Have I ruined my relationship

[Pynchon82]

Hi, This is my first time posting on loveshack as well as being a very new member.

 

I am in quite of a mental quandary with myself and my girlfriend. We have been together for a little over 3 months now. I am 28 and she is 21. She is currently in the middle of her second semester of school about 90 miles from me. So while it technically is long distance, she is only an hour and twenty minutes away, plus she will be back living in my hometown for the summer in the middle of may.

 

Anyway, back to my problem. We started seeing each other literally the last week of her winter vacation. So I was only able to actual see her twice and be intimate with her twice before she left for school. At first this was a good thing because we both desired each other greatly and wasn't able to see each other on a regular basis. When she left for school things really started to heat up. Nightly phone calls nearly everyday, phone sex, romantic dialogue etc etc. About 3 weeks into her 2nd semester I visited her and took her out for the weekend to a concert and then back to my home for the rest of the time. It was amazing. Then about 3 weeks later I saw her again and she stayed with me for about 5 nights before I left her.

 

After I came home from my 2nd visit with her I lost my job the next day. Which caused financial problems galore. I literally felt everything was falling apart around me. The one good thing in my life at the time was her. But at this same time school for her was picking up, so she became extra focused on that and less on us. Phone calls started to become dry, little to no intimacy within language. In all she basically seemed like she no longer desired me. So, like i said this was all happening while my outside life was crumbling and i needed at least a little support. So after a few weeks of this with her I started to bring up things that were bothering me with how she was treating me. Like I said my confidence was slipping because everything else in my life was. She consistently told me it was school and that I should be understanding of that. My concerns became almost an every other day thing with her for the next 3 weeks or so, complaining about her lack of caring, affection, and overall desire for me. I know I sound like I should listen to her, but I did, and every time it would be always about her. I remind you, I was honest that I was depressed and I needed my other half to show a little something. Now, I wasn't expecting her to drop everything but I was expecting a little understanding rather than her selfish look of things regarding school. She continued to tell me that nothing has changed and that when she thinks of us she feels everything is good, so then she just moves on to school thoughts.

 

Long story short, I have just received the best job offer of my life so far and have just started there. Things are turning around for me. But during my month of depression, she has slowly lacked any concern for me and says because I needed her I was making her feel like she had to force desire for me. Now that I am happy I feel as if I have damage something, she still doesn't seem to want me, need me etc etc. And she says she just needs a little distance to focus on school.

 

Basically what I am asking is, have I done irreparable damage to my relationship. I want to give her distance, but I do miss her very much and for me I have never left the "honeymoon" stage. I still desire her very much. I feel as if I may be becoming clingy, but at the same time I feel she is being selfish. I am not asking for much, just some caring and meaningful words. Also I have only been with her for about a total of 10 days out of the 3 months. So I still feel as if everything is really new to me, what has happened to her? She is really an overachiever at school and it is very important. She has even told me in the beginning that she can put blinders on some times. But I thought I was different. I feel as if my confidence level with her is at an all time low which makes me act differently. What is the best approach I should be going for in a situation like this. Remember I am older than her and she has only had one other relationship. I was the first person she had sex with in 3 years. Also this relationship, in the beginning was the best first 2 months I have ever had with someone in my life. So I know there is something great here. I just hope I didn't ruin it for her and I hope I didn't hurt my confidence so much so I can never get it back. A little goes a long way for me. A text from her that says "I can't stop thinking of you" or "I miss you" could probably change my whole perception and my confidence as well. But she has repeatedly told me that this is not her and she doesn't want to lie to me. So if she doesn't feel it she won't say it even if it would make me feel better. What do I do!?

Edited March 27, 2011 by Pynchon82

[folieadeux]

Welcome to the forums.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable...you just wanted a little support during your "down time". The distance you're dealing with isn't all that great either so even if she was busy with school, I think more of an effort could have been made on her part. A visit, an encouraging text or phone call here and there...anything.

 

Congrats on the new job and focus on getting your life back on track...that's more important than someone who doesn't make you a priority.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

A text from her that says "I can't stop thinking of you" or "I miss you" could probably change my whole perception and my confidence as well. But she has repeatedly told me that this is not her and she doesn't want to lie to me. So if she doesn't feel it she won't say it even if it would make me feel better. What do I do!?

 

was she like that in the beginning of your relationship? if it's her nature, then there's nothing you can do to change her. people have different ways of expressing their feelings.

 

from my experience, i have been with guys who are not showy and i tend to expect that they should somehow show their appreciation and love for me in words. but since i was forcing them to act like the ideal guy in my head, i set up the relationship for failure. i only ended up getting hurt and frustrated. from that experience, i have learned that it's better if you pursue a person that fits your definition of an ideal partner. zero expectations = less pain and frustration.

 

won't it be so wonderful to have your feelings reciprocated without forcing/nudging them to do so?