Elvisman76 Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 Hello, I am a 34 yr old male, been married for 10 yrs, 2 gorgeous daughters 4, and 9, my wife is 32. She left Oct. 28, I have been with her since we were young, and love her so much, this is killing me. I had become a stay at home dad, losing my job a few years before. She was pregnant with our youngest at the time. we mutually decided she would return to work , as her job was a good, one ,and with the economey spiraling , I would stay home with our new born. Things were fine, then money got tight. I ended up taking a part time job to help make ends meet as well as do the stay at home dad thing. Around spring of last year she got really distant, she wanted to do counselling so i said fine. We did 3 sexxions, and after that we were chatrting about some of the issues brought up in counseling, and she told me I was throwing issues in her face, so she quit going to the sessions. October came around and she was on a business trip, always called me at night before bed on trips, I could not get hold of her. She called me at midnight upset because I had called her phone 10 times, angered that I did not trust her. When she came home I checked out her bag, cause I was curious. I found some things that would not be part of a usual business bag. I questioned if she was cheating. I should not have in hind sight, but I did. She left, went to her mothers. She called a few days after, said she wanted a separation, and needed space to sort out herself, and that I should do the same. We spent 2 or 3 weeks fighting, and after that I was begging her back. I figured I love her , even if there was an affair we could work through it. She came over the day after her birthday in Dec, and completely tore my cloths of and we made crazy passionate love. when we were done , she said that it did not change things, she was just horny and did not want to cheat. I just went along with it, but it was tearing me apart inside. We went on a date the weekend after, and got together for sex quite a few times after that. All the while I am dying to get our life back together, whether it be a fresh start or a rekindle..and she kept staying at her parents. Everyone was saying, she is having her cake and eating it too, and I have remained trying to get her back. She spent valentines weekend with me, we had lots of sex, and cuddle time, then on Monday, she was back to being purposely cruel. The end of the week came , and she came over and told me that she should not have came here, she is not ready to come back , and that she was going to have to put a stop to our visits, and have some no contact time. We argued, and she left in a rage. I did too, and my neighbours called the cops, I was at church when they found me, and asked me what went on. The cops said they questioned my wife, and she said I threatened to kill myself, so grouped with that and the neigbours call, yup, they arrested me. Now the court has placed a restraining order, I hardly get to see my kids, I cant speak or contact her in anyway shape or form, and I am completely ****ed up over this. My feelings have not changed, i want to fix this relationship bad. My daughter told me my wife told her, that she loves me and misses me, but she can't tell me that right now, because she is still mad at me. I hear all the advice about moving on, and letting go and letting God, but I was raised to fight for what you want, so I have had a tough time. I guess I am looking for some support, from those who know what its like. It is also hard to type out all of the details. Yes I was a jealous guy, yes, I made lots of mistakes, I also remained faith***l to her, and stuck to my vows, sickness health, richer or poorer, good times and bad all the days of my life. She seems very confused on what she wants, and has many friends that have all just recently been through divorce. I want her back , please help me.
highviolet Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 JMO, but your wife sounds very manipulative. She was most definitely involved in an affair, and probably still is. She was keeping you on the hook so she could have her cake and eat it too. I would almost wager to say that she started the arguement that got you arrested and escalated it purposely so that she could get you arrested, make you look like the bad guy, and get custody of the kids. She told your daughter that she loves and misses you but is too mad at you?! For her cheating? She goes from gaslighting you to blaming you for her transgressions and putting a restraining order on you. I'm not really seeing why you want to keep her in your life. Were you abusive to her in any way to validate her getting a restraining order?
Yasuandio Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 OK. It's gonna be alright. Tell the forum more of what really happened at the house. Is it true what she said? Did you make a threat to kill yourself? If you were arrested, what are the charges? What actually happened to get law enforcement and neighbors involved. Settle down and focus on this.
highviolet Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 OK. It's gonna be alright. Tell the forum more of what really happened at the house. Is it true what she said? Did you make a threat to kill yourself? If you were arrested, what are the charges? What actually happened to get law enforcement and neighbors involved. Settle down and focus on this. yeah now that I'm rereading, there is a lot he's not telling us...
Author Elvisman76 Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Ok , there was never abuse toward her, we always did our share of yelling and arguing, but not abuse. I did not tell her I was going to kill myself, it is what she took of the conversation. I asked her if she was enjoying me being in pain, to come and pick me up just too drop me again, I asked her if she realized she was killing me. The neighbour called , because she saw my wife leave fast, then me not far behind, she told me she called the police, because she was afraid I was going to get into an accident the way I was driving. My mom showed up at my house later in tears, the cops told me they picked me up for my own saftey. I was arrested and held for 24 hours, then they let me out with an assurity. The restraining order was set by the bail judge, not by my wife.
Author Elvisman76 Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 My lawyer said the cops saw that my mom was very upset, they listened to what my wife told them and picked me up because of the general concern that I was not stabil because of the argument. I was taken to hospital and given a physc evaluation, and passed with flying colours. I told them I am not crazy, just sad. I have been thinking she was involved in an affair too, just dont want to come to that conclusion again without real hard evidence. She left in the first place because I asked her if she cheated. It is like she is snapping her fingers in one place to get people to look that way, while she does another. She also blocked me from being able to look at her cell phone records, when both of our phones were on a joint account. I realize it all looks like an affair, I just have no evidence.
Author Elvisman76 Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Just other things that have been a bother, a week after she left she was seen in a bar with another guy, I called her on it and she lied. Then she came clean a week after and told me that she was there with a co worker, just for one beer. She said if she was having an affair that the last place she would be is out in public. When she came back for sex the day after her birthday, she was shaved "down there" something she never did before. She said she always wanted to do it, just for herself, but since I liked it au natural, she never did it before. I realize the crap is piled a mile thick that looks like she was not faithful, she denies it completly. If she wanted to hurt me on purpose, i guess I figure she would go and do it, and make it known. 2 weeks ago my kids called her to say goodnight. she did not answer. The next day she told them she was in town , and had been away on business , but she was not there when my mom was dropping them off. So my mom brought them back to me. She called and was pissed that the kids were not dropped off, then she told my mom, that she would not be back until Monday. Kids came over the next weekend , and said mom was not on a business trip, she was in Vegas.
You Go Girl Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 It does all look very suspicious. However there are many business conventions in Vegas. Women shaving for themselves...eh, would think usually not. These things are the details, and not really important. What is important is that you are letting your wife play with you like a puppet. She decides everything at this point. Not good. Take some power back. First thing I'd do is cut her off sexually because you don't know that you are for sure her only partner right now. She doesn't need the ego boost, and you don't need to be played that way. Time to start wearing the man-pants in the family again. She can wear the woman-pants, but not yours too. Sure looks like a full-blown mid-life crisis. What are her beefs with YOU?
willowthewisp Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 It does all look very suspicious. However there are many business conventions in Vegas. Women shaving for themselves...eh, would think usually not. These things are the details, and not really important. What is important is that you are letting your wife play with you like a puppet. She decides everything at this point. Not good. Take some power back. First thing I'd do is cut her off sexually because you don't know that you are for sure her only partner right now. She doesn't need the ego boost, and you don't need to be played that way. Time to start wearing the man-pants in the family again. She can wear the woman-pants, but not yours too. Sure looks like a full-blown mid-life crisis. What are her beefs with YOU? YGG is right, in my age range in any case, based upon friends in their mid 30's, however, it's common nowadays for women in their 20's to do this for themself, I have many younger friends in school that wax everything because they prefer it, some of them are not in relationships and have waxed since they were 16 (although many of them like one night stands, so perhaps that's why?). Personally, I find it creepy, kind of like little girls ya know?! Ick. Just my opinion. Anyway, I think a private detective might be a good idea here, at least then you will know for sure and have evidence. Play your cards close to your chest until you know for sure.
Author Elvisman76 Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 (edited) Her beef with me is the fact that I am jealous, and she says I ask her too many questions. She says that is controling, and as the bread winner(Her), I don't have the right to ask her where she is all of the time, or who she is with.She says that after 10 yrs of marriage I should trust her. She works in a business environment and being a guy myself, I know how most men think. I would tease her about these guys all of the time, I guess just a kind of beat around the bush way of letting her know, that I am aware of the men around her..I don't know. I suppose I would do things different given the chance. I agree you are right i suppose I should be standing up and saying enough is enough. I just dont want to be aggresive, or overbearing. She is also bi sexual so I am kinda worried not only is there a possible other man, could also be another woman. I am just so tired of it all, i just want to work it out . The past can't be changed, but the future can. Far as Vegas goes, it was a pleasure trip, with this butch chic that is her new best friend. When the kids aked why did you lie about where you were, she told them she did not want me to be upset.??? Edited March 27, 2011 by Elvisman76
Author Elvisman76 Posted March 27, 2011 Author Posted March 27, 2011 Also as far as the PI goes, I did hire one, it was very expensive. He told me she was not seeing anyone that he could get evidence of anyway, all he said is that she speeds too much when my kids were with her.
willowthewisp Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 In that case I think you have to beleive her that she has gone due to feeling that you are not trusting her. You need to start showing her with your actions that you are giving her the space she has requested and that you are willing to change and work on things with her. Get hold of the 180 (use the search function on here0 follow it, but modify it a bit so that if she wants to spend time with you, you can and just be pleasant, nice, loving etc when you are together, but above all else, TRUSTING, no more questions, no more asking where, suspision, chscking her purse etc. If she's having an affair it will come to light eventually, but given the PI found nothing, I think you have to take her at her word on this one.
Ballerfamily Posted March 27, 2011 Posted March 27, 2011 (edited) Her beef with me is the fact that I am jealous, and she says I ask her too many questions. She says that is controling, and as the bread winner(Her), I don't have the right to ask her where she is all of the time, or who she is with.She says that after 10 yrs of marriage I should trust her. She works in a business environment and being a guy myself, I know how most men think. I would tease her about these guys all of the time, I guess just a kind of beat around the bush way of letting her know, that I am aware of the men around her..I don't know. I suppose I would do things different given the chance. I agree you are right i suppose I should be standing up and saying enough is enough. I just dont want to be aggresive, or overbearing. She is also bi sexual so I am kinda worried not only is there a possible other man, could also be another woman. I am just so tired of it all, i just want to work it out . The past can't be changed, but the future can. Far as Vegas goes, it was a pleasure trip, with this butch chic that is her new best friend. When the kids aked why did you lie about where you were, she told them she did not want me to be upset.??? This woman sounds almost identical to my ex. She comes around for sex,etc., to control you and to keep you off the track so she can get herself together. They know they are hurting you, and that makes them sad. But their selfishness or entitlement in their eyes is what usually wins out. That is why she can be your goddess for a weekend, and be something totally different come monday. She will drive you insane if you let her. She had to leave before she was ready. She is confused and has little idea why she feels like she does. She is also going to do damage control, in case you start running your mouth to family and friends. Don't give her this out. Be gone. Be careful. You can not stop mid-life crisis. All you have do is ignor her words, and watch her actions. She is gone. You must NC her as much as possible, being that you have kids. Talk of nothing personal. You need to get some anxiety meds, so you calm down, and learn to live without her, and take care of the kids. If she is contemplating filing divorce, make sure you beat her to the punch. Prepare yourself now. She is totally in a crazy state right now, and if you act crazy it will come back to haunt you. Trust me on this. If there is another, you will drive her to them for comfort if you get crazy........Get your ducks in a row now and trust nothing but yourself. She must go through the whole cycle in MLC. She is going to have to hit rock bottom before you have even the slightest chance of her coming back for good.( a good chance that isn't going to happen till it is to late. Once you learn to live without this crap, you will most likely not want her back in your life. She will do to much irreperable damage by that time) I'm sorry. It's a tough thing to accept if you love her deeply. IT sucks. But is reality. The quicker you prepare for the worst, the better off you will be.... BELIEVE ME..... If its possible, there is always a chance something might knock her back to reality. She is suffering big time. Do not make her feel worse then she already does, or it will be over, period. Every smile, laugh, is all a front. She is in deep pain. She will go through immeasurable sadness. (mine, drowned herself in alcohol, which basically made it impossible) Unfortunately, she will probally blame it on the wrong things. Its a terrible tunnel they go through. Edited March 27, 2011 by Ballerfamily
Author Elvisman76 Posted March 28, 2011 Author Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) I guess I will take her word, and see what happens, while I take control of me, and get my mojo back. Trust is the reason she claims she left, I also can relate to what Ballerfamily was saying. She seems to be addicted to this power she has over me, and uses it as much as she can. I do love her deeply, it does suck, I also agree if it is an affair, I will see it come out in the wash. Not sure about the meds though, kinda bugs me, i don't even take tylenol..lol . This forum is great, whether i take the advice or not, it is nice to hear different perspectives of my situation, without people knowing either of us. I wanna make a real loud bang so she can hear and see me from as far as I am away from her, so she can see it was a mistake to not work through our problems, I will end up the one who got away. i did find the 180 list I sure will give it a try, cause all of the begging pleading and trying to reason has done nothing for me, just made it worse. I am not sure that she is having an affair so will the 180 list work? Edited March 28, 2011 by Elvisman76
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