Time to post my own story...

[Lorelei_Lane]

I keep posting here on other threads, bits and pieces of my story come out... but I feel I should make my own thread with all of it so at least there's something to refer to.

 

I'm almost two years out of my husband's emotional affair with my best friend. It's amazing how differently I look at things and can talk about them easier now, than I did back then. When it first happened, I was devastated. I wanted to just curl up in a little ball in a dark corner somewhere and disappear. My husband had and really still is, my ultimate best friend. He has no problems telling me where I'm wrong, when I'm right. He listens (even if he doesn't want to!) and he gives great advice.

 

When the affair happened, he and I had both lost our jobs within six weeks of each other in early 2009. We were struggling to find new ones and making ends meet. I had a friend I had met online (I'm an avid gamer) and we had grown very very close. We talked non stop every day, shared many things in common, and she sort of took part of the place of being my best friend. My husband was happy I finally had a girl I could talk to and trust. She was in a relationship, like many before that one, that around the one year mark she started to become unhappy and second guessed everything. She also knew that I was a bit unsettled that she and my husband never seemed to get along, they constantly butt heads over stupid sh*t.

 

So, she tried to spark a small friendship with him. Big f*cking mistake. One thing led to another and she and he spent more time talking to each other than I did to either one of them. About two weeks into the uncomfortable feeling I had, I told her how it upset me. She actually LECTURED me on how I should know she would never do that to me. How I should trust her. I talked to my husband, and he gas lighted me as well over it.

 

Two weeks later, fourth of July weekend, I saw the text messages on his phone. I died inside. I got angry, I screamed, I yelled. I was pissed.

 

He admitted to me the next day that he was in love with her. I completely died on the inside and out. I shut down entirely. I wouldn't talk to either one of them, she kept saying how he said this and that, he had me convinced we were supposed to be together.

 

I left. I went and stayed with my inlaws. They were furious with my husband. I was there for a couple of days before my mother in law "handed" me off to my mom. My parents live several states away, so we had to meet in the middle. I hardly ate, hardly talked. I just existed for the first few days. I lost 10 lbs in a weeks time. I was so unhappy. My brother and his soon to be wife (they were getting married in a couple of weeks, a trip my husband and I were looking forward to) did everything they could to include me in their activities. My sister in law and I grew very close, and God bless that angel for being there for me.

 

A little over a week of yelling phone calls, crying phone calls, emails and online chatting with my husband went by. One day, while talking to her, he said he was going to go get me from my parents place, that he wasn't ready to give up on me and him. She got pissed and started telling him many things I had told her in confidence. That was the start of my never trusting another friend again.

 

He came down where I was, and we stayed through my brother's wedding. He went NC for a couple of weeks, then after a fight in early August, I found out he talked to her and started packing my things. It scared him. I told him he has to let her go, stop talking to her if he wanted to keep me. We both told her goodbye (I was still missing her, even after what she did!) and that started our NC officially. Neither one of us has spoke to her since.

 

For the first six months, especially after I found another job, I planned on leaving him. I met a girl at work, who, like me, had a hard time getting close to people. She and I struck up a friendship at work, but we were both very "secretive". After about a year, I finally spilled the beans about why I was the way I was. Not only did she completely and totally understand, she had been there too. I love this girl more than anything, she has been my rock when things went to sh*t.

 

After a while I realized I had fallen in love with my husband again. He has done everything he can humanly do to show his remorse and his regret over what happened. If she comes up in topic, he talks about how huge of a mistake he was about to make. He realizes now what kind of person she was.

 

Oh, I forgot to mention she was still in a relationship at the time this happened, and as far as I know she never told the poor guy. We suspect, since we both stumbled across it, she cheated again with the guy she's currently with. She does this all the time, I can think of at least three guys she's cheated on. It's very sad.

 

Until very recently, I harbored a lot of hate for her. I wanted to hurt her. She never showed any remorse or regret for what she did. I fear that in order for me to get full closure, she would have to do that. I find myself on boards like the Other Woman board looking for her confessions or something. Anything for some sort of closure. I will never get that. She will never admit she was wrong.

 

I'm happy with my husband now two years later. Although we've had other problems in our life together, it's stuff we have overcome together... something we never had before his affair. I can only hope as time goes by... it will only get easier and will hurt less.

Edited March 27, 2011 by Lorelei_Lane

[WorldIsYours]

I keep posting here on other threads, bits and pieces of my story come out... but I feel I should make my own thread with all of it so at least there's something to refer to.

 

I'm almost two years out of my husband's emotional affair with my best friend. It's amazing how differently I look at things and can talk about them easier now, than I did back then. When it first happened, I was devastated. I wanted to just curl up in a little ball in a dark corner somewhere and disappear. My husband had and really still is, my ultimate best friend. He has no problems telling me where I'm wrong, when I'm right. He listens (even if he doesn't want to!) and he gives great advice.

 

When the affair happened, he and I had both lost our jobs within six weeks of each other in early 2009. We were struggling to find new ones and making ends meet. I had a friend I had met online (I'm an avid gamer) and we had grown very very close. We talked non stop every day, shared many things in common, and she sort of took part of the place of being my best friend. My husband was happy I finally had a girl I could talk to and trust. She was in a relationship, like many before that one, that around the one year mark she started to become unhappy and second guessed everything. She also knew that I was a bit unsettled that she and my husband never seemed to get along, they constantly butt heads over stupid sh*t.

 

So, she tried to spark a small friendship with him. Big f*cking mistake. One thing led to another and she and he spent more time talking to each other than I did to either one of them. About two weeks into the uncomfortable feeling I had, I told her how it upset me. She actually LECTURED me on how I should know she would never do that to me. How I should trust her. I talked to my husband, and he gas lighted me as well over it.

 

Two weeks later, fourth of July weekend, I saw the text messages on his phone. I died inside. I got angry, I screamed, I yelled. I was pissed.

 

He admitted to me the next day that he was in love with her. I completely died on the inside and out. I shut down entirely. I wouldn't talk to either one of them, she kept saying how he said this and that, he had me convinced we were supposed to be together.

 

I left. I went and stayed with my inlaws. They were furious with my husband. I was there for a couple of days before my mother in law "handed" me off to my mom. My parents live several states away, so we had to meet in the middle. I hardly ate, hardly talked. I just existed for the first few days. I lost 10 lbs in a weeks time. I was so unhappy. My brother and his soon to be wife (they were getting married in a couple of weeks, a trip my husband and I were looking forward to) did everything they could to include me in their activities. My sister in law and I grew very close, and God bless that angel for being there for me.

 

A little over a week of yelling phone calls, crying phone calls, emails and online chatting with my husband went by. One day, while talking to her, he said he was going to go get me from my parents place, that he wasn't ready to give up on me and him. She got pissed and started telling him many things I had told her in confidence. That was the start of my never trusting another friend again.

 

He came down where I was, and we stayed through my brother's wedding. He went NC for a couple of weeks, then after a fight in early August, I found out he talked to her and started packing my things. It scared him. I told him he has to let her go, stop talking to her if he wanted to keep me. We both told her goodbye (I was still missing her, even after what she did!) and that started our NC officially. Neither one of us has spoke to her since.

 

For the first six months, especially after I found another job, I planned on leaving him. I met a girl at work, who, like me, had a hard time getting close to people. She and I struck up a friendship at work, but we were both very "secretive". After about a year, I finally spilled the beans about why I was the way I was. Not only did she completely and totally understand, she had been there too. I love this girl more than anything, she has been my rock when things went to sh*t.

 

After a while I realized I had fallen in love with my husband again. He has done everything he can humanly do to show his remorse and his regret over what happened. If she comes up in topic, he talks about how huge of a mistake he was about to make. He realizes now what kind of person she was.

 

Oh, I forgot to mention she was still in a relationship at the time this happened, and as far as I know she never told the poor guy. We suspect, since we both stumbled across it, she cheated again with the guy she's currently with. She does this all the time, I can think of at least three guys she's cheated on. It's very sad.

 

Until very recently, I harbored a lot of hate for her. I wanted to hurt her. She never showed any remorse or regret for what she did. I fear that in order for me to get full closure, she would have to do that. I find myself on boards like the Other Woman board looking for her confessions or something. Anything for some sort of closure. I will never get that. She will never admit she was wrong.

 

I'm happy with my husband now two years later. Although we've had other problems in our life together, it's stuff we have overcome together... something we never had before his affair. I can only hope as time goes by... it will only get easier and will hurt less.

 

That POSOW was no real friend if she does something like that.

[Lorelei_Lane]

You know, I think that's one thing I did get that most BS don't get, the actual why of what happened.

 

My husband was at the lowest he had ever been in his entire life. He had lost his job, he and I were having a few problems because of money and such, his ego was deflated. She blew it up, he got hooked. That's essentially it. He never stopped loving me, never stopped wanting me, but he was hooked on the ego boost he gave her. I saw it happen, I just didn't realize how hooked he was on her. He tells me now, and he told me today, she wasn't worth the effort he put into her. It's funny really, listening to him talk about her and how she's just a bad person... when I'm the one that never got any closure.

 

He got his closure when he realized she was a liar. She said how much she needed and wanted him in her life... but after the NC started, she tried contacting me, saying she missed me in her life... but not him. Never contacted him at all. Never checked up on him like we found out she did me (when she contacted me to tell me she missed me). I never responded to her, not until the day I told her off and blocked her from contacting me ever again. Since that night on the instant messenger, I've not received anything from her. He got his closure though, when he realized she didn't really mean anything she said. Especially since she kept stringing the guy she was supposedly unhappy with along until a new fish jumped on the line. I feel sorry for the guy she's with now.

 

As time goes on, the more I realize she wasn't really a good friend in the first damn place, but it doesn't stop me from missing who I THOUGHT she was. I guess my husband got over her, but I haven't. It's funny, he put her out of his life, out of his mind, and now out of his heart. I've put her out of my life... the mind thing not just yet. It's so messed up lol

[WorldIsYours]

You know, I think that's one thing I did get that most BS don't get, the actual why of what happened.

 

They do it because they want to.

 

My husband was at the lowest he had ever been in his entire life. He had lost his job, he and I were having a few problems because of money and such, his ego was deflated. She blew it up, he got hooked. That's essentially it.

 

And I'm sure you were feeling down when he was also, but you did not cheat, particularly with one of his friends (if he has any).

 

He never stopped loving me, never stopped wanting me, but he was hooked on the ego boost he gave her. I saw it happen, I just didn't realize how hooked he was on her.

 

Now not to be a dick, but what he's feeding you is complete trash. If he never stopped loving you and wanting you, then you and your body should've been all he needed to get through the hard times, not that OW, who probably had her eyes on your husband for a long time. He wasn't hooked, he let it happen because he wanted it to.

 

He tells me now, and he told me today, she wasn't worth the effort he put into her. It's funny really, listening to him talk about her and how she's just a bad person... when I'm the one that never got any closure.

 

And that is called blameshifting, which is a classic tactic of wayward spouses. They'll blame the BS and/or the person they were messing around with.

 

He got his closure when he realized she was a liar.

 

That's no closure. Just using that as a cop out. It does not take a cheater to see their wrongdoings when they get played by their OM/OW.

 

I guess my husband got over her, but I haven't. It's funny, he put her out of his life, out of his mind, and now out of his heart. I've put her out of my life... the mind thing not just yet. It's so messed up lol

 

Of course he's able to move on faster because he had the affair. He's capable of compartmentalization. You didn't so it's going to take longer for you to get over.

[Lucky_One]

Was this only on-line? Did either of you meet this girl IRL?

[Lorelei_Lane]

It was only online, we had plans to actually visit and hang out before I found out about the affair. That was going to be when they pushed it to the next level. I found out before then though, so it never happened.

[Lorelei_Lane]

Since this is my thread, I'm going to use it to rant lol

 

My husband and I have this opportunity for a fresh start in his hometown, we've moved up here and are slowly getting our lives together. Something my therapist noticed in the past was any time I was greatly stressed out, my mind wandered to the affair. Most of the time I'm able to control it, but my husband has noticed I've been b*tchy lately. He doesn't actually complain, he just points it out, points out I'm more aggressive and short tempered.

 

It honestly doesn't have much to do with what he's done, just more of the beating myself up thing.

 

I'm usually easy to forgive on things where other people are concerned, my husband and his affair for example, but I don't forgive myself as easily as I should. I was just having a conversation with my ex-fiancé the other day about my selfish behavior when we were together and how I didn't really forgive myself for treating him badly... and he said I should.

 

Does anyone else really have the problem of forgiving yourself?