Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 (edited) This is not about myself... I am posting this about my work friend. She was seeing this guy for a few months and things didn't work out (he dumped her). She was initially devastated but got over it pretty quickly and started crushing on someone else. She claims to be 100% over the ex and she never talks about him so I am pretty sure she is telling the truth. She loved sex with him and he recently got back in touch and asked her if they can meet for sex once every couple of weeks or so until either of them finds someone else. She is considering this as she misses the sex.. Bad idea? Edited March 27, 2011 by Eternal Sunshine
Lilmisus Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I think it may be a bad idea if she still has any lingering feelings for him at all, even if she says she doesn't. When they end the sex, it could possibly make it feel like they're breaking up again and reopen that wound for her. It could also mean that it'd be harder for her to really move on from him, and find someone who actually cares and has feelings for her and is interested in a serious relationship. I think that if they wanted to do this, then they'd have to both make sure that it's absolutely clear that the sex is the only thing that they'd have between them, and that they're relationship wont come back because of this.
Kamille Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 If she was devastated when they broke up, I would say she's better off abstaining from sex with the ex. This advice is quintupled if by any chance your work is someone who gets easily emotionally invested. Would she really be having sex to get her kicks or because she misses the feeling of intimacy?
Feelin Frisky Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Good idea if everyone keeps to their script. I had this. I'm sorry to have dumped the girl. But she came back to me when it was over with me and someone else. So she had her new number one who wasn't me but she would sneak out on him with me once or twice a month. It was good for me but she was the one doing all the feeling so I can't say how it was for her. But she kept initiating. So there must have been something there for her. I didn't ask anything about her other life. She would call me up and stop by my place in NYC after work for a few hours of raw sex. Nice. *saliva drips from fangs*
zengirl Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Terrible idea. She won't be over him for long if she starts having sex with him. Chemically speaking, having sex with him encouraged her to fall in love with him before, and odds are the same thing will happen again and much faster too. There's a reason she loved the sex. I think it's different if you're (a) male or (b) the dumper, and certainly both. Male bio-chemistry just works differently for one. And obviously the dumper has less reason to get reattached than the dumpee.
fishtaco Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Good idea if she's honest with herself. If she's really over him, I don't see why not. As far as I know, women enjoy sex too, and not all women are fragile little flowers. But if she's just pretending to be over him, well, then she could go through another bout of unpleasantness when things end. But if she's crushing and dating other guys, then I tend to believe that it's probably not a big deal to her. Then I don't see why not. Single people doing single consensual things. Nothing wrong with that. Although the key here is she has to be honest with herself, of why she's doing these things. That sometimes, is actually the most difficult part.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 The thing that concerns her the most is what kind of rules there should be (she has never done it before). Do they cuddle? Do they kiss? Do they sleep over? Do they eat together? Do they communicate in between?
Alma Mobley Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I did this many years ago, but the break-up was mutual and there were absolutely no lingering feelings there. We didn't even have to make up rules. Every few weeks we'd hang out, sometimes we'd have sex, sometimes we wouldn't. I'm getting the feeling, however, that your friend may not be prepared to do this.
Kamille Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I have a sneaking suspicion that your work friend is Shadowplay, I which case, my answer would be an even more emphatic and categorical: NO! Shadowplay invests emotionally in everything that she does. And not matter if it is Shadowplay, if your friend really didn't have any left over emotional investment in this guy, she could probably figure out the questions of rules, how and when on her own. I've had a sex-buddy in the past, and we didn't really need hours of planning. Like AM, it would just kind of happen.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Wasn't there an episode of Seinfeld that dealt with this. LOL If you have a Jerry and Elaine kind of relationship you can do this.
Lilmisus Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 The thing that concerns her the most is what kind of rules there should be (she has never done it before). Do they cuddle? Do they kiss? Do they sleep over? Do they eat together? Do they communicate in between? If she is set on doing this and is sure that she and he could do it without getting emotionally invested again, then they'd have to make sure that they kept it from seeming just the way they did when they were in a relationship, especially if this is now just going to be a NSA relationship between them. I'd say, yes to kissing if it's during the sex and foreplay, but only then. No to cuddling - to personal. Sleep over only if it's convenient, not just to spend more time with one another. Keep talking to a minimum. No talking about each others day or what they hope to happen between them in the future. No eating together, only if it's convenient. No expecting one another to drop plans just to have sex or to pick them over someone else. If someone comes into her life or his they have to make it clear that it's over, no more. But she needs to know that this will be hard to do. It's hard enough to be involved in a NSA relationship or a friends with benefits agreement, but to do it with an ex, it will be much, much harder. Especially since he dumped her and she's trying to move on.
Stung Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 I have done it twice. Both times the man in question had broken up with me and hurt me, and I wasn't as over him as I wanted to believe I was, so we went into this quasi-'back together but not really together' territory where we dated and had sex but weren't really boyfriend and girlfriend. Both times I realized that I was no longer able to really let go and be vulnerable and open with them in bed anymore, and so I could no longer achieve orgasm with them. I'm a pretty sex-oriented person so that helped dry up my leftover mopey feelings and put things in perspective quickly. Both times I called off the arrangement and ended things for good because I was unsatisfied and had met somebody else I had my eye on, when I had not been seriously considering other men before because I was still tangled up in unrealistic 'could-have-beens.' One of those exes is still a good friend of mine, several years later. I know my response is not typical, however.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 How did it end? I moved away and went into school to make a career change.
daphne Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 As far as I know, women enjoy sex too, and not all women are fragile little flowers. Don't kid yourself. We are fragile little flowers when it comes to sex. Most women cannot really handle a nsa relationship. 20 somethings keep trying it but they cry to their friends later when they realize that they can't handle it. Oxytocin is a powerful and annoying hormone.
allina Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Personally I don't think it's a huge deal. Even if it bites her in the butt I don't think it will cause her major devastation or long term damage.
Kamille Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Personally I don't think it's a huge deal. Even if it bites her in the butt I don't think it will cause her major devastation or long term damage. Ah. That's actually a good point. I take back my opinion. If the friend at work isn't afraid of a little bruising, then she should definitely have her fun.
Stung Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I have a sneaking suspicion that your work friend is Shadowplay, I which case, my answer would be an even more emphatic and categorical: NO! Shadowplay invests emotionally in everything that she does. Ohhhhhhh, good point. If you're talking about Shadowplay, she should definitely NOT try this. This plan is not for her.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Nope, not talking about shadowplay
Darren Taylor Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Generally OP, when one starts a topic with the words "This is not about myself", it is.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 Generally OP, when one starts a topic with the words "This is not about myself", it is. Sometimes it isn't. This is one of those times.
Intricategirl Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 This is one of those things where I'm not giving advice, but stating my own personal stance... I've done it one time, and I will never do it again. When I'm done with a relationship, I'm done. And because I'm looking for a relationship, why sleep with an ex? It just takes energy away from looking for the person I should be in a relationship with. That being said, what Allina said sounds reasonable. Not for me, but why not?
Recommended Posts