NOW she wants to change her maiden name to mine! 2 weeks before divorce!!!

March 27, 2011

Hello All!

I filed for divorce back in November. My lawyer advises me that the divorce should be finalized by mid-April. My STBX wife will not accept that we are going to be divorced and is in such a state of delusion I am quite concerned for her mental health!

Anyway, my question: She never took my last name, never changed it legally or otherwise. A few days ago she changed her maiden name on a social networking site to my name! When I questioned her about this, she said she has been wanting to change it to my name for a long time and is just getting round to it now and is 'in the process' of it. When I said whats the point, we will be divorced in 2-3 weeks, she said 'technically and legally we are still married and I am still your wife'.

I am furious. She has no right to my name now. It wasnt good enough for her before, and now we are getting divorced its some sort of pathetic desperate attempt to stay connected to me! Can she do this? How can I stop this?

Has anyone heard anything like this before? Shes going to all new levels of craziness now. I wish she would just accept it was over and move on

March 27, 2011

She is just messing with your head..

March 27, 2011

Hello All!
I filed for divorce back in November. My lawyer advises me that the divorce should be finalized by mid-April. My STBX wife will not accept that we are going to be divorced and is in such a state of delusion I am quite concerned for her mental health!
Anyway, my question: She never took my last name, never changed it legally or otherwise. A few days ago she changed her maiden name on a social networking site to my name! When I questioned her about this, she said she has been wanting to change it to my name for a long time and is just getting round to it now and is 'in the process' of it. When I said whats the point, we will be divorced in 2-3 weeks, she said 'technically and legally we are still married and I am still your wife'.
I am furious. She has no right to my name now. It wasnt good enough for her before, and now we are getting divorced its some sort of pathetic desperate attempt to stay connected to me! Can she do this? How can I stop this?
Has anyone heard anything like this before? Shes going to all new levels of craziness now. I wish she would just accept it was over and move on

Can you give us a little background for the divorce?

March 27, 2011

Sure. I moved out 9-10 months ago. I caught her cheating but she denied it, even though the evidence was quite compelling. After being away from her I realize that throughout our marriage she has manipulated and controlled me and I have actually come to the conclusion that she may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I dont say this with biterness, just a fact, as she displays all the signs and traits of it unfortunately.

So she never accepted I had moved out and would say 'when are you moving back in' etc, she post updates on facebook that imply we are still together, she has manipulated our friends to believe her and take her side, and when I do spell it out that I am never ever coming back she has threatened suicide, my job. Yeah its a total mess. She is so deluded. I just want to be divorced from this woman.

I suppose I wasnt tough enough with her at certain times during our seperation - its just not in my nature, Im laid back and easy going and would rather a peaceful life. So anyway I filed for divorce in November, I claimed no fault - not adultery as I just wanted to go the quickest route.

Of course she never signed the papers (refused to accept they even existed) so she went into default and now they are in the courts waiting for a judge to sign them which should be any time now. It pretty straight forward as we have no kids, no property and we earn the same.

I know why she is doing this, but Im just wandering if she can? I am going to speak to my lawyer about it - I guess I just needed to vent and see if anyone had been in a similar position.

Thanks for your time for reading my post

March 27, 2011

Depending upon jurisdiction, and assuming your marriage license indicates she was/is retaining her maiden or last married surname, she would need to establish a new legal document taking your surname as her own. This is possible to do by petitioning the court, getting a court order, and then notifying the appropriate government agencies of the change. I doubt she's going to do that. People talk a lot, but when push comes to shove in court, not so much. Her lack of response to your divorce petition indicates her MO.

Your lawyer will be your best source of advice, but consider his/her hourly billing rate for this issue versus any potential downside to yourself. Lots of folks out there with your surname and some people keep their married surname after divorcing. If you get out of this with only that issue, consider yourself wonderfully lucky.

Disclaimer: Our divorce was final six months ago. IANAL.

March 27, 2011

Yeah I suppose. I do intend to have NC with her after the divorce and change my phone number and address.

She is just so delusional, she calls demanding I go to furniture store as 'we' need a new entertainment unit. And just 3 weeks ago she insisted I go to a family party with her on the basis that it would be a nice gesture if we went as these people came to our wedding. Of course I say no to all these things.

And now this about the name!? I think she seriously thinks there is still hope. She called last week about some mail she got regarding our taxes and she says 'have you spoke to your lawyer yet?'

And I said 'about what' and she says 'about halting the divorce proceedings' NOOOOOO!

She just doesnt get it - I mean its crazy. She got hold of some of my friends phone numbers from our joint phone bill (at the time), friends she doesnt really know and started texting them for 'advice' begging them to convince me that everyone deserves a 2nd chance and she did nothing wrong anyway and cries every night etc.

She doesnt know exactly where I live but knows the street and I have spotted her a few times walking the dog around there, just being stalker like.

Im not coming back, I have filed for divorce. Why cant she accept it.

I mean it doesnt matter how much she denies it to me or other people what she did, but you cant deny it to yourself right? I mean surely!

March 27, 2011

Juliet:

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet."

-The Bard

Carhill's right of course...it is legal to change your name to anything you want in the world, and in this country, no one can stop you from doing so. However, she won't bother doing it legally. A networking site is just that and nothing more.

The real issue though is her denial. I hope she comes out of all this ok. I would be worried for her.

March 27, 2011

Yeah I suppose. I do intend to have NC with her after the divorce and change my phone number and address.
She is just so delusional, she calls demanding I go to furniture store as 'we' need a new entertainment unit. And just 3 weeks ago she insisted I go to a family party with her on the basis that it would be a nice gesture if we went as these people came to our wedding. Of course I say no to all these things.
And now this about the name!? I think she seriously thinks there is still hope. She called last week about some mail she got regarding our taxes and she says 'have you spoke to your lawyer yet?'
And I said 'about what' and she says 'about halting the divorce proceedings' NOOOOOO!
She just doesnt get it - I mean its crazy. She got hold of some of my friends phone numbers from our joint phone bill (at the time), friends she doesnt really know and started texting them for 'advice' begging them to convince me that everyone deserves a 2nd chance and she did nothing wrong anyway and cries every night etc.
She doesnt know exactly where I live but knows the street and I have spotted her a few times walking the dog around there, just being stalker like.
Im not coming back, I have filed for divorce. Why cant she accept it.
I mean it doesnt matter how much she denies it to me or other people what she did, but you cant deny it to yourself right? I mean surely!

Actually, you can, denial is a very strong thing. She is in major denial, unless you are giving her some kind of hope that things will work out. When she brings up all these things, I think you need to calmly and assertively say to her, sorry I know it is hard to accept, but this marriage is over. I am not going to continue these discussions with you. The sooner you realize it the better off we both will be. Then that's it, no further discussion.

March 27, 2011

Juliet:
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
-The Bard

Carhill's right of course...it is legal to change your name to anything you want in the world, and in this country, no one can stop you from doing so. However, she won't bother doing it legally. A networking site is just that and nothing more.
The real issue though is her denial. I hope she comes out of all this ok. I would be worried for her.

Thanks for the quote - I guess it does give some perspective to the situation. A friend of mine thinks its ridiculous and I shouldnt give it much credence - she said 'so if i change my name to so and so Pitt on face book, will that make me married to Brad!!' NOOO! lol. OK point taken.

I am a bit worried for her and wish she would get some therapy (she claims she is! - ummm refund anyone?!) But if I express concern she will just twist it to 'see he does still care, he does still love me'.

March 27, 2011

Actually, you can, denial is a very strong thing. She is in major denial, unless you are giving her some kind of hope that things will work out. When she brings up all these things, I think you need to calmly and assertively say to her, sorry I know it is hard to accept, but this marriage is over. I am not going to continue these discussions with you. The sooner you realize it the better off we both will be. Then that's it, no further discussion.

I have just never seen denial on this level before. I feel like I am in the middle of one of those real life TV movies on lifetime network!

I have really tried being calm and patient, its the way I roll actually. It just doesnt work. God knows what she would do if i started getting really nasty. Even divorce is around the corner and she can still manipulate me! But I just want this over as quick as possible - if I ruffle her feathers too much she may do something totally nuts and it will hold up the divorce so Im just swimming along trying to have as littel contact with her as possible.

March 27, 2011

What was the overwhelming evidence of her cheating?

March 27, 2011

This is a very interesting read... what WAS the overwhelming evidence of her cheating?

March 27, 2011

What was the overwhelming evidence of her cheating?

Ok sorry if its a little long......

Well she started hanging out with friends from work, spending days at a time with them as they lived 20 miles from us. She seemed particularly friendly with one guy. I wasnt happy about this and should have put my foot down but whatever. Here is the evidence:

I got home a day early from a trip, the chain was on the door, I could see our bedroom door was closed through the gap. she took a while to open the door and now the bedroom door is open and this guy is standing in my living room with no pants on just shorts, she claimed he was staying over on the couch because he had too much to drink and couldnt drive home. he seemed fine to me. and whadayaknow, he leaves anyway!
Another time, she called me obviously by mistake because she was with him and I heard her saying 'oh thats where we used to go when we wanted to make out in secret' when I confronted her she said it was a joke
Perhaps most compelling of all: I was going home to visit family in another state and I asked her if she wanted to come she said no that she was going to Vegas with 'people from work'. I then found an email from this guy (she had it hidden within the con-ed file in her email account) dated 2 days after i got back from my trip, saying stuff like she had to do what she had to do to make herself happy and that he had no regrets when they made love.

I didnt confront her with this snippet straight away, but she still kept hanging out 'with friends from work'. When I did confront her she said that this guy was a psycho and stalking her and she just kept the email as evidence. So why was she still hanging out with him after the fact if he was such a stalker? she couldnt answer that. And that was it I started doing my own thing and I left.

Now how can anyone deny all that? All she has admitted to is that maybe she did have an inappropriate friendship with him but she never had sex with him.

But there is no doubt in my mind that she did.

I could maybe respect her if she could just admit it, but right now I dont even like her and I even feel hate starting to creep in now.

The fact she is trying to take my name that wasnt good enough for her while we were married makes me sick to my stomach!

I just want shot of her and have no ties to her whatsoever.

March 27, 2011

Just be glad you're getting rid of this horrible woman. She ****ed that guy in your marital home? What a hoe.

March 28, 2011

If she has NPD, her reaction's don't really line up with a narcissist. They hate abandonment, but her reaction's don't seem right. I don't believe they are usually in denial like this. I think she would want you to pay, and make your life hell.... and you don't seem like the co-dependent victim. Yikes, I dunno

March 28, 2011

If she has NPD, her reaction's don't really line up with a narcissist. They hate abandonment, but her reaction's don't seem right. I don't believe they are usually in denial like this. I think she would want you to pay, and make your life hell.... and you don't seem like the co-dependent victim. Yikes, I dunno

She has moments of clarity when she KNOWS its over. She starts threatening her own life. says she will make my life miserable, says she will get me into trouble at work. says if i do this to her she will make my life a living hell. after a few days she says she would never do that to my job....until the next time and she says it again and around and round we go.

Baller are you familiar with NPD at all? may be I could run a few things by you to see if anything else ois familiar?

March 28, 2011

She has moments of clarity when she KNOWS its over. She starts threatening her own life. says she will make my life miserable, says she will get me into trouble at work. says if i do this to her she will make my life a living hell. after a few days she says she would never do that to my job....until the next time and she says it again and around and round we go.
Baller are you familiar with NPD at all? may be I could run a few things by you to see if anything else ois familiar?

Narcissist test I did on my ex, she seemed to have every sympton except maybe one. Its crazy what they do.

I'll name a few:

abandoning old time friends, and making new ones (old friends get tired of their borish behavior over time, and this ruins the persona they have of themselves

her new friends were better educated and smarter, (ie what she claimed)

cheating

gas-lighting

fanstasy world

2 yr old behavior in arguments, I always gave in

you could not make her the butt of a joke, even though she dished it out

happy one week, sad the next, bi-polar

always defining accomplishments, no matter how meaningless

wannabe athlete( so jealous of me and my son)

thought she was a track star, big mistake of me to beat her backwards in a race... I was having fun, she was extremely embarrassed

insecure

flirtaeous

more guy friends then gal friends

hated other gals that acted just like her...it was almost funny

extremely jealous of any attention I recieved from others

extreme about fitness

worried others thought bad about her

thought she came off as a caring,kind person, when others viewed her as arrogant and uppity

so many others

Edited March 28, 2011 by Ballerfamily

March 28, 2011

Wow Baller sounds pretty textbook right there. First of all I wan to say that I have no psychological degree whatsoever. This was a complete armchair internet diagnosis done when I just wanted to try and understand her so I could maybe just try and understand her behaviour.

She exaggerates any achievements she has and even lies about having any
she thinks she is better then everyone else at every single thing
judges everybody and looks down on them, so much so that people just didnt want to be around her anymore
has no empathy whatsoever - bombarded MY friend with texts begging him to ask me to give her a 2nd chance, while his wife was in hospital with cancer!
Never admits to doing anything wrong - always someone elses fault
extremely pampered by her mother - her mother instilled in her she could do no wrong, mother the very same actually
has also been shut out by a couple of her oldest friends
hates to be wrong. Just cannot have a healthy argument with her. only her opinion matters
was told that I was nothing without her and would never make it in this town without her
tells amazing lies that are so ridculous but is astounded that you wont believe her no matter how transparent they are
has a totally misguided view on situations that portray her in a bad light. she just doesnt believe it happened that way and really believes this
mood swings were horrible, I thought she was bi-polar at one stage also
and of course the cheating and the lies about it

so Im not sure what this could all mean. I am absolutely sure she needs some help though. I would like to think she wont always be like this and one day be happy. I really do mean that

March 28, 2011

Let me start by saying this...

When my divorce process started, I swore up and down that I was reverting back to my maiden name (made me feel like one less thing I was being "saddled with" for the rest of my life). About a month or so into it, I changed my mind...but it certainly wasn't for me. We have a very young son and I figured the less stress on him the better...Easier for him when he eventually goes to school to have the same last name as mommy. But, since you have no kids together, yeah, this is just wierdness.

The denial sounds legit, like a real illness. But, even if she did go to a counselor I wouldn't necessarily assume that they missed it. People can do an amazing job of hiding their true colors. My future former and I had a total of 12 counselors and probably close to a hundred or so sessions between us by the time it was all said and done. Apparently all of them missed the compulsive lying (but how do you make a counselor believe that their client is lying??? lol "I swear, he's lying to you!!" yeah, not so convincing, and not worth trying at $150/ hr.)

I have just never seen denial on this level before. I feel like I am in the middle of one of those real life TV movies on lifetime network!

I sympathize with you...crazy people leave ya feelin like "ok, am I on candid camera or what??"

Enjoy your newfound singlehood, away from the lights of the hidden cameras lol~!

March 28, 2011

Wow Baller sounds pretty textbook right there. First of all I wan to say that I have no psychological degree whatsoever. This was a complete armchair internet diagnosis done when I just wanted to try and understand her so I could maybe just try and understand her behaviour.

She exaggerates any achievements she has and even lies about having any
she thinks she is better then everyone else at every single thing
judges everybody and looks down on them, so much so that people just didnt want to be around her anymore
has no empathy whatsoever - bombarded MY friend with texts begging him to ask me to give her a 2nd chance, while his wife was in hospital with cancer!
Never admits to doing anything wrong - always someone elses fault
extremely pampered by her mother - her mother instilled in her she could do no wrong, mother the very same actually
has also been shut out by a couple of her oldest friends
hates to be wrong. Just cannot have a healthy argument with her. only her opinion matters
was told that I was nothing without her and would never make it in this town without her
tells amazing lies that are so ridculous but is astounded that you wont believe her no matter how transparent they are
has a totally misguided view on situations that portray her in a bad light. she just doesnt believe it happened that way and really believes this
mood swings were horrible, I thought she was bi-polar at one stage also
and of course the cheating and the lies about it
so Im not sure what this could all mean. I am absolutely sure she needs some help though. I would like to think she wont always be like this and one day be happy. I really do mean that

Empathy... isn't just crazy how they don't care at all about you or others.........but act like they do

be careful. When they turn on you, watch out.....

here's a few that came at me:

turned her family and new friends totally against me
did damage control to the point where her family and friends were telling her to protect herself against me, which when telling me about it, laughed, and acted like she couldn't believe they would think that
filed divorce petition and reason for divorce stated was on the basis of extreme cruelty, negligence of duty, incompatability ( hardly ever said anything mean to her in my life, until I discovered the last affair, which was at least no.5)
filed for full custody of son, filed false financials, tried to get all our assets and retirement funds... told judge that I stole money from her in a scam investment... left me with nothing...not even a pot to p______in
had her lawyer(friend of her AP) try to destroy me in court and leave me with nothing. She always claimed it was her lawyer, and she didn't know anything about it.
denied me visitation at least 12-15 times, and when I showed a little aggravation after it kept happening, she told neighbors she feared for her safety.
I went jet-ski ing with my 8 yr old son, she tried to call me, I didn't have my phone with me, so upon arriving home I was arrested in front of my little boy for harrassment and felonious menacing, and visitation violation. Cost me $12,000 till it was all over..eventually it was thrown out but cost me my job.. to this day me and my lawyer still have no idea for what.
filed contempt charges... because I couldn't pay CS for 2 months after losing job....
payed arrearages in full, and she still tried to get me thrown back in jail, going on a tirade with judge about how dangerous I was, and that I was fully capable of having my job. Judge knew nothing of her charges against me, and I never had a chance to explain.

and on and on. It never ends. 1 1/2 sep/divorced, and she still tries to call and control me, and blah,blah, blah

I don't think they can ever recover. They are so f_____ed up in the head. She can't stand it that I want nothing to do with her anymore. They want something from you, be it negative or positive. They suck you dry.

.....FREEDOM DOES ROCK..... do not have to meet those crazy emotional needs anymore....hehe

Edited March 28, 2011 by Ballerfamily

March 28, 2011

Hmm, back to the topic of names. Anyone has the right to change their name to anything they like. Check this out: http://cabalamat.wordpress.com/2007/10/01/yorkshire-bank-plc-are-fascist-bastards

So you cannot prevent her from taking your name if she wants to, now or even after divorce.

I do sympathize with you, one of the most common things for divorcing husbands to say is "I want my name back". But unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

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NOW she wants to change her maiden name to mine! 2 weeks before divorce!!!

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