situation that I would've told any other girl to run from. A lot of other posters here told me what was really going on and I chose to ignore it. I thought I would never have let myself get into a relationship like that, and it was like I had to convince myself that I didn't until I couldn't hide from the truth anymore. Edited March 28, 2011 by tigressA
GivenUp0083 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Wow TigressA, reading about girls as crazy as you make me appreciate my girlfriend that much more. Get some help. You're never going to have a successful relationship if you're going to jump to such conclusions and have the world crash down around you every time you see something that confuses you. It's sad because the dude sounds like he is a pretty good guy that would treat you well, but you're going to scare him away.
Author tigressA Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Wow TigressA, reading about girls as crazy as you make me appreciate my girlfriend that much more. Get some help. You're never going to have a successful relationship if you're going to jump to such conclusions and have the world crash down around you every time you see something that confuses you. It's sad because the dude sounds like he is a pretty good guy that would treat you well, but you're going to scare him away. Yes, calling me crazy and posting here like I am unaware of and haven't already acknowledged my issues with trust is a HUGE help. Thank you!
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Wow TigressA, reading about girls as crazy as you make me appreciate my girlfriend that much more. Get some help. You're never going to have a successful relationship if you're going to jump to such conclusions and have the world crash down around you every time you see something that confuses you. It's sad because the dude sounds like he is a pretty good guy that would treat you well, but you're going to scare him away. Maybe your girlfriend is not that into you. Have you ever considered that? When I am not that into a guy, I am completely fine with everything. I never act crazy because I just do not care enough. Just something to ponder.
SmileFace Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Maybe your girlfriend is not that into you. Have you ever considered that? When I am not that into a guy, I am completely fine with everything. I never act crazy because I just do not care enough. Just something to ponder. That is not normal? I hate the word normal but that really isn't right. Sorry, Tigress that you are dealing with this. Please take the time to go over the situation and do what you have to do to learn from it. All the best.
Kamille Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Honestly Tigress, I think I'm just feeling a bit protective. In your relationship with C, you were pretty big on putting yourself into question and on improving yourself. This is what I felt you were doing here when you started questioning your reaction and wondering about maturity. C took advantage of that side of you, a side which in and of itself is admirable. I know your current bf isn't C and he likely won't take advantage of your propensity for self-reflection and self-improvement. I just think your reaction is understandable and completely forgivable, as understandable and forgivable as his action. I also see the silver lining, in that you realize you perhaps over-reacted, and that realization is all you need to step forward and notice it the next time you feel this way.
Author tigressA Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Honestly Tigress, I think I'm just feeling a bit protective. In your relationship with C, you were pretty big on putting yourself into question and on improving yourself. This is what I felt you were doing here when you started questioning your reaction and wondering about maturity. C took advantage of that side of you, a side which in and of itself is admirable. I know your current bf isn't C and he likely won't take advantage of your propensity for self-reflection and self-improvement. I just think your reaction is understandable and completely forgivable, as understandable and forgivable as his action. I also see the silver lining, in that you realize you perhaps over-reacted, and that realization is all you need to step forward and notice it the next time you feel this way. I didn't realize until I was deep into things with C that I had the propensity for self-reflection, and that it could be taken advantage of. I've actually had more people lately tell me I seem easily manipulated and gullible. It pisses me off because I feel like they think of me as a child they can control. And perhaps they can or are right now, how can I know for certain?
GivenUp0083 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Yes, calling me crazy and posting here like I am unaware of and haven't already acknowledged my issues with trust is a HUGE help. Thank you! Then why don't you do something about it? Why don't you see a therapist? Trust me, they help a lot. Do yourself and the future men that cross your path a favor. Maybe your girlfriend is not that into you. Have you ever considered that? When I am not that into a guy, I am completely fine with everything. I never act crazy because I just do not care enough. Just something to ponder. I can appreciate you playing devil's advocate, but I'm 100% sure that my girlfriend is very into me and has never given me any reason not to believe so.
snug.bunny Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 That's a toughie.... We can suggest ways for you to address the situation in response to your discovery, your knee-jerk reaction in response to your feelings, but how does that change what was revealed in terms of your boyfriend's activity on a dating website? Maybe the theory holds true, that a person is not fully committed unless they are in love/love the other person, and maybe your boyfriend just isn't at that "place" yet. His deletion of the account to prove his devotion, does seem to indicate that he cares about you, but is it enough for you and is it enough that he did it AFTER you found out versus a desire to do so without being prompted.... I'm not sure how long the two of you have been together, but prior to the relationship, you were both single, available and looking. So, I think you need to determine, was his presence on that website, him single, available and still looking and actively pursuing? Or, is it a case of his single life, before he met you.
TheBigQuestion Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Maybe your girlfriend is not that into you. Have you ever considered that? When I am not that into a guy, I am completely fine with everything. I never act crazy because I just do not care enough. Just something to ponder. So are you implying that acting crazy is acceptable as long as you're "into" the guy? I'm sorry, but no one in their right mind thinks that impulsive, obsessive, or ultra-sensitive reactions are the norm for "healthy" relationships. Perhaps GivenUp was a tad over-judgmental, but there's no reason to jump into the deep end yourself. Also, I'm not implying that tigress is any of these things. If anything she demonstrates a greater desire to learn, grow, and accept advice from other posters more than most posters here.
Author tigressA Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) His deletion of the account to prove his devotion, does seem to indicate that he cares about you, but is it enough for you and is it enough that he did it AFTER you found out versus a desire to do so without being prompted.... I'm not sure how long the two of you have been together, but prior to the relationship, you were both single, available and looking. So, I think you need to determine, was his presence on that website, him single, available and still looking and actively pursuing? Or, is it a case of his single life, before he met you. This is what's still eating at me. I haven't talked with him about it yet...I really just want to ask him WHY he even still had it up once we got together. There was really no reason for it. He showed me what I wanted to see and offered to show me more, as I said several times. There was no indication that he was doing more than checking his profile when he got an email notification, and those were few and far between. He hadn't recently joined; it was clear on the profile that he had joined early last year. It would seem that it's a case of his single life before he met me. But then the question remains...WHY would he feel the need to still have it up or even check notifications? Sure, curiosity, but...why be curious when you're supposedly committed? I said in one of my earlier posts that if I still had my profile up I would check up on notifications I received...but I wouldn't still have one up if I were truly committed to the relationship I'm in. The fact that I would still have mine up would strongly point to me not being all in. And that's what's bothering me...I'm worried that he's hanging closer to the shallow end. Argh. I'm going to talk with him about it more. I want to get this out of my system. I feel like things are tarnished. Everything was lovely, not a hint of anything wrong, and now I'm questioning all of it. Edited March 28, 2011 by tigressA
elaina Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I think it's great that he didn't get mad at you, but rather went deleted the profile and offered to let you check everything. About his comment that got you so riled up, I understand how your past made that comment get you into that state, but I do think you overreacted to that question. Hopefully he isn't doing anything sneaky... it sounds to me like he really cares for you and is willing to make the relationship work.
Author tigressA Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 I think it's great that he didn't get mad at you, but rather went deleted the profile and offered to let you check everything. About his comment that got you so riled up, I understand how your past made that comment get you into that state, but I do think you overreacted to that question. Hopefully he isn't doing anything sneaky... it sounds to me like he really cares for you and is willing to make the relationship work. I want to believe this. I really, really do. I'm questioning his commitment now because of the fact that he still had that profile up in the first place, and he was checking it, though only rarely. He's said things like how it takes him a couple of days to get used to me not being around once we say goodbye to each other on Sunday nights after spending the whole weekend together. I told him I'm looking for a new job and he encouraged me to apply to places in his city so we can be closer together (there's a 40-minute drive between us). He's even offered to have me stay with him until I find my own apartment. I'm really starting to dislike my live-in caretaker position and giving more of a thought to my mental/emotional well-being instead of my finances he said I could quit and stay with him while looking for another job. I put my foot down then, saying I would stay in the job as long as I could to have a steady cash flow, and that as a matter of pride I refused to be any more dependent than I absolutely have to be. He accepted it and didn't press me at all, but I wonder if he offered that (last night) as some sort of proof that he's all in because of what had happened earlier in the day. It's like...does one of these things outweigh the other? How can I know that he's committed? So far there have been only words with regard to me staying with him. I'm staying in the position I have now because I want to be independent and better off financially, though at expense to my mental/emotional well-being, and also because right now at least, the dating-site issue makes me wonder how committed he really is.
Star Gazer Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 He sounds like an upstanding guy. I'm a little impressed at how he handled the whole thing. Your reaction was perfectly understandable given what you experienced with C. I may have missed this, but have you talked to your BF about what happened with C?
blind_otter Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Do you think you might subjectively and unconsciously select partners that offer you challenging perspectives on fidelity for a specific reason?
confusio Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I'm not saying to trust him or not, but if you decide not to trust him, make sure you have reason not to trust him without any doubt. I have myself been hurt and accused of thousand of things by a paranoid gf when I always been the most faithful guy on earth with her no matter how badly she treat me. If you cannot trust him do both of yourself a favor and split up, life is too short to be in a relationship where you dont trust each other. It will only bring pain.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Surprised nobody mentioned how quick the OP's BF's spine disappeared in the situation. 1. He wasn't in the wrong 2. The OP totally overreacted. He shouldn't have to plea with you to calm you down. When a woman is mad at a guy for something he had no control over, he doesn't hand over his nuts on a silver platter and plea with her, asking her "what can I do?". Smdh. He needs to get his spine back and you need to work on your temper. P.S. Why am I not surprised she stayed after having her ego/power complex fed by his pleading demeanor? I'll pray for him.
JohnnyCage Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I want to believe this. I really, really do. I'm questioning his commitment now because of the fact that he still had that profile up in the first place, and he was checking it, though only rarely. He's said things like how it takes him a couple of days to get used to me not being around once we say goodbye to each other on Sunday nights after spending the whole weekend together. I told him I'm looking for a new job and he encouraged me to apply to places in his city so we can be closer together (there's a 40-minute drive between us). He's even offered to have me stay with him until I find my own apartment. I'm really starting to dislike my live-in caretaker position and giving more of a thought to my mental/emotional well-being instead of my finances he said I could quit and stay with him while looking for another job. I put my foot down then, saying I would stay in the job as long as I could to have a steady cash flow, and that as a matter of pride I refused to be any more dependent than I absolutely have to be. He accepted it and didn't press me at all, but I wonder if he offered that (last night) as some sort of proof that he's all in because of what had happened earlier in the day. It's like...does one of these things outweigh the other? How can I know that he's committed? So far there have been only words with regard to me staying with him. I'm staying in the position I have now because I want to be independent and better off financially, though at expense to my mental/emotional well-being, and also because right now at least, the dating-site issue makes me wonder how committed he really is. Before we go any further let me ask you this. Did he ever introduce you to any of his family members in India over the phone? Does his parents/sister know about you? If not ask him if he can tell them in front of you that he is in a relationship with you. If he can't and gives you an excuse or a reason that his family will get hurt about it then he is just into casual dating as long as he is getting his dose of sex from you. Trust me on this
Author tigressA Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 He sounds like an upstanding guy. I'm a little impressed at how he handled the whole thing. Your reaction was perfectly understandable given what you experienced with C. I may have missed this, but have you talked to your BF about what happened with C? I was rather impressed, too. I was expecting him to be pissed, but he was quite collected. Yes, I told him all about what happened with C. Not just the issue that paralleled this one, but everything. blind otter, I never thought of it that way before, so can't really give you an answer right now. I was unfaithful on one occasion in a LTR, but I have always owned up to it and told subsequent partners, including my current BF. And I have some acknowledged commitment phobia. Don't know if that helps.
TheBigQuestion Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 The problem with evaluating someone's commitment/whether or not they are looking to cheat is that, absent concrete evidence, it is very difficult to determine. Short of hiring a private investigator, it's just one of those things that requires faith. However, if you're someone like me, a curious, truth-seeking, somewhat paranoid bugger, it makes life kind of difficult to live the second you smell anything that reeks of possible infidelity. For those reasons, I greatly empathize with you, tigressA. As an example, my girlfriend used to date this guy (now a good friend of hers) who is a total scumbag: drugged out, cheats on his current girlfriend left and right, and jokes about it like it's something hilarious. A little while before my girlfriend and I made it official, he confessed his love for her saying something along the lines of, I **** you not, her "being the only girl I wouldn't cheat on." Naturally, she turned down this advance, and we're dating. But they're still friends, they still hang out every now and then, and he lives only a few blocks away. Based on everything else in our relationship, is it likely she will cheat on me? Probably not. Am I paranoid and now more apt to snoop around every chance I get, not just as it pertains to their communications, but to others as well? You bet. It sucks. Haha.
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