lapse Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I am finally, after many (more than 5, quite a few more probably) cycles of breaking up and getting back together, *completely* content with the decision to break up. We were together for most of the last 4 years - We lived together for 3 of those. I moved out a few months ago, and we still got back together. Since Christmas (failed counseling effort - things spewed out of that guys mouth that even surprised our counselor), I haven't wanted to be around him at all. I've avoided being alone together, have ZERO desire for intimacy... I don't trust the guy a bit. Not his loyalty or his intentions. So, needless to say, I'm no longer excited by the prospect of being with him. I broke up with him about a week ago. Truly, I have no desire to spend the rest of my life with him. THEN: Why in the hell do I feel devastated and 'empty'? Thought all the scathing happened during his badgering ass assaults on who I am. With feelings like the above, I'd figure I'd skate out unscathed at this point. I'm really mystified by my current emotional state. If anyone has any insight, I'd really appreciate it. It's really kind of a dangerous feeling - this emptiness - in that I think, in the past, I've always mistaken this for a desire to have him back. I am 100% sure I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. Why, then, do I feel 'this way'?
Author lapse Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Any thoughts? Any atall? Or am I being dense?
betterdeal Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 You're probably in a state of shock, which is usual after a difficult relationship ends. You'be got so used to being in that stressful relationship that without the stress, without the stress hormones flying around your system, you feel empty. In a way, you are. You're empty of new stress. You don't have to be on your guard all the time to deal with the stressful crap that happens when you're involved with him. You probably have emotional wounds that you can start to heal in your own time now that more are not being inflicted / you're not / he's not picking at them constantly. Many of us mistakenly find this empty feeling disturbing and turn to the person we trusted most recently - the other half in the relationship - but that tends to cause more harm and we pull away again, thus repeating a harmful and, frankly, f*cking annoying cycle. You're fine. You're reacting in the way most people do to a major shock to the system. Just stay away from him from now on. No text, email, phone, Facebook, carrier pigeons, smoke signals, no more contact. The sooner you do this the more time you have to be happy.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Your brain doesn't know that it is an unhealthy thing per se, it just knows that what was there isn't anymore and it takes awhile to process. This is grief. Your brain is trying to fill in the blanks and get you to do the same things you have always done just because that is the way it has survived before. Your limbic system becomes chemically reactive to the person you have touched and stayed with for so long, like a sort of drug. When you split with someone (depending on how close you have been) it can take up to 6 months for the limbic system to completely heal and adjust. Crappy relationships are actually more complex to grieve simply because the brain is used to the "up" and "down" of the more crazy reactions they cause. Your brain is wondering where the crazy is that it got used to. As well, when your self-esteem has been eroded by an asshat for years, you end up feeling empty or at least embarassed that you gave that time to him. Work on throwing a Hell of a lot more joy into your life. Your grief is not a sign that you should in any way take him back. In fact do not go back and make all of the grief you have gone through worth nothing.
Flgirl44 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 It's hard to end a relationship with someone after 4 years and not feel what you are describing. I'm in the process of falling out of love with someone who did some of the worst deal breakers in the history of man, but I can't shake emptiness I feel either. The only thing I think has helped is time. Realizing you have made changes and progress when you survey the past weeks/months/years gives hope and courage to continue focusing on self growth.
Author lapse Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Thanks so much to all 3 of you for taking the time to share your good insight. It makes sense that is just my brain going through the machinations. The way a wound itches when it's healing. It's a good thing to be going through and there would probably be more cause for concern if, after a 4 year relationship, no matter how bad it was, I didn't go through any discomfort at the end. It is strange, though. There's really no difference in my day to day life. This last weekend was very hard - I was very down. And it certainly wasn't because I usually spend my weekends with him. As I said, I have been avoiding or dreading time with him for months now. I definitely think you're right - it's my brain just fidgeting. And this, too, shall pass. And I will feel better than I have felt for a long time. One more interesting thing is that I feel so much more *alive* without him. And, sadly, I moved to this area to move in with him and I haven't found good places or friends to adventure out with here. So I have all of this rejuvenated energy. I used to go out and play pool when I felt this way, but now I have to drive an hour for a good pool game. haha Anyway, thanks again. Grounding insight you all gave.
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