Els Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) I think some of you guys missed the part where she didn't tell him to not take them. It was never a choice between family or her. She merely suggested wishing he had spoken to her earlier, and looking for other options. If he had looked and there were no other and she adamantly refuses, then he would have a case. In this case, he's just jumping a few miles ahead of the gun. Edited March 28, 2011 by Elswyth
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 You're definitely dealing with cultural differences, like it or not, it' there. What would concern me, if I were him, would be the comment about you needing to know where things stand, so you can move on and start dating. Quite honestly, if someone said that to me I would allow them to move on, because if they are ready to get out there and start dating so soon, they probably weren't all that serious about me to begin with. He made a comment suggesting "moving on", he ended it with me. So I'm supposed to sit around and hope he will change his mind? Or I'm going to get back out in the world and have fun and meet people? I love him and I wish he would come back, but soon I'm going to start over. I wanted to make one last reach to make sure he was sure he didn't want me in his life anymore. I haven't heard anything so silence speaks volumes.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Err, his problem with her was that she wanted his brothers to look for other 'options' first. Her upset that he didn't consult with her first is valid. But that's not why he broke it off with her. Yeah according to him I don't have values. Even though he had spent many occasions, including all the holidays with my family
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 He was willing to kick you out way too quickly if his behavior changed like that. I agree that he has been contemplating breaking it off with you for a long time, and this just gave him a reason. If he could just cut you off like that, I suspect that he was never completely into you (regardless what his words were). No one who is attached to you could just cut you off like that with no contact if they didnt want to. I dont think there was anything you could have done to prevent this, this is his essence. You dodge a bullet there sweetie, you might have been in for a world of hurt with a man that didnt care about your opinion of his brothers staying with him. That would have bit you in the ass later on anyway. I don't feel like a dodged a bullet. I feel like I was shot right in my heart. I don't understand how he can turn off his feelings for me so rapidly. Its like we never had anything at all.
JohnnyCage Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I called him today and left a voice mail asking him if he was sure this is what he wants, cause I need to move on and start dating again, and staying busy. So he just dumped out and you say you love him and then all you need is some confirmation from him that it is truly over so that you can start dating again???
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 So he just dumped out and you say you love him and then all you need is some confirmation from him that it is truly over so that you can start dating again??? I don't want to date anyone else. I know I'm contradicting myself. I'm an emotional wreck. I couldn't get serious with another guy right now..he is the only one on my mind. But I do need to stay busy and be social. I shouldn't have said anything about dating. I was hoping he wouldn't want me to do that and call and say ..."wait or I'm having doubts". I wrote him an email saying that I couldn't move on to others because he is on my mind. I told him I hoped he would miss me at some point and reach out. And I told him I'm letting him go and do what he needs to do unless I hear otherwise.
JohnnyCage Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I don't want to date anyone else. I know I'm contradicting myself. I'm an emotional wreck. I couldn't get serious with another guy right now..he is the only one on my mind. But I do need to stay busy and be social. I shouldn't have said anything about dating. I was hoping he wouldn't want me to do that and call and say ..."wait or I'm having doubts". I wrote him an email saying that I couldn't move on to others because he is on my mind. I told him I hoped he would miss me at some point and reach out. And I told him I'm letting him go and do what he needs to do unless I hear otherwise. From your posts it appears that you don't want this to end. So I would suggest you work on that instead of bringing up your "other" options like moving on or dating others. See where its headed. If you can fix what's wrong well and good. If nothing comes out of your efforts you will eventually move on. So don't talk about dating or moving on next time if you really don't want this to end.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 From your posts it appears that you don't want this to end. So I would suggest you work on that instead of bringing up your "other" options like moving on or dating others. See where its headed. If you can fix what's wrong well and good. If nothing comes out of your efforts you will eventually move on. So don't talk about dating or moving on next time if you really don't want this to end. It doesn't matter what I want if he doesn't want the same. He is a very private person when it comes to emotions..he lets things fester and stew. He has to think everything through forever. He thinks too much sometimes. I really hope he misses hearing my voice or seeing me enough to call.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 I called the leasing office of the place we are supposed to move into. He hasn't canceled the lease or told them he/we weren't going to be living there yet. I know this doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Dlyrica Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I thought he was still planning on living there with his brothers?
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 I thought he was still planning on living there with his brothers? He told me no. And its not definate they are coming to stay, He said. He would just stay in his current apartment because he didn't want to pay that much to live alone.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 I think some of you guys missed the part where she didn't tell him to not take them. It was never a choice between family or her. She merely suggested wishing he had spoken to her earlier, and looking for other options. If he had looked and there were no other and she adamantly refuses, then he would have a case. In this case, he's just jumping a few miles ahead of the gun. This is on point.
elaina Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 He told me no. And its not definate they are coming to stay, He said. He would just stay in his current apartment because he didn't want to pay that much to live alone. I really think you're StillSarcasticBlonde, but whatever. Regardless if you're her or not, let me give it to you straight, k? 1. HE'S NOT FOR YOU. LET HIM GO. 2. The reason he's not for you is because ya'll have different priorities in life. It's best that ya'll found out before moving in together... consider it a good thing for the both of you. 3. About leaving you "homeless"... come on now. You're a big girl... and he's given you $700 for rent, which is not homeless! Stop complaining and whining and go make a future for yourself!
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 I really think you're StillSarcasticBlonde, but whatever. Regardless if you're her or not, let me give it to you straight, k? 1. HE'S NOT FOR YOU. LET HIM GO. 2. The reason he's not for you is because ya'll have different priorities in life. It's best that ya'll found out before moving in together... consider it a good thing for the both of you. 3. About leaving you "homeless"... come on now. You're a big girl... and he's given you $700 for rent, which is not homeless! Stop complaining and whining and go make a future for yourself! I didn't even know about this site until I did a search for dating advice yesterday.. And I'm not walking away yet. You may be right, maybe not.
DollyGirl12 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Well, from reading everything I can't really give advice on why he ended things. It's possible that it was all an excuse, or maybe it wasn't. It's something you may not know. And I am glad you have rethought your comment to him about getting out there and dating others. If he's a very private person and doesn't show his feelings than you may not know how that comment affected him. I can only tell you how a comment like that would affect me. Many times we make comments to people, even if we don't mean them, to try to get a reaction out of them. He will most likely take that comment in one of a few ways, and most of them won't be positive. Most likely, in his eyes, even if it's not what you intended, he will see it as game playing or he will see it as "wow, I was pretty easy to move on from if she's ready to get out there already". He's going to feel like he definitely made the right decision. I think the best thing you can do at this point is to let him be. If he contacts you and reaches out then it will be your choice to respond or not respond. If he does bring up the comment about dating others I would simply say something like "yes, I need to move on if we do not have a future, but I am not ready to get out and date again as it's to soon. I need to spend time working on my life and making my life full and happy, and that is what I will do". I do agree with elaina,,he's probably not for you and it's much better than finding out before you had moved in together.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Well, from reading everything I can't really give advice on why he ended things. It's possible that it was all an excuse, or maybe it wasn't. It's something you may not know. And I am glad you have rethought your comment to him about getting out there and dating others. If he's a very private person and doesn't show his feelings than you may not know how that comment affected him. I can only tell you how a comment like that would affect me. Many times we make comments to people, even if we don't mean them, to try to get a reaction out of them. He will most likely take that comment in one of a few ways, and most of them won't be positive. Most likely, in his eyes, even if it's not what you intended, he will see it as game playing or he will see it as "wow, I was pretty easy to move on from if she's ready to get out there already". He's going to feel like he definitely made the right decision. I think the best thing you can do at this point is to let him be. If he contacts you and reaches out then it will be your choice to respond or not respond. If he does bring up the comment about dating others I would simply say something like "yes, I need to move on if we do not have a future, but I am not ready to get out and date again as it's to soon. I need to spend time working on my life and making my life full and happy, and that is what I will do". I do agree with elaina,,he's probably not for you and it's much better than finding out before you had moved in together. I did email him today and said that I'm not ready to move on to date..that I was upset. I sent it this morning. I will see if I get a response good or bad. I said more than that in it but that's the last I will be contacting him unless he contacts me.
Wolf18 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 This is the second or third thread on this board in about a week about this posted by a woman. If my family or friends had suffered a catastrophe or sudden misfortune that left them homeless, I would expect no complaints with the woman I live with about letting them stay for a little while. That isn't even something up for debate. The same is true for something that happens to their family or friends. Good on him for dumping you in the street. He may just be trying to teach you a lesson or moral , instead of dumping you for good though. Maybe now you know what it feels like to suddenly have no place to go? American women have little to no empathy for other human beings.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 This is the second or third thread on this board in about a week about this posted by a woman. If my family or friends had suffered a catastrophe or sudden misfortune that left them homeless, I would expect no complaints with the woman I live with about letting them stay for a little while. That isn't even something up for debate. The same is true for something that happens to their family or friends. Good on him for dumping you in the street. He may just be trying to teach you a lesson or moral , instead of dumping you for good though. Maybe now you know what it feels like to suddenly have no place to go? American women have little to no empathy for other human beings. That is so off! And couldn't be more untrue. Gonna have to put you on iggy.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 This is the second or third thread on this board in about a week about this posted by a woman. If my family or friends had suffered a catastrophe or sudden misfortune that left them homeless, I would expect no complaints with the woman I live with about letting them stay for a little while. That isn't even something up for debate. The same is true for something that happens to their family or friends. Good on him for dumping you in the street. He may just be trying to teach you a lesson or moral , instead of dumping you for good though. Maybe now you know what it feels like to suddenly have no place to go? American women have little to no empathy for other human beings. Why do two threads by one poster and her friendly sock puppet inform you about "AMERICAN WOMEN"? This is one, particular, individual American woman. There are about 155.6 million females in the United States. I'm sure a good number of us would have handled this situation differently.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Why do two threads by one poster and her friendly sock puppet inform you about "AMERICAN WOMEN"? This is one, particular, individual American woman. There are about 155.6 million females in the United States. I'm sure a good number of us would have handled this situation differently. I know several women that would have had to discuss the topic alittle or would have liked to be included in the decision prior. I would not make a decision like that before speaking to my significant other first. Relationships where people live together and something like that would afftect the other persons life, its important to keep them involved. I never said no..I made that clear.
Nexus One Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 What exactly is european culture? Europe is not a country. No it's not a country, but culture is not necessarily limited to borders. Besides, the EU is what's called the Schengen area. That means people, goods and labor can move freely without obstruction over the borders. So while it's not one country, the people in the EU can move through it as if it were. When you drive through Europe you're not going to find shocking differences in culture other than the language and somewhat the architecture.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 European people are generally a lot more private than Americans. You think you might have known him, but you didn't. I also believe his decision wasn't sudden. Maybe he felt a bit lost in US, and when he met you, he thought, let's go with the flow and see what happens... Maybe he wasn't serious about you from the beginning, and just let things happen. People do crazy things when they are put in a totally different culture and feel lonely. Don't mean to hurt your feeling by saying this. Also, he gave you the money, so you are not exactly homeless. Don't create unnecessary drama in your head. No... I think that her actions showed him two things are just cannot be stood for in a relationship. 1. That she has no respect for his ability to make choices. 2. That she feels more important than his family. Both of those are dealbreakers. I bet it hurt his feelings a lot to have to end the relationship.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I know several women that would have had to discuss the topic alittle or would have liked to be included in the decision prior. I would not make a decision like that before speaking to my significant other first. Relationships where people live together and something like that would afftect the other persons life, its important to keep them involved. I never said no..I made that clear. I don't disagree with you, but since I believe I easily recognize you from (3) other incarnations, and know what the situation is in reality, I will address that: I think that your Japanese boyfriend has been completely blindsided by the disaster in his homeland and the effects it may be having on his family (I can't find the other thread now to be sure of the details). I would think that he'd be reeling. ANYTHING else in his life, in such a situation, would take a step down in priority for the time being. For example, I think that postponing a wedding would be perfectly appropriate. Or, maybe choosing to go back home and help the family, leaving you alone for a while. The role of a person in a serious relationship with another in these circumstances, in my opinion, would be to step back, put her / his needs on the back burner, and try to offer any and every kind of support possible. I am pretty sure that your ex boyfriend saw something in how you reacted that let him know positively that you are not the kind of girlfriend that he needs or wants. And, obviously, he is not the kind of boyfriend that you need, either.
elaina Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I didn't even know about this site until I did a search for dating advice yesterday.. And I'm not walking away yet. You may be right, maybe not. Ok, well I don't like calling people liars and I don't know you, so I am sorry for accusing you if you truly are a different person... it's just that she was banned and you just joined the same month she was banned and your problem is nearly identical to hers, so putting two and two together does really increase the suspicion... I'm also sorry about being heartless in my reply... I bet you are heartbroken and that is really hard and my heart goes out for you for that, but I do truly think it's best for people to have partners who share the same goals/priorities in life. It makes it much easier, and relationships can be tough! If he does take you back, he will have the worry that you are only doing things just to please him, just because you're afraid of not being with him. He will not have the security that you are supporting his decisions because you yourself share his priorities, you know what I mean? So truly it would be hard for both of you if ya'll get back together. I'm really sorry about that.
musemaj11 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 No it's not a country, but culture is not necessarily limited to borders. Besides, the EU is what's called the Schengen area. That means people, goods and labor can move freely without obstruction over the borders. So while it's not one country, the people in the EU can move through it as if it were. When you drive through Europe you're not going to find shocking differences in culture other than the language and somewhat the architecture. if u tell a portuguese, a swede, and a ukrainian that they have similar culture, I don't think they will agree with u. The only european country that resembles north america the most in terms of culture is england.
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