A Cynical Romantic at Heart!

[WutheringH]

Right, Im in a bad place right now. A Breakup, so it goes. However this post is about a cynical view of romantic relationships over all.

 

To give you fine folks some context to my experiences.. I've had a number of romantic relationships over the last 20 Odd years. All to wonderful woman, iv'e always fallen for a similiar type since my late teens. Almost all of the relationships have lasted upwards of four years. Not once has any of the relationships demises been initiated via the woman (i know, hard to belive over the span of 20 years right!) and all bar maybe two have remained as strong platonic relationships in my life. Suffice to say in my time I have caused a lot of heartbreak, something that i struggle with at times.

 

Every break up since my first love in uni has followed the same pattern. I notice a decline in romantic interest towards my SO around the 3 year mark. I clamber on attempting to make the bond stronger.. yet subconsciously I always start to notice other woman, i begin to find myself having to consciously stop myself from finding flaws in my SO. They have not changed, my perception of them has. I always fall into a mix of anxiety,depression and guilt. Eventually i buckle and we break the bond. The first time this occurred in uni with my first and longest love of 5 years, I was truly distraught.

 

For all those year i brought into the deviant pop media myth.. deeming them not the "one" or not a 'soulmate' etc. To an extent I guess it was a coping mechanism and helped me move on.

 

Until now. My Father committed suicide some years ago. A difficult time of course. Recently i was exploring his diaries (my father was an avid writer and chronicled almost his entire life) and a rather startling pattern began to emerge. Dad had shared the same pattern and dissillusion with romantic relationships as me. He went in with the best of intentions, around the three year mark suffered from a loss of desire, slipping into depression of sorts and went out the door. Now eventually Dad meet Mum.. hence me. Mum it would be fair to say could be considered a jackpot in every stereotypical sense. A Model,10 years younger, faithful and a highly emotive and compassionate woman. For the first few years Dads writing reflect his joy. Then the usual lose of desire passion etc came. Dad was clearly highly upset. He knew that this was as good as a partner could get, yet he felt all his own compassion slip through his finger tips. They never married, yet i guess you could say they where 'together' for 25 years or so. Mum was broken by Dad truth be told. He cheated time and time again. His affairs offered no form of relief however, he recognised that the 'deep feelings' he felt where tied to the novelty of the woman rather then any innate rational outlook on things.. He grew bitter. Mum never let go, she loved him a lot. He wasn't a beast, just confused. As a writer i gather his head was tied up in the themes of love, life and death as it is and so his Suicide whilst Multifaceted was largely stimulated by what he believed to be his inability to love. He was empathetic and left mum a letter apologising for the grief he caused her whilst thanking her for the gift of us, the children.

 

This was eye opening for me. However deeply distressing as I to have kept diaries over stints of my life. The breakup of my first love at Uni was deeply distressing for me. The feelings i describe in writing our so close to what my Dad wrote regarding his first loss. The anxiety, the conscious change in mental perspective. Their all there.

 

I guess you could say I began to conclude that genetically i share romantic similarities with dad. I know a little the science of romance. Vasopressin, Oxytocin, Helen fisher, FMRIs, infatuation, marriage, attachment, praire voles.. you name it i've read it... and all i can depressingly conclude is that my 'make up' means that long term attachment simply isn't determined to be very rewarding to me. Rather me reward system seems to be geared towards novelty. Despite the fact that rationally i dislike the idea of promiscuarity and have never had a one night stand.

 

Im tired of breaking people though. Im contemplating lowering my libido via drugs as Lust always seems to be the catalyist to Romance.. and i feel i will be fine on my own.

 

I always told myself i'd make up for the lack of love my mum received by truly loving a woman.. but that now seems a mere fantasy! Subsequently over the last few years i've sided with the camp that romantic feelings are largely dictated via your genes and neurochemistry and that despite the illusion and freedom of being able to make 'love grow' via your own efforts its largely a fallacy.. anyone fancy challenging this basic premise?

 

Id love to hear peoples perspectives or if they have a had a similar experience with romance? Either way its a good rant so thanks!

[Fern]

this was interesting. i'm not sure I have a 'take' on it other than that I feel very sorry for you. It must be frustrating and lonely to never be able to get past that temporary buzz of infatuation to a deeper and abiding love partnership.

 

I hope you find a way to fix this situation. you sound like a good person and it's admirable that you're self aware enough to notice this trait in yourself and recognise it for what it is.

[Mcnulty]

You seem highly aware of the facets that come with love and relationships, so, I don't feel sorry for you, no.

 

You may not have met the person that you could honestly think, that after the lust, love etc you could compromise and share your life with...they may not have passed your radar yet, that's all. They may never pass your radar, if they don't then you will continue to have relationships that last for a set amount of time till you get itchy feet and off!

 

I wouldn't go down the Freudian route of your past though, look to the here and now and the future...take each day as it comes, there's tonnes of interesting people out there that may stimulate you mentally as well as physically over a long term...see what tomorrow brings, that's my hope.

[Little_Bee]

It's been interesting to read your story as it's what my ex actually does. As soon as he feels the sparks going he ends the relationship, doesn't allow the relationship to grow or rather change into something different.

He is just no able to stay with someone long term (whereas you are able to keep a relationship going for few years) and he can't cope with a routine in a relationship.

 

I actually feel quite sorry for you (and him) as it means that you won't be able to settle down with someone and that you always know at the beginning of the relationship that it won't be a lasting one.

[WutheringH]

Thanks for the concerns! Frustrated maybe.. but lonely never. I recall leading up to my late teens before my first relationship that i had family and friends and many interests. Whist I had crushes and urges i never acted on them and thus I never fell for the Sirens call of romance. I was very happy. I still have friends and family and for the most part Im happy.

 

I must admit some of my fondest memories of life have been when i've been in that elevated mental state of love and lust. Im grateful for them. They've shaped me in many ways. However this is a darker side to my recognition. The high of 'love' always drew a direct comparison to a few years i suffered from cocaine addiction. Cocaine made the highs of normal life that much higher (just like a lover) I do fondly look back on those years of euphoria. Yet come withdrawal time, anxiety, depression and lack of feeling for normal day life I knew this state of mind was unsustainable. Again just like a breakup when i'd be depressed until my brain returned to homeostasis yet again.

I know its naive to think of 'love' in the metaphysical sense in todays day and age of science but it always slightly disturbed me that much of my feeling towards the lover opposite me was really rather out of control. The difference being i was dealing with a human here, not a substance i could simply cut out of my life. Potentially these woman wasted time with me when they could have found a man who loved them in the fashion they desired.

 

On the plus side, i always found real worth in the fact that these woman defiantly expanded my outlook and experience of life and I would hope I did the same!

 

As you say my only regret really is that i've never 'learnt' the trick to reach contentment.. drugs taught me enough to know the serenity and routine have just as much worth as the highs and lows of extreme emotion can bring. Yet iv'e never managed to escape the anxiety and depression that forces my relationships apart after the high is gone.

 

Yes good shout on not engaging with the freudian perspective on things too much. I don't feel predetermined by my Fathers blood! Iv'e never knowingly played emotional games or been unfaithful to a woman.. but then maybe this was just determined by witnessing the pain of my mother in my upbringing! Oh life!

[WutheringH]

"I actually feel quite sorry for you (and him) as it means that you won't be able to settle down with someone and that you always know at the beginning of the relationship that it won't be a lasting one."

 

Yes i can relate to being glum about this. I get around it by realising that life's constant is change and that whilst i struggle with knowing perhaps i've 'wasted' a woman's time. It used to give me the perspective that i wanted to make the relationship at least a highly invigorating and special time for the current lover. Even though i can relate that lack of stability longterm could somewhat taint this idea for some.