Jimmm Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 First I'd like to say thanks to all of the compassionate people here. This place has been my support for the past 3 days (I wish I had found it a day sooner at least!) and I think I would be doing so much worse if I hadn't. I'm also convinced the advice given here is the best to be found. I've spent about 15 hours reading stuff here and will continue reading. Thanks, thanks, thanks. I will try and keep this as short as possible. My ex and I were on 5 1/2 years. She is 24 and I am 28. We met as I was ending another long term relationship, but one that I was checked out of for a long time. For the first 3 years we were the best couple, we didn't argue, we didn't fight. It was perfect, I couldn't have asked for more and I proposed to her one night during that time, without a ring, making a promise to do it again later the right way. We called each other "fiance" after that. We lived together too. During the first year we partied a ton, she was a partier and a wilder teen and so was I, but we both calmed down together. It was great. Well as time goes on, we finally start arguing about stuff. There were some trust issues on my part over a lie I caught her a long long time ago. My own insecurities combined with her lie made me come off as jealous sometimes, so we go through some really tough times, it last a few months. She had a new job and while we had been fighting a lot and it turns out she was getting attention from a guy she met on the bus. He rode the same bus with her home from work. One night after a big fight, she leaves and stays at her moms. Out roommate inadvertently tells me about the other guy, saying "oh you know about the guy, she said was going to break up with you for" I didn't, I only suspected and my gf wouldn't admit it. So I was crushed. 2 days go by at her moms and we finally meet to talk and work things out. She was talking to the other guy, but she said it was a mistake and she had time to think at her moms. She was sorry, and so was I. We get past it. Over the next 2 we have many more rough patches but nothing that separates us, we have a strong love and we both enjoy our sexlife together very much. But I feel now that these were also the 2 years that I made so many mistakes. She would cry often and I would fail to console her, I often told her that her emotions always got the better of her, and approached them with logic instead of connecting with her like a boyfriend should.She called me on this all the time but I just didn't know how to be on her emotional level like that because of my own faults. I also became lazy, I let her brunt most of the house work and I did not persue my career as aggressively as I did when I met her which led to less $$ and I completely stopped working out. When we met, I was ripped, I looked massive and went to the gym every day. Now I am skinny and definitely not appealing to myself. I think if she was still attracted to me physically it was because our love making was intense and I was giving and knew how to please her. She is a gorgeous girl with the most upbeat, sweet and caring personality, she gets a ton of attention. I used to be ok with this, when I was ok with myself. But as time went on and I let myself go, grew complacent, and started to lose myself and did nothing about it, I became less and less the man she fell in love with. I think I knew I needed to do something, but I didn't. I always figured our love would keep us together and as long as I was "trying" to fix myself I'd be good enough for her. After doing my reading here, I think this break up had to happen. This is maybe part GIGS and part losing the spark, but hopefully it's not the end. So let me get into the actual break up. We have been fighting the most recently. We've almost broke up twice in 4 months that we've been living in our new place. She hates our new place btw, it is old and needs a lot of remodeling and we wanted to have done before we moved in but it didn't happen. We somehow manage to stick it out through these, our last fight was a big one for me. I agreed to make a ton of changes to my lifestyle to try and keep her happy and to start trusting her to go out alone more, because she still felt like it bothered me. I tried and tried to not let it show, but maybe I failed. I was only scared but I didn't want to make her resent me. So one of my concessions was to really really work on that, so she could feel like she had some freedom. She was much more social than I was. It's not that I have trouble, I go out, talk to people easily, have a great time. But I never pursue any relationships beyond that. If I meet someone a few times out, they're an acquaintance but not really a friend. She on the other hand chatted and txted non stop. I spent my time with her, or myself. So 2 weeks ago she gets a new job at a giant bar/hotel/restaurant/movie theater/winery/brewery. It's huge and shes very excited to work there. Unfortunately I know someone that works there and its like a frat house environment, they all party and get drunk together after they close down and theirs lots of sleeping around and crabs (fun). I'm working on a project to make money that has me in front of the computer 12 hours a day. She works only on the weekends. Well her first 2 days at work are normal, - sort of - she comes home at a normal hour after the restaurant closes. Next weekend is stpattys. She said she might have to work late. Well late ended up being 3:30 am, 3 nights in a row. 1st night she is brought home by her drunk ass co-worker who also comes in the house to use the restroom. It's 3am, I'm awake waiting for her and it was a little akward but I wasn't going to say anything to sound jealous in the least. I want to trust her so badly because she needs me to! So the next 2 nights same deal and she gets picked up by her normal ride and gets home at 3. Well she says that after work she stays and has a beer or two every night while she waits for her ride (it was more like 4 but I don't care) She is telling me all about her work, and the people there etc etc and slips up and kind of tells a lie that eludes that she bought beer at work and somewhere else.... I ignore it, I pretend I didn't hear it. 2 days later I'm on a walk somewhere and have the phone, we use the same cell phone. I'm popping through some texts and I see texts from her to other people inviting them to the bar. I also see her talking to people she never talks to and 1 girl even saying she wants to introduce her to someone. So I felt immediately betrayed, she has constantly tried to tell me she regrets the other lies shes told me and she's changed, she not like that, and now I find this. I felt sad and angry and it made me stupid. I went home and confronted her. She barely cared it seemed, like she knew I was going to find them. She was more worried about having to go through with this fight than trying to explain anything and make me feel better. She was just tired, and didn't care. I felt like her new party job, only 2 weeks in, is now more important to her than I am. I was so angry that she could throw away everything we had for something so shallow. Strong emotions that no one should have to feel. Well she also did something at her job on the second day that could have got her fired. It was something I told her not to, but she did anyways So I tell her that if thats how she feels maybe I'll just call and get her fired. She starts balling, and finally shows me some emotion, pleading me not to, begging me to stay. I felt even worse now! She showed so much emotion over her job but none for me. Anyways, we go back and forth for 5 hours and it escalates and escalates. At points early in the fight she was ready to quit her job to make me happy, but I knew I couldn't let her, I couldn't be that guy. As the day goes on she really grows to dislike me, until 4pm when she has to leave for work. I try 2 times to approach her before then and I am calm and sincere but shes not hearing any of it. She leaves super mad. She comes home that night and we talk, I apologize for my reaction earlier. But I've had all day to think about it, shes been working. Shes still mad. I don't know why I try and talk to her, but I did anyways. Well she finally, for the first time, tells me it's over. I told her to say it if she feels it, and finally she did. So I accept it, I do a little crying, shes cold. But whatever, I cant really help it, I don't ball, I just let some out. So she's getting the last of what she needed about out the door when she asks me something about the phone. I must have gave the worse answer because she got so pissed. She said "nvm **** it, i don't care" I said "whats wrong, what did I do" she says "I didn't wanna talk" - "I wasn't trying to pressure you only to apoligize" - "well you shouldn't have" and gets in the car and leaves. All kinds of negative emotions at this point of course, and the worse thing I had no one at all to talk to. So the first night and day of my breakup were horrible. And day 2 was ugly. Day 2 I called her sister early in the morning to talk about something, and asked if she talked to Jazmin. She said she had and I asked if there was any hope or if she hated me. She said "she pretty much hates you" Ok, I thought. So I didn't do anything wrong, I get lied to, she walks out when I'm willing to forgive and she hates me? I get angry again. I text the number shes my ex is at and say "I want 5 minutes, please listen to what I have to say" 2 hours, nothing. I text again and ask "Is so n so there, I need to talk to her so shes not blind sided by what 'm about to do, she needs to know there are consequences for her actions" - I felt that she was doing this all TO ME and I didn't understand she wasn't trying to hurt me she was just confused and angry herself and I was ready to get her fired. So She calls my roommate and tells him to "keep her stuff safe" and then turns off the phone that I'm using that's in her name, that I payed for, it's still payed till this month she didn't need to do turn it off. So I did something stupid, I called her work and ratted on her. It turns out she didn't get fired, she talked her way out of it, thank god. But I let myself go there anyways. So then I msg her a nasty msg on facebook saying if she cant man up and give me reasons or even talk to me one bit, 'm going expose any lies shes told to any other people if they'll listen, i say she owes me 5 years, blah blah. It was horrible and I was in a bad place. I didn't find LS until the next day. So even though that phone call to her boss made me feel good for a an hour or so after, it was fleeting, as soon as my emotions took the next roller coaster dip, I regretted it. So a little later I start reading about ways to cope with my grief and not do this any more, because I felt disgusted for my actions earlier. So that next morning I wrote her another letter, apologizing again, being very sincere. Asking for her not to hate me,for a little forgiveness for what I did, explaining where I was at and the rationale of my actions and owning up to how wrong it was. I ask her to keep our good memories close to her heart, as I will. I tell her I will not contact her again and respect her right to ignore me. I know this is the best for both of us, even if we still love each other. I was ready for NC after this too, without even having read here yet. Day 3. I did find LS, and I spent all day bouncing from here to my home gym. I read 200 different threads at least. I knew we were going to have to see each other soon, we have **** to untangle in our lives and she needed more stuff from here at least. So day 3 I did NC and tried to stay positive. I also could eat, had less of a headache and slept the best . I've lost 6 lbs since this all started. Day 4. I'm talking to her sisters boyfriend on fb and he says she wants to come get some stuff. I say ok. She comes over and we're pleasant I said "we're cool?" she said "yeh were fine" so we got to work a bi packing. Well I ask her if she minds if I say some stuff, she doesn't. I had 6 pages of stuff written down and I kind of went over it all a few times before this so I would be ready. I did good. I said all the right things, I let her know that I didn't blame her for anything, that I need to find myself and so does she, that maybe down the line after I work on myself we'd have a chance. If we both find what we didn't have here together who knows. If our love was ever anything special, it could happen, but if not, it's for the best and this was meant to happen. She almost tears at one point and we hug and she holds my hand a bit and then we break. Then I ****ed up. I kept fishing. I wasn't trying to get her back right there, but I was still looking for her to have some things to say, but she doesn't. She just doesn't know what to think right now but she knows we need to break up. I kept talking, trying not to be pushy, basically the same tempo as when she just hugged me but she starts to get mad, really quick, and I ask whats wrong (bad move never do that) and she gets more mad. So in the end, she didn't leave raging mad. But she left feeling like I was making her confront feelings that wasn't sure of without a last hug or anything, just a "bye" I need to fix this morning! - I want to right one more letter that is much better than the last. One that is influenced by the things I've learned from you guys since I've been reading, and then start NC. What do you guys think? I know that NC is what I need. I'm ready to kick ass and start doing all the things I've read on LS to get over this relationship coming out 10x more prepared for whats next. I know that if I am supposed to be with her, it's only after I deserve her and only after we've taken time to be happy on our own. I know that I won't even talk to her until I feel like I don't need her at all. I want to want her, and take her when I'm ready. If that's not meant to be, I'll be ok too since at that point I'm fine living without her!
Author Jimmm Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 If I'm going to send another letter, should I wait at least a day or two? It will be my absolute last contact involving emotions. I will have to see in person to move stuff, but I will NOT HUG, KISS OR BE AFFECTIONATE AT ALL. I will show no desire for her. Just sincerity to help her. I'm going to give her all of her space, but I feel like it would help to try fix the **** up this morning if I still want a chance at being with her in the future. I know it's not 100% that her gigs/whatever will pass, but I do know that she is still amazing to me and when I'm able to live without her, I don't want anything I did wrong in the past from letting her see who I am now. If I end up with someone else, so be it. I'm not pursuing anyone, but nor will I deny myself a chance to be happy. I want to leave her with the best memory of me that I can before going NC.
geegirl Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I won't send another letter. Leave it alone. She was already getting irritated by the last encounter after you pushed. Let your last communication be the end of it. Nothing more to say. Just get to NC. No need to tell her what you've learned from this site. The advice and lessons are just for you and for your journey through NC. She will learn her own lessons through her own journey. There is no perfect closure if that is what you are looking for. Everytime you seek it and try to do it, you'll go back and say there's one last thing you forgot to say or there was something you shouldn't have said and then you say, let me perfect it again and then you send that one more thing or let her know what it is you really wanted to say, and the cycle will go on. The sooner you start NC, the faster you get to where you want to be. Leave well enough alone.
geegirl Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 If I'm going to send another letter, should I wait at least a day or two? It will be my absolute last contact involving emotions. I will have to see in person to move stuff, but I will NOT HUG, KISS OR BE AFFECTIONATE AT ALL. I will show no desire for her. Just sincerity to help her. I'm going to give her all of her space, but I feel like it would help to try fix the **** up this morning if I still want a chance at being with her in the future. I know it's not 100% that her gigs/whatever will pass, but I do know that she is still amazing to me and when I'm able to live without her, I don't want anything I did wrong in the past from letting her see who I am now. If I end up with someone else, so be it. I'm not pursuing anyone, but nor will I deny myself a chance to be happy. I want to leave her with the best memory of me that I can before going NC. Leaving her with a best memory would be interacting with her in a cordial and civil manner when you get your stuff. Give her a hug and say goodbye and leave on good terms. I was in a similar situation when I was breaking up with a guy, and the more he talked about his emotions after the break, the more turned off I got. She was already irritated about you pushing her the last time, sending her an emotional letter, will be no different. It will mean you are harping on the same thing again.
Author Jimmm Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 I see what your saying, but I feel like my words initially had the desired affect and that I only ****ed up because I said some of the wrong things after. I needed to not make her feel like she needed to say anything to me, but I didn't do that. I had it, and botched it. I had the last contact that I wanted to leave her with. I feel like another letter, that asks nothing of her, but one that explains my hopes for both of us in this, expressed my lack of regret and happiness that our relationship brought - could actually do some good. Maybe she'll keep it around and read it when she misses me, maybe it will help her through the lonely nights or through the ****ty rebound bfs. Am I 100% wrong to think that?
Author Jimmm Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Leaving her with a best memory would be interacting with her in a cordial and civil manner when you get your stuff. Give her a hug and say goodbye and leave on good terms. I was in a similar situation when I was breaking up with a guy, and the more he talked about his emotions after the break, the more turned off I got. She was already irritated about you pushing her the last time, sending her an emotional letter, will be no different. It will mean you are harping on the same thing again. Thanks Geegirl, no letter it is for now. I will at the very least wait until I see her one more time to get stuff. I was doing so much better today too, at least compared to day 1 and 2. Seeing her again did not help one bit, god I wish I had just shut up when I had it right!
geegirl Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I was doing so much better today too, at least compared to day 1 and 2. Seeing her again did not help one bit, god I wish I had just shut up when I had it right! Yes, seeing them in the flesh is very hard. You look at every detail of their face and it hurts. I've gone through the smack on the head when I knew I should have shut up and went back to rectify it only to make things worse and to turn off/push the other person a little bit further. Then want to rectify it again and all I kept doing was digging a hole. Don't do it. Part gracefully when you see her and let that be her last sweet memory of you.
geegirl Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I see what your saying, but I feel like my words initially had the desired affect and that I only ****ed up because I said some of the wrong things after. I needed to not make her feel like she needed to say anything to me, but I didn't do that. I had it, and botched it. I had the last contact that I wanted to leave her with. I feel like another letter, that asks nothing of her, but one that explains my hopes for both of us in this, expressed my lack of regret and happiness that our relationship brought - could actually do some good. Maybe she'll keep it around and read it when she misses me, maybe it will help her through the lonely nights or through the ****ty rebound bfs. Am I 100% wrong to think that? You can never get the perfect ending. It's riddled with emotions that it's hard to stay calm and collected and make that perfect speech. Don't push your wants and needs on her and your dreams and schemes. She already knows you hope for it. Keep them within yourself if you want that with her and in time, if it's supposed to be it will be. She will come back because she wants to and not because of a letter.
Author Jimmm Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 XXXX, I know I ****ed up the last time we talked. I only meant to say a little and didn't mean to push you into giving me answers you didn't have but I ended up doing it anyways. I'm disappointed in myself, I know you didn't need to talk, but you let me talk and then I took advantage. I'm sorry and I can't wait to put that kind of **** behind me. I cant believe I made you leave here on the verge of tears again. I'd say I regret it but my goal is to learn from my mistakes, not dwell on them. I'd like you to know that I'm not giving up on you, but rather I'm giving you up. I'm giving you back to yourself. So you can find what you need to find, and be who you want to be. I think the world of you and I always will. You're the best. The absolute best ****ing girl I've ever known, just in every sense. I regret nothing as far as the 2 of us are concerned. I will always remember how awesome you were and how awesome our good times were, and when I talk about my ex it will be "yah, she was the best" and if they ask what happened I'll say "we needed to live our own lifes but she'll always be special to me." because that's the truth. I am grateful that my last 5 years was spent with you. I am grateful that becasue of you I will be a much better person in the future. I know what so many of my faults are because of you, no one else could ever call me on my **** like you. I'm not perfect, never was, and I'm glad to have had you to help me realize it. You're part of the reason I want to be a better person, becasue I know that you were right about me, if I can be the man you deserve then I'll be good enough for anyone. I wish that I was able to fix those faults while I was with you, but that never would have happened. I need to do it on my own, I need to find myself again. I made all of my goals "our goals" and it robbed us both of our independence. I'm excited to get back my sense of adventure and to open myself up to people again. I know you can do the same. I hope a year from now you feel better about you than you've ever felt. I won't be pining for you, talking to you, or seeing you, but I will never stop loving our memories and your character. I will always hold you in the highest regard. I told you this before and it makes a lot of sense to me. If our love was real, and I honestly think it was and I think you do to then maybe we'll talk again someday and maybe we'll be past our issues and ready to try again. If that day never comes, if we both move on for the better, then it's obviously meant to be that way. But no matter how it goes, there is nothing to be sad about, we're both getting what we need and deserve with this breakup. Have fun, live life, and find some happiness.
Author Jimmm Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 That's the draft of what I want to send. I'm not sending it. Writing it here is much safer!
kingofhearts Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I don't know, man. I'm going through some stuff right now. From what I learned so far. It's true that you'll never feel like you ended things the right way. Ever. As far as the letter goes, all that sappy relationship stuff reminds her of the stress and burden of what you guys had. I kept doing the same thing and each time, I was being a killjoy and we weren't even being ourselves. Better yet, she wasn't happy to talk about it. I had to stop that. I've been told to just do what I have to do and don't worry about the "tittle" of our relationship, cuz it doesn't necessarily need one. My ex would make things sooooo much easier if she just told me to forget her and move on, but she is holding on as well. A small piece of me thinks in my case, my ex wants us to both be with other ppl and to reconcile later. In so many nice words, she has hinted this. Obviously this isn't what I want, but I'm getting to the point where I'm like Fu[k it! Whatever. lol.
geegirl Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 That's the draft of what I want to send. I'm not sending it. Writing it here is much safer! Keep writing here. Write in your journal. Do what you need to do but don't send it. When you see her (which I hope you didn't have to), you can re-write what you need to re-write by parting with nice words and saying goodbye. That is all you need to do. Let go of the heavy emotional stuff and keep it light.
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