TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 My boyfriend of 7 months dumped me yesterday. He is the most wonderful, giving man I have ever dated. We were due to move in together in May, bought furniture, everything. He made some decisions about having his 2 brothers come live with us for a time period. He was born and raised in Portugal and is very close with his family. Something happened and they needed a place to stay. He didn't even discuss it with me first. I told him that it would affect my life too and that there are a lot of things to consider. I said I want to help but we need to see if there are any other options. Because him and I were just starting out and I was moving to another state to be with him, taking on a new job, etc. It would be a tough time. But he didn't like any of my suggestions. So that turned into an argument on Thursday and than I went to his place Saturday and he told me he doesn't want our relationship anymore. He wants to move on. He said he feels I don't have strong family values and a lack of compassion. I told him I would try to make it work. He was very cold. I cried, begged and pleaded. Looking like a fool. He said my response about them living with us made him realize our backgrounds are very different as far as family and values go. But its not true.. I wanted him to know I cared so much for him and that I do have compassion. But he said his mind was made up. He said he may miss me or regret it but he will get through. he gave me 700 dollars so I could pay my rent for one more month, but I think that was his guilt talking. I now have to be out of my current place at months end with no place to go. He paid everything on the new place so He said he's not going to move now that we are not living together so he will just take a money loss on it. I haven't been able to stop crying and thinking how I could have prevented this. I love him. I called him today and left a voice mail asking him if he was sure this is what he wants, cause I need to move on and start dating again, and staying busy. He hasn't responded. I just don't understand why he would end it so abruptly. Just Thursday he went to put money down for the utilities and everything. So its not like he was planning to break it off for a long time. I'm lost without him and I keep praying he will come back..I don't want to look pathetic but I can't let him go..
Mrlonelyone Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 This sounds really really sudden and shocking and I really feel for your loss. I'll bet that this has been brewing longer than you think. I'll even bet that someone in his family had a hand in this chain of events. It is a stereotype that Americans don't have family values that is pretty wide spread. It may be that he thought you were trying to make him choose you... or his brothers. To most men the choice would always be his bros. They grew up with him and have been together all their lives. Perhaps if you were the mother of his child that would transcend or equal the brotherly bond....but even then. I may be relying on a stereotype here...but it could be your EX was of the opinion that as the man his word was sufficient. That in a family with "family values" you as the woman would fall into line and make his brothers at home. That you as the woman would be practically a domestic for them.... I may very well be wrong about that and If so I offer apologies. Here is what I think you should do... Allow some time to cool off. Let him cool off from the argument for a while and he may change his mind. Just give him space. Since you have to move out at the end of the month (this month? as in the 31st?) start making plans as if he was not going to change his mind. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 This sounds really really sudden and shocking and I really feel for your loss. I'll bet that this has been brewing longer than you think. I'll even bet that someone in his family had a hand in this chain of events. It is a stereotype that Americans don't have family values that is pretty wide spread. It may be that he thought you were trying to make him choose you... or his brothers. To most men the choice would always be his bros. They grew up with him and have been together all their lives. Perhaps if you were the mother of his child that would transcend or equal the brotherly bond....but even then. I may be relying on a stereotype here...but it could be your EX was of the opinion that as the man his word was sufficient. That in a family with "family values" you as the woman would fall into line and make his brothers at home. That you as the woman would be practically a domestic for them.... I may very well be wrong about that and If so I offer apologies. Here is what I think you should do... Allow some time to cool off. Let him cool off from the argument for a while and he may change his mind. Just give him space. Since you have to move out at the end of the month (this month? as in the 31st?) start making plans as if he was not going to change his mind. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Thanks for the empathy. I'm totally shocked, its like he turned into a different man overnight. I can't eat or sleep. I have never felt this badly before over a broken relationship. And this was my shortest one. I just feel like I would never meet someone like him again.
musemaj11 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 This is why I don't think I would ever be able to be with a 'pure american' woman. I was born and raised in asia and like your bf, I believe in strong family values. My family comes first and when I get married, my wife's family will come first also and I will expect her to treat my family in the same way. This is the reason that I feel more comfortable with hispanic/latin women because their culture is very similar. We believe that family is sacred.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 This is why I don't think I would ever be able to be with a 'pure american' woman. I was born and raised in asia and like your bf, I believe in strong family values. My family comes first and when I get married, my wife's family will come first also and I will expect her to treat my family in the same way. This is the reason that I feel more comfortable with hispanic/latin women because their culture is very similar. We believe that family is sacred. Family is sacred. I even offered to still do it. I was more upset he would go and say ok, without talking to me.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 That's a common thing among men from outside the USA. We come from a culture England who's greatest monarchs have been female... plus American Indian culture in which men and women had equal power OR women often had more power...plus African culture in which women often had equal or greater power. He comes from southern Europe. A place where the paterfamilias for all intents and purposes owned everything and everyone in the family. It goes back to the Romans with them. To your BF he was the man of the house... soon to be paterfamilias. He wants a woman who's going to submit to that. You were raised in a culture where the man and woman of the house have equal say...no matter who does the paying. This is an issue that can be worked out...but it's going to take time and patience and he has to be willing. He may not be... or he may give you a call on Monday or Tuesday. You have to give him the time and space to think and make his own decision. You have to break contact completely and let him come back on his own accord. I know how hard that can be trust me.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 He was willing to kick you out way too quickly if his behavior changed like that. I agree that he has been contemplating breaking it off with you for a long time, and this just gave him a reason. If he could just cut you off like that, I suspect that he was never completely into you (regardless what his words were). No one who is attached to you could just cut you off like that with no contact if they didnt want to. I dont think there was anything you could have done to prevent this, this is his essence. You dodge a bullet there sweetie, you might have been in for a world of hurt with a man that didnt care about your opinion of his brothers staying with him. That would have bit you in the ass later on anyway.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 You have to give him the time and space to think and make his own decision. You have to break contact completely and let him come back on his own accord. I know how hard that can be trust me. He said he still wanted to be there for me if I need anything.. I told him I couldn't do that. I told him I didn't want anything to do with him (I was upset) He said he understood.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 He was willing to kick you out way too quickly if his behavior changed like that. I agree that he has been contemplating breaking it off with you for a long time, and this just gave him a reason. If he could just cut you off like that, I suspect that he was never completely into you (regardless what his words were). No one who is attached to you could just cut you off like that with no contact if they didnt want to. I dont think there was anything you could have done to prevent this, this is his essence. You dodge a bullet there sweetie, you might have been in for a world of hurt with a man that didnt care about your opinion of his brothers staying with him. That would have bit you in the ass later on anyway. If he wasn't that into me, why move in together? Why do all the things he did for me? He asked me to attend a wedding with him in July in Spain! I don't get it.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 He said he still wanted to be there for me if I need anything.. I told him I couldn't do that. I told him I didn't want anything to do with him (I was upset) He said he understood. Which is why you both need some time to cool off. Just let the dust settle for a bit ok. If there is going to be a change in your favor things need time to cool off. What's more is there is nothing you can do to change his mind...he has to change it himself. If he wasn't that into me, why move in together? Why do all the things he did for me? He asked me to attend a wedding with him in July in Spain! I don't get it. I know how it feels. The advice I'm giving you is the very thing I have been doing. Let's get through this together. I'll bet your man will call you back and be open to talking things through before the week is over. If not then you will survive and find someone who's a better fit. Just keep faith that you will.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Which is why you both need some time to cool off. Just let the dust settle for a bit ok. If there is going to be a change in your favor things need time to cool off. What's more is there is nothing you can do to change his mind...he has to change it himself. I know how it feels. The advice I'm giving you is the very thing I have been doing. Let's get through this together. I'll bet your man will call you back and be open to talking things through before the week is over. If not then you will survive and find someone who's a better fit. Just keep faith that you will. You have given me some words of encouragement. Thank you. The call I made to him today and the voicemail I left I'm kind of regretting. I told him if I didn't hear from him soon I plan to move on and start dating again. I don't have problems getting asked out so I'm not going to sit around and wait (as much as I want to)
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 That's a common thing among men from outside the USA. We come from a culture England who's greatest monarchs have been female... plus American Indian culture in which men and women had equal power OR women often had more power...plus African culture in which women often had equal or greater power. He comes from southern Europe. A place where the paterfamilias for all intents and purposes owned everything and everyone in the family. It goes back to the Romans with them. To your BF he was the man of the house... soon to be paterfamilias. He wants a woman who's going to submit to that. You were raised in a culture where the man and woman of the house have equal say...no matter who does the paying. This is an issue that can be worked out...but it's going to take time and patience and he has to be willing. He may not be... or he may give you a call on Monday or Tuesday. You have to give him the time and space to think and make his own decision. You have to break contact completely and let him come back on his own accord. I know how hard that can be trust me. I don't plan on contacting him again. But I doubt he will call me to resume our relationship. I'm feeling like maybe I felt much stronger than he did for me.
pineapples Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 European people are generally a lot more private than Americans. You think you might have known him, but you didn't. I also believe his decision wasn't sudden. Maybe he felt a bit lost in US, and when he met you, he thought, let's go with the flow and see what happens... Maybe he wasn't serious about you from the beginning, and just let things happen. People do crazy things when they are put in a totally different culture and feel lonely. Don't mean to hurt your feeling by saying this. Also, he gave you the money, so you are not exactly homeless. Don't create unnecessary drama in your head.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 European people are generally a lot more private than Americans. You think you might have known him, but you didn't. I also believe his decision wasn't sudden. Maybe he felt a bit lost in US, and when he met you, he thought, let's go with the flow and see what happens... Maybe he wasn't serious about you from the beginning, and just let things happen. People do crazy things when they are put in a totally different culture and feel lonely. Don't mean to hurt your feeling by saying this. Also, he gave you the money, so you are not exactly homeless. Don't create unnecessary drama in your head. Pineapple..that money was for april. Not May. He lived with me in my apt for 2 weeks this month because his place was going under repairs. So he was helping me out and also for staying with me during that time. This is not "unnecessary drama" as you put it.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 If he wasn't that into me, why move in together? Why do all the things he did for me? He asked me to attend a wedding with him in July in Spain! I don't get it. Doesnt matter, you would need insight into his home culture to understand that part. He could have been on the rebound trying to forget about someone else and doing all he can to accomplish that. he might have thought that if he didnt ask you to move in now that you would run. Could be a number of different things. You dont have to be that into someone to do things for someone or invite them to a wedding. Bottom line is this, he dumped you in a hurry for his brothers and made no qualms about it. he was prepared for this in his head for some reason. You might never know what that reason is. for now, leave him be, and if he comes looking for you, you can make the decision to make him owe you.
NXS Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Pineapple..that money was for april. Not May. He lived with me in my apt for 2 weeks this month because his place was going under repairs. So he was helping me out and also for staying with me during that time. This is not "unnecessary drama" as you put it. Your title makes it sound like he kicked you out onto the street and made you homeless. Far from it, he gave you rent money for the next month and he also took the hit for the apartment. He's not your parent, you're an adult right? Looks to me like he was the one who dodged the bullet.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Your title makes it sound like he kicked you out onto the street and made you homeless. Far from it, he gave you rent money for the next month and he also took the hit for the apartment. He's not your parent, you're an adult right? Looks to me like he was the one who dodged the bullet. That was his choice to do this, not mine. So I couldn't disagree more.
NXS Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 That was his choice to do this, not mine. So I couldn't disagree more. Regardless of whose choice it was he done it anyway, so I don't know why you're now trying to give the impression he made you homeless. He didn't. In fact he was been amiable about the whole thing.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Regardless of whose choice it was he done it anyway, so I don't know why you're now trying to give the impression he made you homeless. He didn't. In fact he was been amiable about the whole thing. Admirable? Lol. That's funny.
eerie_reverie Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 He's not exactly demonstrating family values by dumping you after you've committed to moving to his town at the first sign of a disagreement, is he? I think you're finally seeing his true colors.
Star Gazer Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Are you StillSarcasticBlonde? Because if you switch out 2 brothers for sister and her children, and Portugal for Japan (especially after something bad happened) this story is pretty much identical. In any event, it sounds like you two have different values, and it's better to find this out now than later.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 He's not exactly demonstrating family values by dumping you after you've committed to moving to his town at the first sign of a disagreement, is he? I think you're finally seeing his true colors. It wasn't our first disagreement but we had a good relationship, or so I thought. I was moving to be where he lived. I had been interviewing for jobs the last 3 weeks. Going back and forth. I really was looking forward to a new start. Gave up my current apartment. I really feel screwed.
Author TryingtoUnderstand32 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Are you StillSarcasticBlonde? Because if you switch out 2 brothers for sister and her children, and Portugal for Japan (especially after something bad happened) this story is pretty much identical. In any event, it sounds like you two have different values, and it's better to find this out now than later. Still who?
Alma Mobley Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Regardless of whose choice it was he done it anyway, so I don't know why you're now trying to give the impression he made you homeless. He didn't. In fact he was been amiable about the whole thing. I was under the impression that she gave notice, so she has 30 days to move and does not have a new place. Everything was paid for at the new place for them. Deposits + first month's rent is expensive, so though she isn't literally homeless, he HAS put her in a tight spot. Anyway, I agree with eerie that he cut and ran at the first sign of trouble.
NXS Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Admirable? Lol. That's funny. I said amiable not admirable. He didn't kick you out in the street, he gave you rent money and offered to help you out if you need it. You're trying to turn this into some kind of drama of being left homeless. He doesn't owe you a home for life. Maybe you need to start taking responsibility for yourself and maybe he realised that he was putting up all the money while you expected an equal say without an equal contribution.
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