I've never been so baffled.

[red letter]

Hi,

 

This is the first time I've gone to a public forum seeking advice about this type of thing, but I am truly baffled, and I like to think I can usually read people pretty well. I hope this won't be too long, but it probably will. I guess you probably see quite a bit of that here, though.

 

I met a girl on the internet who lives a long way from me. She's very, very beautiful, polite, smart, and clever. She seems to have a lot going for her. We were working on an online project together and wound up spending a lot of time with one another; hours upon hours a day.

We never ran out of things to talk about, and we never got tired of each other. We just naturally gravitated toward each other.

 

She seemed a little strange to me, and she still does. She seemed somewhat guarded about things that would usually seem to come up in normal conversation, like friends, family, and things you do. After a while, she would start asking me more personal questions when I didn't offer the information myself over time. Things like how old I am, what race I am (she had seen me, but it's kind of hard to tell), and what kind of girls I like. When I wouldn't tell her the answer to that last question, she kept posting images of girls and asking which ones I liked. We would also get more affectionate with each other, like giving each other nicknames.

 

After a while, I developed feelings for this girl, and I let her know. I asked if she would be interested in pursuing a relationship, despite the rather different circumstances. She thought that was a weird thing to ask someone on the internet, and she didn't want to do it. I then told her that understand, but I should probably just leave her alone, because I didn't want to have some unfulfilled relationship with her. That would actually be pretty frustrating. She was devastated when I said I would leave her. She said she could not even describe how sad she was. She was more upset than I was, and I was the one being turned down.

 

Afterward, she would follow me around the internet and basically cyber stalk me. It's a bit technical to explain exactly how she was doing this, but I know she was (and she later even admitted it). I would just ignore her and wouldn't speak with her. This apparently really hurt her. I figured that if I was that important to her, she should have just said yes.

 

After about two weeks of not talking, which was incredibly long and arduous for us, I approached her about the idea again. I guess I thought I had weakened her defenses, or something. Knowing that I would leave her again, she said yes, but that we had to take it slow. I was fine with that. This lasted for a good three months, and we were happy, but I confronted her with problems I felt we were having below the surface, and I wondered exactly how slow we were going to take this. Anyway, long story short I "broke up" with her, but that's because I wasn't sure if her feelings were genuine or what. Something felt 'wrong', like it always does with her. Remember how I said she's strange? She was still... guarded.

 

I left her again and went about my business, though it was hard not to contact her. She began stalking me again, and sometimes we would fight about it. We went through periods when I would give in and go back to her, and we would be friendly and happy with each other, to periods when I would get frustrated with the situation and would try to break away from her, and would be at each others throats and she would cry.

 

During an emotional conversation, she said that she was obsessed with me. I believed it. It was like she needed me in her life, and she admitted to stalking me. Anyway, I asked her why she was clinging to me so much. She said that I was like her best friend and that she has no other friends.

 

I did some snooping and found some things out about her from going to social network profiles of hers that she kept concealed from me. It seems she has friends, and from what I can tell, she even has a boyfriend and she's had him for a while.

 

Now, here's the weird thing... why didn't she just tell me she has a boyfriend? Isn't that what any normal person would do? I believe she was carrying on that 'relationship' with me while she had this boyfriend. And why would she tell me she has no friends when she seems to have people who care about her? Why would she literally obsessively follow some guy around the internet when she has a boyfriend!?!? Why is she trying to keep me in the dark from regular things in her life like her friends, her boyfriend, her family, and so forth. Or is she trying to keep me a secret from them? I feel like there is a great deal she's not telling me, and it's mainly just about normal stuff. I don't understand the motive.

 

Anyway, I've cut myself off from this person again, and now she is very sad and taking up hobbies that I do. I'm fine without her, because I let her go in a pleasant way, and she understands that I can't continue our association with very unfulfilled feelings. She says she "cannot" be my girlfriend and that there is nothing she can do about our situation, meaning there is no solution for it, even after trying or suggesting anything she possibly could to keep me in her life.

 

I think what I'm wondering is how does this person feel about me? That's what I really don't know. With most people, I can tell, even over the net, especially after spending this much time with her. This whole thing has been going on for probably about a year and a half, which is madness.

 

She really confuses me. If I take her word for it, I would be like her best friend, but her behavior seems so extreme to me, that I don't understand it. I guess I just have a hard time wrapping my head around a girl obsessing over a guy, following him around, needing him in her life, and so forth, and having that be strictly platonic. She has a boyfriend and friends. I don't get this. When I ask her about this stuff, she tried to dodge it. If I really pressure her, she retreats. I've tried to get it from the horse's mouth, but I can't.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening, I really appreciate it. If anyone has any insight or thoughts on this, I'd love to hear them. I don't really have any hopes for this, I'm just trying to make sense of her feelings and her behavior. She has a rather reserved and shy personality, if that helps.

Edited March 27, 2011 by red letter

[Lucky_One]

Something felt 'wrong', like it always does with her. Remember how I said she's strange?

 

Isn't that what any normal person would do?

 

You have answered your own question. She is not "normal", she is "strange".

[red letter]

True. I think one of the things that fascinated me about her is that I could never really figure her out. There was an intriguing mystery there that I was trying to solve. And I still have not done so.

[folieadeux]

There's really nothing to "solve" here. People screw around on the internet all the time and this is all this was for her.

[creighton0123]

Ask yourself what this relationship is doing for you? Sounds like you'd be much better off without it.