New to all this

[quiritatio]

Hi guys, I'm not sure how to go about this, basically I broke up with a long term gf 3 months ago and find myself still feeling as though it's just finished. I broke it off with her because of so many problems, it was the right decision yet I can't shake her, from the moment I wake until I fall asleep she's at the front of my thoughts and I find myself still experiencing waves of pain, loss and bitterness throughout the day.

 

I function normally, I guess, but I'd love to hear other people opinions on this, feel free to ask whatever questions might help give a more accurate answer.

 

Thanks for listening.

[ALonerAgain]

Hi quiritatio,

 

What exactly were the problems and how long had you 2 been together?

[Thatguyintx]

More back-story might help.

 

My situation sounds similar. Right decision, but still painful. I am six months out and still working through it.

[quiritatio]

Overall the problems were very bad communication and we weren't compatible. We would, from very early on, have awkward disagreements to very big arguments that would never get resolved, I feel that I tried my best to talk them through, but I guess there's always 2 sides. For my part I found myself resenting her as time went on and saw things as one big continuous argument as opposed to an individual problem.

We had very little in common so that also made our time together a little uncomfortable.

We were together for a year, living together for 6 months of that year. I couldn't tell you if I loved her, but something did keep me with her. She slipped into a very bad depression for 3 of those months, which despite my uneducated efforts and taking her to psychologists, didn't ease up.

She left me various times, but I always took her back a couple of days later, never knowing where she had been ( nor who she had been with)

In the end, I gave up and decided enough was enough, I ended it, but gave little explanation as to why, partly because I felt it was obvious, and partly because I had no idea where to start, there were so many other problems.

Since then she has tried to call me constantly, emails etc, I've ignored them, changed my email address, and haven't heard from her in a month or so.

 

Yet here I am, after leaving what was clearly an unhealthy relationship, wrong for both of us, feeling rejected and missing her.

[ALonerAgain]

Overall the problems were very bad communication and we weren't compatible. We would, from very early on, have awkward disagreements to very big arguments that would never get resolved, I feel that I tried my best to talk them through, but I guess there's always 2 sides. For my part I found myself resenting her as time went on and saw things as one big continuous argument as opposed to an individual problem.

We had very little in common so that also made our time together a little uncomfortable.

We were together for a year, living together for 6 months of that year. I couldn't tell you if I loved her, but something did keep me with her. She slipped into a very bad depression for 3 of those months, which despite my uneducated efforts and taking her to psychologists, didn't ease up.

She left me various times, but I always took her back a couple of days later, never knowing where she had been ( nor who she had been with)

In the end, I gave up and decided enough was enough, I ended it, but gave little explanation as to why, partly because I felt it was obvious, and partly because I had no idea where to start, there were so many other problems.

Since then she has tried to call me constantly, emails etc, I've ignored them, changed my email address, and haven't heard from her in a month or so.

 

Yet here I am, after leaving what was clearly an unhealthy relationship, wrong for both of us, feeling rejected and missing her.

 

I think the reason you feel bad is the amount of emotional investment you put into the relationship. This was actually posted about in another thread and I happen to agree with it. That's probably why you kept taking her back, even though you already knew that you shouldn't have.

 

Listening to your gut instinct takes faith and courage. The fact that you are still hurting over it is because you still have feelings for her - or at least you had hoped that the relationship would be worth more to her as it was to you; you tried to help but ultimately it was down to her to change - it wasn't in your control.

 

You're only human. But do learn to forgive and let go. It's hard, as I'm going through this process as well (except I've been on the receiving end).

 

You might also want to ask yourself what it was about her that attracted you to her and made you want to help when she clearly has issues to deal with by herself (especially when you aren't sure that you 'loved' her in the first place).

Edited March 27, 2011 by ALonerAgain

[quiritatio]

Thanks, I think there's something to what you wrote. I put in everything I had, I was drained when I ended it, I lived in my bedroom for 2 weeks and only came out to eat once a day. Luckily I have good friends that took care of me.

I'd love to forgive her, and myself, I'm hoping that, that's just a matter of time.

When you say that you (ALonerAgain) were on the receiving end, what did you mean? Does my situation mirror your own?

Thanks for replying, it means a lot.

[DollyGirl12]

Aside from a normal relationship, you became almost a caretaker to her. You probably spent alot of time worrying, wondering, thinking, analyzing, trying to figure out how to make things better, rather than just having the relationship. This took alot out of you, emotionally and physically. You became use to doing these things, and when things ended you no longer had to. Besides losing someone that you loved, you are also feeling a void because so much of your energy and time were spent on these things.

Part of letting go and moving on is forgiving, and forgiveness comes from within.

[ALonerAgain]

Thanks, I think there's something to what you wrote. I put in everything I had, I was drained when I ended it, I lived in my bedroom for 2 weeks and only came out to eat once a day. Luckily I have good friends that took care of me.

I'd love to forgive her, and myself, I'm hoping that, that's just a matter of time.

When you say that you (ALonerAgain) were on the receiving end, what did you mean? Does my situation mirror your own?

Thanks for replying, it means a lot.

 

Yes, it kind of does.

 

My relationship was a 'care-taking' one too, although not in the literal sense in what you've had to do. But it did feel like a parent-child relationship with my ex in that he would be the one to buy stuff to please me while I longed for emotional gratification.

 

Your talk of resentment over your ex sounds like what could have possibly happened to my ex: I realise now, from looking at the relationship through his eyes, that his actions could have been an attempt to get me to 'look after' him.

 

Except, I'm not like that.

 

The thing is, I don't feel that I asked him to do all the things he did for me. I feel that he put himself under pressure to be the 'perfect boyfriend' to get me to change myself. TBH, I could have done without the little gifts (even though I did like them!) and would have loved it if we had had an honest conversation about how the relationship was going and what we both expected of each other.

 

Here I was thinking my ex was doing things out of the goodness of his heart, with no expectations. But underneath it all, he was growing more and more frustrated. The biggest frustration of all was that he couldn't tell me all this and he couldn't just stop.

 

Until it got too much for him and he walked away.

 

Of course I still don't really know how he felt. He never did say or make himself vulnerable like that. This is just purely theoretical and looking at what I do know about his upbringing; his actions and the 'little things' that make me question the sincerity of his motives.

 

I notice that you mention that your friends took care of you and this is what you did for your ex. Did you feel 'responsible' for your ex? Do you think this could be a factor to consider in why you 2 got together in the first place?

Edited March 28, 2011 by ALonerAgain

[quiritatio]

Wow, it's really nice to hear your side of that sort of relationship. It did feel like a parent child dynamic. Many, many times I tried to get her to talk to me honestly about how she was feeling and what she needed, but she would just shut down. After taking her to psychologists following a suicide attempt I found myself just grasping at straws as to what I should be doing.

 

She never asked for anything I did, but she was physically next to me and in need of help, I felt that I had no other choice. I'm by no means a saint, but a pretty decent guy.

 

I didn't want to change her, but I wanted her to become an equal partner that I believed she could have been, one whom I could depend on from time to time.

 

My feeling responsible for her was definitely a factor, I'd even go so far as to say that I felt sorry for her.

 

Thanks for your perspective ALonerAgain

[TryingtoUnderstand32]

Hi guys, I'm not sure how to go about this, basically I broke up with a long term gf 3 months ago and find myself still feeling as though it's just finished. I broke it off with her because of so many problems, it was the right decision yet I can't shake her, from the moment I wake until I fall asleep she's at the front of my thoughts and I find myself still experiencing waves of pain, loss and bitterness throughout the day.

 

I function normally, I guess, but I'd love to hear other people opinions on this, feel free to ask whatever questions might help give a more accurate answer.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Reading this kills me. My bf just broke it off with me a few days ago. He said it was for the best while I feel like he didn't try. So I wonder will he eventually feel like you? Why in the world would he want to feel like this..and my heart says I hope if he does he will call me and him telling me he missed me would turn my whole life around. I'm sorry I'm not trying to make you feel worse..but sometimes people are not better off apart. Sometimes its worth fighting for it and working it out.

[ALonerAgain]

Wow, it's really nice to hear your side of that sort of relationship. It did feel like a parent child dynamic. Many, many times I tried to get her to talk to me honestly about how she was feeling and what she needed, but she would just shut down. After taking her to psychologists following a suicide attempt I found myself just grasping at straws as to what I should be doing.

 

She never asked for anything I did, but she was physically next to me and in need of help, I felt that I had no other choice. I'm by no means a saint, but a pretty decent guy.

 

I didn't want to change her, but I wanted her to become an equal partner that I believed she could have been, one whom I could depend on from time to time.

 

And thank you for sharing yours. I feel like I've gotten some kind of understanding about my ex now and subsequently, a bit of closure.

 

The bit I highlighted above though: I would still consider that wanting the other person to change their view of the relationship is still not looking at the person for who they are now but as a potential. And earlier you've mentioned things like 'compatibility issues' and of course that you aren't sure that you ever loved her.

 

Perhaps this is a form of control? Are you actually resenting your ex or the fact that you couldn't control her view and thereby, the situation?

 

My feeling responsible for her was definitely a factor, I'd even go so far as to say that I felt sorry for her.

 

Thanks for your perspective ALonerAgain

 

Interestingly, I think that's how my ex felt by the time he left as well:-

 

• Even to the point that he still fixed my PC (that he'd built for me) because I'd told him it was broken - days before he ended things, meanwhile trying to off-load his laptop onto me. Still trying to 'provide for me'.
  
• Even to the point that shortly after we broke up, he had texted one of my closest friends to get her to 'look out/after me'. to which she replied, "She doesn't need looking after". (This I found out through said friend).
  
• Even to the point that he text me that he didn't want to see me upset, so he got his best friend to get the rest of his stuff (kudos to him for actually taking that initiative) from me.
  

I feel so humiliated, upset and angry that that's how he viewed me. And that I fell for it, for all of 4 years.

 

So I guess I feel some of that resentment too.

Edited March 31, 2011 by ALonerAgain

[ConfusedGuy23]

Hye mate im in the same boat at the moment. Except Im want my ex back. I broke ujp with her 5 months ago as we had some communication issues, i had commitment issues and basically it just fell apart. SO yeah im feeling those feelings you are going through at the moment too. I still get the feelings of loss, guilt, waves of pain. I still think about her alot too.

 

I think its because we invested so much in the relationship and that is very hard to let go of. All our hopes and dreams that we saw with this person at one stage amounted to nothing. I was with my ex for 4 and a half years. So thats a considerable amount of time. How long were you with yours?