How did we get to this point?

[Sunday Silence]

Obviously my relationship with my bf was great when we first started dating, fell in love, etc. He was very charming, flattering, loving, attentive.

 

Now he constantly criticizes me, and supposedly doesn't even realize he's doing it. It will be over the most asinine things you can imagine, such as if I hold the seat belt up instead of down to get something out of the backseat of his 2-door car he'll say "I prefer to do it the other way." Or if I make him dinner he'll make a comment about how I should have cut the bread in thinner slices, or not made so much pasta, or something else that really doesn't matter. Or, there will be a commercial on tv about something and he will say that I could learn something from that (such as patience).

 

I feel like he doesn't appreciate anything I do for him, that he doesn't care about my feelings or about impressing me.

 

I feel like when we are out with other people he doesn't talk about me in a good way. He is a nice person, but a terrible bf.

 

I've tried to talk to him about these things and he just says that I'm being silly, he's just kidding, he loves me.

 

Does this happen to everyone, or is this an indication that we don't like each other anymore? I feel like other couples I see aren't like this.

[zengirl]

I would see those as signs that he was going to break up with me soon and was being uber-critical to get ready for that OR that he was under a vast amount of personal stress (if it was just a phase) and being negative about everything, but I don't know your BF. That's just based on why I might get negative like that or people I've met.

 

At any rate, no, that's not normal. There are some people who are hyper-critical ALWAYS, but you make it sound like this is a new thing. My mother is a hyper-critical person, but she's actually much better with my stepfather than anyone else (less critical of him by far) and I've never seen her be hyper-critical in that relationship. I would imagine that would never work. Constant criticism is deadly to a relationship.

[here4her]

I think it could be one of two things

1) Its his way of flirting, poking, picking on you. It should end in a laugh, or smile.

2) You are annoying to him, and everything you do seems wrong.

 

I think its most likely #1 cause #2 is not good, and I doubt you would be dating if he felt that way.

[kiss_andmakeup]

That's a hard thing to deal with. The fact that you've tried to talk to him about it and he doesn't take you seriously speaks to his true colours. You said yourself that he's an awful boyfriend...why are you still with him?

 

When there's a significant problem in a relationship, and you've exhausted every method of correcting it, it's time to move on.

 

If this is something you can't handle on a daily basis (and I don't blame you) then it's probably time to move on.

[Sunday Silence]

I would see those as signs that he was going to break up with me soon and was being uber-critical to get ready for that OR that he was under a vast amount of personal stress (if it was just a phase) and being negative about everything, but I don't know your BF. That's just based on why I might get negative like that or people I've met.

 

At any rate, no, that's not normal. There are some people who are hyper-critical ALWAYS, but you make it sound like this is a new thing. My mother is a hyper-critical person, but she's actually much better with my stepfather than anyone else (less critical of him by far) and I've never seen her be hyper-critical in that relationship. I would imagine that would never work. Constant criticism is deadly to a relationship.

 

It is a new thing, and it's starting to make me not want to hang out with him, and never open my mouth to say anything.

 

Just a couple examples from yesterday:

• Yesterday we were going to a party for one of his friends. Another of his friends asked him if we could meet her at the metro and all ride together. He wanted to know what I thought, so I said that we would be going really far out of our way to do that, and I thought it would just be easier to meet her at the party. He started yelling at him about how she just didn't want to take the metro by herself, and not everyone is as lucky as me to have someone to go to the party with
  
• He whined about how mad he was that his mother ordered him to go over to her house tonight to hang out with her. I said that he shouldn't get so worked up, because that's just the way she is. He started yelling at me about how I'm "always" criticizing his family
  
• I asked him if he could do me a favor and please iron a shirt for me and he snapped at me that he can't iron anything, why would I even ask him that, have I ever seen him iron anything?
  
• At the party he whined about how hungry he was, then announced to some other people we were talking to that it's because I don't feed him (when I had bought him breakfast and made him lunch already)
  

And that's how all our interactions are lately. I'm starting to hate him, and I'm so upset and sad. I don't understand how our relationship has turned into this, or what his problem is.

[Sunday Silence]

You said yourself that he's an awful boyfriend...why are you still with him?

Some of the things that I think make him a bad bf seem sort of arbitrary and petty. Like, he never buys me flowers. When he did get me flowers for VDay (the one and only time) he got his sister the exact same flowers.

 

He doesn't help me with my car, even when I specifically ask him to do something that requires muscle and not skill. He says that he will, but then he never gets around to it, and my sister's bf always ends up doing it for me (without being asked - he sees something needs to be done and he does it).

 

If we stop at the DunkinDonuts at the gas station to get gas and coffee and bagels, he pumps the gas while I get on line (which is outside), then when he's done he will sit in his warm car on his iPhone while I'm still on line in the freezing cold, surrounded by begging homeless people and rowdy guys, for HIS breakfast food for 20 more minutes, and then struggle to get in the car because my hands are full.

Edited March 27, 2011 by Sunday Silence

[kiss_andmakeup]

Some of the things that I think make him a bad bf seem sort of arbitrary and petty. Like, he never buys me flowers. When he did get me flowers for VDay (the one and only time) he got his sister the exact same flowers.

 

He doesn't help me with my car, even when I specifically ask him to do something that requires muscle and not skill. He says that he will, but then he never gets around to it, and my sister's bf always ends up doing it for me (without being asked - he sees something needs to be done and he does it).

 

If we stop at the DunkinDonuts at the gas station to get gas and coffee and bagels, he pumps the gas while I get on line (which is outside), then when he's done he will sit in his warm car on his iPhone while I'm still on line in the freezing cold, surrounded by begging homeless people and rowdy guys, for HIS breakfast food for 20 more minutes, and then struggle to get in the car because my hands are full.

 

It sounds like he's a bit inconsiderate and takes you for granted. How long have you guys been together?

[zengirl]

It is a new thing, and it's starting to make me not want to hang out with him, and never open my mouth to say anything.

 

 

Just a couple examples from yesterday:

• Yesterday we were going to a party for one of his friends. Another of his friends asked him if we could meet her at the metro and all ride together. He wanted to know what I thought, so I said that we would be going really far out of our way to do that, and I thought it would just be easier to meet her at the party. He started yelling at him about how she just didn't want to take the metro by herself, and not everyone is as lucky as me to have someone to go to the party with
  
• He whined about how mad he was that his mother ordered him to go over to her house tonight to hang out with her. I said that he shouldn't get so worked up, because that's just the way she is. He started yelling at me about how I'm "always" criticizing his family
  
• I asked him if he could do me a favor and please iron a shirt for me and he snapped at me that he can't iron anything, why would I even ask him that, have I ever seen him iron anything?
  
• At the party he whined about how hungry he was, then announced to some other people we were talking to that it's because I don't feed him (when I had bought him breakfast and made him lunch already)
  

And that's how all our interactions are lately. I'm starting to hate him, and I'm so upset and sad. I don't understand how our relationship has turned into this, or what his problem is.

 

Yeah, either he's thinking about breaking up and trying to do the Bad Boyfriend Dance Away to distance his own feelings, or something inside him has just snapped negative. I would not be putting up with these interactions, but it sounds like you live together?

 

If you don't, I suggest spending time at your place till he gets his act together.

 

You sound like you are overcompensating and being overly nice about things as well, with the making him meals and the like, if he's behaving as such. (Not that I'm against doing nice things for a partner or making a fellow a meal---but not if he's behaving like that!)

[carhill]

And that's how all our interactions are lately. I'm starting to hate him, and I'm so upset and sad. I don't understand how our relationship has turned into this, or what his problem is.

 

Honeymoon period is over. Two real, normal human beings are interacting. Whether those two human beings are compatible or not remains to be seen. I'm leaning towards not but perhaps that judgment is premature.

 

I see this as a crossroads. Effective and clear communication of how you each feel can facilitate a healthy turn together, or, at worst, a clear understanding of incompatibility. As things are, I envision hurt, anger, disconnection, regrets and a rubber band potential. Not healthy, IMO. Hope it works out

[Sunday Silence]

It sounds like he's a bit inconsiderate and takes you for granted. How long have you guys been together?

Almost exactly 3 years.

 

Yeah, either he's thinking about breaking up and trying to do the Bad Boyfriend Dance Away to distance his own feelings, or something inside him has just snapped negative. I would not be putting up with these interactions, but it sounds like you live together?

 

If you don't, I suggest spending time at your place till he gets his act together.

 

You sound like you are overcompensating and being overly nice about things as well, with the making him meals and the like, if he's behaving as such. (Not that I'm against doing nice things for a partner or making a fellow a meal---but not if he's behaving like that!)

We've been living together for the past 8 months, but I have maintained my previous home as well, so I do have a place to go. I got really angry Friday night and tried to leave, but he wouldn't let me, supposedly because it was late & he cited the dangers of drunk drivers. It was 10:30, which is not late at all, since we live in a large city. So I hung out upstairs without him, and when he came to bed he tried to act nice, and like nothing had happened.

 

When he first started doing this, I stopped cooking for him, but then that turned into a huge fight where he accused me of being passive aggressive, for cooking for myself but not making enough for both of us.

 

Thursday we got into a big fight also and I don't even know how, or about what, but he ended up screaming at me that I suck and I'm such a downer and I always put him in a terrible mood. Then when he came to bed he acted like nothing had happened, and actually tried to have sex with me.

[Lucky_One]

Honeymoon period is over. Two real, normal human beings are interacting. Whether those two human beings are compatible or not remains to be seen. I'm leaning towards not but perhaps that judgment is premature.

 

I see this as a crossroads. Effective and clear communication of how you each feel can facilitate a healthy turn together, or, at worst, a clear understanding of incompatibility. As things are, I envision hurt, anger, disconnection, regrets and a rubber band potential. Not healthy, IMO. Hope it works out

 

Ditto. Although I don't think Carhill's judgment is premature; you are not compatible for long-term.

 

I also don't like this. " I got really angry Friday night and tried to leave, but he wouldn't let me."

 

What do you mean, he wouldn't let you leave. Unless he tied you up or blocked the door or physically restrained you, certainly you could leave.

[Lucky_One]

Also, you are living together, but you maintain another residence, too.

 

Who is paying for what? Who asked who to move in together? Does he rely on any money you might be giving him in order to live?

[elaina]

It is a new thing, and it's starting to make me not want to hang out with him, and never open my mouth to say anything.

 

Just a couple examples from yesterday:

• Yesterday we were going to a party for one of his friends. Another of his friends asked him if we could meet her at the metro and all ride together. He wanted to know what I thought, so I said that we would be going really far out of our way to do that, and I thought it would just be easier to meet her at the party. He started yelling at him about how she just didn't want to take the metro by herself, and not everyone is as lucky as me to have someone to go to the party with
  
• He whined about how mad he was that his mother ordered him to go over to her house tonight to hang out with her. I said that he shouldn't get so worked up, because that's just the way she is. He started yelling at me about how I'm "always" criticizing his family
  
• I asked him if he could do me a favor and please iron a shirt for me and he snapped at me that he can't iron anything, why would I even ask him that, have I ever seen him iron anything?
  
• At the party he whined about how hungry he was, then announced to some other people we were talking to that it's because I don't feed him (when I had bought him breakfast and made him lunch already)
  

And that's how all our interactions are lately. I'm starting to hate him, and I'm so upset and sad. I don't understand how our relationship has turned into this, or what his problem is.

 

I think you should break up with him.

[Sunday Silence]

Ditto. Although I don't think Carhill's judgment is premature; you are not compatible for long-term.

 

I also don't like this. " I got really angry Friday night and tried to leave, but he wouldn't let me."

 

What do you mean, he wouldn't let you leave. Unless he tied you up or blocked the door or physically restrained you, certainly you could leave.

He stood blocking the door, and when I tried to push past him he put his arms around me in a really tight "hug". What am I going to do, punch him in the face?

 

Also, you are living together, but you maintain another residence, too.

 

Who is paying for what? Who asked who to move in together? Does he rely on any money you might be giving him in order to live?

Our finances are separate. The only thing we split is food. He already had his home, and asked me to move in. We agreed that he didn't need any money from me, and since I was maintaing my own place I wouldn't give him any money for his mortgage or bills. To this day he insists I should give up my place, because by keeping it I just have one foot out the door. Obviously I'm not that dumb.

[Lucky_One]

He stood blocking the door, and when I tried to push past him he put his arms around me in a really tight "hug". What am I going to do, punch him in the face?

 

 

Of course not. But you can step aside for a few minutes until the moment is slightly less tense and more stable, and then tell him "I am sorry that you don't want me to go, but I am angry and I want some time by myself in my old place. I will be back tomorrow so that we can talk, but I am not staying here tonight."

 

Granted, I have this *thing* about being controlled. I do NOT like anyone blocking my way or being in my personal space in a way that could be construed as controlling or threatening.

 

So maybe other people would think it is reasonable for you to stay after you intended to leave; I would be very very stubborn about getting out of there physically if I wanted to be out of there.

[Hopeful30]

I think he is trying to mold you to be someone that you're not. He doesn't think you are good enough, or he wants you to change certain habits to fit his lifestyle.

 

The whole seatbelt thing makes me think he's just neurotic and needs things done in a certain manner. I know how you feel though. You don't want to cook for him anymore, or do certain things because he will always criticize you and your confidence will go down.

 

You don't need someone like that.

[whichwayisup]

Obviously my relationship with my bf was great when we first started dating, fell in love, etc. He was very charming, flattering, loving, attentive.

 

Now he constantly criticizes me, and supposedly doesn't even realize he's doing it. It will be over the most asinine things you can imagine, such as if I hold the seat belt up instead of down to get something out of the backseat of his 2-door car he'll say "I prefer to do it the other way." Or if I make him dinner he'll make a comment about how I should have cut the bread in thinner slices, or not made so much pasta, or something else that really doesn't matter. Or, there will be a commercial on tv about something and he will say that I could learn something from that (such as patience).

 

I feel like he doesn't appreciate anything I do for him, that he doesn't care about my feelings or about impressing me.

 

I feel like when we are out with other people he doesn't talk about me in a good way. He is a nice person, but a terrible bf.

 

I've tried to talk to him about these things and he just says that I'm being silly, he's just kidding, he loves me.

 

Does this happen to everyone, or is this an indication that we don't like each other anymore? I feel like other couples I see aren't like this.

 

this guy is a control freak and has other issues too. Just a feeling I get, but he seems like he has narcissist traits as well.

 

Fact is, he makes you feel bad. That's something that will get worse until you lose who you are, lose your confidence and self worth.

 

Break up with him. He isn't going to change since he thinks his behaviour is normal. It isn't.

[carhill]

I'm pretty sure physically restraining someone from leaving is considered assault and, in a domestic cohabitation situation, domestic violence. Obviously, there are degrees but, to me, it's an indicator of gross unhealthiness.

 

I would strongly suggest re-occupying your personal residence and resolving this issue from that safe position. Sometimes things just don't work out.

[elaina]

I think he is trying to mold you to be someone that you're not. He doesn't think you are good enough, or he wants you to change certain habits to fit his lifestyle.

 

The whole seatbelt thing makes me think he's just neurotic and needs things done in a certain manner. I know how you feel though. You don't want to cook for him anymore, or do certain things because he will always criticize you and your confidence will go down.

 

You don't need someone like that.

 

I 100% agree. You also can't change him to be kinder to you and to just enjoy spending time with you. I think it is best for you to break up with him and move back to your home. Just tell him it's not working out and if he threatens you or stalks you, feel free to file a police report. Hopefully he will just let you go though. I don't think this is an emotionally healthy relationship you have with him.

[Sunday Silence]

this guy is a control freak and has other issues too. Just a feeling I get, but he seems like he has narcissist traits as well.

 

Fact is, he makes you feel bad. That's something that will get worse until you lose who you are, lose your confidence and self worth.

 

Break up with him. He isn't going to change since he thinks his behaviour is normal. It isn't.

 

I can see him being described as narcissistic. He never used to act like this, but he's really making me not care about him. I really need consistency. I can't live with someone who may or may not flip out at something innocent and normal I say. I can't live with someone who is constantly making digs at me, even if he is "just joking", which I don't believe for a second.

 

Lately I'm finding myself wanting to be just as nasty toward him. Yesterday we found a really nice, quiet bike trail, and I commented that it would nice to run there because no one would be staring at me (there are women who sit on their porches in our neighborhood and stare at everyone, it makes me uncomfortable and self-conscious). He very doubtfully asked me who stares at me when I'm running, and when I said everyone he got really annoyed and basically told me that he's confident that no one stares at me when I'm running, and if anyone does it's men and not women, thereby eliminating "everyone" from being a correct answer.

 

Very recently we were in a situation with a good female friend of his who brought up a similar situation she thought she had found herself in, and my bf empathized with her!

 

I very nearly flipped out on him over this, because I was so outraged that he would call my credibility into question, but not this other girl's (and her "situation" was definitely made up, I was there and she was just trying to get attention).

 

I'm just so confused about how all of this even happened.

[zengirl]

I suggest you grab the stuff you'd need and pack it in your car when he's not there. Then, sit down, talk with him about it, and tell him you are moving back to your place for awhile, you don't think you're in a good place, you need space, etc. Is there really no reason for this recent trigger? If things were good for years, that's odd. Did it start a few months after you moved in? How long after? You may not be compatible, but I think it's very hard to tell what the issue is when you are there. Right now, the situation seems toxic. What you need first and foremost is some distance.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Wow...he sounds like a real asshat.

 

It's hard since we don't have his side of the story, but assuming you're not exaggerating anything, I'd say leave him or at least move out until things get better. That is not a healthy way to have a relationship.

[nothappyjan]

Wow I can relate to so much of this. My bf just ended our r/ship a couple of months ago and he sounds a lot like your bf with the constant criticisms and nothing I did seemed right. I didnt dress right or cut my food right or have the right posture or sit right or say some words right etc etc. It wore me down but I was too weak to end it myself.

 

BUT when my bf ended it he told me he had known for about 6 months that he didnt 'love me enough' which is around the same time the criticising started. He said I made him annoyed and unhappy and it came out with his constant annoyance at me. I too felt like i was walking on egg shells and afraid of what would set of his disapproval.

 

Now im free I see what an idiot I was staying and realise my life is so much happier without his constant cloud of negativity eating at my soul. I will hopefully find someone who loves me for me, but even if I dont I'd rather be single than in a negative r/ship. I am 25 and my bf was 28 and we were only together for a year and it still took away a lot of my confidence. So I know it will be sooo hard but please think about getting away for yourself!!!

[Sunday Silence]

I don't have time right now to read all responses, but to answer one question, these changes are sudden and recent enough that the thought has crossed my mind that maybe he's seeing someone else.

 

Other times I really feel like he hates me, and that this must have been a long time coming.

[sugarmomma]

It got to this point because you have weak boundaries. When someone does something that is unacceptable like criticize you, you have to draw the line immediately and enforce that boundary that includes consequences.

 

I had the same thing happen to me with the new guy that I'm dating. I went to spend the night at his house and after we were done with the after sex towel I didn't wash it out or do something that he thought I should do. I simply said to him "that is nitpicking and please don't start criticizing me because its not good for a relationship". Ever since then he has not been critical of me. I'm sure he has to make himself more conscious of what he says to me, but we should both be mindful of the things we say.

 

Boundaries are very important in new relationships because we do teach people how to treat us.

 

I would suggest you move out because he is emotionally abusive and you sound emotionally dependent on someone who treats you in this manner.

 

You really need some space to think. If he's cheating he still doesn't have a right to treat you with such contempt. You have a responsibility to protect yourself emotionally from hurtful people.